Why now...

Why now.....

I read these words and it just melted my heart...
             When you arrived, I realized that 
                               Somewhere, I am still alive 
                               I have now started living the wind 
                               And the air that touches your face....

I am 46, yet I still believe in love. After all that I have been through, I am still amazed with myself for still hoping that there is someone out there who will walk into my life and say all these things. I must be either foolish or just crazy or may even be disillusioned...

I know I am living but I do wish I am alive...have almost lost it...

I do thank my Krishna for bringing people in my life...at least they give me comfort knowing I still exist.

Hamari Adhuri Kahani

A beautiful movie that made me cry thinking of my life...

It was a lovely Sunday, start of Purtassi. I woke up in the morning full of energy and started cleaning up the house, changed the pots and pans, washed my front, even the dogs had a bath. Done with all my chores, I was taking a break and tuned onto channel 108 Tara on Astro. They were showing this movie, Hamari Adhuri Kahani....Our Unfinished Story....

The story was about a lady, married with a son, husband missing for 5 years but she was waiting for him, though working to sustain her life and her son's, she was true to her marriage vows. It was more of a tradition and culture that bound her to her vows, not her love for her husband nor the respect for her partner. Five years he went missing, and she went on with life being a florist for a hotel. Her flower arrangements come from her heart and she puts love in all her flower arrangements. The new owner of the hotel walks in and he falls for the flowers...

The story was about how both of them found love and how she understood the meaning of love and marriage vows. He asks her to "come and drench this barren land of my heart". He professes that " A true love story has no end" ...he sings "If paradise is here, why don't I see you.." The movie was sweet....it was about second chances....it was about what is important now, not what society expects from you, not what tradition expects from you...


The struggles she had to remove her mangala sutra was real. Meeting another person or allowing another person into her life was real...it is not easy to break away from what you have always been taught or what you always thought that this is the only way one should live life..

I started crying at the end of the movie, is there really a second chance in love? Is love so possessive? My question to myself was, am I still hoping? Hoping for what? That's a very important question I couldn't find an answer...hoping for what? A better tomorrow? But isn't my today good now and my tomorrow seems on the right path? It has to be love then, it has to be the sense of being part of someone's life, to love and to be loved...

I cried till I realized sometimes things are just not meant to be.... love was just not meant to be in my life..

My Tirumala Journey

I told Him I will be back one day.....

My first trip to India was in 1997, went with my mom and aunt. My dad and mom always wanted to go to India, Tirupati, especially...they did their passport but alas dad moved on before they could go....

A year after dad passed away, I told my mom, let's go India, go and do your prayers as you always wanted to. Off we went to South India, landed in Chennai and we just went to temples after temples after temples till I told my mom never ask me to go to any more temples when we are back in Malaysia as I think I have done enough temples to last me a life time!

It was during the drive up the 7 hills in Tirumala that I decided firmly I will tonsure my hair and it is for my dad. I told God I will come back one day for myself....and I did finally, 20 years later.

All these years, I traveled to many countries, I even went back to India a couple of times but it never occurred to me to go to Tirupati. It happened one day, was sitting at my desk at work and looked out at the sea and I heard in my head, go and see Him, go and shave your hair. I went to my boss, told her I am going to India and I will come back bald, I was not asking for permission, just telling her, I didn't know the office policy...she said ok, then said, may be you can wear a scarf. Then she asked why? Is it a vow that I am fulfilling, I said it is a promise I made, I need to do this for myself.

The idea of going to Tirupati on my own was a bit overwhelming. I have been there, I have seen the crowd and that made me look for someone else to go with. It was by sheer luck my ex-colleague, S, were going to India for a holiday and they invited me to go along, at least till Tirupati and from there I will find my way back. All was good, I was happy, waited for the day eagerly...but just a week before we were to fly off, S's contact in India said he made a mistake in booking the queue tickets and thus couldn't go to Tirupati as planned.

I started calling my friends and contacts in Chennai, tried to find a way, no one could do anything. All the tickets were sold off. The Friday we wanted to go was Vinayagar Charthurthi, a long public holiday....

I told myself, don't worry, He summoned you to come, He will make sure I will be ok....

Came Friday, went to the airport, all was well...more than well. I met my childhood friend, we knew each other since we were 7 years old. Sat together in class, and we were the bestest of buddies. She was my cabin crew...I had such an enjoyable flight to Chennai.

My ride, Anbu, was waiting when I stepped out from the airport, I said bye to my friends at the airport and went on my adventure. First stop, shopping in T-Nagar, now that was very brave of me! The crowd was amazing, felt like the whole of Chennai was out shopping on that Friday. After shopping straight to my friend's place, a cozy apartment along the ECR.

Saturday morning, I woke up early, prayed everything will be ok. Prepared myself to be in a queue for minimum 6 hours and max 12 hours, seriously, I was mentally prepared. I made sure my passport and money was in a water proof pouch.

Kumbakonam Degree Coffee

Rita, the friendly German Sheppard

The journey to Tirumala was beautiful. I saw people working in the fields, kids going to school, people going to work, we stopped at a roadside coffee stall and had an amazing Kumbakonam degree coffee. The owners were 2 old folks, who had a German Sheppard named Rita who started playing with me. From there we stopped at Tirutani but we couldn't go in for prayers, if we want to, we have to wait for at least 2 hours. I told Anbu, it is not meant to be, let's just go to Tirumala.

The drive up the 7 hills was spectacular. We switched off the aircond and just enjoyed the cool fresh air...

Men at work

Once there, after security clearance, it was tonsure time. The place was filled with guys, one guy asked me in Telugu what I wanted to do, half or full.....I have no idea what was half, so told him full! I was not prepared for the splash of 
'dettol' on my head! It was then a thought came to my mind, is he going to use a new blade, how am I going to ask him to use a new blade. My split second thoughts were put to ease, I saw him changing his razor, a new blade, right where I can see him fixing it. It took him less than 2 minutes to clean shave my head. Half way I started crying, it was not regret, it was just joy in me, I am finally doing it...doing it for myself....this means alot to me...Once done, the guy said something again in Telugu, I just looked at him, gave him money and just smiled at him. A random guy gave his hand for me to stand up, I didn't look at him, just muttered my thank you..

After my shower, Anbu again made me drink coffee and eat something, he was very concerned I might take hours in the queue. I entered the NRI/Foreign passport queue just before 12noon. The queue started moving right immediately. There was an older couple in front of me, holding US passport but was born and brought up Indians. Well, I just followed them, they really took care of me, made sure I was right behind of them through all the scanning etc. We thought we would be waiting in the cage like compartments but we were really lucky, they opened the door the moment we were there, no waiting.... not even for a minute!

I was asking the nice lady, are we there yet, she said yes, we are almost there. I was thrilled. Someone asked me something, I looked at him and he saw my confused face, he said can you please give me water. Anbu made sure I carried a bottle of water, in case I will be stuck for long, I did like an obedient child. Lo and behold, I was almost infront of Him! The nice lady was shorter than me and I was behind her...I could see Him, I wanted to tell Him so many things but I was speechless, all I could tell Him was to bless everyone in my life. I saw Him, I can hear sudden bursts of Govinda Gooovindaaa...it echoed in my ears..it was in my mind...it was in my heart.

We moved on, the couple sat down and I followed them and I started crying again. It was so emotional, it was so personal, it was so satisfying. He made it so easy for me, it was just meant for me to be there...We collected our laddos and that was it! I am done.....my purpose to India was a big success! I gave the nice lady a hug and walked out from the temple, towards where Anbu said he will be waiting for me. As I walked I saw him walking towards me, he was surprised, asked if I had prayed, I said yes, asked if I had picked the laddoo, I said yes, asked if I am happy, I said a big YES!

Garuda..naturally carved in one of the seven hills

Loved the idea of stacking up stones to see if their journey will be without obstacles 

A kutty waterfall that splashes onto the road!

The trip down was very quiet, I was still very emotional, I just couldn't believe how He made it all possible! At the exit checkpoint, 2 policemen stopped us, I was surprised, we didn't do anything, we were stopped coz they needed a ride till mid point. Those guys were friendly, asked whether I like their Tirumala and if it was clean etc. I told them I had an amazing experience and am very happy to be there. We dropped them and after a distance another policeman stopped us. He wanted to know if we had drinking water, well, I was still holding on to the bottle Anbu gave me, so we gave the policeman and continued our journey..

I could feel the glow in me, it is a happiness that couldn't be explained...the heart felt full...a bliss..

A happy me :)

I am happy, contended...came back to work and yay, am not wearing a scarf. This is me..happy....just happy...