He is my Ensem Boy...
That is how I refer him, my EB. His real name? I still have no clue!! At this moment he is the one I openly express my flirtatious self. I have no idea how we met and when we started chatting but it feels like a long long time.
My EB calls me BE, I asked him why BE? What does it mean? He said it is the opposite of EB. Yup, a simple answer that made me laugh. He comes up with the most amazing spellings, i.e. EB @ Ensem Boy! I wouldn't have thought the spelling in a million years! He makes me laugh with all the silly things we chat. Sometimes I call him sayang, it just comes naturally especially when I want to make a point...
I recall chatting with him when his mom was not well and when she moved on. The message he sent was one of the most memorable ones in my heart, he said something like "mom is on her way to met her maker". That message touched the core of me, I saw the beauty in departing this world, I felt it was so beautiful, when it is my time, I will be looking forward to finally meet the one I love and cherish most, my Upper walla.
I ask shamelessly for hugs n kisses from him. And he obliges without a wink. All this in chats but when we meet in person, we hardly even shake hands! I had told him a million thank yous...for letting me say "I love you". It is important for me to utter the words, least I forget I have a heart that is capable of love. I sometimes just want to believe someone out there still takes the trouble to listen to me and says he loves me too.
My EB, you don't have to be next to me, you just have to be my virtual friend, a friend who entertains my silly demands for hugs...
I am not sure if you understand how much it heals my lonely heart EB, by just saying 'I love you' before I sleep at night gives me so much comfort.
Thank you my EB. I love you...
Had a melt down a couple of days back...
My eldest niece finally agreed to get married to her long time partner, they met when they were both in Lower Six, it is a 10 years relationship with lots of ups and downs and drama! I was happy for her. Last year I had a chat with her, told her it is okay if she doesn't want to get married but chose to live with her partner. I had to brainwash her mom, my sis in law, that it is okay to be in a committed relationship. Anyway, it was a joyful occasion for her and her now husband.
As for me, the usual happened. I was alienated by my second sister and her hubby. They made me feel I was not needed there and that I did not exist. I was truly hurt, I am used to be ignored but somehow it still affects me. Been learning to be detached to everyone, but somehow I still am looking for that sense of belonging.
I realized last night that they have successfully made me feel that I am orphaned and all alone in this world. That reality hit me hard...at that moment, I did not turn to my Upper-walla, I just started crying. I forgot I have Him in my life, I totally didn't reach out to Him. Made me think, I just wanted to wallow in self pity....that's my fault, entirely my fault. I have said over and over that I have my Krishna with me but when I really need Him, it was me who did not turn to Him.
Lesson I learnt from this drama, life is short, if people choose not to be in your life, you have to just walk away. Don't wait to be invited back. I have to just chose to live the way I want, if I have to be on this journey on my own, so be it.
I have my Krshna and He has given me good friends, I am happy.
As a friend this morning said "Life is a journey, learning.. never a mistake"
When I first spoke to DW on Sunday night, he was blabbering away, asked him what is it that you are trying to tell me, he said he don't know how to make me feel better. My dear friends, all I want is acceptance, to love and be loved. Am just a simple girl looking to belong...and I found it, at least for now, I know I belong to myself and to my Upper-walla. I am His, wholeheartedly...
A good morning message for me from one of friends....
Each and everyone of us have our purpose to be living this life. God has created us specifically to go through this life the way He wants it to be. We just have to not forget how awesome we are!
Cheers to life, it is beautiful....
