The day I fall in love...

I spent my weekend in KL....

Well, I did not fall in love over the weekend, it was far from that. It was actually a date, he had asked me over many times and I was not really into it. Somehow the weekend before that I decided to get my flight tickets and just go down, why not was the question in my head. K-A said, give it a try, meet people to get to know them, take the step....and yes, I took the step.

It was a pleasant weekend, I enjoyed the quiet time when he went to work. I just spent reading my book and once I was done with my book, I took one of his numerous books. I realized it has been sometime since I read two books in a day! (A reminder to myself: need to catch up with my reading). I cooked a simple lunch, waited for him to come back and we had lunch together. 

We started chatting, from 4pm till 3am. Numerous cups of coffee (for me) and tea (for him). The fruit cake I had baked came in handy while we chatted. What did we talk so much? About our past, our present and our future. While talking, my mind was assessing the situation, will I want to marry someone like him? He is a nice guy, listens to the small things I said. i.e. I told him I am still an old fashioned gal, still likes it for the guy to open the car door for me and buy me flowers etc. Well, I didn't get any flowers but he still opened the car door each time we went for a drive. 

He carries a big emotional baggage. He repeats the same issues over and over. I just listened, the man is rattling away, all I can do is listen. I noticed that I have the patience to listen, for him to complete what he has to say, sometimes probing him further to express himself. I summarized for him what he was telling me, tried to make him see what he is going through. I was being the teacher in me. My inference is this: I have a simple life; my close circle of friends are those I can trust very much; I have wonderful people in life who gives me good advice and feedback when I am facing any issues; I am happy with life; I have no regrets; I made my life choices and I don't complain about them; I have roughly charted how to lead my future and I leave it to God to guide me; I believe in God more than anyone else.

It was a reflective weekend. I did make a note to myself that some people have everything on their plate but still could not appreciate it. I am grateful for all that my Krishna has given me, I do have a blessed life. 

No one's life is perfect but I do love my imperfect life, it is rich and colourful, it is what made me who I am today.

Well, I did ask myself, was I looking for love? The answer was yes. Did I find love? The answer is no.  

I saw this on FB today, perhaps a message from my upper walla. I will know when I look into his eyes and that would be a first for me...the day I fall in love..

My India Trip ..... again

My 2nd trip to India this year....

This time  a holiday planned in the beginning of the year. Six of us, K-A & mom, Han & Lean, Akka & I, are visiting North India. 

Irfan on the shikara

First stop Srinagar Kashmir. When I was planning the trip, I communicated with a number of travel agents. A couple of the agents were recommended by friends and a few I found online. I was narrowing down my options when I met Irfan. I booked an accommodation through Airbnb and Irfan responded immediately. He asked if I need any transportation etc. His emails' & Whatsapp messages were polite and not pushy. I liked him then. 

At the exit gate at the airport, he caught my eye. Nothing was said, he just took my bag and the rest followed us. The drive to the boathouse was nice. He showed us the old town and the new town. Boathouse was amazing! We had our very own butler who was sweet and very helpful and just pleasant. 

Our chauffeur was a funny chap. I asked his name and he replied Delicious! He thought I asked for the name of the apples we saw! Well, I told him I'm going to call him Delicious as that name just stuck in my memory and everyone started calling him the same too, including Irfan. 

Pahalgam

On the 2nd day we went to Pahalgam. It was an adventure riding on a horse to go to the hilltop. Lean and I got the most mischievous horses, they stop all the time to nibble on grass/roots. Our handler didn't know a word of English and I don't know a word of Kashmiri. Somehow we managed to communicate. He sang songs from movies when we pass by certain spots indicating the spots movies were shot.

Beautiful landscapes

The trip up the hill was fantastic. We reached the top to be welcomed by a field of yellow grass. It was just beautiful. The air was super cold. As we descended down hill, Lean and I were laughing and when my horse took a turn, he slipped on the mud and threw me off to the ground. I fell but didn't panic. Nothing felt broken. No bleeding but a bit of sting on my right leg. I did complete the journey all in one piece. When we reached at the finished line, tears started rolling. It finally sank in that I survived being thrown off a horse and I'm ok! My Krishna saved me.  

Dal lake....just mesmerizing

That night at the boathouse Irfan said we could not continue our journey to Ladakh. It snowed the night and roads are not accessible. Snow came early this year. Well, I had my plan B. So we decided to cancel the flight from Leh to Delhi and buy new tickets from Srinagar to Delhi. And we decided next day to visit Sonamarg. We saw white blanket of snow. It was so beautiful. While we were heading down it started snowing.... Purely an experience to everyone, we loved every second of our time in Kashmir. 

With Delicious and Irfan

That night, Irfan took us to his house. That was the moment I was so touched. His family welcomed us into their home, his is an extended family. The kids were entertaining, his mom was sweet, his grandmother adorable. I felt something in me of which I couldn't understand. I felt loved and humbled. Why I don't know... The following morning it was time to say goodbye. Everyone gave Khaliq a hug, he was a gem. He pampered us with tea and coffee and pakora and the incredible home cooked breakfast and dinner. It was time to say good bye to our home for the past 3 days..

We crossed Dal lake. Irfan went earlier to print the tickets. The rest were already in the car, I was out in the cold sorting out our tickets. Irfan went into the car to say bye to everyone. He gave his hand but we ended with a good hug. We both knew that was not right. The guys at the jetty saw us and we heard a sudden burst of excitement. Han noticed that too. I had to thank Irfan for taking care of us, for making sure we were safe. For welcoming us into his life. We told him earlier that we are going to adopt him as our son/nephew. He is just 27, a really good, sweet, responsible and well mannered chap. 

He asked me to come back. I said Inshallah I will be back in September. He said keep in touch even if you are not coming back so soon. I said I will. He has added me on Facebook...yes, I feel I have a family that I can go to in Kashmir.

K-A and I were talking about Irfan. She said she noticed the connection. She mentioned that Irfan and I bonded very well, she was waiting to see if I would hug him knowing that he is so pious and we were surrounded with so many of the local guys. I told K-A, it just felt right when we hugged. We all liked him and we are all missing our sweet boy.

Me waiting at Ajmeer Fort

We flew to Delhi, met Kapil, our guide/driver for the rest of our India trip. From Delhi, we went straight to Jaipur. It was late night when we reached our BnB. A really nice house with a great host. She's an internal designer whilst her hubby an architect. They designed their house. Every piece of furniture felt like they own the house. The lovely host made a wonderful and sumptuous breakfast for us. First stop was Ajmeer fort. I have been to this place 18 years back, nothing changed! I sat out waiting for others finish touring the fort. I looked at people, it was nice. No one disturbed me, the guides were not harassing anyone, not me too. Saw a bunch of Japanese students with 4 bodyguards, the bodyguards looked hunky! An old uncle asked if I wanted to share his prasad, I did take a bit from him. He was happy chatting in Hindi with me and my little knowledge of Hindi helped in communicating with him. I sat there for a good hour plus and was not bored even for a while. 

Han and me

We went to a few other places and did shopping too. I came across a lovely lovely Krishna....He was under the tree with Radha and the tree was full of peacocks....it was just amazing but alas too expensive for me. I was telling Krishna, why are you so expensive to bring home and told Him to find me as I wanted to bring Him home. I almost completed my shopping when I saw Him, my heart melted, I was completely in love with Him....yes, he is back with me...When I was paying my bill, a young chap gave me ladhoo....a very sweet moment as I received my Krishna in one hand and ladhoo in the other hand. The uncle asked if I can come over to the next shop as they just did the prayers for the opening of the new shop for his grandson. I said yes, we were their first customer. I bought a beautiful red saree, everyone bought something and it was sweet to see everyone encouraging and blessing the boy, he is just 20 years old, cute and polite!

Fatehpurshikri

From there we headed to Agra, stopped at Fatehpursikri. A lovely palace built by Akhbar the Great.I went along with the others eventhough I have been here. We were harassed as we were walking towards the palace by so many guides. Once we entered, a guide came to us, asked if I am from Malaysia, I asked how did he guess, he said he was 90% sure about me being Malaysian and another 10% African. I liked him, he was not pushy, he waited as I asked the others if it is ok we take him as our guide. Saleem, our guide, was very entertaining and a good photographer. He knew the tricks of taking photos at the right angle. Saleem was also very sweet, gives his hand out to me whenever I have to cross a stone, unfortunately, he just does not extend his hand for the others! 😊😉😉 

Our guide Saleem

Next we went to Taj Mahal, 3 of us ended up in MacD while the other 3 who has not been to Taj Mahal went in. In MacD, we were greeted with lots and lots of school kids...really tiny fellas. K-A told me later that when I walked to find a seat, the kids started turning their heads one after another to look at my back@tattoo....I was wearing a punjabi suit, so my back was visible and I completely forgot to cover my back! Kids were amused and amazed I guess. We left Agra to Delhi thereafter.

Dipping

Waiting for aarthi

We started our journey early in the morning to Haridwar/Rishikesh. Beautiful drive again. We were in Haridwar about 3pm. Took a dip in the river Gangga....it was so cold but after a while we got used to the temperature. Only 3 of us went in. A gentleman who was in the middle of the river was happily chanting his mantra when I wanted to go in. He extended his hands as he saw me fearing of slipping on the steps. I jolly took his hands and dipped blissfully in the river. We waited for the aarthi, it was beautiful. Everyone waited patiently with me, as this Haridwar/Rishikesh journey was for me. Tears rolled as I sang the aarthi song, the heart was happy, I made it!

One of the things I always wanted to see

The Magnificent Shiva 

Next day, we were off to Delhi and more sightseeing. 

I had a lovely trip. Good friends,good food, lots of laughter and simply a memorable trip. Han said I did some good karma to have found Irfan. He made our Kashmir trip truly memorable and heart warming.

Next trip to India in January, Trichy. Someone said, the way you go to India is like India is just next door!!

Perception

It was my drive home when I remembered something my uncle@mama@my mom's brother told me when I was a young girl....

We call our mom's brothers as mama in our culture. And I had three of them but only knew two of them as my eldest mama was not so close to his family. Well my second mama is a character too but at least a nice character as compared to the third mama.

Anyway, when I was very small, I was this dark skinned plumb little girl. My mama told me I wouldn't be successful and I won't be going anyway, literally I was a lost cause. Whereas he added my second sister will be well educated and go places, all coz she was fair skinned and of course she looked more presentable then me!

Well, fast forward 30++ years, here I am today, been around, doing something about myself, moderately educated but overall I am doing great. My second sister, she is doing great too. There's no difference in our achievements. We travel the world and both of us are professionals and doing well in whatever we are in. 

Conclusion, your skin colour and body size does not define who you are. It is your inner self that defines you, it is your belief system that defines you, it is your humanity that defines you. 

People just have this perception that being dark is bad and evil  and you see no success and etc. Lots of girls still believe in that too. My colleague is getting married soon and she is shopping for her saree. She asked me if this particular colour suits her as she has a darker shade of skin colour. I looked at her and assured her she will look fabulous in any colour she chooses as she is just beautiful and she can carry herself well. Her face just lighted up and it was a joy to see her happy.

I do wonder sometimes on what is wrong with people, why this perception? Why can't they see beyond the skin colour, deep inside we are all the same, we hurt the same, we laugh the same, we love the same...our skin colour does not make any difference!

Whatever colour you are: green, blue, brown, red, yellow, orange..... we, like the rainbow, make life beautiful....

To my mama who said those words to me, he moved on about five years back, he saw me grow up and conquering the world, not sure if he remembered what he told me as a child but I know I am living my colourful life to the fullest. His words did make an impact in my life for a moment, I was very young and I was finding myself but fortunately, his words didn't influence the choices I made in life. 

I created my path, I love my journey and along the way, I still do meet people who make assumption and have their perception but I am strong today to stand tall and say "hey, this is me, all of me".

My 2am chat with my Krishna

I couldn't sleep last night...

Tossed and turned for hours and listened to numerous songs but sleep evaded me for a long time. My usual conversation with Krishna before I hit the sack was "I love you Krishna" and I am flat out. Last night, we chatted, more like I talked and he listened.

I was reasoning to Him why I need someone in my life and the list goes like this:
   i. someone to love me
  ii. someone to give me a hug
 iii. someone to come home to
  iv. someone to tell how my day was
   v. someone to cook for
  vi. someone to go for a holiday with
 vii. someone to hold me  
viii. someone to wipe my tears away
  ix. someone to kill the bogey man
   x. someone to tell me I am not alone....

I dozed off when I was thinking reason number 11. Reflecting back, am I asking too much and being selfish for wanting someone for all the above given reasons. I mean honestly, I don't know what everyone is looking for in wanting/needing someone in their life but for me, my list seems so juvenile...

I wonder if there is someone out there making a list like mine and asking God why he needs a person in his life... 

Why now...

Why now.....

I read these words and it just melted my heart...
             When you arrived, I realized that 
                               Somewhere, I am still alive 
                               I have now started living the wind 
                               And the air that touches your face....

I am 46, yet I still believe in love. After all that I have been through, I am still amazed with myself for still hoping that there is someone out there who will walk into my life and say all these things. I must be either foolish or just crazy or may even be disillusioned...

I know I am living but I do wish I am alive...have almost lost it...

I do thank my Krishna for bringing people in my life...at least they give me comfort knowing I still exist.

Hamari Adhuri Kahani

A beautiful movie that made me cry thinking of my life...

It was a lovely Sunday, start of Purtassi. I woke up in the morning full of energy and started cleaning up the house, changed the pots and pans, washed my front, even the dogs had a bath. Done with all my chores, I was taking a break and tuned onto channel 108 Tara on Astro. They were showing this movie, Hamari Adhuri Kahani....Our Unfinished Story....

The story was about a lady, married with a son, husband missing for 5 years but she was waiting for him, though working to sustain her life and her son's, she was true to her marriage vows. It was more of a tradition and culture that bound her to her vows, not her love for her husband nor the respect for her partner. Five years he went missing, and she went on with life being a florist for a hotel. Her flower arrangements come from her heart and she puts love in all her flower arrangements. The new owner of the hotel walks in and he falls for the flowers...

The story was about how both of them found love and how she understood the meaning of love and marriage vows. He asks her to "come and drench this barren land of my heart". He professes that " A true love story has no end" ...he sings "If paradise is here, why don't I see you.." The movie was sweet....it was about second chances....it was about what is important now, not what society expects from you, not what tradition expects from you...


The struggles she had to remove her mangala sutra was real. Meeting another person or allowing another person into her life was real...it is not easy to break away from what you have always been taught or what you always thought that this is the only way one should live life..

I started crying at the end of the movie, is there really a second chance in love? Is love so possessive? My question to myself was, am I still hoping? Hoping for what? That's a very important question I couldn't find an answer...hoping for what? A better tomorrow? But isn't my today good now and my tomorrow seems on the right path? It has to be love then, it has to be the sense of being part of someone's life, to love and to be loved...

I cried till I realized sometimes things are just not meant to be.... love was just not meant to be in my life..

My Tirumala Journey

I told Him I will be back one day.....

My first trip to India was in 1997, went with my mom and aunt. My dad and mom always wanted to go to India, Tirupati, especially...they did their passport but alas dad moved on before they could go....

A year after dad passed away, I told my mom, let's go India, go and do your prayers as you always wanted to. Off we went to South India, landed in Chennai and we just went to temples after temples after temples till I told my mom never ask me to go to any more temples when we are back in Malaysia as I think I have done enough temples to last me a life time!

It was during the drive up the 7 hills in Tirumala that I decided firmly I will tonsure my hair and it is for my dad. I told God I will come back one day for myself....and I did finally, 20 years later.

All these years, I traveled to many countries, I even went back to India a couple of times but it never occurred to me to go to Tirupati. It happened one day, was sitting at my desk at work and looked out at the sea and I heard in my head, go and see Him, go and shave your hair. I went to my boss, told her I am going to India and I will come back bald, I was not asking for permission, just telling her, I didn't know the office policy...she said ok, then said, may be you can wear a scarf. Then she asked why? Is it a vow that I am fulfilling, I said it is a promise I made, I need to do this for myself.

The idea of going to Tirupati on my own was a bit overwhelming. I have been there, I have seen the crowd and that made me look for someone else to go with. It was by sheer luck my ex-colleague, S, were going to India for a holiday and they invited me to go along, at least till Tirupati and from there I will find my way back. All was good, I was happy, waited for the day eagerly...but just a week before we were to fly off, S's contact in India said he made a mistake in booking the queue tickets and thus couldn't go to Tirupati as planned.

I started calling my friends and contacts in Chennai, tried to find a way, no one could do anything. All the tickets were sold off. The Friday we wanted to go was Vinayagar Charthurthi, a long public holiday....

I told myself, don't worry, He summoned you to come, He will make sure I will be ok....

Came Friday, went to the airport, all was well...more than well. I met my childhood friend, we knew each other since we were 7 years old. Sat together in class, and we were the bestest of buddies. She was my cabin crew...I had such an enjoyable flight to Chennai.

My ride, Anbu, was waiting when I stepped out from the airport, I said bye to my friends at the airport and went on my adventure. First stop, shopping in T-Nagar, now that was very brave of me! The crowd was amazing, felt like the whole of Chennai was out shopping on that Friday. After shopping straight to my friend's place, a cozy apartment along the ECR.

Saturday morning, I woke up early, prayed everything will be ok. Prepared myself to be in a queue for minimum 6 hours and max 12 hours, seriously, I was mentally prepared. I made sure my passport and money was in a water proof pouch.

Kumbakonam Degree Coffee

Rita, the friendly German Sheppard

The journey to Tirumala was beautiful. I saw people working in the fields, kids going to school, people going to work, we stopped at a roadside coffee stall and had an amazing Kumbakonam degree coffee. The owners were 2 old folks, who had a German Sheppard named Rita who started playing with me. From there we stopped at Tirutani but we couldn't go in for prayers, if we want to, we have to wait for at least 2 hours. I told Anbu, it is not meant to be, let's just go to Tirumala.

The drive up the 7 hills was spectacular. We switched off the aircond and just enjoyed the cool fresh air...

Men at work

Once there, after security clearance, it was tonsure time. The place was filled with guys, one guy asked me in Telugu what I wanted to do, half or full.....I have no idea what was half, so told him full! I was not prepared for the splash of 
'dettol' on my head! It was then a thought came to my mind, is he going to use a new blade, how am I going to ask him to use a new blade. My split second thoughts were put to ease, I saw him changing his razor, a new blade, right where I can see him fixing it. It took him less than 2 minutes to clean shave my head. Half way I started crying, it was not regret, it was just joy in me, I am finally doing it...doing it for myself....this means alot to me...Once done, the guy said something again in Telugu, I just looked at him, gave him money and just smiled at him. A random guy gave his hand for me to stand up, I didn't look at him, just muttered my thank you..

After my shower, Anbu again made me drink coffee and eat something, he was very concerned I might take hours in the queue. I entered the NRI/Foreign passport queue just before 12noon. The queue started moving right immediately. There was an older couple in front of me, holding US passport but was born and brought up Indians. Well, I just followed them, they really took care of me, made sure I was right behind of them through all the scanning etc. We thought we would be waiting in the cage like compartments but we were really lucky, they opened the door the moment we were there, no waiting.... not even for a minute!

I was asking the nice lady, are we there yet, she said yes, we are almost there. I was thrilled. Someone asked me something, I looked at him and he saw my confused face, he said can you please give me water. Anbu made sure I carried a bottle of water, in case I will be stuck for long, I did like an obedient child. Lo and behold, I was almost infront of Him! The nice lady was shorter than me and I was behind her...I could see Him, I wanted to tell Him so many things but I was speechless, all I could tell Him was to bless everyone in my life. I saw Him, I can hear sudden bursts of Govinda Gooovindaaa...it echoed in my ears..it was in my mind...it was in my heart.

We moved on, the couple sat down and I followed them and I started crying again. It was so emotional, it was so personal, it was so satisfying. He made it so easy for me, it was just meant for me to be there...We collected our laddos and that was it! I am done.....my purpose to India was a big success! I gave the nice lady a hug and walked out from the temple, towards where Anbu said he will be waiting for me. As I walked I saw him walking towards me, he was surprised, asked if I had prayed, I said yes, asked if I had picked the laddoo, I said yes, asked if I am happy, I said a big YES!

Garuda..naturally carved in one of the seven hills

Loved the idea of stacking up stones to see if their journey will be without obstacles 

A kutty waterfall that splashes onto the road!

The trip down was very quiet, I was still very emotional, I just couldn't believe how He made it all possible! At the exit checkpoint, 2 policemen stopped us, I was surprised, we didn't do anything, we were stopped coz they needed a ride till mid point. Those guys were friendly, asked whether I like their Tirumala and if it was clean etc. I told them I had an amazing experience and am very happy to be there. We dropped them and after a distance another policeman stopped us. He wanted to know if we had drinking water, well, I was still holding on to the bottle Anbu gave me, so we gave the policeman and continued our journey..

I could feel the glow in me, it is a happiness that couldn't be explained...the heart felt full...a bliss..

A happy me :)

I am happy, contended...came back to work and yay, am not wearing a scarf. This is me..happy....just happy...

A 48 year old Dr

I recently came across a doctor...

He was married twice and divorced twice, somehow reminded me of another gentleman who used to introduce himself by making the statement he was married twice and divorced twice! The good news is my other gentleman is married for the 3rd time and has 4 adorable kids....yes, I am happy for him.

Today's entry is about my brief acquaintance with this MBBS doctor. We usually have a very brief "hi" and "bye" kind of chats. He is not from Penang, stays in KL. For sometime now he has been telling me he wants to visit Penang, I told him, please do come, my lovely island awaits you. I even went out of my way to suggest to him where to stay and what to eat etc. He was all excited about the prospect of coming over, it doesn't help to have me as an ambassador who promotes my island to every one. I take special pride of my little island and its wonderful people.

Anyway, the doc was to get his tickets on Saturday, I waited for him to tell me his schedule and I called him. I was a bit of a kay-po (busybody) also la. When I called, he said he was with his mom, can't talk...I was thinking apahal ni (what's the matter)? He called back, said his mom not happy he is going to Penang for the weekend. He said he had a heart attack in 2014, had a stent placed, hence his mom fears for his health!

I was totally totally trying my best not to laugh...... let me tell you why it was funny!

Well, this doctor acquaintance of mine, finishes work every night at 11pm, goes and joins his beer buddies till 4am. This can be at least for 3 to 4 week nights. He starts work at 3pm, guess he gets himself sobered up by the time he reports to work la. He is also travelling, to India at the end of the year...oh ya, did I mention he smokes like a chimney too??? 

Me being me, still couldn't take his answer about his mom being worried for him, so I asked, you going to India your mom okay ka? He said he is going with 9 other guys, well fair enough answer la, anything happens, all his 9 other doctor friends can resuscitate him la.

It was then I realized, my  island is in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, the nearest hospital in my island is thousands of miles away, we are not civilised yet, we still live in caves and some still swing from tree to tree....

All said and done, I told this 48 year old guy to figure out his life. May be it is mummy issue or it might be wifey issue...I did from the beginning told him, come with your family to Penang, mom, wife & kids (he kept insisting he is not attached, not that it matters to me). I am not even bothered to understand why there are such people out there. It is just beyond my primitive brain to rationalize, remember, Penang is yet to be civilized, we in Penang, are not exposed to the rest of the world yet, typical orang utan la.

There's only one thing left to be said....please please don't insult my intelligence...period!

Chaandaniya..

My Mr Moon..

When I was young and my dad was driving at night, I always imagined the moon was following me. I love the full moon, have seen some magnificent displays of full moon rising from the horizon. This morning a sudden impulse to glorify my Mr Moon, hence decided to listen to a couple of my favorite tune...this post is something easy on the heart. I have been in the emo side for the past couple of weeks, coming across sad news and trying to rediscover myself. 

This morning decided to listen to songs to change my mood and came across this song about Mr Moon...a romantic piece no doubt...from Mouna Ragam

                    Nilaavae vaa sellaadhae vaa

Ennaalim un ponvaanam naan

Enai needhaan pirindhaalum ninaivaalee anaiththaenae

Moon, come to me, don't go away from me

I shall be your sky always

You can choose to stay away from me, but your memories won't....

Another all time favorite is from the movie Indira

Nila kaigirathu

Nirem theigirathu

Yaarum rasikevilaiyea

Intha kangal mattum unnai kaanum

The moon is out, shining

Night time is fading

Nobody is enjoying it

These (my) eyes alone, see you

And this was the 3rd song for the morning...from the movie Mast Magan

Tujh bin sooraj mein aag nahi re

Tujh bin koyal mein raag nahi re

Chaandaniyaan to barsen

Phir kyun mere haath andhere lagde ne..

It seems there is no fire in the sun when you aren’t there,

and there is no music in a cuckoo’s singing..

the moonlights rain over here,

but why do I get only darkness in my hands?

                                                                                            Credit: Elena Eliachevitch Moment Getty Images

I have no idea why I love my Mr Moon, I just do and I am happy knowing he is there....

Grieve

How does one grieve?

A mom who lost a son, a sister who lost her brother and a dad who lost his first born...the grieving process of each of them was different from one another. The mom cried each time she sees someone, she mumbles away her darling son is no more, she laments she won't hear his voice ever again. The younger sister who is trying very hard not to cry, she's trying to be brave, steps into the brother's shoes to care for the parents, controlling her own grief, hugging the mom whenever she cries, holds her dad's hand softly. The dad, ah, he welcomes people in, talks to them, pretend he is ok but alas you can catch him looking at the open space, looking lost...a family that is mourning...

Everyone's there, giving advises, God loves him more, he is now resting in peace, time heals, do these prayers for his soul, life is unfair, he is so young, you need to move on.....

I, I chose to keep quiet, let the family mourn. Having someone with you for 26 years and suddenly taken away, it is not easy. Life will never be the same. I won't tell you not to cry, I will let you do whatever you want to do, cry, wail, mourn the way you want. It is your loss, no one has the right to tell you otherwise...

The smiles and laughter might come back one day but it will be missing that particular laughter, no one can replace him but hopefully you will remember his laughter....

Krishna, take care of this family....

I want to live...

Am I really living?

I wake up in the morning, get myself ready to work, work till 5.30pm, gym, meet friends or go home, sleep and I start over the routine day in day out. Sounds familiar? Almost every other person is doing that. Weekends might be slightly different, may be church time, temple time, lunch with family, a nap in the afternoon, market in the morning, cleaning the house etc....sounds familiar too??

We do this day in and day out, before you know it the year ends, we ponder for a moment what happened in the past 365 days, a couple of friends no more in this world, some cousins/nephews/nieces/relative got married, a few birthday celebrations...a few parties, a few drinks...are you nodding your head in agreement?

So, now my question, am I really living? Am I doing what I really want to do? Am I playing it safe? What is it I want to do now?

When I was in my 20s, I was asking the question what is the purpose of my life? Lessons in life, the turbulence I went through, the people I met, the losses I encountered gave me my answer, my purpose in life...to be happy. When I learnt and accepted that is my purpose, I stopped asking the question. I just knew I want to be happy. But now, I am asking, am I living my life?

I am happy, happy in my own way, I love my Krishna, I am comfortable with my relationship with Him, I am at peace, I sleep well at night except the occasional nights where my favorite coffee keeps me awake, I love my job, I love my travels, I love my freedom, I am surrounded with my friends....yes, I am contended.....is this living my life? I have heard phrases, I want to live, not just survive...is this what I am going through now?

Why is it I am not convinced this is really living my life? What is it I am seeking? Really, what is it that I am looking for now?

My Chettiar

He is one of my sweetest friend...

My chettiar appeared in my life about 7 to 8 years back. He is one funny dude, forever cracking jokes and what not over the phone but in person, he is such a shy guy! Through him, I met his mom, sister, daughter and his wife. Now the wife, is another character la....

Well, a couple of days back, he called me. I used to talk to him practically every other day while he drives back home from work. And over the recent years, he changed jobs and but the frequency of calls didn't get affected that much! Anyway he called coz he was frustrated over someone. First I thought it was the wifey..I know...I am bad :) But it was not about the wifey. It was about his colleague.

My chettiar's frustration was not even about work. It was his colleague's attitude. That guy apparently drinks 3 to 4 times a week and that was not even my chettiar's issue. The issue was about his colleague fooling around with other ladies, going for escort service (my chettiar was too polite to mention the word call girls) and now having a relationship with a married lady. I asked my chettiar, why are you angry la? Coz you can't do any of these things is it? He said NO! It is coz the guy is married for over 6 years now and he has a very nice wife. 

This friend of mine was going on and on on how married men should not be cheating on their wives, on what is going to happen to the wife la, on why men do all these nonsense la...

He was so sweet, I was totally amused. I hardly hear a guy being upset with another guy for having an affair or etc. It was really something different...

To my chettiar, please don't change, I love you just the way you are!

I miss my Appa

It was father's day yesterday and I miss my Appa....

The one person who totally accepted me as who I am and never once told me to be otherwise was my appa. He just knew I was different, different from the others, he knew I was the rebel, the one who talked too much, the one who keeps asking all kinds of questions and also the one who showed my emotions openly.

Everyone will say their appa is the best appa and I am never ever going to refute that coz that is the truth. My appa was special in his own way too. That man had patience like a saint! of which non of his children inherited!

I honestly wish I could have done more for him. I didn't have the chance. He left too soon. I just started working and was also still studying, money was something that I didn't have. I never took him for a holiday, not for any fine dining...noting much. Today, when I am able to do all these, he is not here and how I wish I can do something for him...

I was reading all the father's day wishes on fb and all the advertisements and what not, and that made me more sad. As I am writing this, I am crying, I miss him yes, but I think there's more behind these tears. I wish you are here appa, I wish I have a chance to tell you I love you, I wish I can tell you what is in my mind, I wish we can go for our drives, I wish we can eat durians, I wish I can show who I am now....

Would you be happy of who I am today appa? Would you be proud to call me your daughter? Would you still love me knowing all the mistakes I have done in life? Would you approve of my choices in life? 

Appa, please stop my tears....

Losing someone

A morning message that made me sad...

I received a message from my former colleague this morning. My ex staff lost his baby, his wife who was also an ex colleague of mine carried the baby full term, she's due next week and last night their doctor could not hear the baby's heart beat.

This is sad... I kept repeating the word that I am sad... I just don't know what else to say.

Losing a child is never easy. I once read, it is easier for a child to bury her parents but not for parents to bury their child. I remember now how my grandfather was when both his sons died before him. He was so devastated, my grandmother was uncontrollable. My dad was their eldest son, he came into their lives after 10 years of marriage and my uncle came along 10 years later. A very small and loving family. When my uncle died first, my grandparents still had my dad but alas a year plus later, my dad passed away. It was a difficult moment for all of us. I was mourning and grieving for my dad but at the same time, we had to see my grandmother crying for her son. My grandfather was more composed, actually, I can't recall much of my grandfather that day.

When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather did the final rites, I was next to him, holding his hands when he was doing the rites. It was really really sad. And I cried that day not for my grandmother but for my grandfather for losing his sons and his wife of 71 years. That's a long time to have been together with someone. My grandfather passed away a year after my grandmother.

I asked my brother, did you realize we lost the core family, appa's family. My wise brother looked at me and said, no, we are still part of that family, we are their legacy.

Life.

For my friends EK & PS, my prayers for your little angel. He is with God now. You gave him life, but God gave him rest. Be happy with God little one. Uncle Syd will be playing with you... 

Humanity

I am changed...

Was chatting with my sister yesterday. I passed her details last week about my colleague's brother who is looking for an alliance, the girl being my brother in law's niece. Everyone was excited, girl is good la, the boy is nice la, the poruthum is matching la, so on and so forth. Then investigation of the family began, my uncle found out about the boy's dad's profession and they deemed it is from a lower caste. My sister promptly called me and said, please tell your colleague the 'deal' is off. I asked her on what basis is it off? What to tell my colleague?, for that my sister said, just say something.

I then asked my sister a couple of question. First I wanted her to tell me if she is happy married to a guy from a 'good caste'. Second, I asked her, why are we still saying we are civilized people when we behave such. It made me upset and angry. I told her a person's stature has got nothing to do with his caste, it is about him/her, their attitude, their humility, their compassion....it is not their caste that makes them who they are.

I called K to tell her what happened and she asked why am I so upset....

I grew up in a house whereby this caste thing has been ingrained and indoctrinated in our minds since the day we were born and it went on in our growing years. We were made to believe we were better then others, the arrogance and the 'I am higher than thou' attitude was paramount in my family...not just my immediate family but with my extended families too. I can't change much about my grandparents nor their parents mindset, at least I know my dad was a bit more open about this caste thing but not my mom. But, today, though I came from that surrounding, I have changed but I can't say the same about my siblings though. 

Time has changed, it was hard for me to break out, I thought it was not possible for me to do that, coz, if you had asked me if I could marry a guy from a different caste then mine, I might have said no, or taken a longer time to answer but deep inside I know I can't do it. The message was too deep to undo. But it is not impossible, I know it now. Yesterday was a revelation for me, I understand a bit more of myself, I know I can change, and I am not bothered about what my family would say or think of me. This is me, I accept people, regardless their age, gender, sexual orientation, skin colour and finally I can add that I can accept people regardless their caste.

Krishna, thank you for opening my heart. I am only in control of myself. Ask me now if I would marry a guy from a different caste, my answer is yes, a firm yes, without a doubt. This is me, this gives meaning to my life, to my existence, this is me acknowledging my arrogance...at least a small part of my arrogance, I have still have more to go and a long way to go. God created us all equal, if we say we believe in God and we have faith in Him, then, why do we treat indifferently to other caste? God didn't create him? Man made all the rules, and we are so blind to yet follow these man made rules.

Guide me my Krishna....