Facebook

I went on the facebook rather late...was not into facebook nor friendster.....

I have 2 reasons why I went on facebook, the first is to find Abang....Abang was a childhood friend, I think I knew Abang when we were 3 or 4 years old, Abang's mom n dad will leave Abang with my parents when they go to work. Abang n I went to kiddy together and we were best of friends. We won't cut our birthday cake if the other is not present, well, we were VIPs in each others life..

When we were 8 years old, Abang's dad got posted to Bukit Aman and we were too young to know the importance to keep in touch. Since then, I am looking for Abang, I have tried going through yellow pages looking for him, googled his name n etc and now I am on facebook to look for Abang...

Another reason, a 47 + year old someone I know, who does not even know how to check his mails, was on facebook and that really made me snap, I know it is a dumb reason but I donno why, I just tot it was ridiculous if I am not on facebook :-)

Well anyway, the reason for this entry...that 47+ year old someone told me that now I can change my status to single and I did and I have so far received 5 quieries on what has happened....I have not replied anyone yet....will take my own time to get back to them....

Doc & I

This is really beginning to be a mission impossible, yep, meeting my doc is slowly becoming harder than meeting the President of the United States...well it feels like it now....at least I have heard Obama's voice, with my doc, even that is a no no!!!

God knows what is the problem with my doc, why is he so reluctant to meet me or talk to me... What is he so scared of??? I was chatting with doc today and I actually told him that I merajuk now and I have decided not to meet my doc....too much hassle. May be it is better not to meet my doc, may be it is meant to be this way...

Probably doc thinks that I want something more out of this friendship, but trust me, I like my doc, I am not in love with him nor I see him in any other way than a friend, it is like seeing my dumbo or WS, I love them loads but I am not attracted at all to them...the only difference with doc and those guys are, I flirt with my doc, with dumbo n friends, we r just very very good friends...

Doc, I know you'll stumble on this entry sooner or later and I know there is going to be a frown earlier and now it would have changed into a smile and I know that you would have gotten the idea by now of who I am.... I am just ur teddy doc, harmless creature that God created who loves to laugh, sing, fall in love and cry like a baby.........

Doc, don't be afraid of me!!!

Mrs Mosquitoes

Mrs Mosquitoes and I have a very good relationship, somehow, I seem to be able to attract them very well, whether or not I attract any guys I seem to be able to attract these blood sucking ladies....

Well, this is a hate relationship since young, mosquitoes find me easily, I can be in a room with many people but then I am the only one that will be bitten and I have this nasty habit of once bitten, I get itchy all over and won't be okay for some time.

These few nites, been having sleepless nites, mental stress as my doc said, well added on to that is this love-hate relationships with mrs mosquitoes.

Last nite in a span of 3 hours, I managed to kill 8 mosquitoes, it just feels like my house is infested by them at this moment....sigh

The Meeting

I met the lawyer today, I was good, did not shed a single tears, but the moment I was in the car, I messaged doc first and I was crying and crying for a good 10 minutes. I donno why I messaged doc first, I knew I was going to meet P, so besides P, it was doc who came into my mind...I wanted to call my soon to be ex-hubby, but I know he was sleeping...he came home late last nite.

The lawyer was kind of nice to talk to...I am sure he tot I must be a crazy fool for being me...but then again, this is me...

I was just on the phone with him, told him all tat happened with the lawyer this evening and I told him that I just wanted to talk to him when I came out from the lawyer's office, I actually told that to my doc as well...I just wanted to be with my soon to be ex....

He said don't worry, he is there for me.......God Lord, what is wrong with the 2 of us? We don't sound like 2 people getting a divorce...

Watever it is, I donno if he is going to be there for me in the future, but at least I know 1 thing for sure, I have memories of 7 yrs to last me my life time...

The End

I meet my husband 7 years ago today and today I called the lawyer to end my marriage to him...

What is this? What has happened in the past 7 years? Lots and the most I can remember were tears....buckets and buckets of it.

As I was talking to P last nite, she told me, that I am the person who does watever my heart desires and now I know, this is wat my heart desires, to be out from this mockery of a marriage my "better half" has made it to be.

I am a strong beleiver of romance, love and marriages and feelings n ....yes, I am the softie, I am the romantic fool but sadly, I was in a relationship where the guy did not feel all these, not even a bit.

It was funny today, he told me "I have never loved anyone else like I love you"...but alas, this is also the guy who married another girl and fathered a child and on top of that had an affair as well....

He asked me what I am going to do with a divorce from him....told him that I just want to move on with my life, I want to concentrate in my studies, I want to do whatever I want to do...

He just could not beleive that I will actually move on, that I will actually meet someone and I will fall in love with anyone...

He admits tat he is selfish, he said he did not want to loose me and all that he learnt about love was from me...the funny thing was, he never said all those before this, why now? I know the answer to that, he just did not want to have any problems, he is scared that this will have an impact in his life or more like his life without me.

Well, I am very sure of 1 thing now, I am sure I want to be out, out from this madness and just move on.

I have no idea how I will be in the future, whether I am going to be alone or whether I will be with someone who loves me as I love him but I am sure I will be okay.

Regrets? no....I beleive everything happens for a reason....

Krshna, hold my hand please, support me please, this part of the path is a bit rough, I am scared that I might tumble and fall and if I do, I know your angels will be there to help me up....but Krshna, please don't leave me now as I need you most now....

Poem

I read this in a blog and I tot it was too nice not to be included here......

Niem”ller spoke out, and for his trouble was incarcerated in the Sachsenhausen and Dachau concentration camps from 1937 to 1945, and very nearly executed. While incarcerated, Niem”ller wrote a poem:

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Song

I love singing........whether I can carry a tune, I have no idea but I love to sing.....

This is a song I've been listening for some time now but did not know from which movie till P told me.......the words are very beautiful.......

Sollama Chinnama sollama chellama
Manasodu pesum neram thaane
oh Kasodhu sattam ketkaleye

the way the singer sang the song was so pretty, and I as usuall, fell in love tunggang terbalik :-)

Oh god, I can't be falling in love so easily can I? but then again that's just me!

Dinner

It has been long since I dressed up for dinner and last nite, I went out for dinner and I did dress up.

I wore a black blouse and black pants (the ones I fell in love with) and I matched it with silver accessories, silver bangles, silver earings, white gold chain........

I carried a clack handbag and I wore heels........

Why I did all that? I have no idea, it was not to impress my dinner date, it was for myself, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to feel good and I wanted someone telling me I look good.

I had a pleasant evening, enjoyed the company, enjoyed the food and I enjoyed the songs as well.

I like getting dressed and going out and I am going to make it a must do thing in my monthly activity. Next week, I will be meeting Dumbo and gang and I m going to dress up.

Told P that on 13th Feb, we shall dine out in style.........I want to pamper myself :-)

Brother n Sister ...Love & Hate Relationship

U know how brothers and sisters are? Sometimes at each other's throat and at times the best of buddies... well this is the tale of my good friend and her colleague.

These two sometimes will be at logger heads and the next moment I know they will be going out for lunch or tea and having a good time talking as if nothing happened. According to my friend, it is a love and hate relationship....according to me, peas in a pod!!

Well, for me, I am enjoying all these tantrums and get-together..... I am just waiting to see when the next argument is coming :-)

Dumbo

When I woke this morning, I thought I had to write something about my Dumbo and my friends, WS and ESI.

I met these fellas in 1994 when we entered college. I was the only Indian in a class of 40+ Chinese students and I just hit it off with ESI. We sat together throughout 3.5 years of our studies.

Dumbo is a tall guy who sat infront of us and was blocking our view, the first time he turned around to talk to both of us was in our accounts class...I was hopeless in accounts as I had never done accounts in school while ESI was much better off and Dumbo, being Dumbo, forgot all about accounts...somehow from there, we just became good friends and ESI and I are the only ones who can call him Dumbo :-)

WS came into our lives coz he was attracted to ESI and he slowly entered into our circle....

This was the group that was with me when my dad passed away, my biggest blow in life and they helped me to cope with life....they were there for every single step of my life after dad...they just waited until I finished crying...they were just there....

Now, back to Dumbo, he is younger than me by 3 years, but he bosses me around worst than my big brother. This is the guy who held my hands to cross the road coz I donno how to cross roads if I am not holding anyone's hands. This is the guy who waited at the bus stop one night coz I did not have ride back home (he only has a bike and he had to fetch his gf) and waited till a bus came and told me not to board the bus as it was empty and waited till I got in the next bus, he made sure I took off my chain and watch before even walking to the bus stop.

This is the guy who gave ESI and me a single rose on Valentine's day, he said he knows both of us don't have bf and he took us out on Chap Go May as on Valentine's day, he was taking his gf out...

This was the guy who told me when I told him that I m getting married to think carefully before I do it and when he dropped me off after dinner, told me that no matter what I decide, he will be there for me 100%. When I got married and was going off to US, this was the guy who gave me a big hug infront of my house and told me to take care.

When mom passed away, I was in US and he was the 1st person I saw online and I was crying and crying, feeling guilty for not being there for my mom, and he told me that I have done all I could all those years I was with mom, he told me not to regret, he told me this was life, he told me my dad would have been proud of me...

This was the guy, when last year I decided to break away from my hubby, I saw Dumbo online and I told him I need to talk, and he flew from sg and came and picked me up for dinner and we chatted and I cried and he listened...

When I was chatting with my salesman and I told Dumbo that I might be going out with my salesman, he was dead against it, he scolded me so much, he really did and after scolding me, he asked if he sounded like my dad, I said no, dad would not have scolded this much :-)

Last nite, I saw Dumbo online, told him I have not cried in the past 4 days, he said that's wonderful and I told him I am finally going to see the lawyer, he said good and most importantly, he said I will be okay.... then I asked him, "can you take me for a moonlight walk on the beach?" he replied " yes, I will be there coming Thursday and I'll call you and we shall go for your walk"...

This is my Dumbo and Krshna, thank you for giving me my Dumbo!

My Friend and her email-guy

I am writing this entry admist a deadline for an assignment due in less than 24 hours!

Just could not help it, well this is about a very good friend, P, and her email guy. Yes it is her email guy and I am praying that he is for keeps.

First, a brief intro of email guy....he entered her life mid of last year, my friend you see is a sucker for words and needless to say, email guy swept her feet off from his first message. The moment she gets a message or an email from him, you can hear the excitement in her voice, the appreciation of his words, heck the love for his words and she will go all dreamy about this and will justify herself that she can't help but fall for this guy.

One fine nite (yes it is nite, not day...just follow the story pls...) he called her at 3.45am and after talking to her, he decided to drive that nite to come and meet her. And that day, I received a 7am call from my friend, she hardly calls me tat early in the morning and I got a shock recieving that call!

She was excited, nervous, happy and every other possible feelings within her and she was waiting for him, tat was when I came up with my first grand theory that she was already in love with him. She kept denying tat fact all these while, saying that she was just enjoying the attentionlah, just loved his wordslah, etc...yeah, I knew it, just in denial :)

Well, to cut the story short, this morning I called her to ask about bibliography and refences (I did mention I have less than 24 hours to complete an assignment right!) when she was so happy...oh yes...another call...at 1.45am :-)

Now what is this with her email-guy? What's his obsession with 3/4s???

Anyway,I wish my friend that she'll have her email guy...oh yes, finally she admited that she likes him wholely...and yes, I am still waiting for her to confess her love to him by telling me about it as I know, she might not tell him tat, not for now that is.

As for email-guy, if you only know, I wish that you would allow my friend into your life, and trust me, the two of you are made for each other and I know my friend understands you and your life......

Grand Theories

I was talking to a friend who chided me for coming up with a grand theory and here's most of the theories we cooked up:

1. You are already in love with the guy even before meeting him if you miss him like crazy! [ this theory came upon when she was waiting for this guy to come and see her...I'll never forget the morning call I received from her....she was so excited that he was coming to see her...excited? nah....more like nervous!!!.....]

2. When you call the person and she is in an important meeting but still answers your call, then she is attracted to you! [ this came upon from a guy who is going to be 48 soon and still have no clue about life and relationship...he is at the moment attracted to someone!!]

3. After meeting the guy and he does not answer your calls anymore, it is because he is totally in love with you and if he answers ur calls, he won't be able to stop him from falling deeper in love with you..... [ this came up from my friend and I, after we lost my salesman and her 'email guy'!!!!]

I shall add on to these as time goes.....

Name

I know my Doc's name and it is so nice....

I love names and I love to know the meaning of names, it just makes me wonder how our parents want us to be by giving names to us that carries hopes and wishes to their new born.

I do beleive Krsna sent my doc to me, he is the ray that keeps me warm, my doc just listens to me, sometimes I feel really bad for taking his time, coz anyone who knows me, knows how much I talk and hardly let anyone else talk!

Doc just listens to me, even today, I was telliing him all about how I miss Ponggal, how I love to draw kolams and how crazy I can be with sarees.....and all he did was just listen and said all the right things.

I do hope I am not taking up your precious time doc, I know I can be a pest...not sometimes..more like always! I thank you doc, thank you for the rays that embrace me each time we chat...

Well doc. love u loads..

Life

I have not stopped crying...it has been a week....and I am still crying.

I kept asking everyone if I will stop crying and the answer is the same, I will but why is it that deep inside me, I know I won't. I seriously donno what is it that I am going to look forward to in life...I donno how I am going to go on living, I know I will, I have seen this, life goes on no matter what, how I am going to lead that life is the grand question.

How I wish, I have appa now, can I just sit between his legs and ask him to protect me from all these? Can you please stroke my head appa and tell me it is okay and you are here for me. I know you'll be so heartbroken to see me crying like this, I know you did not bring me into this world to cry like this....I am trying appa, I am really trying not to cry, but you know me, I cry so easily......

Why do I loose all the men I love in my life so fast? Can't I have at least one that I can keep forever? Why do they go away so fast?

Frankly speaking, I donno why I am crying, I am just crying....sometimes I feel guilty crying. I tell myself it is not worth my tears, but this is my life, this is me, I have to go through this, I have to face this and somehow it is so hard, it is so so hard and I donno how to handle this!

Oh Krshna, can you please show me how to handle this? I know you are sending all your angels to help me but it is not working Krshna, my heart is not comforted and I donno what will make my heart okay or whether it will ever be okay again....

If only appa n anney are here, perhaps, just perhaps......

Lesson of the day

My salesman scolded me today, scolded me for trusting mankind so easily. Well, the fact is, he does not know me well to say all those things to me. I just kept quiet, told him thanks and then told him since he does not understand me, I shall just leave it and go.

He was asking me to make him understand, told him no, I am too tired explaining myself to anyone.

I know why he came into my life, to tell me that I can move on...

I sincerely donno what is going to happen to me in the future, I am not going to ponder into it, but I know one thing for sure, this is my life, I am going to smile or laugh or cry the way I want it to be and I am going to do all that my heart desires.

To my salesman...adious amigo...

To my life....cheers!!

To love....thank you!

New Year

Been 8 days since the year began and I am already facing challenges...my biggest at the moment.

I spoke to him yesterday and I have been crying since then. I know this is the best and I know I am going to miss it all.

He told me yesterday that I was the best thing that happened in his life, that he would never find another like me, that I make 200% of a wife....he told me all that I wanted to hear.....but all I could think was "if I am all that u say then why wasn't good enough for you? why didn't you fight for me?"

U know something, I did not ask him, coz I know it is over....I have to put an end to this.......when I asked him if I will be okay, he said yes, I will be okay and that he will be there to support every decision I take. Ours will be a friendship that I will cherish forever.

I am going to miss him, I donno whether I will love anyone else with my whole heart ever again, but I know 1 thing, I am glad he came into my life and now, today, I am glad I am out of this mess...

I am praying that God will guide me. I am not asking for anything or anyone......I am just glad that I am at peace now. God, do please help me to walk this path I have chosen....alone.....please be my light......

I love u Kutty, I always will but now it is time I stop crying.....