8 years

It was 8 years back that I met Kutty....

I met Kutty on 8th February 2002. It was 7am and it was in Butterworth. I was so nervous, I did not have a clue how he would look like... I was waiting near a big young coconut, that was my landmark and he was on the phone trying to walk towards the car and the moment I saw him, I fell in love him....

I can see it all in my mind and at this moment as I am writing this, there is a smile on my face. Those were sweet memories. We went for a drive after dropping his colleague and her husband back on the island and we went for a drive. I could not bring myself to look at him, for the first time in my life, I was actually shy meeting someone :-)

He made me look at him and the next thing I knew he gave me his ring... we were sitting in the car and were facing out at the sea and he said this ring shall always be with you... the ring was too big, so he told me to remove my chain and he added the ring to my chain and he wore it for me... well that was sweet and romantic.....

When Kutty called, I did ask him if he remembered the day....of course without a doubt, he could not remember the date la :-) Anyway, I am happy now, happy I met him and happy I had that moment in time.... there is no regrets that I met him on that faithful day that changed my life forever.... as I always say, everything happens for a reason....

Krshna, thanks for all the memories, good and bad... I know you made them all so that I will learn to accept life the way it should be.......

3 am

I could not sleep last nite.....

Was talking to Kutty last nite when he told me he is bringing his family to the States. I know this was coming but somehow my heart still broke. I know I am being silly here, Kutty belongs to someone else and I am just me...alone in this world...

I donno what is hurting me so much.....oh Krshna, I am crying my heart out now......is it the fact that I have lost him forever? Why do I love him so much?? I have no answers to it. He said he knows I am hurt...I told him this is too late.....he made his choice not now......it was years back... I do know why I am so sad, Kutty is the only person when I am with him I am my trueself, I never hid anything from him, I say whatever I feel and I am just me when I am with him. I am not sure if I will ever find another person like that in my life......hope?

I know I will be okay.... I am going to give myself this moment to cry, later I shall dry my tears and smile as I know life has more to offer...

Krshna might have planned for me not to have anyone in my life......and now I am prepared to accept it....I do wish I know wat is going to happen though...

Guess it is better to be in love and never to have been in love at all....I know dumb theory.....I am just trying to make myself okay...self healing is the best healing process I think....

Got to tell myself to smile......I am now.......that is good.......

Letter from my lawyer

Received a letter from the lawyer today...

My court hearing will be on 8th May 2009 at 9am and I am required to wear formal baju to attend the hearing... I did not read pass that page...was on the first page and I started crying..how lah to move on to the second page?

I know it is over....I know for a fact I do not want Kutty to be back in my life...I know why I am crying... I am afraid that now I know for sure that I have no one in my life...I am going to be all alone and I donno how to handle this....it is true that Kutty was never there for me in my life but somehow I know I had him...but now it is going to be over..

Doc told me I will be fine...my 'anney' told me that it is going to be a new chapter in my life, so he asked me to grab a pen and write my own story...make it as beautiful as possible...he asked me to write beautiful poems...to fill my days with joy and happiness...he reminded me the phrase by Vivekanantha.... " You are the creator of your own destiny", Ms L told me it is about time I let go of the float and start swimming on my own.

I am following all these advices and I know all my friends mean well.....somehow I know I will be able to go through this rough patch with the help of all my friends...I will be fine...a mantra I keep saying over n over to convince myself....

This is tough but I know it is something I have to face so that my future looks brighter....Krshna, I can feel that better days are coming into my life and Krshna I thank you for being with me all these times..and I know you will be with me forever.......

Signing the papers

Kutty signed the papers!

I was seriously getting fed-up with him for not signing the papers but when I knew he did it, my heart just dropped....I know this is foolish.....I know this is what I wanted but then again, this was not what I really wanted...

I wanted to be living happily ever-after. All the fairy tales I have read always ended with ...and they lived happily ever after....I grew up reading all these and I believed this is what the world would be and should be!

Alas, I woke up and realized that life is not such..tat life is not a fairy tale...tat life is not about love...that life is about people...tat life goes on....

I wish I can be in my fairy tale world...once u conquer ur demons, you would then live a life that is yours.....

Anyway, back to my feelings, I felt sad for a moment, I felt alone, I felt empty...I told P that my life is a joke, I msged doc saying tat how I hoped he wouldn't have signed and he would have asked me back into his life....Kutty did say that nothing changes but I know...everything changed when he went back to his house in 2003!

Well, I am being okay now, have not broken down yet.....may be it has not sunken in deep yet, probably will when I see the lawyer and I have to go through the next step. It is hard to do this on my own...wish I have someone to lean on.....

To ask

I only asked for somethings from 3 people in my life...

Appa, anney and kutty.....

I am 1 person who won't ask anything much but once in a while I will ask appa for something I like to eat..same goes to anney...I remember the day before he died, I told anney I wanted to eat athirasam and we both went searching for athirasam and that was the last thing he bought for me...it was Wednesday afternoon n Thursday early morning he passed away....

Kutty, the only other person whom I asked for stuff, he knows I love maliggai poo and the first time I told him tat, he will buy for me always. I have asked him for laddoo, food stuff and the most is a saree...today, I just told him that now I don't have anyone whom I can ask to get me anything if I want to. When I told this to Kutty, he said, he was never there to give me anything whenever I wanted it, I told him yes, but I just waited for him to come and see me once a month for me to go n get the laddoo or the flowers....I was actually putting my life on hold to be with him......

This is the guy I loved so much.......all these years, I have put my life on hold....the sad thing now.....who do I ask now? Who do I go and ask I want a saree? Who do I ask to buy me malligai poo? Who?

I know I can do all these by myself, but it is not the same........

I have decided not to cry and I am going to put my life on unhold hereafter..........