Dimple walla asked me this question....
I am going on a roller coaster ride on my emotions yet again, this time around it is about having a baby. Oh Krshna, why am I like this? Why do I want something so much in life knowing that it is not possible?
I was talking to some friends and I had mix reactions, a group that says go for it and another group saying no. My abang was telling me to just go and find out every detail possible.. we were talking and I was telling him about how I feel selfish if I am going to have a child on my own..
Anyway, I know the only person I wanted to talk to then was to dimple walla. I did and that is what he asked me, is it a need or a want and I could not answer him. Why was it so difficult to answer this question? Why am I so confused of what I want and what I need? Is having a child a need or a want and what is the difference between these two? Only Dimple walla would be able to do this to me.... ask me questions to make me think from outside my box or my comfort zone...
He was not in favor of IVF, Dimple walla kept telling me to find a partner and have a baby the natural way... I have no idea why he is so sure that I will be with someone 1 day when even I do not have that hope... He told me to follow some steps and to my surprise, I am actually doing it. All I have to do now is to wait and see... who knows, his way might actually work ;-)
End of the day, am still asking, is it a need or a want??
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
All will be well
I know all will be well...
I was feeling very lonely last nite, missed being with someone... the only person I wanted to talk to then was Dimple walla but I had more sense then to call him. Anyway, I ended up talking to my Krishna, I was asking him if it is too much if I want to be with someone? I was talking to him till I fell asleep and just before I dozed off I told Krshna that I am going to temple in the morning and if all is going to be well, then pls do tell me...
I woke up early this morning and yes, I did go to temple and met my iyer. We were talking, he said he did not see me for sometime, it is nice that someone missed me.. anyway, when he gave me my archanai, he gave me a string of malliga poo and that's when I knew all will be well...
This is Krshna telling me .. " Trust in Me and I will lead you..."
I was feeling very lonely last nite, missed being with someone... the only person I wanted to talk to then was Dimple walla but I had more sense then to call him. Anyway, I ended up talking to my Krishna, I was asking him if it is too much if I want to be with someone? I was talking to him till I fell asleep and just before I dozed off I told Krshna that I am going to temple in the morning and if all is going to be well, then pls do tell me...
I woke up early this morning and yes, I did go to temple and met my iyer. We were talking, he said he did not see me for sometime, it is nice that someone missed me.. anyway, when he gave me my archanai, he gave me a string of malliga poo and that's when I knew all will be well...
This is Krshna telling me .. " Trust in Me and I will lead you..."
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Purtassi
A month of fasting....
It has been 14 years since I last fasted for Purtassi. This is a family tradition or so I thought as when we were in Balik Pulau as no one else does Purtassi fasting. Anyway, nowadays lots of people are observing this too and it feels wonderful coz I do seem to fit in!
As I said earlier in my blog entry, this year I want to go all traditional and this is one other thing in the list. It feels great observing this fast. The children are doing it too... it was nice explaining to them why we are observing this and it was nice to have them all chipping in to do work. No one was complaining and everyone was enjoying carrying out the task (at least I hope so they were enjoying themselves). I just feel nice, it is like having the family to live on, I am cooking everyday.. waking up about 5.30 in the morning to make either breakfast or lunch...and in the evening I come home thinking what to cook for dinner...
I know why I am happy...I am reliving my life as when appa was around and that is putting a smile on my face now....
It has been 14 years since I last fasted for Purtassi. This is a family tradition or so I thought as when we were in Balik Pulau as no one else does Purtassi fasting. Anyway, nowadays lots of people are observing this too and it feels wonderful coz I do seem to fit in!
As I said earlier in my blog entry, this year I want to go all traditional and this is one other thing in the list. It feels great observing this fast. The children are doing it too... it was nice explaining to them why we are observing this and it was nice to have them all chipping in to do work. No one was complaining and everyone was enjoying carrying out the task (at least I hope so they were enjoying themselves). I just feel nice, it is like having the family to live on, I am cooking everyday.. waking up about 5.30 in the morning to make either breakfast or lunch...and in the evening I come home thinking what to cook for dinner...
I know why I am happy...I am reliving my life as when appa was around and that is putting a smile on my face now....
An evening with Dimple Walla
I met him....
When I was in KL, we could not meet, he wanted to come at 1am to see me in my sister's house and I thought it was not such a good idea... so we met when he came over to Penang end of last month. I was waiting... :-)
He picked me up for tea, we were suppose to be talking for an hour as he was going back to his mom's place for dinner....but we ended up talking for 4 hours and we had our tea and dinner... we were just talking, I missed that, we were talking and laughing, there are no more arguments on issues, it is just pleasant talk... and for the first time he was talking about his wife and life. I was not jealous, I was not hoping that I want to be in that position or anything like that. I like talking to him, I want to spend time with him but I donno if I want him!!
We had a pleasant time, I was the one who kept asking him to go home while he kept continuing on with our conversation... what did we talk about? Life!
Now as I am writing this, I can think of a phone call I had with him last week... I was on the edge of breaking down...no, not coz of relationship problem or anything like that, I was hitting panic button because of my report!! Anyway, when we were talking we both realised that we were laughing alot and not arguing or being defensive and we both talked about it too... that was what I like about him, the fact that I can just tell him how I feel or how I want to communicate with him and he understands me better these days... may be it is getting to know each other longer makes it easier on our friendship...
I am thinking about him more ( I know P is going to laugh at this statement :-) ) but this is true, I am thinking about him but I am not waiting for him or missing him...not in that sense. I miss talking to him and I would love to talk to him everyday but surprisingly he is not the priority in life. Does is not love, I doubt it is, this is just loving someone whom I enjoy talking to but it is still something more to this....
Whatever it is, I am enjoying myself and that I think is the most important thing to do. I am not going to analyze on what is going to happen in the future or whether he feels the same way as I do, it is just about me, me in the present and that is all that matters...
When I was in KL, we could not meet, he wanted to come at 1am to see me in my sister's house and I thought it was not such a good idea... so we met when he came over to Penang end of last month. I was waiting... :-)
He picked me up for tea, we were suppose to be talking for an hour as he was going back to his mom's place for dinner....but we ended up talking for 4 hours and we had our tea and dinner... we were just talking, I missed that, we were talking and laughing, there are no more arguments on issues, it is just pleasant talk... and for the first time he was talking about his wife and life. I was not jealous, I was not hoping that I want to be in that position or anything like that. I like talking to him, I want to spend time with him but I donno if I want him!!
We had a pleasant time, I was the one who kept asking him to go home while he kept continuing on with our conversation... what did we talk about? Life!
Now as I am writing this, I can think of a phone call I had with him last week... I was on the edge of breaking down...no, not coz of relationship problem or anything like that, I was hitting panic button because of my report!! Anyway, when we were talking we both realised that we were laughing alot and not arguing or being defensive and we both talked about it too... that was what I like about him, the fact that I can just tell him how I feel or how I want to communicate with him and he understands me better these days... may be it is getting to know each other longer makes it easier on our friendship...
I am thinking about him more ( I know P is going to laugh at this statement :-) ) but this is true, I am thinking about him but I am not waiting for him or missing him...not in that sense. I miss talking to him and I would love to talk to him everyday but surprisingly he is not the priority in life. Does is not love, I doubt it is, this is just loving someone whom I enjoy talking to but it is still something more to this....
Whatever it is, I am enjoying myself and that I think is the most important thing to do. I am not going to analyze on what is going to happen in the future or whether he feels the same way as I do, it is just about me, me in the present and that is all that matters...
Selfish
I am selfish....
This is my conclusion on myself on 16th September as I was driving to P's house for lunch. How I came upon this conclusion? I was thinking, which is not something out of the norm.. but anyway, I was thinking why I wanted to have a baby? This issue arised because of 2 happenings, first dimple walla's brother had a baby girl and he sent me a 1 day photo of hers... second was the news from chettiar, he is getting married.....
Anyway, when I was trying to answer the question, I realised I wanted to have a baby for myself, I wanted someone to belong to me, I wanted to doll up a child, I wanted to see my baby grow and become a lady, I wanted to give my baby everything.... that was when I stopped myself from thinking and reaslised that I am so selfish... it is all about my happiness that I am looking at... I was not thinking from the child's view on what she is going to get out of this...
What is wrong with me? I donno if all married couples think before having a child why they want to have one! When I told this to doc, he said I am not being selfish, I am just naturally a woman who has this maternalistic desire to have a child. When I asked Chettiar why he had a child, he said a child completes the family...
This made me think further, does it mean, not have a child means the family is not complete? Then why do people marry? For wanting a child? As I was telling someone, I want to marry a guy because I want to be with him and that is the only reason, it is not for having a child, it is not for security, it is not for my future that someone will take care of me.... I just want to marry someone for this moment, I want to be with him, I want to be in love with him, I want to laugh with him, I want to share my feelings with him and I want to do all these with him now.....
Is this right or.....
This is my conclusion on myself on 16th September as I was driving to P's house for lunch. How I came upon this conclusion? I was thinking, which is not something out of the norm.. but anyway, I was thinking why I wanted to have a baby? This issue arised because of 2 happenings, first dimple walla's brother had a baby girl and he sent me a 1 day photo of hers... second was the news from chettiar, he is getting married.....
Anyway, when I was trying to answer the question, I realised I wanted to have a baby for myself, I wanted someone to belong to me, I wanted to doll up a child, I wanted to see my baby grow and become a lady, I wanted to give my baby everything.... that was when I stopped myself from thinking and reaslised that I am so selfish... it is all about my happiness that I am looking at... I was not thinking from the child's view on what she is going to get out of this...
What is wrong with me? I donno if all married couples think before having a child why they want to have one! When I told this to doc, he said I am not being selfish, I am just naturally a woman who has this maternalistic desire to have a child. When I asked Chettiar why he had a child, he said a child completes the family...
This made me think further, does it mean, not have a child means the family is not complete? Then why do people marry? For wanting a child? As I was telling someone, I want to marry a guy because I want to be with him and that is the only reason, it is not for having a child, it is not for security, it is not for my future that someone will take care of me.... I just want to marry someone for this moment, I want to be with him, I want to be in love with him, I want to laugh with him, I want to share my feelings with him and I want to do all these with him now.....
Is this right or.....
My Black Dress
I bought a black dress....
Went to Gurney Plaza to get a white pants but instead I ended up buying a black dress... it was a lovely lacy black dress, sleeveless and it just fitted me so nicely. Since I do not have beautiful arms to show off, I got myself a cardigan and the whole thing cost me 500 ringgit. I did not blink at all and just charged my card and bought the dress.
I have no idea why I did that, it is not that I needed the dress but I just got it. I was telling Dimple walla about my decision of buying the dress... he said that's okay and as usual we ended up discussing about this.... I know why I bought the dress, it is not often I can buy something off the rack and the dress gave me self confidence... it made me feel I am normal, I felt good in the dress, I felt good about myself... for that Dimple walla said... good!
I'm looking for an occasion to wear my dress....
Went to Gurney Plaza to get a white pants but instead I ended up buying a black dress... it was a lovely lacy black dress, sleeveless and it just fitted me so nicely. Since I do not have beautiful arms to show off, I got myself a cardigan and the whole thing cost me 500 ringgit. I did not blink at all and just charged my card and bought the dress.
I have no idea why I did that, it is not that I needed the dress but I just got it. I was telling Dimple walla about my decision of buying the dress... he said that's okay and as usual we ended up discussing about this.... I know why I bought the dress, it is not often I can buy something off the rack and the dress gave me self confidence... it made me feel I am normal, I felt good in the dress, I felt good about myself... for that Dimple walla said... good!
I'm looking for an occasion to wear my dress....
Chettiar in person
I met my chettiar....
I had to make a trip down to KL in August, was there to meet some people for my work. And of course that was a good opportunity to meet my chettiar. We decided on meeting on Friday evening for dinner.
He picked me up from my sister's house and we went to a cafe nearby. It was a good meeting, seeing my chettiar in person was cool. He can talk, he was a bit nervous in the beginning I think but he was okay by the time we went back home.
Chettiar is someone who is living in his past, I do feel that if he seriously wants to move on with his life, he needs to bury and forget his past. I can see in his eyes that he is not over from everything that had happened to him. I know I am not the person who can tell him how to live his life as I myself do not have a clue on how to live my life!!
I do wish my chettiar well, he deserves someone to love him and treat him well as I am sure chettiar will be doing the same to her. Chettiar is a sweet guy, he is funny and he is just sweet... of course he talks to much la but then again I am not complaining :-)
Here's hoping to have more dinners or lunchs or breakfast with my chettiar ....
I had to make a trip down to KL in August, was there to meet some people for my work. And of course that was a good opportunity to meet my chettiar. We decided on meeting on Friday evening for dinner.
He picked me up from my sister's house and we went to a cafe nearby. It was a good meeting, seeing my chettiar in person was cool. He can talk, he was a bit nervous in the beginning I think but he was okay by the time we went back home.
Chettiar is someone who is living in his past, I do feel that if he seriously wants to move on with his life, he needs to bury and forget his past. I can see in his eyes that he is not over from everything that had happened to him. I know I am not the person who can tell him how to live his life as I myself do not have a clue on how to live my life!!
I do wish my chettiar well, he deserves someone to love him and treat him well as I am sure chettiar will be doing the same to her. Chettiar is a sweet guy, he is funny and he is just sweet... of course he talks to much la but then again I am not complaining :-)
Here's hoping to have more dinners or lunchs or breakfast with my chettiar ....
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