Received this from a mail....
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
If I had my life to live forever
This is something nice I stumbled on......
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.'
There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back.
STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!! Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what ....
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
This is something really nice, something everyone should practice, we seem to be rushing through life..everything has to have a purpose...well I am sure I am the foolish, silly girl...love to laugh, love to watch the sun set and just wasting my time....but this is my life and I intent to live it the way I want it to be....
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.'
There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back.
STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!! Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what ....
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
This is something really nice, something everyone should practice, we seem to be rushing through life..everything has to have a purpose...well I am sure I am the foolish, silly girl...love to laugh, love to watch the sun set and just wasting my time....but this is my life and I intent to live it the way I want it to be....
Monday, November 2, 2009
Mr Moon
I saw my mr moon last nite.......
Ooooooo he was smiling at me.... he was ravishing, simply yellow and he was big... when I saw him, he was just rising and he was magnificant.. the first thing I had in mind was to tell doc to see mr moon... no reply from doc.. I checked with doc today, he said he missed seeing my mr moon as it was raining... it is okay doc, just trust me when I say that mr moon was smiling at me last nite ....
I can be so in love with my mr moon and guess what....I don't mind it at all :-)
Ooooooo he was smiling at me.... he was ravishing, simply yellow and he was big... when I saw him, he was just rising and he was magnificant.. the first thing I had in mind was to tell doc to see mr moon... no reply from doc.. I checked with doc today, he said he missed seeing my mr moon as it was raining... it is okay doc, just trust me when I say that mr moon was smiling at me last nite ....
I can be so in love with my mr moon and guess what....I don't mind it at all :-)
Jealousy
Jealousy is bad but then again it is sweet too.....
Is it sweet? Hmmmm...tough to answerkan? Saturday morning was suppose to meet Affair for dimsum. I sent my 2nd sis to the bus station at 8am and told Affair he can come over after 8.30am and we can have breakfast together. I waited till 9am, no sign of him, called twice he did not answer...finally at 9.30 I sent him a message, told him I'm hungry and am going to make my breakfast hence cancelling the breakfast date.
He called me at 11 something, he just woke up...ya ya...sexy voice...he actually asked me that too...sigh :-) He asked if I was upset, the answer was no, I was just hungry...he said, I will be there about 1 something, we shall go for lunch. I said no, I have my partner coming over at 2pm and I want to get somethings read. Next question was, what time is she leaving...I said he, my partner is a he, and that woke Affair up...no more the sexy manja voice :-)
I really wanted to laugh coz the next thing he asked was, your partner is a guy? I said yes, then I added what's your problem??? To that he said nothing, but he still insisted he wanted to come and see me...
Affair did come on Saturday at about 3 something, after my partner left....I did not ask Affair anything... I did not want to know anything... it is easier to be ignorant....
Is it sweet? Hmmmm...tough to answerkan? Saturday morning was suppose to meet Affair for dimsum. I sent my 2nd sis to the bus station at 8am and told Affair he can come over after 8.30am and we can have breakfast together. I waited till 9am, no sign of him, called twice he did not answer...finally at 9.30 I sent him a message, told him I'm hungry and am going to make my breakfast hence cancelling the breakfast date.
He called me at 11 something, he just woke up...ya ya...sexy voice...he actually asked me that too...sigh :-) He asked if I was upset, the answer was no, I was just hungry...he said, I will be there about 1 something, we shall go for lunch. I said no, I have my partner coming over at 2pm and I want to get somethings read. Next question was, what time is she leaving...I said he, my partner is a he, and that woke Affair up...no more the sexy manja voice :-)
I really wanted to laugh coz the next thing he asked was, your partner is a guy? I said yes, then I added what's your problem??? To that he said nothing, but he still insisted he wanted to come and see me...
Affair did come on Saturday at about 3 something, after my partner left....I did not ask Affair anything... I did not want to know anything... it is easier to be ignorant....
Destiny
I saw a guy on a bike and it is destiny.....
Nope, not a romantic story...far from it :-) Just thought I would spice up my tots!! But there is some truth in it... last Thursday on my way back home, I saw this guy on a bike..nothing great right but this guy had his notebook bag carried on his back and he was wearing a long sleeve white shirt and he had a red tie on, a pair of shoes without socks...he of course made me curious...and you could have noticed how observant I was...
I really wanted to see his face but as he was on a bike, he had a helmet on and it was rather difficult to see him, so i just let it be. I tot, well may be tomorrow evening I might bump into him again if I leave at the same time as today form the gym...
Lo and behold, the next morning, I saw him again...same things...white long sleeve shirt, notebook on his back, black shoes without socks and the only change was he had a blue tie....I burst out laughing, Krshna is having fun with my life...I was thinking about destiny...is there one???
Nope, not a romantic story...far from it :-) Just thought I would spice up my tots!! But there is some truth in it... last Thursday on my way back home, I saw this guy on a bike..nothing great right but this guy had his notebook bag carried on his back and he was wearing a long sleeve white shirt and he had a red tie on, a pair of shoes without socks...he of course made me curious...and you could have noticed how observant I was...
I really wanted to see his face but as he was on a bike, he had a helmet on and it was rather difficult to see him, so i just let it be. I tot, well may be tomorrow evening I might bump into him again if I leave at the same time as today form the gym...
Lo and behold, the next morning, I saw him again...same things...white long sleeve shirt, notebook on his back, black shoes without socks and the only change was he had a blue tie....I burst out laughing, Krshna is having fun with my life...I was thinking about destiny...is there one???
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Letter to my daughter
Got this from a mail.....
I received a mail this morning and it was titled as letter to my daughter... and yes I was thinking of my Sangeeta Hope. Yesterday evening had coffee with P and suddenly I said to her.."I will never have my Sangeeta Hope right?" It was just the other day when I was talking to Krshna that I told him that I know I am being very selfish for not thanking Him for all the things I have but I am just focusing on all the things I don't have or can't have....I know I have lots to be thankful for...
Anyway, I received this mail and this would be exactly what I will do if and when I have my Sangeeta Hope...I am still praying that Hope will walk into my life..... ya, now you would know why I need Sangeeta Hope, she is the hope in my life...
To My Daughter
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play..
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms , and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more DAY............
I do not want to do it just for this evening... I want to do it for everyday of her life... I am hoping and I know this is worth hoping for....
I received a mail this morning and it was titled as letter to my daughter... and yes I was thinking of my Sangeeta Hope. Yesterday evening had coffee with P and suddenly I said to her.."I will never have my Sangeeta Hope right?" It was just the other day when I was talking to Krshna that I told him that I know I am being very selfish for not thanking Him for all the things I have but I am just focusing on all the things I don't have or can't have....I know I have lots to be thankful for...
Anyway, I received this mail and this would be exactly what I will do if and when I have my Sangeeta Hope...I am still praying that Hope will walk into my life..... ya, now you would know why I need Sangeeta Hope, she is the hope in my life...
To My Daughter
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play..
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms , and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more DAY............
I do not want to do it just for this evening... I want to do it for everyday of her life... I am hoping and I know this is worth hoping for....
Monday, October 19, 2009
Miserable Friday
I had a tough Friday.....
I was basically crying the whole of Friday, it is Diwali the next day and I am feeling sad as I don't have anyone in my life....it just got overwhelming...the feeling that I am all alone in this world...that's the reason I decided to call my friends over for lunch...at least something to look forward to...something to cook... a reason to wake up and get dressed!!
Affair asked me to go over to his place in NT but I finished work late on Friday and on top of that, I was not in the mood to go anywhere... I called him on my way back and he said he was waiting for me since 5pm...I felt bad, I asked him if he wants me to come now, he said no, it is late... he asked me what is wrong when I told him that I know I am all alone in this world, he asked me to repeat my statement, I told him again the same thing, and for the 3rd time he asked me to say it again...it irritated me and I asked can't you hear what I am saying? He said no, it is not that, he told me to stop talking to him if I keep saying I have no one in this world...it caught me by surprise, he was sweet indeed.... I did tell him that he does not belong to me and vice versa and that is not what I am looking for in him...he said he knows that....he said no one is alone in this world....he was trying to cheer me up.....yes, as what P told me, he was being very sweet...
I was sad.....Kutty did not call me for 3 days and all I was thinking....Krshna, of all the things I told him, this is the only 1 he is following....I am hopeless...I don't deny that for a moment...
I was basically crying the whole of Friday, it is Diwali the next day and I am feeling sad as I don't have anyone in my life....it just got overwhelming...the feeling that I am all alone in this world...that's the reason I decided to call my friends over for lunch...at least something to look forward to...something to cook... a reason to wake up and get dressed!!
Affair asked me to go over to his place in NT but I finished work late on Friday and on top of that, I was not in the mood to go anywhere... I called him on my way back and he said he was waiting for me since 5pm...I felt bad, I asked him if he wants me to come now, he said no, it is late... he asked me what is wrong when I told him that I know I am all alone in this world, he asked me to repeat my statement, I told him again the same thing, and for the 3rd time he asked me to say it again...it irritated me and I asked can't you hear what I am saying? He said no, it is not that, he told me to stop talking to him if I keep saying I have no one in this world...it caught me by surprise, he was sweet indeed.... I did tell him that he does not belong to me and vice versa and that is not what I am looking for in him...he said he knows that....he said no one is alone in this world....he was trying to cheer me up.....yes, as what P told me, he was being very sweet...
I was sad.....Kutty did not call me for 3 days and all I was thinking....Krshna, of all the things I told him, this is the only 1 he is following....I am hopeless...I don't deny that for a moment...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
One by one
I am letting go one by one...
First I started to let go Kutty by deciding to get the divorce...I removed the thalli and minji and my pottu on the forehead.....next I did was to stop calling him, he still calls me everyday but once in a while he goes missing for a couple of days but I still don't call him or eagerly wait for his calls.....
Then I threw away the photo.....discarded the thalli....and last night....I finally told him not to call me everyday anymore as it is difficult for me to handle the whole situation. I know he is happy...happy that his life is perfect....and I am happy for him but at the same time I am not able to handle that as it hurts me as well...am I jealous? no...I am just sad as I don't have anyone in my life and he was the one in my life and that makes me cry.....
I asked P this morning, will our lives be okay? She said yeah, we will cry more than we will laugh but we will be okay.... that's when I told her that I want to do something... I want to look forward to an occassion every month....this month, it is going to be her house warming, am going to tie my orange saree, wear the orange earings n orange bangles ( doc said I would look bright :-), December am looking forward to my trip to Singapore and meeting Mrs Choo....as for November I told P I shall have my fling/affair :-)
I need a reason to wake up every morning and to look forward to something....and this is what I have decided to do to heal myself from this heartache....I donno if this will work or not but I told myself...no harm in trying.....
First I started to let go Kutty by deciding to get the divorce...I removed the thalli and minji and my pottu on the forehead.....next I did was to stop calling him, he still calls me everyday but once in a while he goes missing for a couple of days but I still don't call him or eagerly wait for his calls.....
Then I threw away the photo.....discarded the thalli....and last night....I finally told him not to call me everyday anymore as it is difficult for me to handle the whole situation. I know he is happy...happy that his life is perfect....and I am happy for him but at the same time I am not able to handle that as it hurts me as well...am I jealous? no...I am just sad as I don't have anyone in my life and he was the one in my life and that makes me cry.....
I asked P this morning, will our lives be okay? She said yeah, we will cry more than we will laugh but we will be okay.... that's when I told her that I want to do something... I want to look forward to an occassion every month....this month, it is going to be her house warming, am going to tie my orange saree, wear the orange earings n orange bangles ( doc said I would look bright :-), December am looking forward to my trip to Singapore and meeting Mrs Choo....as for November I told P I shall have my fling/affair :-)
I need a reason to wake up every morning and to look forward to something....and this is what I have decided to do to heal myself from this heartache....I donno if this will work or not but I told myself...no harm in trying.....
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Another Promise
He promised again........
Kutty called and he said he will come and see me one day and that made me cry...P was with me and I told her what happened...why is he telling me this he wants me to wait for him? I was telling her, I used to put my life on hold and wait for him to come to live my life...only now I am living my life for the moment and here he comes promising me again that he will walk into my life....
I know why I cried... I have told myself there is nothing between him and me but I do know that I still do love him... I do not know how to unlove him... am trying to move on and I do think I am making some good steps forward...
The call made me think and I told P, may be, I should just go and do something with someone...that's when she said...you want to have an affair with affair is it? It sounded like a great idea. I know affair and I are okay with each other ..... when I told doc about kutty's promise, he said, don't put too much hope in it and then I told him about what I intend to do, to have my fling, he said go ahead, he said love is an overated emotion and I added to that by saying marriage is also an overrated thing....are we so frustrated that we are saying this or are we so wise that we found the truth??? Makes you wonder right???
Anyway, I donno what I am going to do but if I am going to have an affair with affair....it will do good for me and I am sure I am not going to regret it.......
Kutty called and he said he will come and see me one day and that made me cry...P was with me and I told her what happened...why is he telling me this he wants me to wait for him? I was telling her, I used to put my life on hold and wait for him to come to live my life...only now I am living my life for the moment and here he comes promising me again that he will walk into my life....
I know why I cried... I have told myself there is nothing between him and me but I do know that I still do love him... I do not know how to unlove him... am trying to move on and I do think I am making some good steps forward...
The call made me think and I told P, may be, I should just go and do something with someone...that's when she said...you want to have an affair with affair is it? It sounded like a great idea. I know affair and I are okay with each other ..... when I told doc about kutty's promise, he said, don't put too much hope in it and then I told him about what I intend to do, to have my fling, he said go ahead, he said love is an overated emotion and I added to that by saying marriage is also an overrated thing....are we so frustrated that we are saying this or are we so wise that we found the truth??? Makes you wonder right???
Anyway, I donno what I am going to do but if I am going to have an affair with affair....it will do good for me and I am sure I am not going to regret it.......
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Promises and changes
People change.....
I am not sure why I need to write about this but I know this is something I have been thinking for a long time...Once in class, there was this title Promises...Promises...that was presented by 1 of the groups and I asked my partner ... why do people promise when they can't keep it... he as usual looked at me and said he does not know and he could not justify why people do so...he knew what I was talking about...
Kutty promised so many things to me...as simple as he will call me everyday to as complex as being with me for the rest of my life...but unfortunately...he is not keeping any of his promises..I do think about him..why do I do that? I donno but somehow I know I will never be able to forget about him even if I try hard to do so..he is embedded into me..I don't think I am anywhere in his memory or heart or thoughts...basically I am out of his life... he changed so fast...why am I not able to do this?
I did ask doc too, how come Kutty can change so fast and move on with his life...doc said people just change..but why then doc I am not changing.. I do belong to the category of people as well right? Krshna created me the same as others but why is it I am different? Why am not able to forget every promise...every moment spent together... every whisper...
Am happy and sad at the same moment...happy coz I know Kutty is happy...his family is coming soon and he is busy preparing to welcome them...yesterday was his daughter's birthday and when he called me in the morning, I reminded him about that...sad coz I know I am not welcoming anyone into my life...and I know I don't have anyone to welcome into my life as well..
This morning as I was driving to work, I was seriously thinking, may be I should just have a relationship with someone, no promises to be together for the rest of our lives...just at this moment be together... I really need an arm around me...is this wrong to ask??
I might just be making an indecent proposal soon and I know to whom I am going to propose to as well...Krshna if this is wrong and I am going to hurt myself, pls forgive me and pls be there to help me to cope with whatever pain I am bound to incur....
I am not sure why I need to write about this but I know this is something I have been thinking for a long time...Once in class, there was this title Promises...Promises...that was presented by 1 of the groups and I asked my partner ... why do people promise when they can't keep it... he as usual looked at me and said he does not know and he could not justify why people do so...he knew what I was talking about...
Kutty promised so many things to me...as simple as he will call me everyday to as complex as being with me for the rest of my life...but unfortunately...he is not keeping any of his promises..I do think about him..why do I do that? I donno but somehow I know I will never be able to forget about him even if I try hard to do so..he is embedded into me..I don't think I am anywhere in his memory or heart or thoughts...basically I am out of his life... he changed so fast...why am I not able to do this?
I did ask doc too, how come Kutty can change so fast and move on with his life...doc said people just change..but why then doc I am not changing.. I do belong to the category of people as well right? Krshna created me the same as others but why is it I am different? Why am not able to forget every promise...every moment spent together... every whisper...
Am happy and sad at the same moment...happy coz I know Kutty is happy...his family is coming soon and he is busy preparing to welcome them...yesterday was his daughter's birthday and when he called me in the morning, I reminded him about that...sad coz I know I am not welcoming anyone into my life...and I know I don't have anyone to welcome into my life as well..
This morning as I was driving to work, I was seriously thinking, may be I should just have a relationship with someone, no promises to be together for the rest of our lives...just at this moment be together... I really need an arm around me...is this wrong to ask??
I might just be making an indecent proposal soon and I know to whom I am going to propose to as well...Krshna if this is wrong and I am going to hurt myself, pls forgive me and pls be there to help me to cope with whatever pain I am bound to incur....
Thursday, October 8, 2009
40yr old spoilt brat
My doc is a spoilt brat.......
Doc does not even wash his own plate nor does he help his mom and dad at home...I told doc, thank god he did not have me in his house, else I would have spanked him for being so so so lazy...he said that is his privilege of being an only child and I countered that by saying that he is just a spoilt brat :-)
I told doc it is about time he helps his dad to put up the curtains, do the muruku and lift a finger at home when he said he has soft and nice hands and ontop of that he said that his dad is stronger than him......aiyoooooooo........doc.......sigh :-)
Yesterday over the chat, I asked doc if he will loan his appa to me for a short while as I really miss my appa...I know no one can replace my appa ..... but I think I just want a fatherly figure telling me and patting my head saying I belong to him.... this sense of wanting to belong to someone is much stronger during festival times.....I really do miss having my appa.....
Doc is bad....he refused to loan his appa to me...doc...can I have your appa just for an hour??
Doc does not even wash his own plate nor does he help his mom and dad at home...I told doc, thank god he did not have me in his house, else I would have spanked him for being so so so lazy...he said that is his privilege of being an only child and I countered that by saying that he is just a spoilt brat :-)
I told doc it is about time he helps his dad to put up the curtains, do the muruku and lift a finger at home when he said he has soft and nice hands and ontop of that he said that his dad is stronger than him......aiyoooooooo........doc.......sigh :-)
Yesterday over the chat, I asked doc if he will loan his appa to me for a short while as I really miss my appa...I know no one can replace my appa ..... but I think I just want a fatherly figure telling me and patting my head saying I belong to him.... this sense of wanting to belong to someone is much stronger during festival times.....I really do miss having my appa.....
Doc is bad....he refused to loan his appa to me...doc...can I have your appa just for an hour??
My storybook ending
I have a perfect story book ending....
Yesterday during dinner P said if email guy would have asked her to marry him, she might have answered yes.....unfortunately email guy has been missing for the past 6 months..... that's when I told her my theory...... perhaps email guy is giving himself a 6 month period to wait and see and decide if he still needs her in his life and if the answer is yes, then he will come to her... I told her that he is going to come and tell her that the last 6 months were the worst 6 months in his entire life as he was not able to talk to her, see her, be with her, and not tell her why he did that and etc....then he will go to his knees and ask her to marry him.....and eventhough she would be so angry with him for disappearing for 6 months.....love takes over and she will just fall into his arms and accepts him and they will live happily forever........
She looked up at me and she said "ya....this is only going to happen in a story book..." of course I tambah sikit here and there la.....but seriously...how nice if this is real..email guy comes and proposes and they do live happily ever after......I can pray ......I can hope......I can wish.......but end of the day.....it is still in God's hands......
I told P, this is the romantic fool in me that came up with the ending....Krshna, will I ever grow up and face reality???
Yesterday during dinner P said if email guy would have asked her to marry him, she might have answered yes.....unfortunately email guy has been missing for the past 6 months..... that's when I told her my theory...... perhaps email guy is giving himself a 6 month period to wait and see and decide if he still needs her in his life and if the answer is yes, then he will come to her... I told her that he is going to come and tell her that the last 6 months were the worst 6 months in his entire life as he was not able to talk to her, see her, be with her, and not tell her why he did that and etc....then he will go to his knees and ask her to marry him.....and eventhough she would be so angry with him for disappearing for 6 months.....love takes over and she will just fall into his arms and accepts him and they will live happily forever........
She looked up at me and she said "ya....this is only going to happen in a story book..." of course I tambah sikit here and there la.....but seriously...how nice if this is real..email guy comes and proposes and they do live happily ever after......I can pray ......I can hope......I can wish.......but end of the day.....it is still in God's hands......
I told P, this is the romantic fool in me that came up with the ending....Krshna, will I ever grow up and face reality???
Far from the maddening crowd
I hated being in Market St last nite.......
I had to do Diwali shopping last nite as I am going to make muruku and etc on Saturday. I do think this is the first year that I went to Market St so close to Diwali and the place was like a zoo...it was so crowded and the shops were blaring their speakers so loud.....
I did find a cute Punjabi Suit for anney's lil girl...am being a good athai :-) I even bought for her bangles...lots of them...and I bought for myself an orange coloured set of bangles too...to match with my orange saree...now I have matching earings, bangles...only thing missing is necklace....
Anyway, it was a relief to be away from the maddening crowd last nite....
When I reached home, I cried, I don't know how many more Diwalis, birthdays, Ponggals, festivities I am going to spend on my own......at least last year, I still had Kutty belonging to me.....but now......no one in my life.........
I know whatever it is going to be......this is something I have to face as well..........
I had to do Diwali shopping last nite as I am going to make muruku and etc on Saturday. I do think this is the first year that I went to Market St so close to Diwali and the place was like a zoo...it was so crowded and the shops were blaring their speakers so loud.....
I did find a cute Punjabi Suit for anney's lil girl...am being a good athai :-) I even bought for her bangles...lots of them...and I bought for myself an orange coloured set of bangles too...to match with my orange saree...now I have matching earings, bangles...only thing missing is necklace....
Anyway, it was a relief to be away from the maddening crowd last nite....
When I reached home, I cried, I don't know how many more Diwalis, birthdays, Ponggals, festivities I am going to spend on my own......at least last year, I still had Kutty belonging to me.....but now......no one in my life.........
I know whatever it is going to be......this is something I have to face as well..........
Ripples and Storms
Guys who create them in our lives......
P has been telling about her crush causing ripples in her life everytime he calls or sends her a message and etc.... I told her ya, I have my partner causing a storm in my life at this moment!!
We were thinking about all those guys who either created ripples or storms in our lives and we thought about us creating ripples in others life that we would have not known.... life is a circle I guess.....
I do believe that all the ripples and storms in life that is making my life colourful and worthwhile living...
P has been telling about her crush causing ripples in her life everytime he calls or sends her a message and etc.... I told her ya, I have my partner causing a storm in my life at this moment!!
We were thinking about all those guys who either created ripples or storms in our lives and we thought about us creating ripples in others life that we would have not known.... life is a circle I guess.....
I do believe that all the ripples and storms in life that is making my life colourful and worthwhile living...
A J
The first guy who proposed marriage to me....
I got to know AJ when he was in Scotland...it was 1995.....I was planning to go to Glasgow to do my masters and when I surfed for info, I came across Uni of Strathclyde... I mailed their student support and received an email from AJ...and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
AJ was a sweet Delhi-walla who was doing his Masters in International Business, he was single and he was nice...we wrote emails initially till he went back to Delhi and our emails became snail mails and we write...both of us...and when I mean by writing, I am talking about receiving aletter 8 or 10 pages long and I will match the length as well...
We really got to know each other well during those years of writing...we have never spoken on the phone... 1 day, AJ's work took him to Jakarta and from Jakarta he flew to Bangkok and later back home. It was in Bangkok airport that he called me...I was just entering my house when the phone rang and I guess I was shocked to know it was him...we spoke for a while...I was quiet...yeap...that was seriously not me!! He told me that when flying from Jakarta to Bangkok, he knew he was passing Penang and he was wishing that the plane would just stopover in Penang...he was sweet...
He went back to Delhi and the next thing I knew, I recieved an express mail...he was asking for my jathagam...he had told his family his intention to marry me...he calls me his international bride...it was 1997..I just lost my appa...and I could not bring myself to leave my family to be with him...I was young..scared of the unknown...new language, new people...and I said no...
End of 1997, I went to South India and the moment I set foot in Chennai, I called him...I will tell him where I will be staying and will give my hotel details and I know in the evening he will call me and we will talk for hours...whenever possible, I will call him...I got very familiar with STDs in South India..I will look for them whereever we went...from Ooty to Mysore to Tanjavoor... he kept telling me to come to Delhi...just take a flight and come and meet my family...that is what he told me....
In Feb 1998, he got married to a girl of his family's choice...nope...it did not break my heart...I love AJ but at the same time I knew I won't fit into his environment....
I did meet him...in 1999...the moment I saw him...I received a big hug....I know how much we loved each other.... his wife was not with him at that time, she was back in her mom's house...it was good to have met him...eventhough we did not say anything to each other but we knew we had something special...his mom was scared that we would do something...so she will always send a chaperone :-)
Anyway, lots of things happened in our lives.... till today we are good friends.....I know if he is okay or not by just looking at the hello in his mails....he will always send me an email the moment I think about him and somehow I know something is not right with him in my heart....
A couple of months back.....he made me cry.... he said he knew how we felt for each other but alas it was not meant to be.....I know that too......if he asked me now if I will marry him.....the answer will be......yes, without a single doubt in my heart and mind........
I got to know AJ when he was in Scotland...it was 1995.....I was planning to go to Glasgow to do my masters and when I surfed for info, I came across Uni of Strathclyde... I mailed their student support and received an email from AJ...and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
AJ was a sweet Delhi-walla who was doing his Masters in International Business, he was single and he was nice...we wrote emails initially till he went back to Delhi and our emails became snail mails and we write...both of us...and when I mean by writing, I am talking about receiving aletter 8 or 10 pages long and I will match the length as well...
We really got to know each other well during those years of writing...we have never spoken on the phone... 1 day, AJ's work took him to Jakarta and from Jakarta he flew to Bangkok and later back home. It was in Bangkok airport that he called me...I was just entering my house when the phone rang and I guess I was shocked to know it was him...we spoke for a while...I was quiet...yeap...that was seriously not me!! He told me that when flying from Jakarta to Bangkok, he knew he was passing Penang and he was wishing that the plane would just stopover in Penang...he was sweet...
He went back to Delhi and the next thing I knew, I recieved an express mail...he was asking for my jathagam...he had told his family his intention to marry me...he calls me his international bride...it was 1997..I just lost my appa...and I could not bring myself to leave my family to be with him...I was young..scared of the unknown...new language, new people...and I said no...
End of 1997, I went to South India and the moment I set foot in Chennai, I called him...I will tell him where I will be staying and will give my hotel details and I know in the evening he will call me and we will talk for hours...whenever possible, I will call him...I got very familiar with STDs in South India..I will look for them whereever we went...from Ooty to Mysore to Tanjavoor... he kept telling me to come to Delhi...just take a flight and come and meet my family...that is what he told me....
In Feb 1998, he got married to a girl of his family's choice...nope...it did not break my heart...I love AJ but at the same time I knew I won't fit into his environment....
I did meet him...in 1999...the moment I saw him...I received a big hug....I know how much we loved each other.... his wife was not with him at that time, she was back in her mom's house...it was good to have met him...eventhough we did not say anything to each other but we knew we had something special...his mom was scared that we would do something...so she will always send a chaperone :-)
Anyway, lots of things happened in our lives.... till today we are good friends.....I know if he is okay or not by just looking at the hello in his mails....he will always send me an email the moment I think about him and somehow I know something is not right with him in my heart....
A couple of months back.....he made me cry.... he said he knew how we felt for each other but alas it was not meant to be.....I know that too......if he asked me now if I will marry him.....the answer will be......yes, without a single doubt in my heart and mind........
Monday, October 5, 2009
I am a grandmother..
I am a proud grandma of 3 puppies...
Juliet delivered 3 puppies on Monday and they are cute....nope, Romeo is not the appa.... 2 of her puppies are black and 1 just like her and they are all so cute...
We are all excited about them...they are growing up so fast...saw them today and they are crawling..yet to open their eyes and they r active...Romeo is kept at an arms length...but he is surely curious about them...
I have not named them yet...I thought Ophelia, Azelea and Hamlet....the problem is I donno if the puppies are male or female...
A grandmother at 38....not bad ya....:-)
Juliet delivered 3 puppies on Monday and they are cute....nope, Romeo is not the appa.... 2 of her puppies are black and 1 just like her and they are all so cute...
We are all excited about them...they are growing up so fast...saw them today and they are crawling..yet to open their eyes and they r active...Romeo is kept at an arms length...but he is surely curious about them...
I have not named them yet...I thought Ophelia, Azelea and Hamlet....the problem is I donno if the puppies are male or female...
A grandmother at 38....not bad ya....:-)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Loosing faith
I knew I lost something last Monday....
7 days ago I did something...no regrets but I was just sad....very sad....I sold off my thalli....I knew I had to do it and I just did it, it was not easy, I was not strong but I knew it has to be done..when the person, B, asked if I am okay, I looked at him and said that I am doing this, do you think I am okay... I guess the guy knew me since I was a baby girl...I remember going to Market St and my parents will leave me at the shop and I will be sleeping on their bed...that's how close my family was/still is with these people... B told me that life has its ups and downs and I will be okay...when I handed the chain to him, a couple of tears dropped..
P was with me and I know she was talking to me trying to make me feel better...but I felt a total emptiness in me...I could feel something missing...a void...it was so physical as well...I could actually feel it in my heart...never did I experience this kind of feelings before...was I thinking of Kutty? nope, it was not about him....I know what it was all about....it was about loosing faith...it was about loosing what I believed in....I know I was going through all these earlier but it was the last identity of marriage that I discarded away and yes I felt the lost.....
A couple of weeks earlier, I cleaned my room and I threw away a photo of Kutty and I that I have had since the day I met him and it was always on my bed....when I was doing that, I cried a bit but it was not as big an impact as parting with my thalli...funny isn't it...I have already said my good-bye to Kutty but when it was time to separate myself and the thalli, it was still hurtful...
I told my doc, he said I will be fine...he said 'this is why I asked you if you are ready"....he knew I am not strong yet to do this but doc, no matter when I do this, i will still be hurt...P told me that we will have to look forward and hope for a better beginning.....Ms L told me it is okay....I will be fine.......my partner said good...you have finally taken the final step...he was happy for me.....
I did not feel like writing this much earlier....but today.....am okay......no tears as I am writing this....I donno what is happening with my life today or what is going to happen tomorrow... am I confused? am I denying the truth? am I not me?... answers to these are coming...slowly but surely coz I know I am in good hands...my angels and my Krshna
7 days ago I did something...no regrets but I was just sad....very sad....I sold off my thalli....I knew I had to do it and I just did it, it was not easy, I was not strong but I knew it has to be done..when the person, B, asked if I am okay, I looked at him and said that I am doing this, do you think I am okay... I guess the guy knew me since I was a baby girl...I remember going to Market St and my parents will leave me at the shop and I will be sleeping on their bed...that's how close my family was/still is with these people... B told me that life has its ups and downs and I will be okay...when I handed the chain to him, a couple of tears dropped..
P was with me and I know she was talking to me trying to make me feel better...but I felt a total emptiness in me...I could feel something missing...a void...it was so physical as well...I could actually feel it in my heart...never did I experience this kind of feelings before...was I thinking of Kutty? nope, it was not about him....I know what it was all about....it was about loosing faith...it was about loosing what I believed in....I know I was going through all these earlier but it was the last identity of marriage that I discarded away and yes I felt the lost.....
A couple of weeks earlier, I cleaned my room and I threw away a photo of Kutty and I that I have had since the day I met him and it was always on my bed....when I was doing that, I cried a bit but it was not as big an impact as parting with my thalli...funny isn't it...I have already said my good-bye to Kutty but when it was time to separate myself and the thalli, it was still hurtful...
I told my doc, he said I will be fine...he said 'this is why I asked you if you are ready"....he knew I am not strong yet to do this but doc, no matter when I do this, i will still be hurt...P told me that we will have to look forward and hope for a better beginning.....Ms L told me it is okay....I will be fine.......my partner said good...you have finally taken the final step...he was happy for me.....
I did not feel like writing this much earlier....but today.....am okay......no tears as I am writing this....I donno what is happening with my life today or what is going to happen tomorrow... am I confused? am I denying the truth? am I not me?... answers to these are coming...slowly but surely coz I know I am in good hands...my angels and my Krshna
Classified
I met a guy on chat whom I am calling classified....
Someone popped up on Friday nite and we were chatting, he is Malaysian and he was decent...what was cute about this guy is that when I asked if he has a name to address him, he said it is classified and within half an hour he told me his name without me asking for it :-)
Then he was going on and on that he does not want to tell me what he is doing coz ppl will be judgmental and all that nonsense and the 2nd time we chated, he told me his profession...I seriously burst out laughing at him. Till now he has not asked what I do nor did I tell him what I am doing.
My classified is cute, he wants to keep most info about himself private but somehow he blurts them out.....now I know what he does, how many rooms he has in his condo, what floor he is on and the fact that he has a half garden in his cond0 (what that means I have no idea), he drives a BMW 5 series and his best friend is his brother in law...... all these info within 2 chats :-)
For this guy who is so classified is now officially unclassified........an open case :-)
Someone popped up on Friday nite and we were chatting, he is Malaysian and he was decent...what was cute about this guy is that when I asked if he has a name to address him, he said it is classified and within half an hour he told me his name without me asking for it :-)
Then he was going on and on that he does not want to tell me what he is doing coz ppl will be judgmental and all that nonsense and the 2nd time we chated, he told me his profession...I seriously burst out laughing at him. Till now he has not asked what I do nor did I tell him what I am doing.
My classified is cute, he wants to keep most info about himself private but somehow he blurts them out.....now I know what he does, how many rooms he has in his condo, what floor he is on and the fact that he has a half garden in his cond0 (what that means I have no idea), he drives a BMW 5 series and his best friend is his brother in law...... all these info within 2 chats :-)
For this guy who is so classified is now officially unclassified........an open case :-)
Poem
I like this poem.....
Stop all the clocks
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West
my working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put away every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods
for nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
I like the part where it says: he was my north, my south, my east and west...my working week and my sunday rest.... how nice to have someone who is the air you breath and the reason for your living.......
Stop all the clocks
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West
my working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put away every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods
for nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
I like the part where it says: he was my north, my south, my east and west...my working week and my sunday rest.... how nice to have someone who is the air you breath and the reason for your living.......
Taking ownership
My partner asked me to take ownership of him....
Went to class on Saturday and it was good...statistics...something I could actually understand. During break, 1 of my coursemate wanted to go to BJC to buy AMOS and asked me to follow him. I took my handbag and I told my partner that I am going and he nodded.
My coursemate and I went all over BJC but we could not get the CD and we came back. My coursemate's wife was sitting with my partner and when I came in she moved away. That's when I told her it is okay, I don't claim ownership over him....my partner looked up at me and in a serious tone asked..."don't you want to take ownership of me?"
I was taken aback...did not know how to respond to him...I got scared...I know I like him and I used to say so much about him to P...I like the way he opens the door for me, carry my bag, decides for me, plans my finances for me.....bottomline, I just like him...I know why I am scared...I do want to belong to someone and here's someone suggesting to me (I donno if he meant it jokingly though) that he wants to belong to me....
Life.....
Went to class on Saturday and it was good...statistics...something I could actually understand. During break, 1 of my coursemate wanted to go to BJC to buy AMOS and asked me to follow him. I took my handbag and I told my partner that I am going and he nodded.
My coursemate and I went all over BJC but we could not get the CD and we came back. My coursemate's wife was sitting with my partner and when I came in she moved away. That's when I told her it is okay, I don't claim ownership over him....my partner looked up at me and in a serious tone asked..."don't you want to take ownership of me?"
I was taken aback...did not know how to respond to him...I got scared...I know I like him and I used to say so much about him to P...I like the way he opens the door for me, carry my bag, decides for me, plans my finances for me.....bottomline, I just like him...I know why I am scared...I do want to belong to someone and here's someone suggesting to me (I donno if he meant it jokingly though) that he wants to belong to me....
Life.....
Monday, September 28, 2009
Trip back home
Thursday came too soon...
I was having a good time in KL...actually I do think this is the first time I went out so much when I was in KL. On Wednesday morning, I walked in Bukit Jalil park with my nephew, N, and we both enjoyed the walk and talk..you learn alot from a teenager....
Thursday, abang decided we make our trip back to Penang at 3pm and we were to meet in KL Sentral...we were both there on time and it was just the 2 of us on our way back..I had more bags on my way back...
I do think I talked alot, from the moment I got into the car I was talking till we arrived in Penang at about 7.30pm. We made 1 stop at Burger King and I had my burger, it was good...we were sitting on top of the highway, it was cool looking at the cars going below and as usual I was so happy to explore something new.....
I told my abang that I am going to write about this in my blog when he asked if I write names...I said no...everyone's identity is kept anonymous... mine including....
We had a good conversation, we talked about so many things.....at 1 point he wanted to get coffee but we missed the exit as we were busy talking and when I pointed out the following exit, he said my conversations is keeping him awake :-) a true anney speaking....
He was amazed with my point of view on religion and faith and spiritualism....then my anney came to conclusion why I don't belong to any of the Indian groups in college...and he said I am better off with him or L or S of which I agree whole heartedly....
My anney's driving was good....he drove well and I told him so too...I am starting to think he drives like a nut when in city but on a highway he is more careful..the trip home was good..the sky was clear...traffic was good and we reached Penang in 4 hours...
I was having a good time in KL...actually I do think this is the first time I went out so much when I was in KL. On Wednesday morning, I walked in Bukit Jalil park with my nephew, N, and we both enjoyed the walk and talk..you learn alot from a teenager....
Thursday, abang decided we make our trip back to Penang at 3pm and we were to meet in KL Sentral...we were both there on time and it was just the 2 of us on our way back..I had more bags on my way back...
I do think I talked alot, from the moment I got into the car I was talking till we arrived in Penang at about 7.30pm. We made 1 stop at Burger King and I had my burger, it was good...we were sitting on top of the highway, it was cool looking at the cars going below and as usual I was so happy to explore something new.....
I told my abang that I am going to write about this in my blog when he asked if I write names...I said no...everyone's identity is kept anonymous... mine including....
We had a good conversation, we talked about so many things.....at 1 point he wanted to get coffee but we missed the exit as we were busy talking and when I pointed out the following exit, he said my conversations is keeping him awake :-) a true anney speaking....
He was amazed with my point of view on religion and faith and spiritualism....then my anney came to conclusion why I don't belong to any of the Indian groups in college...and he said I am better off with him or L or S of which I agree whole heartedly....
My anney's driving was good....he drove well and I told him so too...I am starting to think he drives like a nut when in city but on a highway he is more careful..the trip home was good..the sky was clear...traffic was good and we reached Penang in 4 hours...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Manju
I met Manju on Wednesday.....
Manju, my ex-colleague, a good friend.....who understands what I am going through as she went through the same thing as well......
The moment I saw her, I knew something is happening in her life as well......yeap...she is happy.....smiling from her heart.....she put on a bit of weight and she looks great....
We went for Old Town Cafe and we just had coffee and we were chatting for hours, catching up with stories, laughing, crying, rejoicing life... I told Manju " kalyana panni enna sadicthum, kalyana pannema enna sadikele?" I think I should phrase this in English which loosely means .."what did we achieve being married..and what are we not acheiving being single?" for that Manju agreed "well said Jay"... and we toasted for that...
When she dropped me back, we made a promise to be happy with our lives and watever happened in the past should be kept in the past and that we are moving forward now.....a promise I do not intend to break....
Manju, my ex-colleague, a good friend.....who understands what I am going through as she went through the same thing as well......
The moment I saw her, I knew something is happening in her life as well......yeap...she is happy.....smiling from her heart.....she put on a bit of weight and she looks great....
We went for Old Town Cafe and we just had coffee and we were chatting for hours, catching up with stories, laughing, crying, rejoicing life... I told Manju " kalyana panni enna sadicthum, kalyana pannema enna sadikele?" I think I should phrase this in English which loosely means .."what did we achieve being married..and what are we not acheiving being single?" for that Manju agreed "well said Jay"... and we toasted for that...
When she dropped me back, we made a promise to be happy with our lives and watever happened in the past should be kept in the past and that we are moving forward now.....a promise I do not intend to break....
Orange saree
Got myself an orange saree....
I had no intention to buy anything for this Diwali but ended up buying 1 orange saree, 1 salwar kameez and 2 tops and they r all of mixed colours...the salwar is off-white, 1 top is sea blue and the other is navy blue....I am going to have a colourful wardrobe.. :-)
Love the saree shop, they have a wide range of sarees and I trully like the saree collection there compared to the ones in Penang...
I made fruit cake and sheppard pie on Tuesday as we were receiving guests.. I did tell akka that it feels like her house is the one celebrating raya as we had a number of people visiting her..
I can't wait to tie my orange saree...oh ya, I made a sexy bouse as well... let me see if I can take a snap of my back and put it up here....
I had no intention to buy anything for this Diwali but ended up buying 1 orange saree, 1 salwar kameez and 2 tops and they r all of mixed colours...the salwar is off-white, 1 top is sea blue and the other is navy blue....I am going to have a colourful wardrobe.. :-)
Love the saree shop, they have a wide range of sarees and I trully like the saree collection there compared to the ones in Penang...
I made fruit cake and sheppard pie on Tuesday as we were receiving guests.. I did tell akka that it feels like her house is the one celebrating raya as we had a number of people visiting her..
I can't wait to tie my orange saree...oh ya, I made a sexy bouse as well... let me see if I can take a snap of my back and put it up here....
Raya with the MACBs
I met Mr n Mrs B for Raya....
It was so nice to meet both these people...after seeing my doc, I took the train again and after 3 stops, I was in Kelana Jaya and when I was coming down the train, I saw Mr B waiting for me and he had the biggest smile on his face and it really brightened up my day...my day had started very well ... meeting my doc...and now meeting Mr n Mrs B.
Off we went to their house and Mrs B was talking non-stop...oh ya...the moment I entered the car, I received a gift... a teddy bear from Austria....he has a knitted top with I love Austria printed on it.....cute.......
Mr B took me on a grand tour of the whole taman, the security guards know him...I had the front, back and side view of his house...my boss :-)
Well the house is lovely, very quiet as there were no one else...we just sat and talked...Mr B said that now he sees me smiling from my heart and he said he is happy to see me now...it is like my appa telling me that he is happy to see me smilling... thank god I did not cry but getting Mr B's nod meant alot to me.
Mrs B asked why I did not come earlier and I told her I met a friend and she caught on to that and she started asking about my doc. I kept telling her tat my doc is a good friend, and she was going on and on about why not marry him if he is a good guy, where is he staying, what is he doing and all that kind of questions a mother would ask... I was trying to answer her as much as possible and kept telling her that there is nothing going on or is going to happen till I could not take it and looked for Mr B to save me...he just shook his head and said he could do nothing as when his wife gets into that mode, noone can be saved!! He apologised on her behalf.....she was adorable...
Both the Macb's were fasting and about 2.30ish, I got hungry and asked her to feed me...Mr B made a hug cup of tea, Mrs B cut some fruits and we just adjourned to the dining and we were chatting there.. it was really nice being with both of them...
After their Asar prayers, Mr B said I should make a move as he does not want me to go home late as I will be taking the trains. Both of them came to the train station and just before I got down, Mrs B asked for my doc's name....I asked why? she said she wanted to put him in her prayers so that I will end up marrying him :-) I told Mrs B that it is very sweet of her to do so but told her no, she can't have doc's name but instead I told her, just pray that I meet someone nice and right and that would be good enough...
I was smilling and carrying the teddy bear and I did get looks when I was waiting for the train... I reached home and akka like the bear as well. Later in the evening I noticed the bear had a flower on his shirt and it was an edelweiss and that's when I decided to name my bear Edelweiss... I messaged Mr B and he was happy with the name..... he said I was a surprise but a pleasant surprise...
My Monday was spent with 3 wonderful people, my doc and the Macbs....people who mean alot in my life, people who are very supportive and people whom I will treasure till my memory would loose me....
It was so nice to meet both these people...after seeing my doc, I took the train again and after 3 stops, I was in Kelana Jaya and when I was coming down the train, I saw Mr B waiting for me and he had the biggest smile on his face and it really brightened up my day...my day had started very well ... meeting my doc...and now meeting Mr n Mrs B.
Off we went to their house and Mrs B was talking non-stop...oh ya...the moment I entered the car, I received a gift... a teddy bear from Austria....he has a knitted top with I love Austria printed on it.....cute.......
Mr B took me on a grand tour of the whole taman, the security guards know him...I had the front, back and side view of his house...my boss :-)
Well the house is lovely, very quiet as there were no one else...we just sat and talked...Mr B said that now he sees me smiling from my heart and he said he is happy to see me now...it is like my appa telling me that he is happy to see me smilling... thank god I did not cry but getting Mr B's nod meant alot to me.
Mrs B asked why I did not come earlier and I told her I met a friend and she caught on to that and she started asking about my doc. I kept telling her tat my doc is a good friend, and she was going on and on about why not marry him if he is a good guy, where is he staying, what is he doing and all that kind of questions a mother would ask... I was trying to answer her as much as possible and kept telling her that there is nothing going on or is going to happen till I could not take it and looked for Mr B to save me...he just shook his head and said he could do nothing as when his wife gets into that mode, noone can be saved!! He apologised on her behalf.....she was adorable...
Both the Macb's were fasting and about 2.30ish, I got hungry and asked her to feed me...Mr B made a hug cup of tea, Mrs B cut some fruits and we just adjourned to the dining and we were chatting there.. it was really nice being with both of them...
After their Asar prayers, Mr B said I should make a move as he does not want me to go home late as I will be taking the trains. Both of them came to the train station and just before I got down, Mrs B asked for my doc's name....I asked why? she said she wanted to put him in her prayers so that I will end up marrying him :-) I told Mrs B that it is very sweet of her to do so but told her no, she can't have doc's name but instead I told her, just pray that I meet someone nice and right and that would be good enough...
I was smilling and carrying the teddy bear and I did get looks when I was waiting for the train... I reached home and akka like the bear as well. Later in the evening I noticed the bear had a flower on his shirt and it was an edelweiss and that's when I decided to name my bear Edelweiss... I messaged Mr B and he was happy with the name..... he said I was a surprise but a pleasant surprise...
My Monday was spent with 3 wonderful people, my doc and the Macbs....people who mean alot in my life, people who are very supportive and people whom I will treasure till my memory would loose me....
Monday morning
I woke up early on Monday morning........
I am meeting my doc... and yes, I am excited...I told doc I could come to Taman Jaya station, now to get there, I have to take 2 trains, first the Star LRT from Sri Petaling and change at Masjid Jamek and take the Putra LRT. Sounds easy right? nope, not with my family....mama was telling me to be very careful, asked me to walk nearer to people, my nephew was worse still, he wanted to send me to where doc was suppose to pick me up...
I told my nephew, the moment I am in the car with my friend I will call him and I did that the moment I went into doc's car... ohh I loved the train rides...doc made me guilty as he mesagged me saying he was already waiting when the train just started moving at Sri Petaling...
Doc was waiting for me at the station and the first thing he did was to give me a hug...I did not feel ackward...but I do wish the hug was longer. We went to starbucks and I had my mocha latte whislt doc had his chocolate drink. We just chatted... I was telling doc about abang's wife and about the fear of leaving your family and coming to another country and all that stuff when doc told about how young his mom was when she married his dad and came to Malaysia...to a country where she does not know anyone nor the language...she was so young...that made me think hard about sacrifices people make...about their courage...about their strength...battles of each and everyone of us is so different but end of the day everyone of us have to face the unknown...
I had a very pleasant time with my doc...I thought of giving him a kiss on his cheeks when I got down the car but somehow I did not do that..why or what stopped me, I have no idea about it...I like my doc and I do love my doc and I do not want to spoil the way we are now...friends...priceless...
Doc....sorry for keeping you waiting the other day but thanks for asking me to come....been a while since anyone asked me to come.....
I am meeting my doc... and yes, I am excited...I told doc I could come to Taman Jaya station, now to get there, I have to take 2 trains, first the Star LRT from Sri Petaling and change at Masjid Jamek and take the Putra LRT. Sounds easy right? nope, not with my family....mama was telling me to be very careful, asked me to walk nearer to people, my nephew was worse still, he wanted to send me to where doc was suppose to pick me up...
I told my nephew, the moment I am in the car with my friend I will call him and I did that the moment I went into doc's car... ohh I loved the train rides...doc made me guilty as he mesagged me saying he was already waiting when the train just started moving at Sri Petaling...
Doc was waiting for me at the station and the first thing he did was to give me a hug...I did not feel ackward...but I do wish the hug was longer. We went to starbucks and I had my mocha latte whislt doc had his chocolate drink. We just chatted... I was telling doc about abang's wife and about the fear of leaving your family and coming to another country and all that stuff when doc told about how young his mom was when she married his dad and came to Malaysia...to a country where she does not know anyone nor the language...she was so young...that made me think hard about sacrifices people make...about their courage...about their strength...battles of each and everyone of us is so different but end of the day everyone of us have to face the unknown...
I had a very pleasant time with my doc...I thought of giving him a kiss on his cheeks when I got down the car but somehow I did not do that..why or what stopped me, I have no idea about it...I like my doc and I do love my doc and I do not want to spoil the way we are now...friends...priceless...
Doc....sorry for keeping you waiting the other day but thanks for asking me to come....been a while since anyone asked me to come.....
My trip
Went to KL for the Raya holidays...
Saturday morning was hectic...P picked me up and off we went to her apartment to meet the guys who were going to do her bathroom ceiling...done with them, we went off to Lunas. On the way there, abang's wife called saying he is napping...so stopover at P's mom's place and had lovely coffee and thosai...
P dropped me off at abang's place and from there, we had to detour to Jawi as we had to meet abang's brother who will also be driving to KL. Over at their house, someone asked if Syafana (abang's princess) is getting a baju kurung when her mom answered no...Syafana is going to be in pavadai chattai...she said she is still Indian and somehow I could understand her well..
The trip was good, I was enjoying the view....finally someone else was driving and I was sitting at the back and playing with Syafana as well.. Somewhere near Tapah, abang asked me to take over, he wanted to sleep....
The moment I took over, abang slept off and it was just his wife and I were talking and that's when I really got to know her better... it was a very pleasant trip, I enjoyed the company and I enjoyed the trip...
The following days....now that is something to write about too :-)
Saturday morning was hectic...P picked me up and off we went to her apartment to meet the guys who were going to do her bathroom ceiling...done with them, we went off to Lunas. On the way there, abang's wife called saying he is napping...so stopover at P's mom's place and had lovely coffee and thosai...
P dropped me off at abang's place and from there, we had to detour to Jawi as we had to meet abang's brother who will also be driving to KL. Over at their house, someone asked if Syafana (abang's princess) is getting a baju kurung when her mom answered no...Syafana is going to be in pavadai chattai...she said she is still Indian and somehow I could understand her well..
The trip was good, I was enjoying the view....finally someone else was driving and I was sitting at the back and playing with Syafana as well.. Somewhere near Tapah, abang asked me to take over, he wanted to sleep....
The moment I took over, abang slept off and it was just his wife and I were talking and that's when I really got to know her better... it was a very pleasant trip, I enjoyed the company and I enjoyed the trip...
The following days....now that is something to write about too :-)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Waiting
I am waiting.....
This is a good wait... :-). Yesterday as I was chatting with doc, we were talking about all kinds of nonsense and doc playfully said why not I make a trip to KL and I was actually thinking about it and then I told doc, yeah, why not? I was going to look for a bus ticket and went straight to my abang and told him that I might miss Friday's scrabble....
Abang is also going to KL and he offered me a lift...yeap....I am going to KL on Saturday morning and I am meeting my doc on Monday morning and I am all excited meeting doc again....I did ask doc to give me a hug and he said yes :-) and I am seriously looking forward to a hug...I have been asking for hugs and am getting all the virtual hugs from doc for a while now and it is about time I get a real hug...
At this moment, I am happy.... I am actually looking forward to meeting doc as well as my sister and her family. My sis when I called to ask if I can come over, her first words...pls come...we shall cook and eat :-) I have no idea what is wrong with her but I guess she must be bored eating what she cooks....
I am waiting for Saturday now...... I do hope doc is not going to get cold feet :-)
See you soon doc........
This is a good wait... :-). Yesterday as I was chatting with doc, we were talking about all kinds of nonsense and doc playfully said why not I make a trip to KL and I was actually thinking about it and then I told doc, yeah, why not? I was going to look for a bus ticket and went straight to my abang and told him that I might miss Friday's scrabble....
Abang is also going to KL and he offered me a lift...yeap....I am going to KL on Saturday morning and I am meeting my doc on Monday morning and I am all excited meeting doc again....I did ask doc to give me a hug and he said yes :-) and I am seriously looking forward to a hug...I have been asking for hugs and am getting all the virtual hugs from doc for a while now and it is about time I get a real hug...
At this moment, I am happy.... I am actually looking forward to meeting doc as well as my sister and her family. My sis when I called to ask if I can come over, her first words...pls come...we shall cook and eat :-) I have no idea what is wrong with her but I guess she must be bored eating what she cooks....
I am waiting for Saturday now...... I do hope doc is not going to get cold feet :-)
See you soon doc........
Sangeeta Hope
My baby girl's name.......
I always wanted to name my baby girl Sangeeta and baby boy Sanjaya....just recently, I wanted to add Hope behind Sangeeta's name. Why hope? I have so much hope about this life and at one time, I lost that hope....until now, I find that hope is back in my everyday living...what I am hoping for I have no idea but somehow I know I am hoping...
The nite when I realised I wanted to name my baby Sangeeta Hope, I was so happy. The next morning went to work and I announced to everyone that I am naming my daughter Sangeeta Hope....my abang was happy for me and so did the others....
I told doc too about Sangeeta Hope, he said good and then I made doc promise me something...told him that if I do not get a real Sangeeta Hope in my life, doc is going to get me a teddy bear and I am going to call her Sangeeta Hope......doc, if u r reading this...remember you promised me :-)
Krshna, can you please send me a Sangeeta Hope....you know I will love her more than anyone else in this world.....perhaps even more than you Krshna......
I always wanted to name my baby girl Sangeeta and baby boy Sanjaya....just recently, I wanted to add Hope behind Sangeeta's name. Why hope? I have so much hope about this life and at one time, I lost that hope....until now, I find that hope is back in my everyday living...what I am hoping for I have no idea but somehow I know I am hoping...
The nite when I realised I wanted to name my baby Sangeeta Hope, I was so happy. The next morning went to work and I announced to everyone that I am naming my daughter Sangeeta Hope....my abang was happy for me and so did the others....
I told doc too about Sangeeta Hope, he said good and then I made doc promise me something...told him that if I do not get a real Sangeeta Hope in my life, doc is going to get me a teddy bear and I am going to call her Sangeeta Hope......doc, if u r reading this...remember you promised me :-)
Krshna, can you please send me a Sangeeta Hope....you know I will love her more than anyone else in this world.....perhaps even more than you Krshna......
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Missing something
I know I miss something......
Since Friday, I felt that I am missing something and this feeling went on till yesterday when I finally snapped out of it...
I just miss being in someone's arms, I just wanted to be held close to someone's heart and with his arms around me......he does not have to tell that everything will be fine, all he has to do is just to hold me close and never let me go till I fall asleep...
How did I manage to snap out of it? I just told myself that this is not going to happen.... no matter how much I miss this or want this or need this, I know it is not going to happen and the sooner I get out from these thoughts, the faster I will be able to function as myself...
I asked doc if this is wrong to think or feel and how does everyone cope??? Doc did not have an answer to my question, he said it is normal to feel this way... hmmm...I am now wondering how doc handles this feeling .... for him to know and for me never to find out I guess :-)
Anyway, it was nice, nice to be in love....but nowadays, I have lost all hope that this feeling will ever be in my life again... on Saturday, my partner, D, asked me why not I marry again.....I just told him that I am not able to trust another guy with my heart, love n life.... he said may be not now but one day, this might happen...
I am not sure whether what D says will happen or not, but at this moment I know it is not happening and the only thing I know is that I am sleeping alone in my bed every night and I know there is not going to be anyone holding me in their arms anywhere near the future....
Last nite while talking to Krshna, I asked him why did he awaken all these emotions? What is he trying to tell me? I am yet to find the answer.....Krshna, hopefully you will give me the answers later tonight....
Since Friday, I felt that I am missing something and this feeling went on till yesterday when I finally snapped out of it...
I just miss being in someone's arms, I just wanted to be held close to someone's heart and with his arms around me......he does not have to tell that everything will be fine, all he has to do is just to hold me close and never let me go till I fall asleep...
How did I manage to snap out of it? I just told myself that this is not going to happen.... no matter how much I miss this or want this or need this, I know it is not going to happen and the sooner I get out from these thoughts, the faster I will be able to function as myself...
I asked doc if this is wrong to think or feel and how does everyone cope??? Doc did not have an answer to my question, he said it is normal to feel this way... hmmm...I am now wondering how doc handles this feeling .... for him to know and for me never to find out I guess :-)
Anyway, it was nice, nice to be in love....but nowadays, I have lost all hope that this feeling will ever be in my life again... on Saturday, my partner, D, asked me why not I marry again.....I just told him that I am not able to trust another guy with my heart, love n life.... he said may be not now but one day, this might happen...
I am not sure whether what D says will happen or not, but at this moment I know it is not happening and the only thing I know is that I am sleeping alone in my bed every night and I know there is not going to be anyone holding me in their arms anywhere near the future....
Last nite while talking to Krshna, I asked him why did he awaken all these emotions? What is he trying to tell me? I am yet to find the answer.....Krshna, hopefully you will give me the answers later tonight....
Missing my doc
Doc went missing....
My doc went to Singapore for 4 days and I missed him so much on the chat. I wanted to message him but stopped myself from doing that as I know doc will have to pay more to receive the messages...
Earlier doc went to Sabah and I thought I won't be hearing from him for a week but thank god, doc msged while he was at his meetings...now I am wondering what was doc doing? sure not paying attention in his meetings la tu ;-) bad doc.....
I am not sure if it is already a year since I found my doc but it sure feels I have known him all my life. It is so easy to talk to my doc, talk about anything......he just does not laugh at all the silly things I talk, from clouds, to my romeo and juliet, to even issues on hugs, kisses and intimacy...
I am chatting with doc now as I am writing this entry.... and he said that he hope he did not disappoint me....God, doc is one person in life who did not let me down....I met him when I was going through a very tough time in life......he gave me support that may be he never realised how important it was. I still have an sms from doc, I asked him if I will be okay when I found out the divorce was final, his reply " you will be more than ok...u will be better". Doc I read the sms each time I feel down, I know at least you have faith in me when I start loosing faith in myself...
I would like to make a toast.......to a friendship.....that is beautiful, loving, unconditional....to my doc......love u loads.....hugs......
My doc went to Singapore for 4 days and I missed him so much on the chat. I wanted to message him but stopped myself from doing that as I know doc will have to pay more to receive the messages...
Earlier doc went to Sabah and I thought I won't be hearing from him for a week but thank god, doc msged while he was at his meetings...now I am wondering what was doc doing? sure not paying attention in his meetings la tu ;-) bad doc.....
I am not sure if it is already a year since I found my doc but it sure feels I have known him all my life. It is so easy to talk to my doc, talk about anything......he just does not laugh at all the silly things I talk, from clouds, to my romeo and juliet, to even issues on hugs, kisses and intimacy...
I am chatting with doc now as I am writing this entry.... and he said that he hope he did not disappoint me....God, doc is one person in life who did not let me down....I met him when I was going through a very tough time in life......he gave me support that may be he never realised how important it was. I still have an sms from doc, I asked him if I will be okay when I found out the divorce was final, his reply " you will be more than ok...u will be better". Doc I read the sms each time I feel down, I know at least you have faith in me when I start loosing faith in myself...
I would like to make a toast.......to a friendship.....that is beautiful, loving, unconditional....to my doc......love u loads.....hugs......
Athai payen
I found an athai payen whom I did not even know existed...
2 weeks back, at 4am, I went online to find an article and saw my cousin, T, online and I asked her what on earth she was doing online at that ungodly hour....her reply...chatting with our cousin...
Well, T is from appa's side of the relation and I only know her and her 2 siblings, so it was rather surprising I have other cousins in the same age bracket. She introduced me to this guy, whom when I asked him how to address him, he said call me mama! Well mama for me is my sister's husband, so I told him, no, I shall call you machan since I have never used the word ever in my life :-)
It was fun talking to him, we were flirting...athai payen right :-) He wanted to meet me immediately, told him no, I have my exams and assignments to complete, so could only meet him after a week.
We did meet up after a week and we really hit it off...my sister in law actually said that the way we mix, we looked like we knew each other for a long time. Machan did ask me where was I all these while...when I asked him why am I so comfortable with him??
I donno if this is going to last, our friendship or watever tat is suppose to be called, but it was exciting to meet someone new, a new family member to say...
2 weeks back, at 4am, I went online to find an article and saw my cousin, T, online and I asked her what on earth she was doing online at that ungodly hour....her reply...chatting with our cousin...
Well, T is from appa's side of the relation and I only know her and her 2 siblings, so it was rather surprising I have other cousins in the same age bracket. She introduced me to this guy, whom when I asked him how to address him, he said call me mama! Well mama for me is my sister's husband, so I told him, no, I shall call you machan since I have never used the word ever in my life :-)
It was fun talking to him, we were flirting...athai payen right :-) He wanted to meet me immediately, told him no, I have my exams and assignments to complete, so could only meet him after a week.
We did meet up after a week and we really hit it off...my sister in law actually said that the way we mix, we looked like we knew each other for a long time. Machan did ask me where was I all these while...when I asked him why am I so comfortable with him??
I donno if this is going to last, our friendship or watever tat is suppose to be called, but it was exciting to meet someone new, a new family member to say...
I am back :-)
Been away for a while....
I was seriously tied down with work and assignments and had no time to update my blog. I have so many things to say... I kept telling myself that I have to write about this and that on my blog everyday but alas time was not on myside...
I will be free for the next three weeks and I am going to start writing again... I do hope I remember all that I wanted to say ... I know I will :-)
Doc, I am back...... I know you kept asking me to write and here I go....
I was seriously tied down with work and assignments and had no time to update my blog. I have so many things to say... I kept telling myself that I have to write about this and that on my blog everyday but alas time was not on myside...
I will be free for the next three weeks and I am going to start writing again... I do hope I remember all that I wanted to say ... I know I will :-)
Doc, I am back...... I know you kept asking me to write and here I go....
Monday, July 20, 2009
BMW
I got a new set of wheels.......
On Firday last week, my colleague, L, asked if I can accompany him to buy something in Penang Road and I said yes. We went to lunch and headed back to the college when I saw a 7 series silver coloured BMW on the road and I asked L if he can buy that for me. He replied saying yes and then he asked what was it that I wanted and I told him I wanted the BMW and we burst out laughing.....
Yesterday, I went out with my anney, L and another colleague S for lunch to celebrate my life...Anney and S knows about the divorce but L does not...when we sat down for lunch I told them tat there are 2 reasons for the celebration, first it is my 2nd year working in the college. The second reason of course was tougher to tell as L does not know anything about it, so the other 2 just encouraged me to tell it and when I told the reason for the celebration, L just said everything will be okay. He added now that he knows I am single and available, it is time I go out and meet people and the best way is to get a sportier car and he just put a model of a BMW 3 series infront of me.....I was so touched and the other two were clapping away......we made so much noise at lunch yesterday, laughing and eating and just being happy for being together....
I told P earlier that we shall go out on Aug 10 to celebrate this as that would be the official day the lawyer told me but since it happened earlier, I am celebrating my life as a free person with all the people who mean alot to me.......
On Firday last week, my colleague, L, asked if I can accompany him to buy something in Penang Road and I said yes. We went to lunch and headed back to the college when I saw a 7 series silver coloured BMW on the road and I asked L if he can buy that for me. He replied saying yes and then he asked what was it that I wanted and I told him I wanted the BMW and we burst out laughing.....
Yesterday, I went out with my anney, L and another colleague S for lunch to celebrate my life...Anney and S knows about the divorce but L does not...when we sat down for lunch I told them tat there are 2 reasons for the celebration, first it is my 2nd year working in the college. The second reason of course was tougher to tell as L does not know anything about it, so the other 2 just encouraged me to tell it and when I told the reason for the celebration, L just said everything will be okay. He added now that he knows I am single and available, it is time I go out and meet people and the best way is to get a sportier car and he just put a model of a BMW 3 series infront of me.....I was so touched and the other two were clapping away......we made so much noise at lunch yesterday, laughing and eating and just being happy for being together....
I told P earlier that we shall go out on Aug 10 to celebrate this as that would be the official day the lawyer told me but since it happened earlier, I am celebrating my life as a free person with all the people who mean alot to me.......
Prayers
Went to temple this morning......
Woke up in the morning and I thought I have to go to temple to say thanks to God for making it easy on me...and so off I went to Meenaskhi Sundereswarar Temple...the irony of the whole thing was, this was the temple after Kutty and I got registered, we went to the temple to pray and I went to the same temple, stood at the same spot and told Meenakshi what has happened and thanked Her for everything......
I actually prayed that Kutty will be happy with his family, finally, his daughter will be with him.....and then I said this prayers that I liked....I told God that I know He has planned things for me and all I am asking for now is that whatever He has planned for me will all work out well...I finished saying that and the temple bells started ringing.....it was not pooja time.....but someone rang the bells just then.....what made me so happy was that I seriously believed that God heard my prayers and I know I will be okay...
With this hope in life, I am going to step forward everyday, smile at everyone and everything and live my life to the fullest and without any regrets.....
Woke up in the morning and I thought I have to go to temple to say thanks to God for making it easy on me...and so off I went to Meenaskhi Sundereswarar Temple...the irony of the whole thing was, this was the temple after Kutty and I got registered, we went to the temple to pray and I went to the same temple, stood at the same spot and told Meenakshi what has happened and thanked Her for everything......
I actually prayed that Kutty will be happy with his family, finally, his daughter will be with him.....and then I said this prayers that I liked....I told God that I know He has planned things for me and all I am asking for now is that whatever He has planned for me will all work out well...I finished saying that and the temple bells started ringing.....it was not pooja time.....but someone rang the bells just then.....what made me so happy was that I seriously believed that God heard my prayers and I know I will be okay...
With this hope in life, I am going to step forward everyday, smile at everyone and everything and live my life to the fullest and without any regrets.....
My divorce
It is finally over....
On Wednesday afternoon, the lawyer called me, I was in class. I could not talk to him then so I told him I will call back later....of course I could not concentrate in teaching after the call, all kinds of thoughts were going in my mind...wat is it going to be? new complications? some problems? when I said a little prayer asking Krshna to make it easy for me....
I saw my anney after class and he asked why am I so tensed when I told him about the lawyer's call. He said everything will be okay, not to worry and just return the call. I did that and the lawyer said the divorce papers are ready. I was shocked, I told him that he mentioned that it will take 3 months before the court grants it and it is only 2 months now.....why is it so quick? He did not have an answer to it......I guess Krshna just wants me to be out from the whole thing....watever it is.......I have no regrets.
I do have to tell something here.......I did not cry.....I did not know how to react to this piece of information but I know I was okay....
Surprisingly, I called Ms L first to tell her the news, she asked if I am crying, I said no, I am just okay, then I msged Dr M, I donno why I did that.....may be coz he was the one who introduced the lawyer to me or may be coz I know he would understand me...
I know I am fine now and I know life will go on beautifully....
On Wednesday afternoon, the lawyer called me, I was in class. I could not talk to him then so I told him I will call back later....of course I could not concentrate in teaching after the call, all kinds of thoughts were going in my mind...wat is it going to be? new complications? some problems? when I said a little prayer asking Krshna to make it easy for me....
I saw my anney after class and he asked why am I so tensed when I told him about the lawyer's call. He said everything will be okay, not to worry and just return the call. I did that and the lawyer said the divorce papers are ready. I was shocked, I told him that he mentioned that it will take 3 months before the court grants it and it is only 2 months now.....why is it so quick? He did not have an answer to it......I guess Krshna just wants me to be out from the whole thing....watever it is.......I have no regrets.
I do have to tell something here.......I did not cry.....I did not know how to react to this piece of information but I know I was okay....
Surprisingly, I called Ms L first to tell her the news, she asked if I am crying, I said no, I am just okay, then I msged Dr M, I donno why I did that.....may be coz he was the one who introduced the lawyer to me or may be coz I know he would understand me...
I know I am fine now and I know life will go on beautifully....
Monday, July 6, 2009
Clouds
Clouds made me happy this morning....
I saw beautiful formations of clouds this morning as I came out from the house and that made me smile all the way to work:-) I was thinking, Krshna thank you for making my day so beautiful...I donno how clouds could make me happy but they did....
I guess I am just blessed as I am able to find happiness in little things I see in life....I am glad I take the time to smell the roses when I pass by them and I am glad I am able to see the beauty in a child's smile....priceless....
This made me look at life and think there are millions of things in my life that I am grateful of and I am going to go on living this wonderful life that Krshna gave us....
I saw beautiful formations of clouds this morning as I came out from the house and that made me smile all the way to work:-) I was thinking, Krshna thank you for making my day so beautiful...I donno how clouds could make me happy but they did....
I guess I am just blessed as I am able to find happiness in little things I see in life....I am glad I take the time to smell the roses when I pass by them and I am glad I am able to see the beauty in a child's smile....priceless....
This made me look at life and think there are millions of things in my life that I am grateful of and I am going to go on living this wonderful life that Krshna gave us....
Sunday, July 5, 2009
My Sexy Back
I can be crazy.......
Yeah, I wore this blouse which according to my brother in law has lots n lots of windows :-) I thought my mama was going to freak out and he did..not alot but a bit :-) My sister was cool about it :-)
Anyway I know I am just going through a midlife crisis now...I just want to feel I am alive and I just want to do all that I wanted to do!!
Krshna help me :-)
Being in Love
Was talking to P.....
Well both of us agreed that what we miss in life is being in love.... Digi, the guy whom I have been chatting for a while now met me when I was in KL. The next day he sent me an sms saying that he feels he is suitable for me and asked me if I feel the same....now wat is the meaning of suitable herelah? It is not love right? Of course it is not love coz I hardly know the guy and on top of that I had no intention to have any kind of relationship with this guy or any other guy for that matter at this moment.
I told P that nowadays I am sure of what I want...I want a companion, someone I love and respect and most importantly, someone close to me....I don't want to be in a phone relationship anymore...what is the point in being in 2 different places? When I feel like having a hug or a kiss I have to wait till the weekend or the month end for him to come? Nope, been there done that and I know I deserve better....
As for P, she too was talking about missing the feeling about being in love...it is no more about having someone in our lives...it is a pity though...I know P and I are the romantics ...we are the ones who are in love with love...but alas...we are the one who can't seem to hold on to love!
I use to think love will come 1 day but now I have lost all hope on that....
Well both of us agreed that what we miss in life is being in love.... Digi, the guy whom I have been chatting for a while now met me when I was in KL. The next day he sent me an sms saying that he feels he is suitable for me and asked me if I feel the same....now wat is the meaning of suitable herelah? It is not love right? Of course it is not love coz I hardly know the guy and on top of that I had no intention to have any kind of relationship with this guy or any other guy for that matter at this moment.
I told P that nowadays I am sure of what I want...I want a companion, someone I love and respect and most importantly, someone close to me....I don't want to be in a phone relationship anymore...what is the point in being in 2 different places? When I feel like having a hug or a kiss I have to wait till the weekend or the month end for him to come? Nope, been there done that and I know I deserve better....
As for P, she too was talking about missing the feeling about being in love...it is no more about having someone in our lives...it is a pity though...I know P and I are the romantics ...we are the ones who are in love with love...but alas...we are the one who can't seem to hold on to love!
I use to think love will come 1 day but now I have lost all hope on that....
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thinking
I have been thinking ....
Ya ya, it is not the first time I have been thinking...I have been thinking about some of the chats that I had with doc....the ones about love, one-nite-stands, marriages and etc...
I am wondering now if all that matters to me...has it changed? Have my principals and beliefs changed? I am not sure how to answer all my questions now...Doc told me not to think too much about it but I know myself well enough...I analyse every other thing that was said and done more than once...
I will have to have a chat session with doc to clear my missgivings...where r u doc? I miss our chats more than I miss you I think...:-)
Ya ya, it is not the first time I have been thinking...I have been thinking about some of the chats that I had with doc....the ones about love, one-nite-stands, marriages and etc...
I am wondering now if all that matters to me...has it changed? Have my principals and beliefs changed? I am not sure how to answer all my questions now...Doc told me not to think too much about it but I know myself well enough...I analyse every other thing that was said and done more than once...
I will have to have a chat session with doc to clear my missgivings...where r u doc? I miss our chats more than I miss you I think...:-)
Monorail
It was a nightmare....
I took the monorail on Monday evening and my god that was a new experience. The place was so crowded, I had to wait for 3 trains before I could board...actually I was pushed in...all I had to do was to stand and ppl just pushed me in...
But...yeap...but....I met someone nice...what happened was, I was waiting for the train with a Prof from MMU and we were talking when he decided to take a u-turn and take a cab to Bangsar. A lovely looking girl excused herself and asked me if the person I was talking to was from MMU. I said yes and we started talking.....
She was from MMU, a student who is currently doing her intern. I was telling her that this was my first experience taking a monorail and I could not imagine going through this every evening and morning...she said she takes 6 trains daily..the monorail, the lrt and the komuter....oh god!
I have no regrets using the monorail that day but I do pray I don't have to go through that everyday!
I took the monorail on Monday evening and my god that was a new experience. The place was so crowded, I had to wait for 3 trains before I could board...actually I was pushed in...all I had to do was to stand and ppl just pushed me in...
But...yeap...but....I met someone nice...what happened was, I was waiting for the train with a Prof from MMU and we were talking when he decided to take a u-turn and take a cab to Bangsar. A lovely looking girl excused herself and asked me if the person I was talking to was from MMU. I said yes and we started talking.....
She was from MMU, a student who is currently doing her intern. I was telling her that this was my first experience taking a monorail and I could not imagine going through this every evening and morning...she said she takes 6 trains daily..the monorail, the lrt and the komuter....oh god!
I have no regrets using the monorail that day but I do pray I don't have to go through that everyday!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
KL
I went to KL city.....
I went out to meet someone in KL city, Masjid India to be exact....and I hated it. Too many ppl...was complaining to my nephews and my brother in law :-)
Anyway, I wanted to say about something I saw on the lrt...2 couples...young couples....they were playing games with each other on the lrt..I donno if they realised ppl were looking at them or not but it was nice to see them being so in love. Another couple with a small baby, looked so nice seeing the parents playing with the baby...
I do miss those moments...making sweet memories...then I tot...I had my sweet memories with doc last week...all I wish now is I can make many more sweet memories to last me a life time...
I can't wait to go home....
I went out to meet someone in KL city, Masjid India to be exact....and I hated it. Too many ppl...was complaining to my nephews and my brother in law :-)
Anyway, I wanted to say about something I saw on the lrt...2 couples...young couples....they were playing games with each other on the lrt..I donno if they realised ppl were looking at them or not but it was nice to see them being so in love. Another couple with a small baby, looked so nice seeing the parents playing with the baby...
I do miss those moments...making sweet memories...then I tot...I had my sweet memories with doc last week...all I wish now is I can make many more sweet memories to last me a life time...
I can't wait to go home....
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Morning After
Will he keep in touch or not????
I was having this question in my mind.....will doc be still my doc or is he going to go away?? My tots were put to rest when I received a good morning wish from doc and a wish for a beautiful day for me......it was lovely to wake up to that msg......
I do wish I can meet doc tonite, for a mocha since he does not know wat a mocha is....Well doc does not drink coffee or tea....only milo....cute right?? Kanak - kanak riang membesar :-)
I donno if last nite was the only nite I would have had with my doc....
My tots of doc.....he is gentle....does not say much.......attentive listener......very good in something I like to do..........a simple guy.......a sweet guy.......a great friend.....
Krshna, can you pls make doc to stay.......be my friend........just the way we are now.....I am happy with doc as we are ........
I was having this question in my mind.....will doc be still my doc or is he going to go away?? My tots were put to rest when I received a good morning wish from doc and a wish for a beautiful day for me......it was lovely to wake up to that msg......
I do wish I can meet doc tonite, for a mocha since he does not know wat a mocha is....Well doc does not drink coffee or tea....only milo....cute right?? Kanak - kanak riang membesar :-)
I donno if last nite was the only nite I would have had with my doc....
My tots of doc.....he is gentle....does not say much.......attentive listener......very good in something I like to do..........a simple guy.......a sweet guy.......a great friend.....
Krshna, can you pls make doc to stay.......be my friend........just the way we are now.....I am happy with doc as we are ........
A lovely evening
I loved the way my day ended last nite.....
I had my black suit on to meet doc for dinner.....it was a rush, I was all afternoon doing exam papers for Ms L and the moment I left her place, doc msged saying he will be ready in 35 minutes...god I need that much time to reach home...
Rushed back, had a quick shower, got dressed and off I went to pick doc......he was smart in a batik....very casual but he looked good...I do think doc needs a few more kg to his bones....he will look better :-)
Anyway, after picking him, went back to the house, doc wanted to see my bears.....he did......but he said he was expecting for more.....may be, I should call doc again to the house after 10 years.....then may be I would have more bears :-)
From the house, we went to the Bulgarian restaurant.....along the way, as usual I was talking away and doc was listening.....I asked him if he had named the bear......oh ya, I gave doc a teddy bear for his 40th birthday...cool ya?? Wat was cooler was the fact doc carried the bear to the hotel without hiding it from anyone.....I really admire a guy who is confident of himself ......cool!
Anyway, dinner was okay, I enjoyed my food and doc I hope enjoyed the ambiance....it was a lovely dinner.......the only embarrassing part was my bracelet getting stuck to the table cloth....so when in the car, I asked him to remove the bracelet....coz it was getting stuck to my car seat as well....
We went for a drive all the way to Teluk Bahang and I do think doc was holding his heart in his hands looking at the way I was driving...he kept saying the roads were narrow and winding but I was as usual okay with the roads...after a while I was telling him my fingers are getting cold and asked him how he is doing when he replied saying my bracelet is keeping him warm....oh god....I was thinking in my mind 'can you please hold my hands and say you are keeping me warm" that I think would have really melted my heartlah.....biasakan hopeless romantic!
We just drove and I was pointing out places to him.....Gurney Drive....Coastal Road.....Penang Bridge and all the time thinking what am I suppose to do after this......I donno if doc was okay to be with me or not.....I did tell him in the beginging of the evening if he wants me to u-turn, I will do it....but he said no...let's go for dinner......
Well, when we were passing KFC I think doc felt safe.....he was on safe ground......the roads were straight and he knew eq was nearby and finally I guess he relaxed a bit...
The remainder part of the evening.......to summarise it....I did not expect how the evening would turn out to be.....it was beyond what I tot would be and I have no regrets to end my day with my doc in that manner....but I loved every moment I spent with him.......oh ya....Sanjaya....that's the name of the doc's teddy bear...
Doc, I know you would be reading this and I know I asked your permission to write how I felt.....but I still think somethings can't be written here but trust me I had a lovely nite.......
I had my black suit on to meet doc for dinner.....it was a rush, I was all afternoon doing exam papers for Ms L and the moment I left her place, doc msged saying he will be ready in 35 minutes...god I need that much time to reach home...
Rushed back, had a quick shower, got dressed and off I went to pick doc......he was smart in a batik....very casual but he looked good...I do think doc needs a few more kg to his bones....he will look better :-)
Anyway, after picking him, went back to the house, doc wanted to see my bears.....he did......but he said he was expecting for more.....may be, I should call doc again to the house after 10 years.....then may be I would have more bears :-)
From the house, we went to the Bulgarian restaurant.....along the way, as usual I was talking away and doc was listening.....I asked him if he had named the bear......oh ya, I gave doc a teddy bear for his 40th birthday...cool ya?? Wat was cooler was the fact doc carried the bear to the hotel without hiding it from anyone.....I really admire a guy who is confident of himself ......cool!
Anyway, dinner was okay, I enjoyed my food and doc I hope enjoyed the ambiance....it was a lovely dinner.......the only embarrassing part was my bracelet getting stuck to the table cloth....so when in the car, I asked him to remove the bracelet....coz it was getting stuck to my car seat as well....
We went for a drive all the way to Teluk Bahang and I do think doc was holding his heart in his hands looking at the way I was driving...he kept saying the roads were narrow and winding but I was as usual okay with the roads...after a while I was telling him my fingers are getting cold and asked him how he is doing when he replied saying my bracelet is keeping him warm....oh god....I was thinking in my mind 'can you please hold my hands and say you are keeping me warm" that I think would have really melted my heartlah.....biasakan hopeless romantic!
We just drove and I was pointing out places to him.....Gurney Drive....Coastal Road.....Penang Bridge and all the time thinking what am I suppose to do after this......I donno if doc was okay to be with me or not.....I did tell him in the beginging of the evening if he wants me to u-turn, I will do it....but he said no...let's go for dinner......
Well, when we were passing KFC I think doc felt safe.....he was on safe ground......the roads were straight and he knew eq was nearby and finally I guess he relaxed a bit...
The remainder part of the evening.......to summarise it....I did not expect how the evening would turn out to be.....it was beyond what I tot would be and I have no regrets to end my day with my doc in that manner....but I loved every moment I spent with him.......oh ya....Sanjaya....that's the name of the doc's teddy bear...
Doc, I know you would be reading this and I know I asked your permission to write how I felt.....but I still think somethings can't be written here but trust me I had a lovely nite.......
Blunder
I did something bad.......
I told doc I knew the place he was suppose to go and hence after picking from eq, I was happily driving him and showing him houses I like, the roads, we even went to say Hi to Romeo and Juliet....
I was so confident about the location of doc's first day of the conference but when we were there, I realised it was not the place and God, I felt so bad about the whole thing.....Doc would have been cursing me inside his heart but he was nice enough to tell me not to worry....but I felt so guilty for messing up his schedule/his morning!
The place was at the mainland....oh God.....I donno mainland.....matilah!!!
I told doc to take the ferry and cross over and then get a cab from there, that would have been faster than me driving him there and looking for the place.....and in my mind I tot doc was never going to see me again and he is not going to forgive me and he would have tot that I was the biggest mistake he had made in his life....
Man.....I felt so bad.....aiyooooooo.....dumb me!!!!
Anyhow, doc managed to go over to Butterworth and he managed to find the place easily and I felt a bit better...but I was trully sorry for messing up his morning!!
I told doc I knew the place he was suppose to go and hence after picking from eq, I was happily driving him and showing him houses I like, the roads, we even went to say Hi to Romeo and Juliet....
I was so confident about the location of doc's first day of the conference but when we were there, I realised it was not the place and God, I felt so bad about the whole thing.....Doc would have been cursing me inside his heart but he was nice enough to tell me not to worry....but I felt so guilty for messing up his schedule/his morning!
The place was at the mainland....oh God.....I donno mainland.....matilah!!!
I told doc to take the ferry and cross over and then get a cab from there, that would have been faster than me driving him there and looking for the place.....and in my mind I tot doc was never going to see me again and he is not going to forgive me and he would have tot that I was the biggest mistake he had made in his life....
Man.....I felt so bad.....aiyooooooo.....dumb me!!!!
Anyhow, doc managed to go over to Butterworth and he managed to find the place easily and I felt a bit better...but I was trully sorry for messing up his morning!!
My Doc
I finally met him.........
Oh gosh, I finally met doc and I heard his voice and I did say that too to him :-)
I was a nervous wreck that morning, his flight was suppose to land at the Penang airport at 8.15am and when I entered the airport, it was 8.18am...good...I was not late... I sat looking out for my doc, somehow I know the moment I see him, he is going to be my doc...
As time passed, doc was not insight and I just could not sit anymore and so I stood and went behind a pillar and I would see everyone coming out from the arrival hall...and there he was, my doc, pulling his bag and having this lovely smile on his face and I could see his eyes were searching for me.....made my heart skip once as I witnessed the look of searching for someone in the crowd...
I went right infront of him and said.."I am here doc, I am not hiding from you" ...I have no idea why I said that, I know I was looking for something nice to say to doc, it is afterall my first words to him and I wanted to say something nice but these was all I could say...
Doc was cute, he did not know wat to do at the moment, I know I have been asking for hugs from him and I did tell him in a serious note over the chat that I will give him a hug when I see him at the airport and of course knowing me, I wouldn't dare do such things...
He was cool, I was nervous...perhaps I was scared of not being accepted by him, I donno, but somehow I know I talked too much and he did not. At first I thought he was shy but I realised it is not that, Doc is someone who listens rather than talk......so he listened to my chattering....
I have only one thing to say about my doc...it was nice to meet a friend..........
Oh gosh, I finally met doc and I heard his voice and I did say that too to him :-)
I was a nervous wreck that morning, his flight was suppose to land at the Penang airport at 8.15am and when I entered the airport, it was 8.18am...good...I was not late... I sat looking out for my doc, somehow I know the moment I see him, he is going to be my doc...
As time passed, doc was not insight and I just could not sit anymore and so I stood and went behind a pillar and I would see everyone coming out from the arrival hall...and there he was, my doc, pulling his bag and having this lovely smile on his face and I could see his eyes were searching for me.....made my heart skip once as I witnessed the look of searching for someone in the crowd...
I went right infront of him and said.."I am here doc, I am not hiding from you" ...I have no idea why I said that, I know I was looking for something nice to say to doc, it is afterall my first words to him and I wanted to say something nice but these was all I could say...
Doc was cute, he did not know wat to do at the moment, I know I have been asking for hugs from him and I did tell him in a serious note over the chat that I will give him a hug when I see him at the airport and of course knowing me, I wouldn't dare do such things...
He was cool, I was nervous...perhaps I was scared of not being accepted by him, I donno, but somehow I know I talked too much and he did not. At first I thought he was shy but I realised it is not that, Doc is someone who listens rather than talk......so he listened to my chattering....
I have only one thing to say about my doc...it was nice to meet a friend..........
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
3 am
I could not sleep last nite.....
Was talking to Kutty last nite when he told me he is bringing his family to the States. I know this was coming but somehow my heart still broke. I know I am being silly here, Kutty belongs to someone else and I am just me...alone in this world...
I donno what is hurting me so much.....oh Krshna, I am crying my heart out now......is it the fact that I have lost him forever? Why do I love him so much?? I have no answers to it. He said he knows I am hurt...I told him this is too late.....he made his choice not now......it was years back... I do know why I am so sad, Kutty is the only person when I am with him I am my trueself, I never hid anything from him, I say whatever I feel and I am just me when I am with him. I am not sure if I will ever find another person like that in my life......hope?
I know I will be okay.... I am going to give myself this moment to cry, later I shall dry my tears and smile as I know life has more to offer...
Krshna might have planned for me not to have anyone in my life......and now I am prepared to accept it....I do wish I know wat is going to happen though...
Guess it is better to be in love and never to have been in love at all....I know dumb theory.....I am just trying to make myself okay...self healing is the best healing process I think....
Got to tell myself to smile......I am now.......that is good.......
Was talking to Kutty last nite when he told me he is bringing his family to the States. I know this was coming but somehow my heart still broke. I know I am being silly here, Kutty belongs to someone else and I am just me...alone in this world...
I donno what is hurting me so much.....oh Krshna, I am crying my heart out now......is it the fact that I have lost him forever? Why do I love him so much?? I have no answers to it. He said he knows I am hurt...I told him this is too late.....he made his choice not now......it was years back... I do know why I am so sad, Kutty is the only person when I am with him I am my trueself, I never hid anything from him, I say whatever I feel and I am just me when I am with him. I am not sure if I will ever find another person like that in my life......hope?
I know I will be okay.... I am going to give myself this moment to cry, later I shall dry my tears and smile as I know life has more to offer...
Krshna might have planned for me not to have anyone in my life......and now I am prepared to accept it....I do wish I know wat is going to happen though...
Guess it is better to be in love and never to have been in love at all....I know dumb theory.....I am just trying to make myself okay...self healing is the best healing process I think....
Got to tell myself to smile......I am now.......that is good.......
Monday, June 22, 2009
To be or not to be?
That's a question........
Doc asked me in chat whether if given a choice to be a man, would I accept it? My answer.....No... I told doc I like being who I am......I said I can cry and I can laugh and this is accepted by society, I told him I like my feminity.... like being who I am.....
I do believe there is no distinct difference between a man and woman besides the physical being..... emotionally/mentally I do believe we r the same.... I mean both genders get hurt, both r happy for various reasons.... I mean a broken heart hurts the same between a guy and a lady or it does not?
I donno if there is a right or wrong answer to this.....for me, after going through so much in life, I would still like to be a female......one who is strong to face the world and proud to hold her head high and walk with dignity for being born a lady....
Doc asked me in chat whether if given a choice to be a man, would I accept it? My answer.....No... I told doc I like being who I am......I said I can cry and I can laugh and this is accepted by society, I told him I like my feminity.... like being who I am.....
I do believe there is no distinct difference between a man and woman besides the physical being..... emotionally/mentally I do believe we r the same.... I mean both genders get hurt, both r happy for various reasons.... I mean a broken heart hurts the same between a guy and a lady or it does not?
I donno if there is a right or wrong answer to this.....for me, after going through so much in life, I would still like to be a female......one who is strong to face the world and proud to hold her head high and walk with dignity for being born a lady....
A proposal
Someone proposed to me......
Oh god, this guy I chatted with proposed to me after chatting with me in less than 30 minutes, he made me laugh and then he made me think...... These days I am happy being me but at times I feel lonely and I do wish I have someone to share my happiness/ life with.
What the guy made me think was .... will I just accept anyone coz I am lonely and all that I want is to belong to someone? That made me think really hard and I started talking to Krshna.... I asked Krshna to think carefully on what He wants me to do as He would know how crazy I can be... I know I will be find... I also know if I do do something crazy, I will still not regret it.. I will say...everything happens for a reason! and move on with life......
To the guy who proposed to me......I did not continue chatting him.....
Oh god, this guy I chatted with proposed to me after chatting with me in less than 30 minutes, he made me laugh and then he made me think...... These days I am happy being me but at times I feel lonely and I do wish I have someone to share my happiness/ life with.
What the guy made me think was .... will I just accept anyone coz I am lonely and all that I want is to belong to someone? That made me think really hard and I started talking to Krshna.... I asked Krshna to think carefully on what He wants me to do as He would know how crazy I can be... I know I will be find... I also know if I do do something crazy, I will still not regret it.. I will say...everything happens for a reason! and move on with life......
To the guy who proposed to me......I did not continue chatting him.....
40 hours
Just 40 hours to go.....
My doc will be here in less than 40 hours and I am excited, nervous, butterflies fluttering inside of me!!! Why am I feeling all these? I know why, I don't want to loose doc. I am afraid after meeting him, he just goes away.......like wat email guy did to P.
Doc is a wonderful friend and I want to keep him if he wants to stay......I asked doc this question.."Do you think things will change once we have met?" Doc replied......"don't be silly".....a girl can really fall for my doc :-)
Krshna, thank you for giving my doc to me........
My doc will be here in less than 40 hours and I am excited, nervous, butterflies fluttering inside of me!!! Why am I feeling all these? I know why, I don't want to loose doc. I am afraid after meeting him, he just goes away.......like wat email guy did to P.
Doc is a wonderful friend and I want to keep him if he wants to stay......I asked doc this question.."Do you think things will change once we have met?" Doc replied......"don't be silly".....a girl can really fall for my doc :-)
Krshna, thank you for giving my doc to me........
My Partner
He is sweet.......
My study partner is a sweet guy, why do I say so? He carries my notebook when I am with him, he opens the door to the car, he greets me with his cheerful voice...he is just a gentleman. I really thought I have met a guy who is very sweet and I could have lost my heart to him if he is not married.....
18 June was his birthday and he picked my up from my house to go out for lunch. I took the day off....was it because of him...I donno...but I was at home and I went out with him and we enjoyed our lunch...we spent 2 hours over lunch.......chatting.........catching up......well we did not meet for a month so we had lots to talk......we shared a toast :-)
Well, last weekend, I found out something about him, he is the classic guy....the one who provides and takes care of the family and he is also the kind that decides everything and the wife should just follow everything he says.......somehow, that broke my heart a bit..... but then I realised, I am not married to him, so it is okay for him to be who he is...
I guess everyone of us have two sides of our lives.......1 that we show to everyone and the other that we show to selected people......and I saw a glimpse of my partner over the weekend that he does not show to everyone!!
My study partner is a sweet guy, why do I say so? He carries my notebook when I am with him, he opens the door to the car, he greets me with his cheerful voice...he is just a gentleman. I really thought I have met a guy who is very sweet and I could have lost my heart to him if he is not married.....
18 June was his birthday and he picked my up from my house to go out for lunch. I took the day off....was it because of him...I donno...but I was at home and I went out with him and we enjoyed our lunch...we spent 2 hours over lunch.......chatting.........catching up......well we did not meet for a month so we had lots to talk......we shared a toast :-)
Well, last weekend, I found out something about him, he is the classic guy....the one who provides and takes care of the family and he is also the kind that decides everything and the wife should just follow everything he says.......somehow, that broke my heart a bit..... but then I realised, I am not married to him, so it is okay for him to be who he is...
I guess everyone of us have two sides of our lives.......1 that we show to everyone and the other that we show to selected people......and I saw a glimpse of my partner over the weekend that he does not show to everyone!!
Just busy
Been very busy .........
Been sometime since I posted something on my blog.....What was I doing? Busy with the Recognition Nite at college and writing a paper.....Both events turned out great, the paper accepted for the conference and the Nite was a smash hit!
Talking about the Nite, I made a very sexy looking blouse and I actually wore it too...god knows what got into me to make the blouse, but I did....regrets? Nope....I justified that this might be the only time I can wear such blouse as the moment I feel I am old, I am not going to wear anything like this anymore...well, I do think I made a few heads turn on that night...my Chinese colleagues kept asking me to be natural as I was pulling my saree to cover...my anney told me to cover and the Indian colleagues admired my guts!
I have done crazy stuff and I would like to add this to the list. My happy memories perhaps??
Been sometime since I posted something on my blog.....What was I doing? Busy with the Recognition Nite at college and writing a paper.....Both events turned out great, the paper accepted for the conference and the Nite was a smash hit!
Talking about the Nite, I made a very sexy looking blouse and I actually wore it too...god knows what got into me to make the blouse, but I did....regrets? Nope....I justified that this might be the only time I can wear such blouse as the moment I feel I am old, I am not going to wear anything like this anymore...well, I do think I made a few heads turn on that night...my Chinese colleagues kept asking me to be natural as I was pulling my saree to cover...my anney told me to cover and the Indian colleagues admired my guts!
I have done crazy stuff and I would like to add this to the list. My happy memories perhaps??
Friday, May 29, 2009
Gym
I joined the gym...
I took the step and joined the gym. I am having fun...just my 3rd day today and I am all okay with the gym. I do hope for the next 3 months, I am going to go to the gym on every weekday without giving any excuses..it would do me tonnes of goodness...I do hope I can loose this extra weight I am carrying now...
I took the step and joined the gym. I am having fun...just my 3rd day today and I am all okay with the gym. I do hope for the next 3 months, I am going to go to the gym on every weekday without giving any excuses..it would do me tonnes of goodness...I do hope I can loose this extra weight I am carrying now...
Stranger
I did something embarassing today...
I was driving back today and caught in a bad traffic jam, the cars were moving in inches...anyway, the most embarassing I did was as I was passing a car, I looked out and I donno why I gave the guy a second look...I mean I actually moved my body and head and looked at him and my luck, the guy saw me looking at him..I mentioned the cars were moving slowly kan? well he caught up with me and he was looking and smiling...aiyoooooo....I could not run away anywhere....why do i do such stupid things in life is beyond me....well, I do think I made his daylah :-)
I was driving back today and caught in a bad traffic jam, the cars were moving in inches...anyway, the most embarassing I did was as I was passing a car, I looked out and I donno why I gave the guy a second look...I mean I actually moved my body and head and looked at him and my luck, the guy saw me looking at him..I mentioned the cars were moving slowly kan? well he caught up with me and he was looking and smiling...aiyoooooo....I could not run away anywhere....why do i do such stupid things in life is beyond me....well, I do think I made his daylah :-)
Waiting
I am waiting for my doc to come....
I am going to see my doc in less than a month...yeiiii...I am excited ;-) yalah, my doc has been so secretive about himself...cannot call, cannot see his face etc...anyhow, let it be...I am just glad I am going to meet a very good friend..
This afternoon doc msged saying that he is looking for to come to Penang..I am now thinking, looking forward to Penang or the conference or me? I am sure if I ask my doc, he is going to say it is me lah that he is looking forward to :-) well I sincerely hope so that is going to be his answer...
I was telling doc, it has been awhile since I waited for anyone to come. I used to do that when I was going out with Kutty, everytime he was coming to Penang, I will first count the weeks, then the days and then the hours and finally the minutes..I was really really looking forward for him coming to me...god...am I tat hopeless??
I am going to see my doc in less than a month...yeiiii...I am excited ;-) yalah, my doc has been so secretive about himself...cannot call, cannot see his face etc...anyhow, let it be...I am just glad I am going to meet a very good friend..
This afternoon doc msged saying that he is looking for to come to Penang..I am now thinking, looking forward to Penang or the conference or me? I am sure if I ask my doc, he is going to say it is me lah that he is looking forward to :-) well I sincerely hope so that is going to be his answer...
I was telling doc, it has been awhile since I waited for anyone to come. I used to do that when I was going out with Kutty, everytime he was coming to Penang, I will first count the weeks, then the days and then the hours and finally the minutes..I was really really looking forward for him coming to me...god...am I tat hopeless??
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
JJ
I met JJ today......
He is an adorable baby....just 3 weeks old and he is going to be a stunner....I am always so happy when I see a baby and JJ was not an exception. Met PM today and she was complaining of not being able to loose weight....told her not to worry and I as usual just fell in love with JJ.
I said thanks to PM for naming her son JJ :-) sounds just like my name kan?
Well another good news is my other friend S is expecting her 1st baby.......I told doc that I am going to be an aunt to so many people.....how nice......how wonderful.......
He is an adorable baby....just 3 weeks old and he is going to be a stunner....I am always so happy when I see a baby and JJ was not an exception. Met PM today and she was complaining of not being able to loose weight....told her not to worry and I as usual just fell in love with JJ.
I said thanks to PM for naming her son JJ :-) sounds just like my name kan?
Well another good news is my other friend S is expecting her 1st baby.......I told doc that I am going to be an aunt to so many people.....how nice......how wonderful.......
An Orchid
An orchid that made my day.....
Came to office this morning and I found a single orchid on my pc....it was from my colleague...The flower just brightened up my day and I just took the orchid and pinned it up my hair.....
My colleague came and asked if I like the flower and I turned and showed him the orchid pinned to my hair and he went away beaming.....
The beautiful gesture by my colleague made my day and me appreciating the lovely flower made his day:-)
I like flowers on my hair......and today I am going to show-off the orchid to everyone!!!
Came to office this morning and I found a single orchid on my pc....it was from my colleague...The flower just brightened up my day and I just took the orchid and pinned it up my hair.....
My colleague came and asked if I like the flower and I turned and showed him the orchid pinned to my hair and he went away beaming.....
The beautiful gesture by my colleague made my day and me appreciating the lovely flower made his day:-)
I like flowers on my hair......and today I am going to show-off the orchid to everyone!!!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Happy Memories
I was thinking over the weekend.....
I should not be thinking.....that's my conclusion on myself coz I found out that each time I think, I am coming up with more depressing stuffs.....anyway, I was thinking about all the happy moments in life and guess what.....I could not find many...I think I can use my fingers to count of all the happy memories in my life.
I told P about this and she said may be it is time I start creating my happy memories and yes that was what I was thinking as well too when I spoke to P. I told doc about this today, he said excellent idea.....then I told doc, I have decided that he is going to be in one my happy memories...this is a good start.....
I am 38 and I do think it is about time I begin my journey with happiness, faith, hope and love beside me as I travel through life....
I should not be thinking.....that's my conclusion on myself coz I found out that each time I think, I am coming up with more depressing stuffs.....anyway, I was thinking about all the happy moments in life and guess what.....I could not find many...I think I can use my fingers to count of all the happy memories in my life.
I told P about this and she said may be it is time I start creating my happy memories and yes that was what I was thinking as well too when I spoke to P. I told doc about this today, he said excellent idea.....then I told doc, I have decided that he is going to be in one my happy memories...this is a good start.....
I am 38 and I do think it is about time I begin my journey with happiness, faith, hope and love beside me as I travel through life....
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Abhiyum Naanum
Wonderful movie....
Friends who know me well told me to watch this movie and I did watch the movie last week...and I seriously enjoyed the movie...I laughed and cried and I laughed and cried over and over...
I liked it when she told her dad that she knows what she is doing...how many times would I have said tat to my appa...I know I never told him straight to his face but I do think my actions would have spoken that statement to him....
I was always close to appa but I think I became closer to him when I was in college and appa will come and pick me up after college every nite and we would spend that time alone...just the 2 of us....and I would talk and appa listens.....I sing for him......I remember the song "The Summer of 69"...appa liked that song too..
I do hope I have someone like Abhi in my life...will it ever happen??
Friends who know me well told me to watch this movie and I did watch the movie last week...and I seriously enjoyed the movie...I laughed and cried and I laughed and cried over and over...
I liked it when she told her dad that she knows what she is doing...how many times would I have said tat to my appa...I know I never told him straight to his face but I do think my actions would have spoken that statement to him....
I was always close to appa but I think I became closer to him when I was in college and appa will come and pick me up after college every nite and we would spend that time alone...just the 2 of us....and I would talk and appa listens.....I sing for him......I remember the song "The Summer of 69"...appa liked that song too..
I do hope I have someone like Abhi in my life...will it ever happen??
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wedding anniversary
It was my wedding anniversary yesterday.....
I got married on a full moon day in the month of May, 2006....I had a very very simple wedding, my best friends were there, only immediate family members...hardly 30 people were there....and I cried when Kutty tied the thalli around my neck....3 of my good friends were the ones who told me not to cry...they knew how important it was for me....
Yesterday I told P tat I am not crying...but inside me....tat was a different story....I donno if this is how everyone else feels when they are divorced and they face to their wedding anniversary....how do people cope with all these?
I am seriously thinking of writing a book on how to handle a separation / divorce...how to handle questions from others...how to tell people you are okay when you are not....how to handle birthdays, anniversary, special occasions and life......
Is this wrong to feel down? Am I suppose to be smiling today? It was a lovely wedding saree...I had my favourite colour...purple....Krshna help me please......I stood infront of you on that day and I prayed that you'll take care of us.......Krshna.........please listen to my voice......I need you now........
I got married on a full moon day in the month of May, 2006....I had a very very simple wedding, my best friends were there, only immediate family members...hardly 30 people were there....and I cried when Kutty tied the thalli around my neck....3 of my good friends were the ones who told me not to cry...they knew how important it was for me....
Yesterday I told P tat I am not crying...but inside me....tat was a different story....I donno if this is how everyone else feels when they are divorced and they face to their wedding anniversary....how do people cope with all these?
I am seriously thinking of writing a book on how to handle a separation / divorce...how to handle questions from others...how to tell people you are okay when you are not....how to handle birthdays, anniversary, special occasions and life......
Is this wrong to feel down? Am I suppose to be smiling today? It was a lovely wedding saree...I had my favourite colour...purple....Krshna help me please......I stood infront of you on that day and I prayed that you'll take care of us.......Krshna.........please listen to my voice......I need you now........
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Getting away
I needed to be away from everything.....
Woke up on Saturday morning and I packed my stuff and went off to Gopeng with my 2nd sister. We were going to stay at an orang asli settlement...the drive from Penang to Gopeng took me exatcly 2 hours...it was a beautiful weather...I saw a double rainbow and was thinking of a pot of gold :-)
We had to take a 4-wheel-drive to drive to the settlement, parked my car, hopped on the jeep and we were off to the place and from the moment go, I fell in love with the river, the trees, the coolness and etc...it was simply beautiful...
After about 45 minutes, we were in the midst of the village....our dorm was next to the river, after changing into shorts, I just went to the river and until I put my foot in, I did not know how cold the water would be...it was so fresh, clean, cold, basically it was just soooo nice....
We went hiking in the jungle, up the hills to see raflesia but unfortunately could only see a bud but on the way to see the flower, we went to see butterflies....hundreds of them...on the ground...it was so so so beautiful....I can see them now in my mind as I am writing about them and it is bringing a smile on my face...nice....
I mandi sungai....just soaked myself in water....the only visible part of my body was my face....I just submerged myself in the water for an hour....when I got out, I was freezing till to my bones...but I was not complaining....we just did nothing, listened to songs, I was reading something and I just fell asleep.....there was no bed or mattress, just the floor and it was a good nite's sleep that I had...
Morning, started my journey back on my own...2nd sis took a bus to KL and I drove back on my own to Penang......2 hours of driving alone.......made me start thinking.....while I was there I totally shut down everything....no phone, no computers, no internet and most importantly, no thinking.....
Life will be okay...I keep telling myself that....I keep reminding about my new chapter and my pen and my destiny and my life....I pray that I am not lieing to myself....
Woke up on Saturday morning and I packed my stuff and went off to Gopeng with my 2nd sister. We were going to stay at an orang asli settlement...the drive from Penang to Gopeng took me exatcly 2 hours...it was a beautiful weather...I saw a double rainbow and was thinking of a pot of gold :-)
We had to take a 4-wheel-drive to drive to the settlement, parked my car, hopped on the jeep and we were off to the place and from the moment go, I fell in love with the river, the trees, the coolness and etc...it was simply beautiful...
After about 45 minutes, we were in the midst of the village....our dorm was next to the river, after changing into shorts, I just went to the river and until I put my foot in, I did not know how cold the water would be...it was so fresh, clean, cold, basically it was just soooo nice....
We went hiking in the jungle, up the hills to see raflesia but unfortunately could only see a bud but on the way to see the flower, we went to see butterflies....hundreds of them...on the ground...it was so so so beautiful....I can see them now in my mind as I am writing about them and it is bringing a smile on my face...nice....
I mandi sungai....just soaked myself in water....the only visible part of my body was my face....I just submerged myself in the water for an hour....when I got out, I was freezing till to my bones...but I was not complaining....we just did nothing, listened to songs, I was reading something and I just fell asleep.....there was no bed or mattress, just the floor and it was a good nite's sleep that I had...
Morning, started my journey back on my own...2nd sis took a bus to KL and I drove back on my own to Penang......2 hours of driving alone.......made me start thinking.....while I was there I totally shut down everything....no phone, no computers, no internet and most importantly, no thinking.....
Life will be okay...I keep telling myself that....I keep reminding about my new chapter and my pen and my destiny and my life....I pray that I am not lieing to myself....
Friday, May 8
This is it.......
I woke this morning feeling all queesy.... but as I was showering, I tot, hey this is going to be the first time I am going into court and it is going to be an all new experience and I was a bit excited...aiyooo...what is wrong with me right? sigh :-)
Anyway, tied a blue saree as my anney, doc and lazybones all said the same thing...tie saree and go...I have no idea why all these fellas had the same idea about me and saree....I was there early, waiting for P to come and searching for coins...when it was time to go, I forgot to put the coins in the machine...memang lost soul....
P and I then went into court and we both kind of liked the place, it was really nice, if I was there for some other nice event, I would have gone around looking at the building and the architecture...anyway, we were both waiting for my lawyer when I confessed to P that I can't remember his face...memang teruk!!
Finally my anney and his wife and his lil princess came and she became the star in the morning...everyone who looked so solemn on that morning started giving a smile looking at this lil princess with 2 coconut trees on her head:-) she looked cute..she stole some hearts...
We were smiling, laughing, chatting....the only people there I guess who were actually smilling away....the lawyer came and told me to be cool...yeah right!
Well, it was my turn, went into the chambers and I was smiling...is there anything wrong with me? I cried my eyes out last Friday and today, I am sitting infront of the judge and I gave him a big smile...memang gila:-)
My lawyer received shelling from the judge...I was so nervous about the whole thing but when my lawyer was reprimanded by the judge, my whole focus on myself went away, I was worried about what new complications is going to arise now...I prayed to Krshna...told him to make it easy for me...I have suffered enough...the judge finally relented and he signed the order...the whole thing I guess took about 15 minutes...after signing the order the judge looked up at me and looking at my smile, he gave me a bigger smile....
Came out from the chambers and my anney asked if everything is over? I said yes, but I was not crying...that is something right? On the way to the car, I called Kutty to tell him what had happened....
When I parked my car in college, I called Kutty...I told him once many many many years back that if I asked for a divorce I asked him not to give it to me...I reminded him about that...then I asked Kutty if he can be my friend and never let me go....he said that no matter what happened...will happen....he will always love me...then he added tat he knows his term of love and mine is not the same...he said he will be my friend...that's when I started crying....
I woke this morning feeling all queesy.... but as I was showering, I tot, hey this is going to be the first time I am going into court and it is going to be an all new experience and I was a bit excited...aiyooo...what is wrong with me right? sigh :-)
Anyway, tied a blue saree as my anney, doc and lazybones all said the same thing...tie saree and go...I have no idea why all these fellas had the same idea about me and saree....I was there early, waiting for P to come and searching for coins...when it was time to go, I forgot to put the coins in the machine...memang lost soul....
P and I then went into court and we both kind of liked the place, it was really nice, if I was there for some other nice event, I would have gone around looking at the building and the architecture...anyway, we were both waiting for my lawyer when I confessed to P that I can't remember his face...memang teruk!!
Finally my anney and his wife and his lil princess came and she became the star in the morning...everyone who looked so solemn on that morning started giving a smile looking at this lil princess with 2 coconut trees on her head:-) she looked cute..she stole some hearts...
We were smiling, laughing, chatting....the only people there I guess who were actually smilling away....the lawyer came and told me to be cool...yeah right!
Well, it was my turn, went into the chambers and I was smiling...is there anything wrong with me? I cried my eyes out last Friday and today, I am sitting infront of the judge and I gave him a big smile...memang gila:-)
My lawyer received shelling from the judge...I was so nervous about the whole thing but when my lawyer was reprimanded by the judge, my whole focus on myself went away, I was worried about what new complications is going to arise now...I prayed to Krshna...told him to make it easy for me...I have suffered enough...the judge finally relented and he signed the order...the whole thing I guess took about 15 minutes...after signing the order the judge looked up at me and looking at my smile, he gave me a bigger smile....
Came out from the chambers and my anney asked if everything is over? I said yes, but I was not crying...that is something right? On the way to the car, I called Kutty to tell him what had happened....
When I parked my car in college, I called Kutty...I told him once many many many years back that if I asked for a divorce I asked him not to give it to me...I reminded him about that...then I asked Kutty if he can be my friend and never let me go....he said that no matter what happened...will happen....he will always love me...then he added tat he knows his term of love and mine is not the same...he said he will be my friend...that's when I started crying....
Confused
I am the one who was in love with love....
I miss being in love....I stopped saying "I love u" to kutty for sometime but recently I am telling him that but it is not the same.....I do know that things have changed....
Since young I believed in love...a romantic fool....I was in love with love and now not to believe in love is getting on me...what do I do about this? How can anyone not believe in love?? I keep saying I love the rainlah, I love flowerslah, I love my Krshnalah and etc and I can also say I don't believe in love anymore??? Contradicting myself???
May be I am confused between love and lust? I donno......I do still love Kutty but I don't feel the need of him to be in my life...all these while I wanted Kutty...wanted to be close to him....but now I am fine with him being someone I talk to....may be I am closer to Kutty compared to anyone else....I donno...all I know is that I am confused now... I know... something normal in my life....to be confused!!!
I miss being in love....I stopped saying "I love u" to kutty for sometime but recently I am telling him that but it is not the same.....I do know that things have changed....
Since young I believed in love...a romantic fool....I was in love with love and now not to believe in love is getting on me...what do I do about this? How can anyone not believe in love?? I keep saying I love the rainlah, I love flowerslah, I love my Krshnalah and etc and I can also say I don't believe in love anymore??? Contradicting myself???
May be I am confused between love and lust? I donno......I do still love Kutty but I don't feel the need of him to be in my life...all these while I wanted Kutty...wanted to be close to him....but now I am fine with him being someone I talk to....may be I am closer to Kutty compared to anyone else....I donno...all I know is that I am confused now... I know... something normal in my life....to be confused!!!
New Chapter
A new chapter in my life....
I spoke to my 'anney' ....I told T that if I call him by his name, then it means business and if I say anney then it is personal stuff that I want to talk to him...my anney did not know the meaning of the word ... so had to translate anney = abang :-)
Anyway, after talking to the lawyer, I went to my anney and asked him if I am being over dramatic about the whole thing....I asked the same question to P...both of them answered saying no...it is normal to go through this traumatic experience...P said that for others it might be insignificant but to me it mean the whole world tragedy....therefore I decided I am not going to fight this feeling...
Anyway, my anney told me that now I am going to open a new chapter in my life and the new page is all white and it is ready to be written with new happy stuff.....this is what I have heard before but wat was different with my anney was, he said, the pen is in my hands now...he told me to write beautiful poems to fill my life....write how I want my life to be....he told me to take charge of my life...I remember Swami Vivekananda's saying....You create Your own destiny..... I am ready to write beautiful entries into my life...I have a whole new chapter that I can chart the course of the ending....and I am going to make it into a very very beautiful ending like I always wanted......smiling till the end.....
To my anney and P....thx for knowing and understanding me........
I spoke to my 'anney' ....I told T that if I call him by his name, then it means business and if I say anney then it is personal stuff that I want to talk to him...my anney did not know the meaning of the word ... so had to translate anney = abang :-)
Anyway, after talking to the lawyer, I went to my anney and asked him if I am being over dramatic about the whole thing....I asked the same question to P...both of them answered saying no...it is normal to go through this traumatic experience...P said that for others it might be insignificant but to me it mean the whole world tragedy....therefore I decided I am not going to fight this feeling...
Anyway, my anney told me that now I am going to open a new chapter in my life and the new page is all white and it is ready to be written with new happy stuff.....this is what I have heard before but wat was different with my anney was, he said, the pen is in my hands now...he told me to write beautiful poems to fill my life....write how I want my life to be....he told me to take charge of my life...I remember Swami Vivekananda's saying....You create Your own destiny..... I am ready to write beautiful entries into my life...I have a whole new chapter that I can chart the course of the ending....and I am going to make it into a very very beautiful ending like I always wanted......smiling till the end.....
To my anney and P....thx for knowing and understanding me........
To laugh or to cry??
I am really down......
Been a while since I wrote, was not feeling all okay about life...I know this is coming and I had no clue watsoever wat is going to happen...I know the future is not for us to see....but then again...
I remember the song...que sera sera...wat ever will be will be....I guess this is something I have to believe in and hang on to it...
I called the lawyer a while ago and after talking to him, I said I am nervous when he came up to say the most ridiculous thing...he was going..."I should be the one to be nervous as I am the one going to do all the talking to the judge" !! Alamak (that was my exact tot then) what kind of a lawyerlah I got ni :-)
That was when I was thinking...am I suppose to laugh or cry thinking of what is going to happen on that day??
Been a while since I wrote, was not feeling all okay about life...I know this is coming and I had no clue watsoever wat is going to happen...I know the future is not for us to see....but then again...
I remember the song...que sera sera...wat ever will be will be....I guess this is something I have to believe in and hang on to it...
I called the lawyer a while ago and after talking to him, I said I am nervous when he came up to say the most ridiculous thing...he was going..."I should be the one to be nervous as I am the one going to do all the talking to the judge" !! Alamak (that was my exact tot then) what kind of a lawyerlah I got ni :-)
That was when I was thinking...am I suppose to laugh or cry thinking of what is going to happen on that day??
Friday, May 1, 2009
I am scared
I donno what is going to happen to me.....
I am scared of May 8th. I am trying to tell myself I will be okay but I am just not convinced...I just could not convince myself I will be okay...this is hard...
I tot I stopped crying but this past week, my tears are just flowing so easily...I am really lost, I donno what I am suppose to think or how I am suppose to deal with this...I am confused with my feelings....I know this is the next step but nothing prepared me for this...am I suppose to be sad or am I suppose to be okay with this?
I donno what I am fighting....I donno...but I know I am sad....I just know that I am sad and I donno who I want to comfort me....why am I crying? Krshna please tell me what to do....I am crying now...and the sad thing is I donno why am I crying....I have lost Kutty long time back...I donno why I am crying now but I am crying.....
Can I have appa now, I just want to put my head on his laps and sleep there....
Krshna, please help me....
I am scared of May 8th. I am trying to tell myself I will be okay but I am just not convinced...I just could not convince myself I will be okay...this is hard...
I tot I stopped crying but this past week, my tears are just flowing so easily...I am really lost, I donno what I am suppose to think or how I am suppose to deal with this...I am confused with my feelings....I know this is the next step but nothing prepared me for this...am I suppose to be sad or am I suppose to be okay with this?
I donno what I am fighting....I donno...but I know I am sad....I just know that I am sad and I donno who I want to comfort me....why am I crying? Krshna please tell me what to do....I am crying now...and the sad thing is I donno why am I crying....I have lost Kutty long time back...I donno why I am crying now but I am crying.....
Can I have appa now, I just want to put my head on his laps and sleep there....
Krshna, please help me....
Meeting my friends
I met my friends for lunch today....
ESI and Dumbo were in town and I met them for lunch. It was a good meeting...ESI is 7 months into her pregnancy....she looks round:-) Dumbo was teasing her endlessly and it was a jovial mood during lunch....
My god daughter was there, looking all lovely and she loved the bangles...her mom tried the pottu on her but she did not like it...I do think the punjabi suit is going to look nice on my god daughter, J. Dumbo was teasing me of making my god daughter turn into an Indian:-)
J gave me a wonderful hug and a kiss when I said good bye to her...perhaps that was Krshna's way to tell me that I have a daughter as well...
Oh by the way, Dumbo has still not proposed to Jo....only god knows when he is going to do that but he did say the wedding might be next year so we are all crossing our fingers...Jo was there...she looked great and we did not say a word to her about the ring...the first thing I did was to look for the ring on her finger and when it was not there I knew my Dumbo did not pop the question yet!!
I am praying that ESI will deliver her baby girl without any problems and everything will be fine...I know Krshna will make it easier for ESI the second time......
ESI and Dumbo were in town and I met them for lunch. It was a good meeting...ESI is 7 months into her pregnancy....she looks round:-) Dumbo was teasing her endlessly and it was a jovial mood during lunch....
My god daughter was there, looking all lovely and she loved the bangles...her mom tried the pottu on her but she did not like it...I do think the punjabi suit is going to look nice on my god daughter, J. Dumbo was teasing me of making my god daughter turn into an Indian:-)
J gave me a wonderful hug and a kiss when I said good bye to her...perhaps that was Krshna's way to tell me that I have a daughter as well...
Oh by the way, Dumbo has still not proposed to Jo....only god knows when he is going to do that but he did say the wedding might be next year so we are all crossing our fingers...Jo was there...she looked great and we did not say a word to her about the ring...the first thing I did was to look for the ring on her finger and when it was not there I knew my Dumbo did not pop the question yet!!
I am praying that ESI will deliver her baby girl without any problems and everything will be fine...I know Krshna will make it easier for ESI the second time......
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Baby
I want to have a baby...
I am thinking about this for the past 1 week...it is not that I have never tot about this at all, just that I know if I want to have a baby, I better be doing it fast...
I asked doc whether I am going crazy or being dumb for even thinking about this...my doc was not a big help :-) He said it is an excellent idea but asked if I am sure or not and asked me to consider it seriously. I told doc that I tot about it and I am sure I am able to handle the responsibility and that I have all the love to shower on my child and financially I am stable as well...and most of all, I am ready to have a baby in my life...but the only problem is about choosing the guy to have my baby with...when doc suggested about adoption...
It is not that I do not want to adopt but I always wanted to experience the feeling of being pregnant...I want to carry a child for 9 months...I want to be bonded to my baby...I want to tell stories...sing...dance...with my baby while she is in my womb...I want to just love my baby from the day I know of her existence...
My only regret in life is not to have a baby...there was once I was talking to P and she said, the thing she was very surprised with me was when I decided not to have a child with Kutty coz she said from the day she knew me all I wanted was to have a baby.....
I donno why Krshna did not want me to have my own baby...I donno if he tot I would have spoilt a life...I do beleive Krshna knows best and there must be a reason why I was not able to carry a baby...now comes to this question...what is Krshna's big plan for me?
I am thinking about this for the past 1 week...it is not that I have never tot about this at all, just that I know if I want to have a baby, I better be doing it fast...
I asked doc whether I am going crazy or being dumb for even thinking about this...my doc was not a big help :-) He said it is an excellent idea but asked if I am sure or not and asked me to consider it seriously. I told doc that I tot about it and I am sure I am able to handle the responsibility and that I have all the love to shower on my child and financially I am stable as well...and most of all, I am ready to have a baby in my life...but the only problem is about choosing the guy to have my baby with...when doc suggested about adoption...
It is not that I do not want to adopt but I always wanted to experience the feeling of being pregnant...I want to carry a child for 9 months...I want to be bonded to my baby...I want to tell stories...sing...dance...with my baby while she is in my womb...I want to just love my baby from the day I know of her existence...
My only regret in life is not to have a baby...there was once I was talking to P and she said, the thing she was very surprised with me was when I decided not to have a child with Kutty coz she said from the day she knew me all I wanted was to have a baby.....
I donno why Krshna did not want me to have my own baby...I donno if he tot I would have spoilt a life...I do beleive Krshna knows best and there must be a reason why I was not able to carry a baby...now comes to this question...what is Krshna's big plan for me?
Seminar
I smile alot...
I attended a 2 days seminar in Equatorial Hotel and it was not such a bad experience. On the second day, this guy who presented on the 1st day came up to me early in the morning and introduced himself to me. I just told him honestly that he was good yesterday and he replied saying that he saw me smiling all the while he was presenting, I burst out laughing and then I told him, I just am a smiling person....and then we exchanged business cards.
Later in the evening, during tea break, he came to talk and the first thing he said was that he liked my name and it was unique...I told him thanks and told him it is not that unique and I told him I have to thank my dad for giving me that name...he started asking if it was about numerology or etc...I was explaining to him how my name is pronounced and how it was suppose to be written as well...we had a good conversation about studies and children and etc.
At the same seminar, I met a guy who was going on and on about making decisions for his children and that children are not matured enough to make their own decision, when I got irritated and told him it is not wrong for ppl to make mistakes and success is not measured by just on how much we earn...I felt like telling him, as a parent it is his duty to his children to prepare them to make decisions in life and not for him to make the decisions...
Well...1 thing for sure...I am hopeless....
I attended a 2 days seminar in Equatorial Hotel and it was not such a bad experience. On the second day, this guy who presented on the 1st day came up to me early in the morning and introduced himself to me. I just told him honestly that he was good yesterday and he replied saying that he saw me smiling all the while he was presenting, I burst out laughing and then I told him, I just am a smiling person....and then we exchanged business cards.
Later in the evening, during tea break, he came to talk and the first thing he said was that he liked my name and it was unique...I told him thanks and told him it is not that unique and I told him I have to thank my dad for giving me that name...he started asking if it was about numerology or etc...I was explaining to him how my name is pronounced and how it was suppose to be written as well...we had a good conversation about studies and children and etc.
At the same seminar, I met a guy who was going on and on about making decisions for his children and that children are not matured enough to make their own decision, when I got irritated and told him it is not wrong for ppl to make mistakes and success is not measured by just on how much we earn...I felt like telling him, as a parent it is his duty to his children to prepare them to make decisions in life and not for him to make the decisions...
Well...1 thing for sure...I am hopeless....
Monday, April 27, 2009
What is this doubt?
I dono what is wrong...
Someone is flirting with me and somehow I am thinking what is he up to...call me paranoid...call me crazy...but I am starting to think I am not trusting anyone anymore....and that is making me sad coz I want to trust people, I want to believe everyone does say or do things they mean and not out there to take advantage....
I have heard too many cases, too many nice people being hurt and I do not wish to be part of the statistic. I know I am the one who wants the attention, I want love, I want romance and this guy is giving me the attention and not the love or romance yet lah as I am not giving him any chances to move further. I am just being so careful not to fall for anyone...
What is surprising is....I am not swept off my feet....he is sweet...but somehow I am so grounded....not my fairy tale at all....susahnya manusia ni :-)
I kept thinking about my 'relationship' with doc.....I donno if I flirt with my doc but I know I am being myself when I chat with doc and doc somehow talks to me about all kinds of things under the sky...even about ANOVAs :-) Doc never for once made me think what is his motive for talking to me, doc never asked anything from me nor does he make me feel that he is up to something.....but this guy....sigh...sigh...
What is wrong with me lah? I want the attention and when someone is giving me the attention and I scared pula......I am so doubtful......I am suspicious......I am paranoid.......macam mana to meet peoplelah if I am like this?
I wish I can talk to my doc about this......
Someone is flirting with me and somehow I am thinking what is he up to...call me paranoid...call me crazy...but I am starting to think I am not trusting anyone anymore....and that is making me sad coz I want to trust people, I want to believe everyone does say or do things they mean and not out there to take advantage....
I have heard too many cases, too many nice people being hurt and I do not wish to be part of the statistic. I know I am the one who wants the attention, I want love, I want romance and this guy is giving me the attention and not the love or romance yet lah as I am not giving him any chances to move further. I am just being so careful not to fall for anyone...
What is surprising is....I am not swept off my feet....he is sweet...but somehow I am so grounded....not my fairy tale at all....susahnya manusia ni :-)
I kept thinking about my 'relationship' with doc.....I donno if I flirt with my doc but I know I am being myself when I chat with doc and doc somehow talks to me about all kinds of things under the sky...even about ANOVAs :-) Doc never for once made me think what is his motive for talking to me, doc never asked anything from me nor does he make me feel that he is up to something.....but this guy....sigh...sigh...
What is wrong with me lah? I want the attention and when someone is giving me the attention and I scared pula......I am so doubtful......I am suspicious......I am paranoid.......macam mana to meet peoplelah if I am like this?
I wish I can talk to my doc about this......
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Smile
I am smiling....
Saw doc online tadi and the time was 10.50pm ish...and doc put a smile on my face....I have no idea how doc can do tat to me but each time he comes on the chat, he does make me smile...I know when I am chatting with doc, he is one person who understands what I am saying and I really appreciate that.....
Well doc....terima kasih for ending a lovely Sunday.....
Saw doc online tadi and the time was 10.50pm ish...and doc put a smile on my face....I have no idea how doc can do tat to me but each time he comes on the chat, he does make me smile...I know when I am chatting with doc, he is one person who understands what I am saying and I really appreciate that.....
Well doc....terima kasih for ending a lovely Sunday.....
Fair Life?
I had this conversation with doc sometime back...
Doc and I were chatting and in the chat doc said my Krshna is unfair sometimes...I obviously have to defend my Krshnalah....but the thing is, I am the one who beleives that everything happens for a reason. Whatever we think that should not be happening to us, has a reason for it to happen...
I am looking at my own life, I was always always compared to my 2nd sister by everyone...she is the fair and slim, brainy person and etc and I on the other hand is totally the opposite...I know ppl were being unfair for comparing us but somehow I was okay with all that...I knew that I am who I am and from young I knew that I am special in my own way and Krshna created me like who I am for a reason....I am a happy person by nature...eventhough I have gone through lots of pain and hardship, I know I am the one that smiles easily.... I hardly carry a grudge and I am the one who thinks life is beautiful...so there is fairness in the way Krshna created all of us. He knows when He made me, I will be who I am today....blessed with friends, with a heart that falls in love with everything, with a passion for words, with a smile on my face, with a conscience heart and mind....well I am glad for all those things that happened in my life coz now I know Krshna made me strong enough to handle them all....
I donno doc, may be I am not making sense....whatever that happens doc, I do think it is meant to be that way...whether we get what we wish for or don't get it, I think Krshna knows best. He might be thinking that we should not get what we are wishing for coz it might not be good for us...I donno if I am making sense or not but this is what I believe in....if I don't get it means it was not good enough for me and Krshna will soon show me the right path...
Well I do hope doc gets what he needs and deserves in his life....all the best doc...I have high hopes in you and if you have to do it again, I shall get you the forms once again.....keep hoping doc....what is meant to be yours will be yours......
Doc and I were chatting and in the chat doc said my Krshna is unfair sometimes...I obviously have to defend my Krshnalah....but the thing is, I am the one who beleives that everything happens for a reason. Whatever we think that should not be happening to us, has a reason for it to happen...
I am looking at my own life, I was always always compared to my 2nd sister by everyone...she is the fair and slim, brainy person and etc and I on the other hand is totally the opposite...I know ppl were being unfair for comparing us but somehow I was okay with all that...I knew that I am who I am and from young I knew that I am special in my own way and Krshna created me like who I am for a reason....I am a happy person by nature...eventhough I have gone through lots of pain and hardship, I know I am the one that smiles easily.... I hardly carry a grudge and I am the one who thinks life is beautiful...so there is fairness in the way Krshna created all of us. He knows when He made me, I will be who I am today....blessed with friends, with a heart that falls in love with everything, with a passion for words, with a smile on my face, with a conscience heart and mind....well I am glad for all those things that happened in my life coz now I know Krshna made me strong enough to handle them all....
I donno doc, may be I am not making sense....whatever that happens doc, I do think it is meant to be that way...whether we get what we wish for or don't get it, I think Krshna knows best. He might be thinking that we should not get what we are wishing for coz it might not be good for us...I donno if I am making sense or not but this is what I believe in....if I don't get it means it was not good enough for me and Krshna will soon show me the right path...
Well I do hope doc gets what he needs and deserves in his life....all the best doc...I have high hopes in you and if you have to do it again, I shall get you the forms once again.....keep hoping doc....what is meant to be yours will be yours......
A lovely Sunday
Had a lovely Sunday...
I did nothing this Sunday....woke up late, lazed around, had my dim sum....and watched CSI...all three of them. In the afternoon, I watched a Tamil movie and now as I am writing this blog, watching another Tamil movie....
I have so much to do but I am just taking this day off...it feels good...I do think I deserve a day off...don't I?
I did nothing this Sunday....woke up late, lazed around, had my dim sum....and watched CSI...all three of them. In the afternoon, I watched a Tamil movie and now as I am writing this blog, watching another Tamil movie....
I have so much to do but I am just taking this day off...it feels good...I do think I deserve a day off...don't I?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Pink
I am in pink today....
Asked doc what colour saree shall I tie tomorrow and the suggestion was pink :-) I had to drag myself out of bed this morning, I am still tired and lacking sleep...well, I found a pink saree with wild roses....it is a soft baby pink....then tot I shall accessories today with pink bangles and yes I have 2 dozens bangles on my right hand...too much right? But then again...wat else do I get to do that is crazy at work?
Morning as I walked into college everyone was calling me Ms Pinky...that is how pink I am...someone told me to apply lipstick, I obliged so now I have a soft pink coloured lips :-) I know it is not a raving hot red lipstick but somehow I know it is sweet and inviting :-) Now who am I invitinglah? Tak ada siapapun here...sigh....grins...
I am smiling or I am trying to smile and trying to forget about May 8th.
Yesterday evening, went swimming with Ms L and I told her about May 8th, she volunteered to come with me, my anney too said he will come with me, to give me the support I need....I donno if I am going to cry or not when I am there but somehow I know, now, I have two good friends with me there...a Chinese lady and a Malay man to be next to me....Krshna...I know I am blessed!
I will be fine and I promise I will smile...today and always......
Asked doc what colour saree shall I tie tomorrow and the suggestion was pink :-) I had to drag myself out of bed this morning, I am still tired and lacking sleep...well, I found a pink saree with wild roses....it is a soft baby pink....then tot I shall accessories today with pink bangles and yes I have 2 dozens bangles on my right hand...too much right? But then again...wat else do I get to do that is crazy at work?
Morning as I walked into college everyone was calling me Ms Pinky...that is how pink I am...someone told me to apply lipstick, I obliged so now I have a soft pink coloured lips :-) I know it is not a raving hot red lipstick but somehow I know it is sweet and inviting :-) Now who am I invitinglah? Tak ada siapapun here...sigh....grins...
I am smiling or I am trying to smile and trying to forget about May 8th.
Yesterday evening, went swimming with Ms L and I told her about May 8th, she volunteered to come with me, my anney too said he will come with me, to give me the support I need....I donno if I am going to cry or not when I am there but somehow I know, now, I have two good friends with me there...a Chinese lady and a Malay man to be next to me....Krshna...I know I am blessed!
I will be fine and I promise I will smile...today and always......
Letter from my lawyer
Received a letter from the lawyer today...
My court hearing will be on 8th May 2009 at 9am and I am required to wear formal baju to attend the hearing... I did not read pass that page...was on the first page and I started crying..how lah to move on to the second page?
I know it is over....I know for a fact I do not want Kutty to be back in my life...I know why I am crying... I am afraid that now I know for sure that I have no one in my life...I am going to be all alone and I donno how to handle this....it is true that Kutty was never there for me in my life but somehow I know I had him...but now it is going to be over..
Doc told me I will be fine...my 'anney' told me that it is going to be a new chapter in my life, so he asked me to grab a pen and write my own story...make it as beautiful as possible...he asked me to write beautiful poems...to fill my days with joy and happiness...he reminded me the phrase by Vivekanantha.... " You are the creator of your own destiny", Ms L told me it is about time I let go of the float and start swimming on my own.
I am following all these advices and I know all my friends mean well.....somehow I know I will be able to go through this rough patch with the help of all my friends...I will be fine...a mantra I keep saying over n over to convince myself....
This is tough but I know it is something I have to face so that my future looks brighter....Krshna, I can feel that better days are coming into my life and Krshna I thank you for being with me all these times..and I know you will be with me forever.......
My court hearing will be on 8th May 2009 at 9am and I am required to wear formal baju to attend the hearing... I did not read pass that page...was on the first page and I started crying..how lah to move on to the second page?
I know it is over....I know for a fact I do not want Kutty to be back in my life...I know why I am crying... I am afraid that now I know for sure that I have no one in my life...I am going to be all alone and I donno how to handle this....it is true that Kutty was never there for me in my life but somehow I know I had him...but now it is going to be over..
Doc told me I will be fine...my 'anney' told me that it is going to be a new chapter in my life, so he asked me to grab a pen and write my own story...make it as beautiful as possible...he asked me to write beautiful poems...to fill my days with joy and happiness...he reminded me the phrase by Vivekanantha.... " You are the creator of your own destiny", Ms L told me it is about time I let go of the float and start swimming on my own.
I am following all these advices and I know all my friends mean well.....somehow I know I will be able to go through this rough patch with the help of all my friends...I will be fine...a mantra I keep saying over n over to convince myself....
This is tough but I know it is something I have to face so that my future looks brighter....Krshna, I can feel that better days are coming into my life and Krshna I thank you for being with me all these times..and I know you will be with me forever.......
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Pudu
I hate Pudu.....
This is a strong statement, no doubt, but can I still say I hate Pudu...the bus station gives me the creeps each time I am there and I do believe I pray harder when I am in Pudu :-) Last nite was at Pudu and I got ticket for the 9.30pm bus. Went down to the bus waiting area at 9.25pm but the bus was not there and this guy kept coming closer to me....I was screaming in my head asking him to get lost... I do think Krishna heard my prayer coz he sent this Malay guy to my aid...
I donno how grateful I was to see this guy....he just jumped infront of me and as we started talking, the other guy just went away....
This is a strong statement, no doubt, but can I still say I hate Pudu...the bus station gives me the creeps each time I am there and I do believe I pray harder when I am in Pudu :-) Last nite was at Pudu and I got ticket for the 9.30pm bus. Went down to the bus waiting area at 9.25pm but the bus was not there and this guy kept coming closer to me....I was screaming in my head asking him to get lost... I do think Krishna heard my prayer coz he sent this Malay guy to my aid...
I donno how grateful I was to see this guy....he just jumped infront of me and as we started talking, the other guy just went away....
Asking my doc
I asked doc a very important question today....
I asked doc if I can have him...he asked in what sense...I told him...can I have him for emotional support and hugs n kisses :-) Actually I want doc for more than that.....I know you'll be reading this doc...and as I don't have the time to chat with you, let me tell you what I want you for....
I want you to be there as a friend, to tell me that I will be fine, to tell me that this is a beautiful life when I see the ugliness in mankind, to tell me to keep going on when I am tired of fighting it all, to tell me to smile when I forget to smile, to tell me to slow down and smell the roses when I speed through life.....this is the emotional support I am looking for doc.
At this instance I am writing this blog, I am feeling harrassed.....I just want to drop it all and go away somewhere....well doc, can I have you to go away somewhere? I am so into going to Pulau Perhentian since the day Dumbo told me to go there but I still could not find anyone to go with...so doc, can I have you for that?
I am very very sure if my doc is reading this, he is going to freak out and run away from me :-)
Now my question arises.....is this asking too much from my doc??
I asked doc if I can have him...he asked in what sense...I told him...can I have him for emotional support and hugs n kisses :-) Actually I want doc for more than that.....I know you'll be reading this doc...and as I don't have the time to chat with you, let me tell you what I want you for....
I want you to be there as a friend, to tell me that I will be fine, to tell me that this is a beautiful life when I see the ugliness in mankind, to tell me to keep going on when I am tired of fighting it all, to tell me to smile when I forget to smile, to tell me to slow down and smell the roses when I speed through life.....this is the emotional support I am looking for doc.
At this instance I am writing this blog, I am feeling harrassed.....I just want to drop it all and go away somewhere....well doc, can I have you to go away somewhere? I am so into going to Pulau Perhentian since the day Dumbo told me to go there but I still could not find anyone to go with...so doc, can I have you for that?
I am very very sure if my doc is reading this, he is going to freak out and run away from me :-)
Now my question arises.....is this asking too much from my doc??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)