Black

Went wild today...a good thing though..

Bought a black blouse and black flare pants, totally fell in love with the black peice, cost me a bomb but I was thinking, so what? I am working hard for this and therefore I shall spend some on myself to make me feel good...now an occasion to wear it!

To tell the truth, I was looking for something to wear for a pleasant nite out, whether it is going to happen or not, I am just glad I am doing things for myself. I do hope I get my moonlight walk and I am going to enjoy a decent nite out with someone...

Well, here's into ushering a new year full of hope and surprises...

Happy New Year!

Hopping mad

I was furious with myself.... well, I allowed myself to fall in the trap...

I made up my mind that I am not going to get myself involved in any form of relationship and here I was worrying about my salesman coz he did not answer my calls or replied my sms for 3 days. The moment he called, I sighed a relief and then next thing I knew, I was scolding him for doing tat to me. I told him then why I did not want to have to do anything with him, I just did not want to miss/worry/care for anyone coz I am afraid I will be hurt if I allow anyone into my life.

I am fine now, in fact, I am happy now, happy not to be involved with anyone. It is such a freedom and I am treasuring every moment of my freedom. I feel light...I can fly...heck I can soar....

Now, I am going to make a promise to myself....don't fall into the trap!!!

Life

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Beleive everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Saw this from a mail and I tot it was nice.....

My salesman

Well, first of all he is not mine to begin with ( I am almost quoting from a friend's dialogue). He came into my life and made me realise so many things. The purpose of his life was to make me realise what I want in my life...

I want a relationship or any kind of ship that is close to me, no more long distance thingy. I want to hold and touch the person whenever I want...I want to hear his heartbeat if possible every nite...I don't want to have to hide the fact I am married/dating/in love with him. I want to express how I feel openly.

As I was telling my doc, I settled for the least once so now, I am going to go for what my heart wants and if it does not happen, I am fine being me....

Well to my salesman who calls me darling in every other breath he takes, who flirted with me, who made me so excited about going out for a date...I loved the 1 week of his existence. I am happy now, I am happy that I said no...no regrets....

Well world, here I am today, standing tall with my decision and I am happy and proud to be ME!

To love, I am glad I met you and today I am glad I am over you.....

Doc

I do think I have been chatting with my doc for the past 1 month and I am enjoying every moment of it. Doc came into my life and is part of my virtual world these days. I donno if this is going to be a friendship that will last forever or my doc will be missing soon but I know 1 thing for sure...at this moment...doc is here to take care of me...

Doc, if you happen to read this entry....thank you so much for putting a smile on my face everyday...I enjoy talking to you doc, love sharing my laughter and tears, my fears and hopes and every single silly thing that I do. Talking to you about my dad and brothers, telling you all the stories about them helped healing my pain as well...well, doc, hope our virtual hugs will be there forever. thanks doc..

New beginnings

After a long time, I chatted with someone today who made me feel different. It started as a normal casual chat but at the end of the 3 hours of chatting, I was left feeling very special. Lots of feelings that I forgot came rushing in and I really liked them all...

I donno if this is good or not but I am not going to analyse them now...I am going to enjoy how I feel and I have decided that I want to be just happy...

Here's for a new beginning....

Selvvi's wedding

I was going through my entries when I noticed that I have been writing too many sad things in it and I felt that I have to liven it up...

This is a picture taken during Selvvi's reception. I wish her well, I pray everyday that she will be happy always as I want her to be happy...

May God bless you always Selvvi....

I matter

I am still angry and upset with myself while I am writing this.

Please let me make this statement: I will never say that you have not done anything for me. You have done a great thing for me, to show me love but at the same time, you also showed me betrayal, which is something very difficult for me to forget.

I won't claim that you had not taken me anywhere but compared to the time I was with you and ur wife and girlfriend were with you, I beleive you took them to more places compared to taking me anywhere. And you know something, I have all the right to ask you these questions too, why you did not take me to places but you can take everyone else to whereever you want to go.

I still remember clearly when you took your new bride to show her off to your colleagues n friends, you went to bird park, dinners, etc...and that hurts and still hurts and will go on hurting till the day i die..

no matter how much you say or do, my broken heart can never be mended back to the same. the cracks are still there. u can ask me why i m still with you then, answer, i still love you and i just don't know how to live without you..but you, i know u can move on ...well the truth is...u have moved on...u have another wife and a girlfriend to top it up....i m not saying wat u r doing is wrong, who am i to judge u...

all i want is just love and to belong to someone, i want to be in someone's plans, i want to be the one waiting for my husband to come home to eat the food i cooked with love..i want to have a few kids, i want to be there to grow old together with the man i love..i want to do all that...i know u want to do that too but not with me, with someone else...and knowing that hurts everyday...

i know i will pass from this feeling, but at this moment, i know i m crying and for me tat matters...

Let me be

I am tired..tired of being what everyone else wants me to be. I have done lots of things in life, lots of mistakes, lots of right things and I do live my life...and I am happy to be me...and I do wish everyone lets me be me.

What is so wrong if I made a wrong choice, what is so wrong if I choose the wrong path, what is wrong if I married the wrong guy or what is wrong if I bought the wrong car? Why can't I be making my mistakes? How else will I know what is life? If everything that everyone does is the right thing, how do they know the sweetness, the pleasure of being out from one's mistake? When and how do they know the meaning of success when they have not failed?

Well the reason for this entry today is because I am tired of people telling me what I should do when I don't ask for their opinions. I am tired of people looking down on me for the path I have chosen in my journey to live my life.

I do admit..I am foolish, careless, passionate, dumb...but this is me and please...let me be..

Vacation

Yep, went to Athens and Istanbul and it was a beautiful experience. Loved so many things there...roses, weather, strawberries, trams, cherries, coffee and....

But I realised something, I was not in joy, not entirely....why? I donno....comes back to my theory...nothing matters!!

Nothing matters

I donno what is wrong with me these days....I am begining to feel and think that nothing really matters in this world.

I donno why I am feeling this way but I noticed that at the end of the day, no one actually bothers.

I donno what is happening..I donno what had come to me..

I do know....nothing matters...

Books

I have been given the mandate to write books by my friends...and these are the titles:

i. How to get rid of your mil

ii. How to loose weight and stay healthy

iii. Chapters of my life

iv. How to marry and get rid of ur husband

See the type of friends I am hanging out with!!!

Friends

I have to confess, I have always been complaining that life was not fair to me. I went through alot and everytime it feels like someone else is better off then me.

Events in my life made me stop and realise that I am so blessed by God. He gave me so many angels to take care of me. Each angel that He gave to me has their own speciality but bottomline, His angels are all so very gentle, sweet, helpful, caring and most of all been there for me throughout my jouney in life.

I have read somewhere, long time back, that God's angels are actually friends around us, it did not mean much to me then but now it dawned to me how true is this statement...

Angels....my friends..

My paradise

A couple of weeks back it was a very low time for me. I was trying to sort out my feelings...hell, I am still trying to sort out my feelings.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that a couple of weeks ago, I saw this tree in USM that looked so beautiful as it was in full bloom and the flowers were practically every where from the tree top to the roots!

It was magnificent as the sun rays were also pouring on this tree....I have never been to paradise but I certainly do think that if I am dreaming of paradise, this is how it would be....

Laughter

This morning, picked up my friends and we were on our way to have our breakfast and something I said in the car made all three of us laugh so much. It felt good, the soul finally healing.

It made me realise on how fragile is our lives. Here is my friend who is happily married but at the moment she feels threatened as her mil is staying with her. In the begining she was actually thinking that she wanted to leave her husband if this situation is going to persist. How true about life...what is the most important thing in this life? Our love? Our freedom? Or space?

I do believe that being good has its disadvantages as people you love might take you for granted...but then again may be that is love..

I am really confused about this thing called love, probably my expectations of love is so different from other people. I am trying to fit in as everyone else but I am slowly giving up! Guess this is another reason for me to laugh out loud!!!

Silence

Been silent for a long time now. Been through alot as well...probably the reason for my silence...

I am starting back...my life.... somehow, whatever I went through in my life for the past 6 years seems to be a dream and I am finally waking up from that dream. I am trying hard not to face reality but I know it is about time I stop hiding behind this blanket called love!!

I think I am going through a healing process now, I have mourned and I have griefed and now I think I am starting on a new journey.

This is tough, 6 years of my life I spent it on lies...lies to make everyone else happy but me. I do think that the lies I told made my family made them think I was happy...why did I do this, so that the man I loved so much will be in the good books and so that I could save a bit of dignity.

I know what I did was not worth it but then I again I did coz I was desperate for love..I wanted to belong to someone, it was vry important to me but alas I married a person who thought my love was not enough, my dedication was not enough as he had to marry someone else of his family's choice.

He felt what he did was justifiable, I should understand and I would understand and I tried to understand...because of love, I tried my very best to understand and accept it. I wanted very little in my marriage, just for him to love me and be there for me but alas I did not get what I wanted.

I hoped and I prayed that he will always think of me as I thought his love for me was as strong as mine was for him...

I will never blame anyone for this, I was a victim, so was the other girl....

I will remain silent about this injustice as I found out, not many out there understands the pain I am going through!