What made you do this????
I usually don't have a good answer to these kind of questions. My reason for doing anything does not fall in the category of conventional acceptable normal answers. I do everything that concerns about me in life because I just want to do it. It has never been coz that is the popular thing or the normal thing or what will others think.
Last year, I was in a full time employment. I changed career in September, went into the industry. Was a system designer. I listen to clients request and come up with a solution on what they are looking for. It was fun but I was traveling up and down Singapore and was literally online all the time with the Bangalore & UAE team. After sometime it was not what I wanted, so I quit.
I quit without having another job at hand. Questions started why did you do that? What are you going to do for income? I had no answers for anyone. I was not confident I will get a job straight away but I knew my savings would help me till the year end.
I had time for myself. Started on taking care of my garden, went to sister's house to get some seedlings. I planted roses, japanese roses, ferns, and many more, even had my own okra plant and when it started bearing, it was a wonderful feeling. I started exercising, going for my morning walks. I started on my intermittent fasting. Started to listen to my body. I was happy with the changes I brought within me.
I did attend a couple of interviews, got the job but I didn't like the terms. Finally, my dear friend V introduced me to INTI college, part time lecturer, for 14 weeks. I said why not, and I got in. During that time, I was thinking of giving home tuition for young kids and I landed with 2 boys. That decision on home tutoring was the best. I love spending the 2 hours per week with each kid. They are curious boys, have no qualms touching me and asking me all kinds of questions. They are masters in deception...they will do anything they can not to study. Very cute boys....am taking them for a movie tomorrow, my 1st outing with them. I am surprised both set of parents are receptive with the idea of me taking them out for the movie and McD!
Back to the question, what made you do this? Because I can!
A K is someone I have been chatting recently...
My dimple walla/starbucks introduced me to the dating site sometime back and I have been on the site once in a while. I think A K was chatting with me for over 6 months. He was different. Never asked for my number or never suggested to meet even though he was only from SP.
I took my own sweet time to get to know him and only a couple of months back we exchanged phone number and we were chatting via whatsapp. He was ok, nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, about a couple of weeks ago, we started to call each other and I used to talk to him in English and he will converse in Tamil. He kept asking me to speak in Tamil and I told him I will once I am comfortable with him.
The thing is, last week, I was in a very low moment in life, figuring out what I want in this world and feeling all lonely and suggested to him to meet for coffee. He agreed. I was surprised. I didn't think he would want to meet me.
A K is the total opposite of me. He speaks only Tamil, does not flirt, does not understand what I say, does not read between the lines, he does not initiate the conversation but something in him is interesting. When it was time to go home, he asked me if I am ok to see him again. I said yes, do tell if you are free on a weekend, and I am free we shall meet. He looked at me and said, just answer my question, I said yes, if our weekends are free, we shall meet for lunch and I went on to explain to him. He stopped me and asked again the same question and said just give me a yes or no answer. For once, I was taken aback. This guy is not who is saying he is. I looked at him and said yes, and our evening ended with a handshake!
Last week he found out he will be going to Mentakab for 5 months. I don't know why, I was sad. I liked chatting with this guy, I look forward to his call. He tells me about his work, his mom, his sister, just everyday stuff and nothing serious but I caught myself missing his calls for the past 2 days. It hit me, I have let someone into my life, that is something I am not willing to do... no attachment. I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to feel.
The thing that surprised me most was, A K is not my kind of a guy.....life is funny...To A K who left a brief footprint in my life, thank you. You made me realize that I am not as strong as I want to be, I have to build a stronger wall to protect my heart from being hurt. I don't want to feel love, it is not meant for me...
My youngest niece received her doctorate recently...
My youngest niece, K, was doing her Master's degree and it was upgraded to a Doctorate. When she told me, I was really very happy for her. I knew my brother would have been so proud of his little girl, he left them too soon, she was only 10 when he moved on.
Well, K told me only a day before her convocation that she got her PhD. She didn't invite me for her convocation and I didn't say anything about it. But when I found out she has invited others and left me out, I felt the hurt. This is the girl who chats with me everyday, who asks me all kinds of things, she knows I will always have her back but she thought I was not important enough to share her happiness.
My elder sister was around the weekend of the convocation. She was equally hurt, she was going on and on why all the secrets. I told her to let it go. My brother in law saw how affected the two of us were and he reminded us we did whatever we can for our brother's daughters.
Something inside me changed. I felt free...I love them but it is not the same. I questioned myself, why do they hate me or why is it it is okay for them to hurt my feelings, am I that bad a person? I wanted an answer but it dawned to me, I don't need an answer, I don't need to question myself. This is my life, no one should be able to affect me if I don't allow them.
I was advised by some good friends to rethink my relationship with my family.
That week I was a mess, 14th November was appa's birthday. I woke up in the morning missing him. My first thought was I don't have a father, I don't have a mother, I don't have a spouse, I don't have kids and I don't even have Romeo! I have no one in this life....and I started to cry and cry and cry the whole day. It was too much to handle...
But a 4am conversation I had with my dear Han on Sunday morning, changed my perspective. How I see life is how it is going to make or kill my life. Han was talking about her niece going through cancer treatment and that was a kick for me. Here I am feeling sorry for myself when I am perfectly fine whereas her niece has 3 young kids and she is fighting a life altering moment.
I changed. A good change.
I just added a new tattoo....
My tattoo journey started in 2009 with a coloured tattoo of a single rose and butterfly. I continued to add on a phoenix on my calf, a peacock feather, roses and butterflies, a Maori inspired tattoo after my trip from New Zealand and Nike...the Goddess of Victory.
I did a new tattoo yesterday.....my Krishna....He is so close to my heart now and I just love it!!! I was not thinking of adding a new tattoo, it just happened. I saw an image of Krishna and I just knew that was the one. Someone actually made a remark that I am wild and for a moment I was upset and wanted to explain I am not but I stopped. I stopped to explain who I am and what my tattoos mean to me. It is my life, I don't owe an explanation to anyone what I am doing to myself...
There is more to my life then my tattoos.
I have no answer to myself nor to anyone why I love to ink myself, it is just something I like, it is just like I love to read, I love to chat....why no one ask me why so? By having another tattoo, my Krishna tattoo does not make me a lesser human being nor does it make a better person, my tattoo is just me.
I don't know if I will be doing another tattoo or if my Krishna is going to be the final tattoo, we shall just have to wait and see 😍
I had time for myself. Started on taking care of my garden, went to sister's house to get some seedlings. I planted roses, japanese roses, ferns, and many more, even had my own okra plant and when it started bearing, it was a wonderful feeling. I started exercising, going for my morning walks. I started on my intermittent fasting. Started to listen to my body. I was happy with the changes I brought within me. 
