Chatting

I chatted with someone last nite...

Oh god, we chatted for more than 5 hours....it was good, I was laughing....He is 9 years younger to me but somehow sounded very matured....we talked about our fears, what we like in people, about our moms...how all moms went to the same school:-)... we confided in our fear of heights...about our love for my mr moon....songs....

I was just enjoying myself chatting with this person...I donno if I will chat with him again or not but I was happy for that moment in time... may be this is what life is all about...to be happy for that moment in time...

As the guy was telling...sometimes it is good to tell ur heart and ur mind to shut up and just go on living......

Appa

Appa left me 13 years ago on 31st March...

It's been 13 years but I still can't get over this...everyone says time heals but I am not sure if that is true. I for one, can recall seconds by seconds what happened that day, how I held appa, how I knew when I saw him that this is the end, how anney cried seeing me cry, how I shut down the whole world after loosing appa...every single second of that nite still lives deep in my heart...I can see appa in my mind now and tears are flowing thinking about him...

I miss appa, I miss him alot. I miss sitting between his legs, I miss seeing him reading his newspaper and falling asleep, I miss eating his cooking, I miss talking to my appa, I miss being his little girl, I just miss appa so much...

I donno if appa would have been proud of me or disappointed with me but knowing appa, he would have been proud of me, he would have been happy seeing me not cry so much anymore...he would have been proud to see I have grown up...finally able to pay the bills or go to the market or just take charge of my life..I know he is proud of me...deep in me, I know appa approved all I did in my life...

The only way I can pay tribute to appa is to carry his name proudly and to be known as his daughter....that is very important for me...

Appa, wherever you are, I hope you are happy and I do hope you are looking at me now and have a smile on your face to see how I have grown to be...I have never said this to you...I love you appa....

Fear

Been having this tot since yesterday...

An idle mind is the devil's playground......well true....finished all my assignments for this module last nite and I had time for myself when I started thinking...I know this is bad...I should stop thinking!!

Well I was thinking about being all alone in this world.....ending up by myself, I mean, now itself I know I am on my own but I still want to have this hope that I will be with someone in the future, but donno why last nite I thought I am going to be all alone in this life...no one to share my love with...no one to laugh with...no one to lean on to...basically...no one...

Was asking my doc today, why do I have this fear in me...doc told me to take 1 day at a time, yes, that is a good idea, let me conquer each day at a time....but...is that possible? Another thing I asked myself and doc...am I in denial about my own feelings, I am happy, I am at peace but is this real or am I fooling myself?

I know me, I ask myself too many questions about life, I wonder if everyone does that or is it just me? I wonder how my doc handles his life...day by day? How do I do that? At least I know at this moment, I am much much better off...even I am amazed with my achievement ( I know I deserve a pat on my back :-) ) but what is this life?

Is this what life is suppose to be? No answers? Is there any wiseman out there who can tell me what is life all about...doc...my wiseman...advice pls.....

Doc did respond to me over the chat and this is wat he shared with me:
"the question is ...what is life suppose to be??
ok here it goes ...life is nothing but a dream..a dream wbich u dont wake up..nothing u experience here is real ..only thing real is god ..when we die..we change the dream ..how our life will be is determined by our actions in this dream ..so nothing is real ..just as u lie asleep ..and wake up tmrw ..so is this life .. it doesnt have to make sense"

I told doc, he is the first one to tell me that life is senseless as this is how I feel..I know one thing, I need a few more sessions with doc to understand life from his perspective!

Another song...

Another song that I love...

This is the song from Guru which stole my heart and I really love this part of the song...

Aanaal Ennai Vittu Ponaal
Enthen Nilaa Sonthu Pogum
Maanin Nila Thedi Pogumae
Mun Kovathiyillai

Pithu Pithu Kondu Thaviten Thaviten
Unnai Enni Nan Vaadi Poven
Nee Illamai Kavitheiyum, Visaiyum Summaiyai Tharathai

Ainthu Kulengayil Alagiyai
Aaruyire Mannipaya Mannipaaya
Sollu Nee En Sagiyai

I really really look up to those people who can come up with such beautiful lyrics to express their feelings.....I always admire poets for this...how beautiful their world is with all these words flying in their mind....wish I am among them.....loving every moment of their tots..tat would be lovely...

I can't make you love me..

I am listening to this song...

George Michael has always been my favorite singer, I fell in love with him when I first heard Careless Whisper at the age of 16 and since then I am still in love with his songs..

I remember on my 19th birthday, was in Form 6 and 1 of my classmate gave me a pin-up of George Michael .......that was how crazy I was with this guy... the only pin-up I had in my life and I put him up on my door...appa was cool about it...

Anyway, at this instance I am listening to this song, a very beautiful ballad by him and yes, I am just falling in love over and over with his seducing voice and the lyrics from this song...

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you dont
You can't make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me, if you dont

I'll close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight....

This is what I went through in my life.....it is morning now and I did what's right...I gave up the fight.....

Missing him

I miss him......

My doc, I actually miss my doc....I know I have not spoken to my doc and I know I will get an sms here and then from him but somehow I miss chatting with my doc. I have like tonnes of questions to ask my doc and I know somehow doc will either make me confused further or make me realise what I have already known but denied it......

I know what my doc will say now......u r not missing me, u r just missing talking to someone.....Tak taulah who or what I am missing now but at this moment, I wish I can chat with my doc....I need to tell him about the latest addition to my collection of softtoys..a green coloured dinosaur who is actually Barney's friend. P told me the dino's name is Jessie......

This birthday, I have Jessie and Mr & Mrs White.....nice....

Oh yes, my immediate wish did not come true on my birthday but I know Krshna will give me my wish soon....... :-)

My birthday

I turned 38 on Sunday.....

How do I feel being 38? Nothing much, just felt the same but somehow I was down coz for the first time in my life, I know for a fact that I am all alone in this world.....

Friends assured me that I will be okay, but as usual, I know I have to deal with this on my own....it is on accepting who I am now or who I have become to be.....

I know that for once in my life, I am happy, I have nothing that worries me, I am not hoping for Kutty to be with me anymore, I know I am not looking for love in the form of a man anymore, somehow I know I have peace, joy and love in my heart.....

I donno if I am making any sense here...I donno how to tell this but I know I am happy...whether I am going to be alone in the future I donno but I know I am not lonely, I have me and at the moment I think that is the best for me.....I used to be someone who could not trust myself but now I know I am trusting my feelings, I am trusting my judgements, I am trusting my own act and Krshna thanks for showing me my own worth.

I went to temple on Sunday morning and I surprised myself on my wish...never I have done that before...may be 38 is telling me that I have grown up?

I like my life now and I made a promise to myself that I will love myself and I will be okay for the rest of my life just being me!!

My friend and her crush

Went out for lunch with P yesterday...

As I could not finish my assignment on Sunday, I took off on Monday to continue on my assignment and so went out for lunch with P. After lunch we bumped into this guy whom she has hugh crush on and she had always wanted to introduce him to me.. anyhow, when we met yesterday, she introduced him to me but did not introduce me to him!

She was so like a teenager...so happy to see him that she totally forgot I was there...macam mana to have a friend like this lah? :-)

My friend and her crush!!!

Me being 37

Today is the last day of 37 yrs of life...

I am going to be 38 tomorrow and as usual I am reflecting my life...what have had happened since my last birthday...

1st : I have kind of sorted out my life.....I am out from the relationship with Kutty, legally as well emotionally...

2nd : I am working out everyday, trying to loose weight...

3rd : I have started on my milestone...to go for my studies..

4th : I went to Greece...saw the white houses tat looks as if they are stuck to the hills.....

5th : I know I moved on.......

6th : I have became closer to Krshna...

7th : I am happier, I laugh more than I cry...I smile more........

I know my list should be longer but somehow I know these 7 points plays vital role in my last year's accomplishment.....

Let me see what I am going to write for my reflection on my 39th birthday....

Rainbow

I saw a rainbow this morning...

Saw this beautiful rainbow when I walked out from my house to the car this morning and I fell in love with life.....I stopped at the bank as my 2nd sis wanted to go to the bank when I text doc to wish him a good morning and to tell him about the rainbow...

Doc replied wishing me a colourful day as well....and that made me smile the whole day......

I am in a happy mood these past few days....look at my yoyo life, on Monday was feeling so depressed and now I am on top of the world...I am cool :-)

Oh yes, I coloured my hair yesterday...asked doc if I am loosing my mind or am I going through mid-life crisis? My doc replied ever so sweetly....said i will look wonderful with new colour in my hair and doc said "all the best gal".....yeah....very sweet doc :-)

Spring cleaning

I am cleaning up my life....

Been doing a lot of thinking and feeling very down at this moment...I know this is the cycle that I go through once in a while. This feeling gradually built since Saturday evening. On my walk on Saturday I saw 2 adorable boys.......1 boy called me aunty and screamed his lungs out to greet me and to bid me good byes......another was a less than 2 years wearing a cute blue football jersey and had a wonderful smile on his face......both the boys stole my heart...and made me realise how much I missed this feeling....

Late at nite, I was chatting with my doc when he made me realise that I am missing love and missing being in love and not the act of showing the love...of course I know I miss kissing and I miss hugs but it is actually the feeling of being in love that I am missing most......and doc somehow made me realise it.......

Last nite, I spoke to Kutty when I realised he did not love me coz if he did he wouldn't have done everything he did....I felt so betrayed and ashamed of myself for beleiving all these while that he actually loved me.....I felt so lonely, never felt tat bad ever in my life.......I guess I just woke up..no more in the denial stages....it is so tough and sadly, I had no one to talk to then....I wanted to msg my doc but it was 2am and I know better than to disturb doc, so I ended up talking to Krshna till I fell asleep...

In the morning, I knew I had to talk to my doc, msged him in the morning. I am now going through the process of cleaning up my life, throwing away all these unwanted emotions, throwing away all the unnessasary tots.......

Doc came online and I poured everything out to him and as usual, doc being my savior listened to me....he asked me to be patient....of what I donno but that is what he asked me to do.....he told me to trust God and only God.....yes.....I am doing that......I know I am not able to trust any man anymore.......doc finally understood what I was talking about...he understood that I wanted to belong to someone as for now, I have no one to say mine.....not even my doc.....as my doc was not mine to begin with ....

Doc is sweet.......I donno how my doc is so patient with me......I donno why he is so patient with me.......but I am glad he is......I told doc that he can't blame me if I fall in love with him but I know I won't.......doc is here to take care of me, to heal me and I am not going to spoil this relationship by falling in love with him. I know I will love my doc....it is a different kind of love......wat it is I don't know but I know I love my doc.....

To doc......thanks for coming into my life.......thanks for sacrificing ur lunch for me.....thanks for being there for me eventhough I am a stranger to you.....thanks for making my days brighter with ur sun rays......thanks for the love........thanks for understanding me.....thanks for all the virtual hugs n kisses and most of all.........thanks for just being u.......

Love you loads doc and I mean it too.......

Shoe laces and rainbows

Went for my walk this evening...

As I was walking, first I saw this monitor lizard crossing the road...it was big fella...anyway...I went on walking and sending doc an sms....it is not an easy task to do :-)

After a while, noticed my shoe laces were out so when I bent down to tie it, I remembered that it was appa who taught me how to tie my shoe laces. Appa had a few styles of tieing show laces and I remembered when I was going to kiddy, appa will tie my shoe laces till I was in standard 1. Then each time, I wash my shoes, appa will lace them back for me and yes, every week, I will have a new style :-) ohhhhh......I love these memories :-)

Half way walking met this couple who wanted to take photo, the girl was all dressed up in a beautiful saree, she looked lovely, the guy was shy....they asked me to take a snap of them and it was the girl who held his hands, I told them to get closer, I don't mind tat and that made them both laugh and I captured a wonderful laughter of both of them....lovely....

Final part of the walk and it started to rain.....and behold....double rainbows.....wonderful.....I fell in love :-)

Doc told me to enjoy every moment of my walk, look at the sun setting and saying good bye to me and saying I will see u tmr....lovely tots doc and thanks for sharing them with me.

I love my walks....I love my memories....what else can a girl ask for??

A dozen red roses

Today is my 2nd sister's birthday....

Kutty sent her a bouquet of red roses...a dozen of them and they were lovely...I didn't know that he was sending her the flowers....she was happy...tat's wat matters I think...

We went for tea...my 2nd sis and I, I had scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam...it was wonderful, the raisins scones just melted in the mouth...a slice of bread toasted with butter and cinnamon...lovely...a good idea to have toast with and I finished it off with chocolate cheese cake..yummy....

Tea party was lovely, just dreaded the traffic jam, took us 2 hours to get back home...sigh...

9193

This is my car's number...

Many have asked why do I like this number coz all the cars I have owned had the same digits...simple answer...appa...

The car appa used till he passed away was 9193 and after a couple of years, we had to sell off appa's car as it was giving us problems and we decided to sell the car and buy 2 new cars, one for my second sis and one for myself. My first car had a different number coz I could not choose the number but after that my second car, I made sure I choose 9193 and I am keeping to that tradition now, my latest car too bears the number 9193...

Do u think I hold so fondly to appa's memories......I guess the answer is yes.....I donno how else I can honour him.....as I said before, I will just do anything for appa.....if he had asked me not to marry a guy whom I think is my soulmate and my reason for living, I know, I would just follow wat appa would have wanted......

Was talking to someone yesterday and I actually told her that I am my appa's girl....and guess wat....I am very proud to be my appa's girl......

Flirting

I know I flirt....

How extensive I flirt, not so badlah...the past few days I have been doing lots of thinking about what I am going to do with my life now. I know I have to finish up my assignments, I know I am happy walking and loosing weight, I know I am happy and etc but at the same time, I also know I want someone in my life...but I also know that I am not ready for any kind of a relationship...

Well all these thinking made me decide on something..I just want to flirt...I know why I am doing it as well. I want to feel needed...I want to feel I am worth something...I want to feel I am desirable as well...

Off I went to my doc for consultation ;-) Doc is becoming to be my best(est) doc in the world and I told him so too. Anyway, according to doc, it is normal for me to have all these feelings, he said God created humans to react towards these feelings...bottomline...doc assured me that I am not a bad person...no wonder I love my doc :-)

Therefore, I have decided I am going to flirt and I started doing it but now I am afraid if I went too strong and I am afraid if I am going to chase him away.....this is hard.....according to my doc, he said, if you want something so much you'll get it...this is from the Secret....now, I was thinking, I always wanted love so much.....and I am still waiting to get it......

To the guy I am flirting with at this moment, I hope he does not run away from me coz I still want him in my life...I messaged him last nite but did not get any replies and the whole nite I was thinking if I did something wrong...but this morning, I received a good morning message from him and gave a big sigh of relief! I know I am capable of chasing man away from my life...but this guy, I treasure his friendship more than anything and I do not want to jeopardize my friendship with him .......how I sincerely wish he knows how much he means in my life.......

So what shall I do know?

My car and tiny yellow flowers

Went for my walk this evening...

And it was rather late that I started on my walk today, almost 7pm as I was waiting for my partner to come over to sort out our paper work. By the time I reached USM it was almost to 7pm and I started my walk. It was a great walk....as usual I enjoyed every moment of my time......

The best deal of my walk today was coming back to my car...it was covered with tiny yellow flowers everywhere.....the whole car was submerged in yellow...it was a lovely sight...i did not want to move my car as I loved to see the flowers on the car but then again, when I moved the car all the tiny flowers started flying and trust me it was priceless to see them all flying off in all directions...for a moment I held my breath......

Krshna, I am so in love...........and thank you..........

My Lawyer

My lawyer called....

He called me on Friday to say that he had recieved the documents from Kutty and asked me to come over...yesterday afternoon I went to see my lawyer and he asked me if I am okay...I told him yes, finally, I am very okay .... I trully am....there is no sadness, there is no hurt...there is just peace and the feeling that I am a happy person in me...and I summed it all up and told my lawyer that I am very fine :-)

Anyway, the reason for this entry is to say something about my lawyer....My lawyer seems to be taking a fatherly role in my eyes. He talks to me so softly, calls me ma and he tells me story. Yesterday, he told me about his childhood, how he caught prawns in the river and how much he enjoyed jumping into the river n etc...he was sweet....then he told me that I will have to go to court with him 1 day and asked me not to fear anything, he will do all the talking and that I just have to be there with him...he was assuring me over and over that I will be fine..I just wanted to tell him that I am okay now but when I am with him, it feels like my appa telling me that life will be fine and I will be okay and hence I just let my lawyer be.....

I seriously donno what life is in store for me or for anyone for a fact but I am sure everyone of us will face watever that is going to come our way with a smile in our heart and face coz I have decided this is what I am going to do.......

I am going to smile and I want the whole world to smile with me :-)

Appa's cooking

Appa cook.......

My second sis is here for the weekend and yesterday after picking her up from the airport we went for dinner and she asked me if I still remember how appa will fry keoy teow for us individually?...how can I forget...I was his little helper in the kitchen!

Well, appa can cook...but limited stuff. I am blessed to have both my parents who can cook. Amma is an excellent cook, she can bake as well...tat's the reason all of us (sisters) love to bake and cook....

Back to appa....he loves to fry noodles, he is the noodle champion in the house, amma does not go into tat area and appa will have a weekend for him to cook for us. It will usually be a Saturday nite...he will get all the stuff ready, I the little helper will have to count the number of shrimp each of us will be getting, I will be chopping the garlic and etc. Appa will then fry each plate according to personal spec and I am responsible to find out what each one wants...from extra spicy to more kuchai to etc... once appa fries it, I will be screaming for the others to come and collect their plate :-)

Appa can't cook any curries....the first time he attempted it, I told him pls don't torture us:-) He cooked when amma went to Kangar as akka was going to deliver Raj and appa was entrusted to take care of my second sis n me...and appa cooked...he cooked long beans in soy sauce...he just cut the long beans and boiled them in soy sauce...it was awfull.....so told him plsssssssss don't cook, just do fried rice and we can survive on that till amma came back :-)

Oh yes, appa's duty every evening is to make tea...he will make for himself a cup of milo and for amma black coffee and for the rest of us, tea and we will all sit at the dinning table during school holidays and have proper tea. I will normally sit next to anney...yep...remember my saviours??

I can see appa now in my mind...and I can see him in his sarong and singlet...and I see him smiling...I am happy......

Krshna.......thanks for giving me my appa........

Wonderful Weekend

I had a great weekend.....alone.....not really :-)

I was home alone last weekend, only Romeo to acompany me. I tot that I am going to suffer in silence but in the end I kind of enjoyed my time alone.

Saturday morning went for my class, my partner and I presented our paper and the lecturer liked it and said he is looking forward to reading our paper! Now that is putting lots of pressure on us lah but what to do :-) Came back home and did nothing, just lazed on bed...did not go for my walk as it was drizzling and I was still recovering from my flu...


Sunday morning again off to class, nothing much happened today........Later in the evening, I went for my walk in USM. It was not raining but tiny drops of rain occasionally...wat was good was the rainbows...ahhh they just made my day. As I was bored silly, went online later at nite and invited someone over for a cup of coffee...didn't expect him to take up the offer but he did and we went out for coffee...he was equally bored at home. We had a good evening...no regrets...today, I actually asked him that too...he said no...and added that we shall do this again....

As I told P just now, it is easier like this...no commitments...no ties...no complications...just a cup of coffee when we feel like it...

I know I did not do anything great but I know something......I am okay!

Doc's quote of the day

My doc gave this quote to me today and I tot it should be here with the rest of my tots....

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.... example: If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her!!!

Nice right? Doc said women are special souls and every woman should be treated as a princess.....now pray tell me why I should not fall flat for my doc :-)

Very sweet of my doc...love u loads doc.......

Signing the papers

Kutty signed the papers!

I was seriously getting fed-up with him for not signing the papers but when I knew he did it, my heart just dropped....I know this is foolish.....I know this is what I wanted but then again, this was not what I really wanted...

I wanted to be living happily ever-after. All the fairy tales I have read always ended with ...and they lived happily ever after....I grew up reading all these and I believed this is what the world would be and should be!

Alas, I woke up and realized that life is not such..tat life is not a fairy tale...tat life is not about love...that life is about people...tat life goes on....

I wish I can be in my fairy tale world...once u conquer ur demons, you would then live a life that is yours.....

Anyway, back to my feelings, I felt sad for a moment, I felt alone, I felt empty...I told P that my life is a joke, I msged doc saying tat how I hoped he wouldn't have signed and he would have asked me back into his life....Kutty did say that nothing changes but I know...everything changed when he went back to his house in 2003!

Well, I am being okay now, have not broken down yet.....may be it has not sunken in deep yet, probably will when I see the lawyer and I have to go through the next step. It is hard to do this on my own...wish I have someone to lean on.....

Busy

This has been a very busy week....

Worked over the weekend and am doing my assignments and I got sick in the middle as well...running nose and watery eyes are no fun when I am rushing for a deadline... sigh