1.01am

I had a conversation at 1.01am on Wednesday morning...

Dimple Walla/Starbucks (DW/SB) will be in town on Friday next week and I need to go to KL that weekend as my flight will be from KL to China. Hence I called him to ask if it is okay for me to follow him to KL and he said yes, he will be leaving to KL on Sunday after lunch.

As usual, we did not end our conversation there, it just went on with lots of topics to be discussed. We talked about being vegetarian and eating garlic and onion, we talked about Tamil, we talked a number of things... and the conversation led to funerals, Tamil funerals to be precise.

I was telling him that it is sad/cruel when they remove the thalli and break bangles of the widow during the funeral and to my surprise DW said that is the right thing to do. Apparently according to him, the widow is psychologically prepped to say that her bond with her husband is thus non existence and hence the that ceremony will do her good. Further to that, his family will present to the widow a white saree. I was really shocked when I heard that and asked him, "why don't you stop all these", forgive my ignorance here for a moment, I thought DW is different a bit from other Indian guys, hence I thought he will condemn to such actions but to my amazement, he said 'why should I? This is the procedure and that is the right thing to do"....

I was lost for words for a while and I did tell him that I am so disappointed in him. I told him that I thought he is one person who thinks outside the box and how could he ask anyone to be in a white saree and stop wearing bright colours or any colours for that matter. To that he asked me, when I got my divorce, did I remove my thalli... I told him, when I decided to be out from my relationship with Kutty, I removed 3 things: my thalli, my minji and the kungumum I put on my forehead. The bangles, the colour, the flowers all remained in my life as these were the things I was using even before I got married.

Personally, I would be okay if I choose to wear if my husband dies but not because society wants me to do so. I will remove my thalli, I will remove my minji and I will also respect the fact I am not going to be putting flowers on my hair... I might choose to do alot of other things to respect the memory of my husband but I seriously do not like this man-made procedures that is so biased. Why isn't it that a husband who lost his wife have an identity as a widower? Wearing a white saree, no pottu, no flowers that is how a widow should be then how about the widower? His life goes on as normal is it?

Another thing that upsetted me further was that DW said, a widow who is a mother should not be there at the front line during her child's wedding. Now tell me, how narrow minded can DW be? A mother who brought up the child is not allowed to stand there at the mannavarai just coz she has lost her husband? I mean she was the one who brought up the child for Godsake, she was the one who was there when the child cried, she was the one behind every move of her child's life and this big important chapter in her child's life and she is not allowed to be there.

I really really was disappointed with DW, I expected more from him, I did tell him about it as well... I did ask him why are we arguing about this, it is a matter of opinion and his opinion just does not matter to me...

It was 3.31am when we ended our conversation. I donno if he was arguing with me for the sake of arguing or was this his stand in life....

Dumbo's wedding

My best friend got married on 22nd May....

Yeap, after a long wait, Dumbo tied the knot. It was a beautiful church wedding, I was there early as he wanted me to come there to help out at the church. I was in a purple saree, the saree my mama gave me on my wedding...

It was a simple wedding, not many people there, just close friends and family members. Jo looked smashing in her wedding gown and of course my Dumbo looked good in his tux. After the ceremony the couple walked down the aisle and Dumbo stopped and gave me a hug...it was nice, my Dumbo finally married...

I went for the dinner earlier as well as I was needed to usher in the guests. When I was there, Dumbo's mom entrusted me with the ang pows, so his sister in law to be and me were happy receiving guests and taking the ang pows :-) I would actually say that even my own wedding I did not recieve so much red packets :-)

The dinner was fun, I met my 'thamby' who came alone so that he could spend more time with all of us, W came with her hubby, Panjang came alone, WS came with his wife and well the gang was there. I was mercilessly teased by everyone there... W's hubby wanted me to sit with him, he now understands me, he knows how close I can be with the other guys but not with him. We had fun, we were laughing, we spoke for hours refusing to leave the wedding hall and we just caught up with old times...

May 22nd was a wonderful day... am just happy...

Saturday afternoon with Dimple walla

He came to my house...

I was suppose to meet dimple walla for dinner on Friday nite. He called me on Friday morning asking when am I free today... as usual, he did not wait for my answer and just said he will pick me up at about 8pm for dinner. Well I give up arguing with him... but just before 8pm, he messaged saying he could not make it on the nite and wanted to meet the following day at 2pm.

I replied no, can we meet at 3pm instead and he was upset about me changing the time. Seriously, dimple walla thinks he is the only person/agenda in my life!! I called him and we agreed to meet for breakfast at 9.30am and he did give me a fair warning saying that if he manage to wake up that early...

Anyway, I slept well on Friday nite contrary to my own jugdement.. I was not excited nope, am not fooling myself... I was just okay about meeting him. I was up early and gave Romeo, Juliet and Hamlet a nice long bath and cleaned up the front. I took my shower and I think I was ready for breakfast before 9.30. While waiting for him, I started doing my work and it was about 10 something that he messaged that he will be there by 11 as he just got up!

By now my tummy was making a bit more noise as I was seriously getting hungry and I had nothing in the house to eat....I just carried on with my work and finally at just before noon, he called me to say he has to cancel the appointment and hopefully we can meet next year. I said no problems but in my mind, I was scolding him and was thinking what am I going to cook now... I was about to put the phone down and he said he is actually out now and he is at Lebuh Pekaka..... right infront of my house.... and that was when I started scolding him:-)

I asked him to give me a moment to shut down my notebook when he said he wanted to come in. Now, last nite I did ask him if he wants to meet the dogs as he said he has one sitting right at his feet while we were talking, his mom's dog, but he declined the offer. Anyway, I thought he wanted to use the washroom and so I said, fine, park your car and just come in. Dimple walla is scared of the dogs...the 3 guys were not even barking at him!!

He came to the house and he saw my Krshnas and then he came to the kitchen and was checking out my kitchen and the backyard. We were sitting at the dining table when he asked if he can use the internet as he wanted to check his mails. I told him the net connection is in my bedroom and it is upstairs and asked if he was okay with that? My mind was working very fast, trying to figure out the condition of my room and I was seriously hoping to hear him to say no but he did not!!

We went up to the room and he got a schock of his life when he saw all the bears and soft toys. I only introduced him to Teddy, told him Teddy is 32 years old and he was impressed. Thank god Teddy is younger than him :-) Anyway, I set up the net connection and switched on the air cond and told him I will leave the room, he said no, stay in the room with him. We were talking while he was using the net... once he finished, he said, you really like Krshna and I told him that is an understatement!!

Dimple walla was nice, he did not say or imply anything else when we were alone in the room. We finally went for lunch, he took such a long drive and I was wondering what is wrong with this guy. Over lunch we were chatting away as usual, not so much of arguing these days but more laughter and more communication. We were talking about the Indus civilization and he has his on theory which of course only applies to him lah!

I asked him a question, whether he thinks he is superior than others and his answer did not surprise me at all... he said yes... and that made me laugh out loud. He laughed with me too and he was trying to explain why he thinks so... this is a guy full of ego and lacking greatly on humility..... this is my dimple walla and I do not expect anything less from him. He knows I can just accept him as who he is and finally I can see that he is accepting me as who I am....

We finished our lunch in 3 hours, we had a good conversation and I seriously had a good time with a friend. I know I like him alot, it is nice to have to someone to talk to and the fact that I do not meet him all the time is good too.

I am not sure when I am going to see him again... may be next year or may be sooner but whatever it is, I do wish him well. I like my dimple walla as he is and no matter how I feel about him, I just would love to be his friend and only as his friend as that is the only relationship I can afford to have with him...

I am wishing on the stars

A song that I love the lyrics...

I am wishing on the stars...
To follow where you are...
I am wishing on a dream...
To follow what it means...

And I am wishing on the rainbows that I see...
I wish on all the people who really dream..
And I'm wishing on tomorrow, praying it'll come..
And I'm wishing on all the loving we've ever done...

This is an old song, I just love the part that she says "and I am wishing on the rainbows that I see.." I always believed that dreams gives us hope for tomorrow and I still believe in this saying...

Beautiful song to fill my heart with dreams, stars, hope and rainbows...

The Brothers

I met 2 of his brothers...

On Monday, Dimple walla's thambi called and asked if I am free to meet him for coffee, I said yes and hence he came over after work...and along with him was this guy, the guy who I met the first time I met Dimple walla, the guy who was introduced as a friend...

When I saw 'the friend' I realised that he was so so alike Dimple walla, I mean not a replica but when you see him, you would know they are brothers. Now how did I miss the resemblance when I first met them beats me... I guess I was paying lots of attention to Dimple walla that I did not notice 'the friend'.

Anyway, I asked them if they are related and the answer confirmed my doubt.... I was talking to thambi most of the time, he was telling me about his new born baby and his elder son and was sharing his wife's photo. Out of sudden, both brothers were asking me why do I not get married... I was surprised by that question but still gave them an answer but I doubt it satisfied them. The brothers actually self invited themselves for lunch and was actually requesting me on dishes to cook. I was put in a spot of saying no, I did try my best to use the dogs as to prevent them from coming but they are kind of okay with dogs.

The guys were telling about their family, the number of siblings they have and etc. They asked me to invite dimple walla for lunch as well and when I said no need since he was in KL, these 2 brothers were looking for dates to come over to my house...

I am all okay with the thambi, but the 'so called friend' really irks me. He flirts with me, flirts very openly as well. I am still upset/angry with him and I just wish I can tell Dimple walla about his brother but I am not going to do it. I am able to handle the situation and all I want to do is to slap the brother no. 2. He is immediately after Dimple walla and the thambi is after him. Somehow thambi is a very jovial person, he smiles alot and laughs alot too and I really like him but I could not say the same with the 2nd brother... I am upset with him coz for me, I am his brother's friend, how can he flirt with me??? It feels so unethical and so yucky...

Abang saw me with the 2 brothers and of course I was complaining to abang about them on Tuesday morning. Today when I was going to go out for lunch, I told abang I am going out and he was asking which brother am I going out with... My abang is teasing me now and I am scolding him for making fun.... sigh...

Anyway, I am thinking of giving up on all 3 brothers... oh yes, the 2 brothers were actually asking if they can bring others as well for lunch for which I asked if they are bringing someone on the purpose of match making and if they do, both of them will be dead meat...

I really donno what is bothering me... why is it someone coming for lunch is bothering me, I love to entertain, I love to cook but why am I thinking too much about this? I am sure Dimple walla is not coming and I am not inviting him over, it is just the brothers... and I actually insisted that thambi brings his 2 yr old son... but I am still not inviting them over... may be 1 day i might.. and if that happens, I am sure it is going to be a long entry here :-)


I do hope it is the brother that I want is coming for dinner and staying till breakfast :-) Oh Krshna, what is so wrong with me? Hoping for the forbidden fruit.... sigh

My Krshna

Some of my favourite Krshna pictures.... The baby Krshna that I have on my table at work, He sits at the base of my monitor and I see him every morning when I am at work...

This is the baby Krshna I have in the living room...

I love this Krshna, have a CD cover of this Krshna...

The look of serenity and love....Krshna holding 1 end of the flute and Radha making the tune..

This is the picture in my bedroom, I wake up every morning looking at this image...

Krshna and his calf.....

Krshna collage that my niece, K, sent me on Krshna's birthday this year....

A beautiful Krshna & Radha.... these are some of the images and pictures and figures I have Krshna.... I feel so blessed...Thx Krshna....

Hey Rum!

R in my life...

Have been chatting with a guy for a couple of weeks now and he is a decent guy. He is married and has a beautiful girl who loves playing cricket. I enjoy my chats with him, I call him sayang, dear as I would do with everyone I am comfortable with.

I am not sure what is R's role in my life, I do beleive everyone we met does not happen by chance. R is here for a purpose and whatever his purpose is to be, I know it will be a good positive purpose in my life...

At the moment, I tell him my menu almost everyday. He will happily invite me to whereever he is travelling too and I accept his offers graciously :-) I keep telling him that 1 day his wife is going to come and skin me alive :-)

I would love to meet R with his wife and daughter. He talks fondly about them, it is nice to see the love in his chats. I do pray that Krshna blesses R and his family.

Let's hope this is a beginning of a beautiful friendship... thx Krshna

Consultation

I passed......

Yeap, 14 weeks of sleepless nites, hypertension, neck pain... all were paid off when I cleared my consultation presentation and passed the module...

It was a good day on Sunday, I was at Tesco Seberang Jaya waiting for my partner at sharp 7am. I donno whether I was nervous or not going for the presentation, I knew I have done my part and this is just to tie it all up. We had a pleasant drive, it was raining and the hills looked so clear and covered with mist. My partner kept saying he has never noticed such things but since I like all these, I kept pointing out to him all the things I was viewing and enjoying and he was a happy participant... and when I cried out of joy after seeing the rainbow, he just joined in with my happiness...

We had a good day in the university, I was happy with my results, he is still waiting for his, it will be a week before he would know if he passed or otherwise... deep inside me I know he would pass!

Our drive back to Penang was really interesting, as usual, we were talking, not looking out at the scenery but just talking. I told him about what happened between Kutty and me and my partner, D, was so mad. He kept telling me I have to stop all communication with Kutty and he kept saying from a guy's perspective, no other guy would want to be with me if I am still in a relationship with Kutty. It took me a while to explain to D that I am not in a relationship with Kutty, I am sure of that now...very sure!

D asked if I am involved with anyone, I said no, but I told him I do like someone but it is forbidden as the guy I like is a married man and it is a sin! I told D that I like Dimple walla but I also realise I like talking to him, having a conversation, for that D said, you are looking for a matured conversation... I said yes, that's it, that is all that I want from Dimple walla..

I enjoy my conversation with D too, I like the way he takes charge on matters, it is easy, I do not have to plan or think when I am with him... we did not go for lunch yesterday as I am still fasting and when I told D it is okay, we can go for lunch, he refused, saying that he has to respect my belief... how sweet...

Anyway, D is on the lookout for me, he asked if I am okay about different races, I said yes, religion, I said yes too... and I was telling him about my Dumbo and people I hang out with. He should know better since I am closer to him compared to the others in the cohort!

It was a good and rewarding Sunday.... the fantastic drive, the blessed scenery, the good result and finally a great friend to be with....

Babies

Krshna came to my house on Saturday.....

It was the 3rd Saturday for Purtassi and I invited 3 families for prayers and lunch at the house. The first family had 2 sons, an 8 year old and a 4 year old and of course the 4 yr old is my favorite guy. His birthday is on 21st of March, 1 day before mine and we both get along very well.

The second family, has a baby boy, 10 months old and this cute little guy really kept jumping to come to me. I am not sure if he was attracted to my red blouse or he just wanted to be with me. He was so cute and adorable.

The third family has a daughter who is 1 year and 10 months old and yes, she came to me as she wanted to play with the dogs.

My 4 yr old boy went to the kitchen and took the appalam before prayers and his mom was feeling so guilty but for me, I thought, Krshna has blessed my prayers, He actually came for lunch... somehow I know I feel right in my heart.

This is life... simple and happy....

Want or Need?

Dimple walla asked me this question....

I am going on a roller coaster ride on my emotions yet again, this time around it is about having a baby. Oh Krshna, why am I like this? Why do I want something so much in life knowing that it is not possible?

I was talking to some friends and I had mix reactions, a group that says go for it and another group saying no. My abang was telling me to just go and find out every detail possible.. we were talking and I was telling him about how I feel selfish if I am going to have a child on my own..

Anyway, I know the only person I wanted to talk to then was to dimple walla. I did and that is what he asked me, is it a need or a want and I could not answer him. Why was it so difficult to answer this question? Why am I so confused of what I want and what I need? Is having a child a need or a want and what is the difference between these two? Only Dimple walla would be able to do this to me.... ask me questions to make me think from outside my box or my comfort zone...

He was not in favor of IVF, Dimple walla kept telling me to find a partner and have a baby the natural way... I have no idea why he is so sure that I will be with someone 1 day when even I do not have that hope... He told me to follow some steps and to my surprise, I am actually doing it. All I have to do now is to wait and see... who knows, his way might actually work ;-)

End of the day, am still asking, is it a need or a want??

All will be well

I know all will be well...

I was feeling very lonely last nite, missed being with someone... the only person I wanted to talk to then was Dimple walla but I had more sense then to call him. Anyway, I ended up talking to my Krishna, I was asking him if it is too much if I want to be with someone? I was talking to him till I fell asleep and just before I dozed off I told Krshna that I am going to temple in the morning and if all is going to be well, then pls do tell me...

I woke up early this morning and yes, I did go to temple and met my iyer. We were talking, he said he did not see me for sometime, it is nice that someone missed me.. anyway, when he gave me my archanai, he gave me a string of malliga poo and that's when I knew all will be well...

This is Krshna telling me .. " Trust in Me and I will lead you..."

Purtassi

A month of fasting....

It has been 14 years since I last fasted for Purtassi. This is a family tradition or so I thought as when we were in Balik Pulau as no one else does Purtassi fasting. Anyway, nowadays lots of people are observing this too and it feels wonderful coz I do seem to fit in!

As I said earlier in my blog entry, this year I want to go all traditional and this is one other thing in the list. It feels great observing this fast. The children are doing it too... it was nice explaining to them why we are observing this and it was nice to have them all chipping in to do work. No one was complaining and everyone was enjoying carrying out the task (at least I hope so they were enjoying themselves). I just feel nice, it is like having the family to live on, I am cooking everyday.. waking up about 5.30 in the morning to make either breakfast or lunch...and in the evening I come home thinking what to cook for dinner...

I know why I am happy...I am reliving my life as when appa was around and that is putting a smile on my face now....

An evening with Dimple Walla

I met him....

When I was in KL, we could not meet, he wanted to come at 1am to see me in my sister's house and I thought it was not such a good idea... so we met when he came over to Penang end of last month. I was waiting... :-)

He picked me up for tea, we were suppose to be talking for an hour as he was going back to his mom's place for dinner....but we ended up talking for 4 hours and we had our tea and dinner... we were just talking, I missed that, we were talking and laughing, there are no more arguments on issues, it is just pleasant talk... and for the first time he was talking about his wife and life. I was not jealous, I was not hoping that I want to be in that position or anything like that. I like talking to him, I want to spend time with him but I donno if I want him!!

We had a pleasant time, I was the one who kept asking him to go home while he kept continuing on with our conversation... what did we talk about? Life!

Now as I am writing this, I can think of a phone call I had with him last week... I was on the edge of breaking down...no, not coz of relationship problem or anything like that, I was hitting panic button because of my report!! Anyway, when we were talking we both realised that we were laughing alot and not arguing or being defensive and we both talked about it too... that was what I like about him, the fact that I can just tell him how I feel or how I want to communicate with him and he understands me better these days... may be it is getting to know each other longer makes it easier on our friendship...

I am thinking about him more ( I know P is going to laugh at this statement :-) ) but this is true, I am thinking about him but I am not waiting for him or missing him...not in that sense. I miss talking to him and I would love to talk to him everyday but surprisingly he is not the priority in life. Does is not love, I doubt it is, this is just loving someone whom I enjoy talking to but it is still something more to this....

Whatever it is, I am enjoying myself and that I think is the most important thing to do. I am not going to analyze on what is going to happen in the future or whether he feels the same way as I do, it is just about me, me in the present and that is all that matters...

Selfish

I am selfish....

This is my conclusion on myself on 16th September as I was driving to P's house for lunch. How I came upon this conclusion? I was thinking, which is not something out of the norm.. but anyway, I was thinking why I wanted to have a baby? This issue arised because of 2 happenings, first dimple walla's brother had a baby girl and he sent me a 1 day photo of hers... second was the news from chettiar, he is getting married.....

Anyway, when I was trying to answer the question, I realised I wanted to have a baby for myself, I wanted someone to belong to me, I wanted to doll up a child, I wanted to see my baby grow and become a lady, I wanted to give my baby everything.... that was when I stopped myself from thinking and reaslised that I am so selfish... it is all about my happiness that I am looking at... I was not thinking from the child's view on what she is going to get out of this...

What is wrong with me? I donno if all married couples think before having a child why they want to have one! When I told this to doc, he said I am not being selfish, I am just naturally a woman who has this maternalistic desire to have a child. When I asked Chettiar why he had a child, he said a child completes the family...

This made me think further, does it mean, not have a child means the family is not complete? Then why do people marry? For wanting a child? As I was telling someone, I want to marry a guy because I want to be with him and that is the only reason, it is not for having a child, it is not for security, it is not for my future that someone will take care of me.... I just want to marry someone for this moment, I want to be with him, I want to be in love with him, I want to laugh with him, I want to share my feelings with him and I want to do all these with him now.....

Is this right or.....

My Black Dress

I bought a black dress....

Went to Gurney Plaza to get a white pants but instead I ended up buying a black dress... it was a lovely lacy black dress, sleeveless and it just fitted me so nicely. Since I do not have beautiful arms to show off, I got myself a cardigan and the whole thing cost me 500 ringgit. I did not blink at all and just charged my card and bought the dress.

I have no idea why I did that, it is not that I needed the dress but I just got it. I was telling Dimple walla about my decision of buying the dress... he said that's okay and as usual we ended up discussing about this.... I know why I bought the dress, it is not often I can buy something off the rack and the dress gave me self confidence... it made me feel I am normal, I felt good in the dress, I felt good about myself... for that Dimple walla said... good!

I'm looking for an occasion to wear my dress....

Chettiar in person

I met my chettiar....

I had to make a trip down to KL in August, was there to meet some people for my work. And of course that was a good opportunity to meet my chettiar. We decided on meeting on Friday evening for dinner.

He picked me up from my sister's house and we went to a cafe nearby. It was a good meeting, seeing my chettiar in person was cool. He can talk, he was a bit nervous in the beginning I think but he was okay by the time we went back home.

Chettiar is someone who is living in his past, I do feel that if he seriously wants to move on with his life, he needs to bury and forget his past. I can see in his eyes that he is not over from everything that had happened to him. I know I am not the person who can tell him how to live his life as I myself do not have a clue on how to live my life!!

I do wish my chettiar well, he deserves someone to love him and treat him well as I am sure chettiar will be doing the same to her. Chettiar is a sweet guy, he is funny and he is just sweet... of course he talks to much la but then again I am not complaining :-)

Here's hoping to have more dinners or lunchs or breakfast with my chettiar ....

28 July ...once again

My second year going through this date....

It was 7 years back... yesterday I was doing everything possible to get myself not to think about it, I went for a movie and while watching the movie my mind was still thinking about my life. I was not asking what went wrong, I was not thinking what I would have done differently if I knew I was going to be alone on this day, 7 years later... my mind just did not know what to think and that was what I was thinking... how much sense is in this, I have no idea but this is what happened to me the whole of yesterday...

I managed to hang on, it was at the end of the day when I was talking to my chettiar that I asked him to tell me that I will be ok... I just need to hear the words... somehow that is something important for me... no matter how much I tell myself I will be ok, I just need the assurance from another person...

I am going to face many more 28 of Julys in my life and probably I will be the same as I was this year... I have no idea if there will be a day without me thinking about Kutty... a day without me thinking about life... a day when it will all be really really ok....

I am happy now but why is it in my heart I am questionning myself if I am reallyhappy or am I am just saying it? I don't need anyone else to doubt me, I doubt myself! Hopefully end of the day... all will be well....

The Priest

Oh God.....

Am going to temple every Thursday and Friday these days. All these while, when I go to temple, I won't say a word, just pray and leave and the whole duration I spend in the temple is less than 5 minutes but these days as I am making archanai, I am there a bit longer.

There is a priest, a young priest, who seems to be talking too much, to me and that is my problem... After my second visit, he came to me and said that I remind him of Meenakshi, with a puzzled look I asked him why, he said my tattoo looks like a parrot... oh dear oh dear... I told him it is a butterfly and he came near to check it out and that freaked me. I thought this is going to be a one time conversation but boy oh boy...

Everytime I go to temple he will say something, he will comment if I am not in a saree, he comments on my hair, my fingernails, the way I eat raisins..... he just have things to say! I have gone on complaining to everyone possible about him, Dimple walla said it is justified that I whack the priest, my chettiar finds it amusing, Doc thinks that is cute, my colleagues find it amusing... What I have decided to do is to bring someone, anyone, a guy to whack the priest... I am just waiting for that someone now :-)

Oh ya, he has changed my name too.... he added Meenakshi to my name.....what did I do? I just let him be.....

Starbuck's brother

Yeap, I met his brother....

I have no clue why I am being introduced to one by one of his family members :-) Nope, nothing is happening between us, just that I know about his younger sister, now his younger brother and I also know that his elder brother is married and lives in KL.

His younger brother, he is cute, kind of looks up at the big brother. We went out for tea and to get to the place, we had to cross the road. Knowing how nuts I am about crossing the road, I told starbuck's brother that I will hold his hands and I did and we crossed the road. Somehow I know I would not have done that if it was just me and SB. Anyway, during tea, as usual, SB and I got into an argument and we totally forgot his brother was there. We only realised that he was there when we heard him laughing.....that was bad!!

I am happy these days meeting people.. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, I donno what life is all about... but it is good.. as I am making a choice that life is good...

My Chettiar

He came into my life through Shaadi....

Yes, I am registered on Shaadi, a matrimonial websites and I did come accross a number of interesting encounters and the most interesting would be my chettiar....that is how I call him, my chettiar and he seems to be okay to be called so.

Chettiar and I have lots in common, he too lives without a partner and he too could not move on eventhough he is convincing himself he is ready to move on .... just like me. One day when I was talking to him, he was saying about all his plans were dashed, his dreams, his life...somehow it hit the right cord in me too....I know what he was saying, if felt as if I was saying that to myself...that was the moment I knew that chettiar and I are in the same boat and that he would understand me when I moan and groan once in a while on all the things that happened in my life....

He is fun to talk to :-) I am loving every moment I talk to him as I am distrubing him every moment, he is being teased, flirted with and bullied all the time....he knows I am having my fun and my chettiar retaliates too...he is a great teaser as well :-)

He has a beautiful daughter, 7 yrs old who lives with her mom. Listening to him talking about her melts my heart and on her birthday, he called me and he started crying. My heart went all out for him...he was in pain...great pain. I told him to start a new tradition, celebrate her birthday again when she is with him, take photos and start new memories...chettiar kept saying that he was never in any of his daughter's birthday photos.... He was out from her life when she was barely 6 months old... I donno what exactly happened in his life but whatever it was, the pain is always there for everyone!

Life goes on, I keep telling him that, chettiar brings my spirit up when I am down and I do the same to him too. We seem to understand somethings, it is not that we agree to everything but somehow it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who is not able to handle this life!

I do hope I will be part of chettiar's life, as a friend, if he wants to... I am okay too if he decides to leave as I do think I know his purpose to walk into my life. It has been more than a month I have been talking to my chettiar and I am beginning to know him better each day... as for him, he says I am giving him shocks everytime I talk to him!!!

Hope this is a beginning of a beautiful friendship!

Long break

Four months of silence.....

Ya, it has been four months since I last wrote and many things have taken place within this space....I met a couple of new characters...attended a couple of weddings...went for a holiday and yes, like I mentioned many interesting things have taken place during this time....

I shall start writing again.....there is so much to write, so little time......no, I shall not give excusses, I shall just start writing and I shall try to find time to write......

It is good to write.....it frees my soul.......

Relearning life

I am relearning life....

Last week, I woke up from my slumber to realise that I can't stand being me...I am talking the physical me, not the inner me. I actually understood why my mom did not like me, I stood infront of the mirror and all I could see is the ugly me, I could not see even a bit in me that I thought is beautiful....

Then it hit me, I have been lying to myself all these years, I keep saying I am beautiful inside and that is important. I always say that I am special, unique and I am who I am...but why am I doing that...I have to ask myself that question! I have been telling or consoling myself, I know I am not pretty hence to overcome that I've been telling myself that I have inner beauty...what inner beauty....that was the next question!

I decided on that day that I am going to stop talking to everyone. First I messaged Kutty to thank him and to apologise to him, thanked him for marrying me coz when I saw myself, I knew no one would want to be associated with me, no one would have wanted to introduce me as his wife....well Kutty did love me at one time.... I apologised to him for making his life tough, he had a choice not to marry me, but he did and he went through hell just because of me....

Then I set on telling all my important friends of my decision to go on hiding...I need time to know myself, to love myself, to be able to look at myself and not think that I am ugly..basically, I have to be okay with myself.....I received mixed reactions from every one of them...

I am taking this time to relearn how to live.....I am going on a journey that is giving me so many paths to choose and I am surprised that I am able to see all these different paths....I do know Krshna is accompaning me on this journey....

Vegas

I got a proposal on 14th February....

Oh yes, I was alone on 14th February and was online when this guy waltz into my life... it was funny how I responded to him... he sent me messages but I could not reply to him, I am not sure what was wrong with yahoo on that day and this guy was going it was my karma today that I am not chatting and etc... he really made me so curious that I actually added him to my ym and started chatting with him and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

He was decent... he was Malay hence he asked me to go to Vegas to marry him :-) We were talking about all kinds of nonsense, from food to religion to everything.. We even planned on how to go to Vegas from KL:-) Oh ya, he introduced me to Rumi's poems... he even recited them when we were on the phone... and me biasalah, fell in love with the love poems....

That day, I was chatting with him from 10pm till the next morning to 8am.. in the middle, his electricity went off and he called me and we were talking for about 2 to 3 hours on the phone when his phone went dead and we continued on the chat...

We were happily talking for 2 days and his birthday was on the 23rd of February where I promised him I will send him 999 roses and 991 kisses :-) I did do that.. I sent him an email with 999 roses in it with 991 kissess...

Unfortunately, my Vegas guy is missing in action.. I don't know when I will see him again or if I will ever chat with him again.. but 1 thing for sure, he was my valentine for this year... it was lovely to have someone on valentines day..eventhough he was just virtual...

To the guy who stormed into my valentines day and proposed marriage...thank you for making this valentine bearable....

Trust

Trusting is a big issue for me.....

I was chatting with dimple walla and I realised trusting someone is something I am not capable of doing. I don't know when I stopped trusting people or what incidents in life made me stop trusting people... is this bad? I have no answers to this...

Now I am wondering, will there ever be a time when I will actually allow someone to catch me when i drop? Will I be trusting someone that much to give my love, life and soul for the person to take care? I donno if this is ever going to happen but if it did, I will surely write about it here!

I did tell dimple walla this.. I do not know him enough for me to trust him... the issue is not about him, it is me, the issue is about me allowing people to enter into my space...

To trust or not to trust... that is the question now!!

Joy and Sorrow

A poem by Kahlil Gibran given to me by a friend....

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall....

Something beautiful sent to me by an offline message... I thought this is a piece that holds lots of truth in my life at this moment....

8 years

It was 8 years back that I met Kutty....

I met Kutty on 8th February 2002. It was 7am and it was in Butterworth. I was so nervous, I did not have a clue how he would look like... I was waiting near a big young coconut, that was my landmark and he was on the phone trying to walk towards the car and the moment I saw him, I fell in love him....

I can see it all in my mind and at this moment as I am writing this, there is a smile on my face. Those were sweet memories. We went for a drive after dropping his colleague and her husband back on the island and we went for a drive. I could not bring myself to look at him, for the first time in my life, I was actually shy meeting someone :-)

He made me look at him and the next thing I knew he gave me his ring... we were sitting in the car and were facing out at the sea and he said this ring shall always be with you... the ring was too big, so he told me to remove my chain and he added the ring to my chain and he wore it for me... well that was sweet and romantic.....

When Kutty called, I did ask him if he remembered the day....of course without a doubt, he could not remember the date la :-) Anyway, I am happy now, happy I met him and happy I had that moment in time.... there is no regrets that I met him on that faithful day that changed my life forever.... as I always say, everything happens for a reason....

Krshna, thanks for all the memories, good and bad... I know you made them all so that I will learn to accept life the way it should be.......

Sanjaya and Miss Pinky

Sanjaya has a friend.....

Doc sent me this pic, he got a mate for Sanjaya and doc n I happily named the new addition to the family as Miss Pinky...

Can I say I love my doc for being so sweet? Well doc, love you loads... I miss our chats... and my virtual hugs ..... I am really wondering, how many men would actually take a snap of a teddy bear and send it over to me??

The other day in class, my students saw this pic and I told them the story of how doc carried Sanjaya into the hotel coolly... all the girls were impressed :-)

When I told doc about it, he said it was easier to carry a teddy bear instead a lady into the hotel... this kind of answer will only come from my doc... once again can I say I love you loads doc? :-)

Living

Who am I living this life for.....

I fell sick on Saturday, vomiting and diarrhea and was not able to do anything else but to let my mind wander, hence to the question on who am I living my life for... I sent 3 ppl the question, P, doc and dimple walla... All 3 answered I am living my life for myself... now for a person who was already down, that answer did not satisfy me but I just accepted it until dimple walla added a few more sms to this.

He asked me if I could feel life, taste life, touch life etc and I answered yes, I can feel my pain, taste my tears, touch my tears.. for which he said I am being pessimist. I was feeling like a total crap on Saturday nite and I did not want to be cheerful, I choose to be sad, I choose to be crying, I could have brushed off my feelings then but I knew I had to cry, to let it out, I can't be strong all the time, I had the whole house for myself and I just wanted to cry...

Was talking to him over the phone and I did get angry, I donno why dimple walla ticks me, but I was upset with myself for allowing myself to be angry but I am learning, learning to calm myself when I talk to dimple walla. I could raise my voice to him and he does that to me too... according to him, he says someone has to take command.. I am just letting it be, not saying anything to retaliate.. what I noticed was, from wallowing into self-pity I managed to get angry and get out from the feeling of hopelessness......

I might never find an answer to my questions... I will never know what is the purpose of my living in this planet but that does not mean I am going to stop looking for the answer. Like what doc said, put my trust on God and let Him guide me. Yes doc, that is what I am doing... as I told you, I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life or what I told dimple walla, I want my life to be witnessed by someone... I am not sure if I will ever be able to live a life without questions but I shall try to learn to look for answers not only within me but outside me too...

I shall live my life for myself...thanks P, doc and dimple walla for giving the answer....

A mail from Dimple Walla

He wrote something beautiful in the mail...

Have you ever heard about the story called "The Parable of a Pencil"? Its a very interesting and inspirational story. Pencil was innovated by the utilization of a substance called grafite which has carbon components.

Think of a pencil where one end you have the writing part of grafite and the part of Malaysian natural resources called rubber....or there is an eraser attached to the pencil.

Many people use the pencil to write something good, something nice, somethung lovely, something erotic, something romantic, something sexy, something useful, something factful, something unique and many others. However, not many people able to erase someone's sorrowness, someone's disturbing feelings, someone's hurting feelings, someone's bad experiences, someone's unstable mind, someone's guilt feelings and many others.

There is a saying, which sounds...."if you could not write happiness on others like a pencil just be an eraser by erasing people's sorrowness".

Dimple walla is a sweet guy and this is a nice piece that he has sent me. I remember abang telling that I have a new chapter in life and the pencil is in my hands now and I can start writing beautiful memories... now I know I have Dimple walla to tell me that I can also erase memories that I do not want by using the same pencil....

Krshna, thank you for bringing all these ppl into my life... I am forever grateful for all your angels...

Love and life

Am not going to let anyone into my life...

Monday evening, I was having dinner with P when I told her this: I am okay to have short term happiness rather than long term sadness.... This came upon the fact that just the nite before I was talking to abang when his little girl screamed athai... that really made my day and I was happy for that moment in time... I like my theory about life on this... it is okay to have happiness here and there rather than sadness all the time..

I have been in love relationship that was hurting me all the time and at this moment, I can only associate love with hurt and not happiness. I used to be in a life whereby I did not know what was happiness... I was always afraid to be happy coz each time I was happy, amma would say something and spoil my day... I remember so many occasions that I will be crying becoz of her remarks... may be that is the reason I smile alot.... just to hide the fact that I am a very sad person inside me? hmmmm.. well anyway, all is fine now...

And this grand theory of mine made me realise that I am not going to even attempt to find anyone to walk into my life and to share my life with someone else. I am going to be on my own.. I have decided not to meet anyone anymore... it is just too hard to handle a heartbreak... call me a coward but I am fine with that too...

As I was asking P today, will I ever fall in love again, she said yes, then she continued, it is now about what you want to do about it that matters and to that I replied that I will stop talking the moment I know I am falling for the guy.. am not going to allow anyone into my mind.. I do not want to play any mind games...

So conclusion... happiness in short burst is all okay for me!!

Songkla

I fell in love ......

Ooohhhh I love this feeling of falling in love... this time with a town.. Was in Hat Yai and Songkla for 2 days on a business trip. On the 2nd day, Thursday, we started off to Songkla after breakfast, the drive was wonderful..

I fell in love with Songkla after seeing the beaches and the lake... it was wonderful... I could feel the breeze.. I could smell the sea and I could see the sandy beach and the waves rolling into the shore and crashing on the rocks....

I did ask my boss if I can just stay here :-) It is a laid back life... people were friendly... I could hardly understand the language and that I guess was what attracted me most. It would be a challenge to live in this place, I would be working hard to understand the culture and language and their life style... I know I am running away... as I asked my abang, why do I want to run away from my current life... I know the answer, I want to begin my life all over, from scratch, learn to re-live.... unlearn everything I know and start everything new....

Now, shall I do it or not??

To be missunderstood

I am being missunderstood.......

When I was in KL for the interview, Dimple walla came over for a visit. We were talking for about 6 hours and our topic of conversations ranged from politics to religion to wearing head scarf to everything else....

I made him a cup of coffee before he left and I went on for my breakfast and left for the interview. Over in HELP, I met the guy who called me for about a million times and we had coffee together. Later met with my friend, A, and showed me to the library where I found a very nice book on psychology and I text Dimple walla about the book and said he would enjoy reading it...

On my way back, I told dimple walla that I would like to give him the book as a gift and he asked me the purpose of the gift.... and I told him I have no hidden agenda... that msg made me analyse a bit more than I should and I knew that there was something I have to clarify... so when I was chatting with him 2 days later, I did ask him what was his thoughts about me getting him a book... that was when he talked about the coffee... he said that I was seeking attention by making coffee... hmmmm, yes, that was the moment I was so disappointed with Dimple walla.

I did explain myself to him, that I just do things, for that he said ppl just don't send someone from the island to the mainland... hmmmm.... the only thing that was on my mind then was that he does not know that I have driven aunty so many times to Kuala Kedah or take Ms Liow around where ever she wants to go and I do not expect anything in return for doing whatever I do. I did not tell him about all these... he said my gesture of being nice will be taken advantage by ppl. I tried to tell him who I am, but I realised it is not possible as he has already missunderstood me not once but a couple of times now..

I am not going to justify to him why I do what I do. This is me, I just do things that I know is not against my principles or conscience mind... I might be termed as stupid or dumb for doing everything that I do but as I always say, it is okay, this is me and I like the me in me!!

I donno why I do things the way I do them... I know all that I have done in the house were never appreciated but I can't be otherwise.. I can't be turning a deaf ear when help is needed.. I do think God made some ppl like me and others not like me to balance the universe, not everyone can be Dimple walla nor everyone can be me or doc or Mrs C or anyone else for that matter...

I was hurt for a couple of days for being missunderstood... it was not the fact that I was missunderstood, it was the fact that I was missunderstood by him, I expected dimple walla to be more open minded or to have been a better judge of a character...

As I told him at the moment we were talking for 6 hours... I am a very different person now compared to a year or 2 back... I have changed so much but there are still characteristics in my life that I would not change... I like being me.... as for Dimple walla, it is okay for him to missunderstand me... it is his right to think the way he wants to... as for me, I am just being extra careful with my words when I am with him but I know that is not me.... at the end of the day, it just does not matter anymore...

I am coming to a conclusion that I am okay to be who I am and I am going to let ppl be who they are... life is to be having fun.. live and let live!!!

Sunsets

I am falling in love with sunsets....

I always liked sunrise and sunsets but never really did fall in love with them. These past couple of weeks, I am seeing beautiful sunsets and that prompted me to make this entry...

Yesterday evening, on the way back, I saw sunrays and I told doc about it...doc as usual is the only one I share about the things I see and I thought he would like to know about my sunrays...after a while, the sun was setting and it was a big orangy ball at the horizon and slowly settling in behind the hills....it was so beautiful, I doubt my words here justify the beauty of the sun setting!!

On Tuesday, I went to Butterworth to pick Dimple walla and on the way, I had to cross a river and the sun was again was just setting across the horizon and the reflection of the beautiful colours on the river just took my breath away.... I was talking to abang when I was looking at this beautiful sight ... I was gald I was sharing about my experience with my abang at that moment...my abang is becoming very real to anney... he was listening to me so patiently and that was nice...

Looks like now I am in love both with the sun and the moon...oooohhhh I am so blessed!

Tuesday, 19th Jan

Two things happened today....

Dimple walla is coming to town and he has time to meet in the evening ...he was here at 7pm and from the moment I picked him my dimple walla was joking away. He is a fun person to be with. We went to Pelita for a drink and he had his roti canai....I volunteered to drop him at his mom's place in Tanjung Tokong. We were chatting and discussing and it was surprising to know that my dimple walla is against gay marriages. It was interesting to know his reason...his eyes lights up when he talks about motherhood....I donno why that is so important to him but somehow it is....

Well tea time went to be dinner time and we had our dinner in Pelita too...I am not sure how many hours we were there but it was rather long...after dinner we went driving and ended up at the beach in Batu Feringhi and that was when I fell in love...nope, not with my dimple walla but with the sea!! It was such a windy night, the waves were strong, the sky was clear and the stars were twinkling and of course the company was great. We sat there looking at the nite, cruise ships looked tiny boats with lights decorating them which can be seen at the horizon, the light house in Mukah Head was shinning brightly.....dimple walla was humming a song...

It was lovely, sitting there and having a conversation.....we talked nothing but we talked something ... am I making sense? It is okay, I realised it is not a crime to be senseless at times...

I dropped my dimple walla after midnite in Sunway Carnival, he was meeting his brother there...I do wish I could have given him a hug before he left...that would have ended my evening perfectly....oh no regrets at all.....

My 2nd event was a big surprise...I was offered a job in KL, in HELP. I called HELP to check on something regarding work and as I was talking to the guy, he offered me a job, to work under him, I thought he was joking but he was not, he insisted on my resume and was asking about me and everything...he even suggested where I can stay and when I can start work for him...I have not even accepted to think about this and he had started to work out the details :-)

Well, I did send in my resume, as per my conclusion about life yesterday, I do want to have a change, am not afraid of loosing, so what if I fail, I shall be able to pick myself up and move on, it will be okay, I will have new challenges and life would be fun...these were my thoughts yesterday evening as I was talking to the guy over the phone... this morning as I was showering, I thought I should call this guy before going to work but he called me as I was coming out from the shower...I was still in a towel when he asked me if I am accepting his offer!! Ya ya..he did not ask for my hands but then again, it is nice that someone thinks I am an asset to them...he asked about mom and dad and when I said I don't have them anymore, he felt bad but he said, good, you don't have to worry about anything then, you can just come over....sigh (a good sigh).... He called me again when I was at work and said he is forwarding my resume to HR and he might need me to come in for an interview soon.....hmmmm....things are happening to fast but this is the only way I like it....

Am I going to take it up? Yeah, deep in me says do it......I want to be away from everyone, start new.......life would be living :-)

As for my dimple walla, I do hope I get to see him again today for lunch or tea before he goes back but he has a tight schedule...when he got down from the car last nite, he said he will be back in February and he added that if I am moving to KL, he can see me there too.....

What is life?

Few events changed my views....

Young boys drowning in a boating incident...a young 19 yr old nephew of Ms L diagnosed with Lymphomo and a movie titled 3 idiots....made me look deep inside me and made me realise I have to live my life the way I want to and not they way everyone wants me to...

I have always argued about this in my mind, part of me wants to break free from the rules of the family and society but part of me wants to preserve all that as I was told this is the only right way to be...am I blaming my family? Am I blaming society? Nope...I am blaming myself for not being able to analyse who I am and for just wanting to be who I was expected to be...which is something I am not okay to be....

P said it is a sign from God after watching the movie as I told her before the movie I have decided to do all that I want to do and not let my shyness or my inferiority complex get into the way... while watching the movie, the message was just too close to the heart, it was a assurance of what I was thinking and I was surprised a Hindi movie could do that to me...

End of the day.....my conclusion....live this life the way it is meant to be lived...full of happiness and nothing else!

Hints

Guys are dumb......

Ya ya, I know I am making a very strong statement and I am sorry to say this .....there is some exceptions here, guys like my dad, doc and few other souls I have met are not dumb at all but majority of them are....sigh...

Now why this statement.......I have been hinting to dimple walla about something and he keeps missing my hints.....either he is too smart or too dumb...sigh...sigh...hence the conclusion that guys are dumb...

I like my sms wars with him, he laughs at all possible time, he is all learned at times, he is all silly at times.....he is just a cute entertainer......oh how I wish I can have him always :-)

Dimple walla has made me look at myself deeper, his questions...his whys'...eventhough irrates me but made me answer them honestly.... somehow I know the answers and I do wish I could explain to him but he keeps getting the wrong message accross when I finally realised I have to answer them to myself and not so much for him....

Once again, can I have my Dimple walla???

Pongal

Pongal and a new begining...

There is this saying amongst the Tamilians that says Thai is here new paths will be opened...something like that...well I do beleive I am starting this year in a very positive manner.. I ushered in New Year with lots of hope and my Thai was also ushered in with lots of hopes and prayers of goodwill.

I made pongal like how appa did years back..somehow end of last year I decided I am going to go traditional this year and I started with Pongal. I collected bricks, firewood, sand and eevrything else needed to make pongal outside the house and not as I always do at the stove in the kitchen. I enjoyed myself doing it, was not stressed out running about getting the stuff....it is all in the mind!!

I bought the smallest possible earthen pot and it was so cute..

Thursday morning, as I was drawing the kolam, Hamlet was licking away the flour, every dot I made was eaten up and that really made my day, it was fun to have him around, jumping at me and being so curious on what I was holding in my hand and why I was busy walking in and out the house. Oh the dogs were adorable, all three sat and was looking at me talking to the fire and coaxing the milk to boil over....yes, I literally begged the milk to boil faster :-)

The pongal turned out good, it was sweet...the way I want my life to be...I realised something, I am certainly a happier person these days, I am taking life easy, whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I am trusting Krshna to take care of me whole heartedly..

As the saying goes......new beginnings, new paths, new friendships...all in 2010....all in good faith...

MACB, Mrs C and I

The gang met up!!

Mrs C and I drove down to Shah Alam to meet MACB and it was a good trip. It was nice to meet up our ex-boss. He picked us up from the hotel and drove us around, we went for Sherlock Holmes, coffee and dinner. It was nice to catch up with him...

Tomorrow is his birthday, the same date as amma's birthday. I remember buying 2 cakes, 1 for amma and another for him. Having him in my life has definitely enriched my life. I am blessed to have all these loving people in my life and Mrs C pointed out, friends are valuable assets in our lives and I agree to that whole heartedly...

MACB, Mrs C, P, doc and many others have certainly enriched my life and I thank you Krshna for giving them to me...

Dimple walla

I met a guy.....

I met this guy I have been chatting for a while, nothing much when we chatted, he said he was a life coach and he irritates me on the chat with all his questions...now why I wanted to meet such a person is beyond my own reasoning...

I was in Shah Alam when he msged me saying he is in Penang and would like to meet if I am okay. So when I was back in Pg, I took the opportunity to meet him, he did ask me why I was okay to meet him coz I have told him he irritates me to the max, my answer... curiousity, I just have to meet the person who touches my brain cells....

Oh yes, he was sweet, I loved every moment I was with him. He brought his friend, the friend became a silent observer on that evening, we met in Starbucks. His friend was very quiet, but my dimple walla was funny, cute, witty, quick to respond...he was sexy :-)

Why am I calling him dimple walla? He has dimples when he talks and when he smiles, it was so obvious and I do have a soft spot for dimples!! We were in Starbucks for 2 hours and it was a good 2 hours of bantering each other, his friend just sat there not uttering much... I was very comfortable seeing my dimple walla, was just talking nonsense...it was fun...

I am still chatting with my dimple walla, I did not chase him away and that amazes me!!

2010

Welcoming 2010 into my life....

For the first time after knowing Kutty, I did not wish for him to be with me this year and that is certainly a big change in my life. This year, I took my first step into the year by being contended with myself, I was prepared to be on my own, prepared to see the world by myself, prepared to handle whatever comes on my own....the theme of the year is....on my own!

Kutty called me 2 days before the new year and asked me what am I going to do on my new year's eve...and that brought tears in my eyes...I was not crying coz I wanted him to be with me, I was crying coz he knows that I have no one in my life to share my new year's eve but he is with his loved ones....I donno if he meant to hurt my feelings or he was asking as a good friend would have asked...anyway, Mrs C told me not to cry, I should move on....

I am moving on.....deep inside me, I know this is going to be a great year. 2009 was a turning point, I decided to do so many things...I got my divorce, I changed my lifestyle, I met ppl..I met my doc :-) , I met affair, I bought flowers, I smiled more than I cried (finally), I shopped without thinking much of spending money.....I was happy....

For 2010.......my promise to myself.....I am going to laugh more, I am going to exercise more, I am going back to tradition when it comes to ponggal etc, I am going to live my life to the fullest, I am going to flirt more (good resolution), I am going to sing more and I am going to have tonnes of fun!!!

Have a great 2010 everyone!!