My second year going through this date....
It was 7 years back... yesterday I was doing everything possible to get myself not to think about it, I went for a movie and while watching the movie my mind was still thinking about my life. I was not asking what went wrong, I was not thinking what I would have done differently if I knew I was going to be alone on this day, 7 years later... my mind just did not know what to think and that was what I was thinking... how much sense is in this, I have no idea but this is what happened to me the whole of yesterday...
I managed to hang on, it was at the end of the day when I was talking to my chettiar that I asked him to tell me that I will be ok... I just need to hear the words... somehow that is something important for me... no matter how much I tell myself I will be ok, I just need the assurance from another person...
I am going to face many more 28 of Julys in my life and probably I will be the same as I was this year... I have no idea if there will be a day without me thinking about Kutty... a day without me thinking about life... a day when it will all be really really ok....
I am happy now but why is it in my heart I am questionning myself if I am reallyhappy or am I am just saying it? I don't need anyone else to doubt me, I doubt myself! Hopefully end of the day... all will be well....
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Priest
Oh God.....
Am going to temple every Thursday and Friday these days. All these while, when I go to temple, I won't say a word, just pray and leave and the whole duration I spend in the temple is less than 5 minutes but these days as I am making archanai, I am there a bit longer.
There is a priest, a young priest, who seems to be talking too much, to me and that is my problem... After my second visit, he came to me and said that I remind him of Meenakshi, with a puzzled look I asked him why, he said my tattoo looks like a parrot... oh dear oh dear... I told him it is a butterfly and he came near to check it out and that freaked me. I thought this is going to be a one time conversation but boy oh boy...
Everytime I go to temple he will say something, he will comment if I am not in a saree, he comments on my hair, my fingernails, the way I eat raisins..... he just have things to say! I have gone on complaining to everyone possible about him, Dimple walla said it is justified that I whack the priest, my chettiar finds it amusing, Doc thinks that is cute, my colleagues find it amusing... What I have decided to do is to bring someone, anyone, a guy to whack the priest... I am just waiting for that someone now :-)
Oh ya, he has changed my name too.... he added Meenakshi to my name.....what did I do? I just let him be.....
Am going to temple every Thursday and Friday these days. All these while, when I go to temple, I won't say a word, just pray and leave and the whole duration I spend in the temple is less than 5 minutes but these days as I am making archanai, I am there a bit longer.
There is a priest, a young priest, who seems to be talking too much, to me and that is my problem... After my second visit, he came to me and said that I remind him of Meenakshi, with a puzzled look I asked him why, he said my tattoo looks like a parrot... oh dear oh dear... I told him it is a butterfly and he came near to check it out and that freaked me. I thought this is going to be a one time conversation but boy oh boy...
Everytime I go to temple he will say something, he will comment if I am not in a saree, he comments on my hair, my fingernails, the way I eat raisins..... he just have things to say! I have gone on complaining to everyone possible about him, Dimple walla said it is justified that I whack the priest, my chettiar finds it amusing, Doc thinks that is cute, my colleagues find it amusing... What I have decided to do is to bring someone, anyone, a guy to whack the priest... I am just waiting for that someone now :-)
Oh ya, he has changed my name too.... he added Meenakshi to my name.....what did I do? I just let him be.....
Starbuck's brother
Yeap, I met his brother....
I have no clue why I am being introduced to one by one of his family members :-) Nope, nothing is happening between us, just that I know about his younger sister, now his younger brother and I also know that his elder brother is married and lives in KL.
His younger brother, he is cute, kind of looks up at the big brother. We went out for tea and to get to the place, we had to cross the road. Knowing how nuts I am about crossing the road, I told starbuck's brother that I will hold his hands and I did and we crossed the road. Somehow I know I would not have done that if it was just me and SB. Anyway, during tea, as usual, SB and I got into an argument and we totally forgot his brother was there. We only realised that he was there when we heard him laughing.....that was bad!!
I am happy these days meeting people.. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, I donno what life is all about... but it is good.. as I am making a choice that life is good...
I have no clue why I am being introduced to one by one of his family members :-) Nope, nothing is happening between us, just that I know about his younger sister, now his younger brother and I also know that his elder brother is married and lives in KL.
His younger brother, he is cute, kind of looks up at the big brother. We went out for tea and to get to the place, we had to cross the road. Knowing how nuts I am about crossing the road, I told starbuck's brother that I will hold his hands and I did and we crossed the road. Somehow I know I would not have done that if it was just me and SB. Anyway, during tea, as usual, SB and I got into an argument and we totally forgot his brother was there. We only realised that he was there when we heard him laughing.....that was bad!!
I am happy these days meeting people.. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, I donno what life is all about... but it is good.. as I am making a choice that life is good...
My Chettiar
He came into my life through Shaadi....
Yes, I am registered on Shaadi, a matrimonial websites and I did come accross a number of interesting encounters and the most interesting would be my chettiar....that is how I call him, my chettiar and he seems to be okay to be called so.
Chettiar and I have lots in common, he too lives without a partner and he too could not move on eventhough he is convincing himself he is ready to move on .... just like me. One day when I was talking to him, he was saying about all his plans were dashed, his dreams, his life...somehow it hit the right cord in me too....I know what he was saying, if felt as if I was saying that to myself...that was the moment I knew that chettiar and I are in the same boat and that he would understand me when I moan and groan once in a while on all the things that happened in my life....
He is fun to talk to :-) I am loving every moment I talk to him as I am distrubing him every moment, he is being teased, flirted with and bullied all the time....he knows I am having my fun and my chettiar retaliates too...he is a great teaser as well :-)
He has a beautiful daughter, 7 yrs old who lives with her mom. Listening to him talking about her melts my heart and on her birthday, he called me and he started crying. My heart went all out for him...he was in pain...great pain. I told him to start a new tradition, celebrate her birthday again when she is with him, take photos and start new memories...chettiar kept saying that he was never in any of his daughter's birthday photos.... He was out from her life when she was barely 6 months old... I donno what exactly happened in his life but whatever it was, the pain is always there for everyone!
Life goes on, I keep telling him that, chettiar brings my spirit up when I am down and I do the same to him too. We seem to understand somethings, it is not that we agree to everything but somehow it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who is not able to handle this life!
I do hope I will be part of chettiar's life, as a friend, if he wants to... I am okay too if he decides to leave as I do think I know his purpose to walk into my life. It has been more than a month I have been talking to my chettiar and I am beginning to know him better each day... as for him, he says I am giving him shocks everytime I talk to him!!!
Hope this is a beginning of a beautiful friendship!
Yes, I am registered on Shaadi, a matrimonial websites and I did come accross a number of interesting encounters and the most interesting would be my chettiar....that is how I call him, my chettiar and he seems to be okay to be called so.
Chettiar and I have lots in common, he too lives without a partner and he too could not move on eventhough he is convincing himself he is ready to move on .... just like me. One day when I was talking to him, he was saying about all his plans were dashed, his dreams, his life...somehow it hit the right cord in me too....I know what he was saying, if felt as if I was saying that to myself...that was the moment I knew that chettiar and I are in the same boat and that he would understand me when I moan and groan once in a while on all the things that happened in my life....
He is fun to talk to :-) I am loving every moment I talk to him as I am distrubing him every moment, he is being teased, flirted with and bullied all the time....he knows I am having my fun and my chettiar retaliates too...he is a great teaser as well :-)
He has a beautiful daughter, 7 yrs old who lives with her mom. Listening to him talking about her melts my heart and on her birthday, he called me and he started crying. My heart went all out for him...he was in pain...great pain. I told him to start a new tradition, celebrate her birthday again when she is with him, take photos and start new memories...chettiar kept saying that he was never in any of his daughter's birthday photos.... He was out from her life when she was barely 6 months old... I donno what exactly happened in his life but whatever it was, the pain is always there for everyone!
Life goes on, I keep telling him that, chettiar brings my spirit up when I am down and I do the same to him too. We seem to understand somethings, it is not that we agree to everything but somehow it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who is not able to handle this life!
I do hope I will be part of chettiar's life, as a friend, if he wants to... I am okay too if he decides to leave as I do think I know his purpose to walk into my life. It has been more than a month I have been talking to my chettiar and I am beginning to know him better each day... as for him, he says I am giving him shocks everytime I talk to him!!!
Hope this is a beginning of a beautiful friendship!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Long break
Four months of silence.....
Ya, it has been four months since I last wrote and many things have taken place within this space....I met a couple of new characters...attended a couple of weddings...went for a holiday and yes, like I mentioned many interesting things have taken place during this time....
I shall start writing again.....there is so much to write, so little time......no, I shall not give excusses, I shall just start writing and I shall try to find time to write......
It is good to write.....it frees my soul.......
Ya, it has been four months since I last wrote and many things have taken place within this space....I met a couple of new characters...attended a couple of weddings...went for a holiday and yes, like I mentioned many interesting things have taken place during this time....
I shall start writing again.....there is so much to write, so little time......no, I shall not give excusses, I shall just start writing and I shall try to find time to write......
It is good to write.....it frees my soul.......
Relearning life
I am relearning life....
Last week, I woke up from my slumber to realise that I can't stand being me...I am talking the physical me, not the inner me. I actually understood why my mom did not like me, I stood infront of the mirror and all I could see is the ugly me, I could not see even a bit in me that I thought is beautiful....
Then it hit me, I have been lying to myself all these years, I keep saying I am beautiful inside and that is important. I always say that I am special, unique and I am who I am...but why am I doing that...I have to ask myself that question! I have been telling or consoling myself, I know I am not pretty hence to overcome that I've been telling myself that I have inner beauty...what inner beauty....that was the next question!
I decided on that day that I am going to stop talking to everyone. First I messaged Kutty to thank him and to apologise to him, thanked him for marrying me coz when I saw myself, I knew no one would want to be associated with me, no one would have wanted to introduce me as his wife....well Kutty did love me at one time.... I apologised to him for making his life tough, he had a choice not to marry me, but he did and he went through hell just because of me....
Then I set on telling all my important friends of my decision to go on hiding...I need time to know myself, to love myself, to be able to look at myself and not think that I am ugly..basically, I have to be okay with myself.....I received mixed reactions from every one of them...
I am taking this time to relearn how to live.....I am going on a journey that is giving me so many paths to choose and I am surprised that I am able to see all these different paths....I do know Krshna is accompaning me on this journey....
Last week, I woke up from my slumber to realise that I can't stand being me...I am talking the physical me, not the inner me. I actually understood why my mom did not like me, I stood infront of the mirror and all I could see is the ugly me, I could not see even a bit in me that I thought is beautiful....
Then it hit me, I have been lying to myself all these years, I keep saying I am beautiful inside and that is important. I always say that I am special, unique and I am who I am...but why am I doing that...I have to ask myself that question! I have been telling or consoling myself, I know I am not pretty hence to overcome that I've been telling myself that I have inner beauty...what inner beauty....that was the next question!
I decided on that day that I am going to stop talking to everyone. First I messaged Kutty to thank him and to apologise to him, thanked him for marrying me coz when I saw myself, I knew no one would want to be associated with me, no one would have wanted to introduce me as his wife....well Kutty did love me at one time.... I apologised to him for making his life tough, he had a choice not to marry me, but he did and he went through hell just because of me....
Then I set on telling all my important friends of my decision to go on hiding...I need time to know myself, to love myself, to be able to look at myself and not think that I am ugly..basically, I have to be okay with myself.....I received mixed reactions from every one of them...
I am taking this time to relearn how to live.....I am going on a journey that is giving me so many paths to choose and I am surprised that I am able to see all these different paths....I do know Krshna is accompaning me on this journey....
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