Sayings

These were sent to me by a very good friend and I tot of treasuring them...How so true these words are...how often do we wait for someone/something to live our life for... As I mentioned in my earlier post...I am making myself  to live my life to the fullest now....

I know this too...I let too many moments pass by me without seizing them.....

Promises made to me or by me to someone are not kept...why make them in the first place?

Ahhhhh..... a classic theory...and I m so so so guilty of this....crying for those who never cared and caring for those who will never cry for me.....but then again, this is just me!

My choices these days when I wake is simple....smile, laugh and be merry....nothing else!

I agree...those who know me, knows me well enough on why I did what I did, on why I think the way I think, on how I crazy I can be....and those who do not know me tend to pass judgement on me but nowadays I am ignoring them all as I know, I can't make everyone understand me and the truth is there is no reason for me to make them understand me either...

Thinking...

It's not an easy task...thinking I mean...

I am being asked lots of questions regarding to CK. As usual he is the latest topic of our chats n analysis n review. Each time I meet a guy, the whole lot of people In my life get together to discuss about it. Do I need to keep some parts of my life private? 

Anyway back to CK...question today was where am I heading with him. My honest answer, no where at this moment. I enjoy my chats with him. I enjoy the text messages throughtout the day. It's nice to be in someone's thoughts. I miss the attention. I miss the flirtation. I miss the chats and now CK is here providing me all that. 

Where is this going?? It all depends on him. I'm ok as a friend. Do I expect more him? I donno...perhaps yes...and emotional tie... I hv my dimple walla for the conversations and advises but I can't get the emotional dependency from him...he can't be there for me whenever I want him....there are the restrictions and rules that we have to abide, it's not his fault nor mine, it's just how the world works....

I will always cherish all the moments I have had with all these people whose paths I have crossed. I do hope CK  is a keeper...he sings to me, what more does a girl need :-)

I like the fact I'm very truthful to CK. I tell him how I feel for him or how I feel for the moment. This is me. I like that I can say whatever that is happening around me. I actually don't fear of him misinterpreting my words...I like this new maturity in the relationship. It feels free to be able to express yourself without caring that you would be judged by my words...

Is CK bringing back my memories of being with kutty? I donno. But it was the freedome of me talking to kutty about anything and everything was the force of my relationship with him. I was not shy, I was not holding back, I was myself...

CK is coming this weekend...that's the acid test. Is he going to sprint or is he going to stay....

CK

He called me for the first time on Sunday last week...

I have not been involved with anyone seriously for a while now. I actually stopped looking for a partner. All these changed when I went to KL last week to visit sister. She was down with dengue fever. Being there, I saw the intimacy, the love, the concern both she and mama had for each other. May be they can't see it, but at that moment I knew I wanted someone in my life. 

I have always told myself that it want to be with someone but it was not a serious thought. Anyway, that Saturday night I told Krishna I'm serious now. Send me someone.....this someone came to my life on Sunday night, precisely at 10.12pm. He called me and introduced himself and I had no clue who he was. We started talking...it was a long conversation...6 hours to be precise!

CK could sing...he freaked me out coz he sang the exact songs I was thinking in my mind. I like him. He is fun to talk. He sings. He is polite enough to tell me my Tamil is not that bad! How is this going to go?I don't know. I like the way I'm with him.

Krishna you know what's best for me. I do want a companion. Someone to love and care. Send him to me please.....and make it soon too

I am wishing on the stars

A song that I love the lyrics...

I am wishing on the stars...
To follow where you are...
I am wishing on a dream...
To follow what it means...

And I am wishing on the rainbows that I see...
I wish on all the people who really dream..
And I'm wishing on tomorrow, praying it'll come..
And I'm wishing on all the loving we've ever done...

This is an old song, I just love the part that she says "and I am wishing on the rainbows that I see.." I always believed that dreams gives us hope for tomorrow and I still believe in this saying...

Beautiful song to fill my heart with dreams, stars, hope and rainbows...

Consultation

I passed......

Yeap, 14 weeks of sleepless nites, hypertension, neck pain... all were paid off when I cleared my consultation presentation and passed the module...

It was a good day on Sunday, I was at Tesco Seberang Jaya waiting for my partner at sharp 7am. I donno whether I was nervous or not going for the presentation, I knew I have done my part and this is just to tie it all up. We had a pleasant drive, it was raining and the hills looked so clear and covered with mist. My partner kept saying he has never noticed such things but since I like all these, I kept pointing out to him all the things I was viewing and enjoying and he was a happy participant... and when I cried out of joy after seeing the rainbow, he just joined in with my happiness...

We had a good day in the university, I was happy with my results, he is still waiting for his, it will be a week before he would know if he passed or otherwise... deep inside me I know he would pass!

Our drive back to Penang was really interesting, as usual, we were talking, not looking out at the scenery but just talking. I told him about what happened between Kutty and me and my partner, D, was so mad. He kept telling me I have to stop all communication with Kutty and he kept saying from a guy's perspective, no other guy would want to be with me if I am still in a relationship with Kutty. It took me a while to explain to D that I am not in a relationship with Kutty, I am sure of that now...very sure!

D asked if I am involved with anyone, I said no, but I told him I do like someone but it is forbidden as the guy I like is a married man and it is a sin! I told D that I like Dimple walla but I also realise I like talking to him, having a conversation, for that D said, you are looking for a matured conversation... I said yes, that's it, that is all that I want from Dimple walla..

I enjoy my conversation with D too, I like the way he takes charge on matters, it is easy, I do not have to plan or think when I am with him... we did not go for lunch yesterday as I am still fasting and when I told D it is okay, we can go for lunch, he refused, saying that he has to respect my belief... how sweet...

Anyway, D is on the lookout for me, he asked if I am okay about different races, I said yes, religion, I said yes too... and I was telling him about my Dumbo and people I hang out with. He should know better since I am closer to him compared to the others in the cohort!

It was a good and rewarding Sunday.... the fantastic drive, the blessed scenery, the good result and finally a great friend to be with....

All will be well

I know all will be well...

I was feeling very lonely last nite, missed being with someone... the only person I wanted to talk to then was Dimple walla but I had more sense then to call him. Anyway, I ended up talking to my Krishna, I was asking him if it is too much if I want to be with someone? I was talking to him till I fell asleep and just before I dozed off I told Krshna that I am going to temple in the morning and if all is going to be well, then pls do tell me...

I woke up early this morning and yes, I did go to temple and met my iyer. We were talking, he said he did not see me for sometime, it is nice that someone missed me.. anyway, when he gave me my archanai, he gave me a string of malliga poo and that's when I knew all will be well...

This is Krshna telling me .. " Trust in Me and I will lead you..."

An evening with Dimple Walla

I met him....

When I was in KL, we could not meet, he wanted to come at 1am to see me in my sister's house and I thought it was not such a good idea... so we met when he came over to Penang end of last month. I was waiting... :-)

He picked me up for tea, we were suppose to be talking for an hour as he was going back to his mom's place for dinner....but we ended up talking for 4 hours and we had our tea and dinner... we were just talking, I missed that, we were talking and laughing, there are no more arguments on issues, it is just pleasant talk... and for the first time he was talking about his wife and life. I was not jealous, I was not hoping that I want to be in that position or anything like that. I like talking to him, I want to spend time with him but I donno if I want him!!

We had a pleasant time, I was the one who kept asking him to go home while he kept continuing on with our conversation... what did we talk about? Life!

Now as I am writing this, I can think of a phone call I had with him last week... I was on the edge of breaking down...no, not coz of relationship problem or anything like that, I was hitting panic button because of my report!! Anyway, when we were talking we both realised that we were laughing alot and not arguing or being defensive and we both talked about it too... that was what I like about him, the fact that I can just tell him how I feel or how I want to communicate with him and he understands me better these days... may be it is getting to know each other longer makes it easier on our friendship...

I am thinking about him more ( I know P is going to laugh at this statement :-) ) but this is true, I am thinking about him but I am not waiting for him or missing him...not in that sense. I miss talking to him and I would love to talk to him everyday but surprisingly he is not the priority in life. Does is not love, I doubt it is, this is just loving someone whom I enjoy talking to but it is still something more to this....

Whatever it is, I am enjoying myself and that I think is the most important thing to do. I am not going to analyze on what is going to happen in the future or whether he feels the same way as I do, it is just about me, me in the present and that is all that matters...

Selfish

I am selfish....

This is my conclusion on myself on 16th September as I was driving to P's house for lunch. How I came upon this conclusion? I was thinking, which is not something out of the norm.. but anyway, I was thinking why I wanted to have a baby? This issue arised because of 2 happenings, first dimple walla's brother had a baby girl and he sent me a 1 day photo of hers... second was the news from chettiar, he is getting married.....

Anyway, when I was trying to answer the question, I realised I wanted to have a baby for myself, I wanted someone to belong to me, I wanted to doll up a child, I wanted to see my baby grow and become a lady, I wanted to give my baby everything.... that was when I stopped myself from thinking and reaslised that I am so selfish... it is all about my happiness that I am looking at... I was not thinking from the child's view on what she is going to get out of this...

What is wrong with me? I donno if all married couples think before having a child why they want to have one! When I told this to doc, he said I am not being selfish, I am just naturally a woman who has this maternalistic desire to have a child. When I asked Chettiar why he had a child, he said a child completes the family...

This made me think further, does it mean, not have a child means the family is not complete? Then why do people marry? For wanting a child? As I was telling someone, I want to marry a guy because I want to be with him and that is the only reason, it is not for having a child, it is not for security, it is not for my future that someone will take care of me.... I just want to marry someone for this moment, I want to be with him, I want to be in love with him, I want to laugh with him, I want to share my feelings with him and I want to do all these with him now.....

Is this right or.....

28 July ...once again

My second year going through this date....

It was 7 years back... yesterday I was doing everything possible to get myself not to think about it, I went for a movie and while watching the movie my mind was still thinking about my life. I was not asking what went wrong, I was not thinking what I would have done differently if I knew I was going to be alone on this day, 7 years later... my mind just did not know what to think and that was what I was thinking... how much sense is in this, I have no idea but this is what happened to me the whole of yesterday...

I managed to hang on, it was at the end of the day when I was talking to my chettiar that I asked him to tell me that I will be ok... I just need to hear the words... somehow that is something important for me... no matter how much I tell myself I will be ok, I just need the assurance from another person...

I am going to face many more 28 of Julys in my life and probably I will be the same as I was this year... I have no idea if there will be a day without me thinking about Kutty... a day without me thinking about life... a day when it will all be really really ok....

I am happy now but why is it in my heart I am questionning myself if I am reallyhappy or am I am just saying it? I don't need anyone else to doubt me, I doubt myself! Hopefully end of the day... all will be well....

Living

Who am I living this life for.....

I fell sick on Saturday, vomiting and diarrhea and was not able to do anything else but to let my mind wander, hence to the question on who am I living my life for... I sent 3 ppl the question, P, doc and dimple walla... All 3 answered I am living my life for myself... now for a person who was already down, that answer did not satisfy me but I just accepted it until dimple walla added a few more sms to this.

He asked me if I could feel life, taste life, touch life etc and I answered yes, I can feel my pain, taste my tears, touch my tears.. for which he said I am being pessimist. I was feeling like a total crap on Saturday nite and I did not want to be cheerful, I choose to be sad, I choose to be crying, I could have brushed off my feelings then but I knew I had to cry, to let it out, I can't be strong all the time, I had the whole house for myself and I just wanted to cry...

Was talking to him over the phone and I did get angry, I donno why dimple walla ticks me, but I was upset with myself for allowing myself to be angry but I am learning, learning to calm myself when I talk to dimple walla. I could raise my voice to him and he does that to me too... according to him, he says someone has to take command.. I am just letting it be, not saying anything to retaliate.. what I noticed was, from wallowing into self-pity I managed to get angry and get out from the feeling of hopelessness......

I might never find an answer to my questions... I will never know what is the purpose of my living in this planet but that does not mean I am going to stop looking for the answer. Like what doc said, put my trust on God and let Him guide me. Yes doc, that is what I am doing... as I told you, I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life or what I told dimple walla, I want my life to be witnessed by someone... I am not sure if I will ever be able to live a life without questions but I shall try to learn to look for answers not only within me but outside me too...

I shall live my life for myself...thanks P, doc and dimple walla for giving the answer....

A mail from Dimple Walla

He wrote something beautiful in the mail...

Have you ever heard about the story called "The Parable of a Pencil"? Its a very interesting and inspirational story. Pencil was innovated by the utilization of a substance called grafite which has carbon components.

Think of a pencil where one end you have the writing part of grafite and the part of Malaysian natural resources called rubber....or there is an eraser attached to the pencil.

Many people use the pencil to write something good, something nice, somethung lovely, something erotic, something romantic, something sexy, something useful, something factful, something unique and many others. However, not many people able to erase someone's sorrowness, someone's disturbing feelings, someone's hurting feelings, someone's bad experiences, someone's unstable mind, someone's guilt feelings and many others.

There is a saying, which sounds...."if you could not write happiness on others like a pencil just be an eraser by erasing people's sorrowness".

Dimple walla is a sweet guy and this is a nice piece that he has sent me. I remember abang telling that I have a new chapter in life and the pencil is in my hands now and I can start writing beautiful memories... now I know I have Dimple walla to tell me that I can also erase memories that I do not want by using the same pencil....

Krshna, thank you for bringing all these ppl into my life... I am forever grateful for all your angels...

Love and life

Am not going to let anyone into my life...

Monday evening, I was having dinner with P when I told her this: I am okay to have short term happiness rather than long term sadness.... This came upon the fact that just the nite before I was talking to abang when his little girl screamed athai... that really made my day and I was happy for that moment in time... I like my theory about life on this... it is okay to have happiness here and there rather than sadness all the time..

I have been in love relationship that was hurting me all the time and at this moment, I can only associate love with hurt and not happiness. I used to be in a life whereby I did not know what was happiness... I was always afraid to be happy coz each time I was happy, amma would say something and spoil my day... I remember so many occasions that I will be crying becoz of her remarks... may be that is the reason I smile alot.... just to hide the fact that I am a very sad person inside me? hmmmm.. well anyway, all is fine now...

And this grand theory of mine made me realise that I am not going to even attempt to find anyone to walk into my life and to share my life with someone else. I am going to be on my own.. I have decided not to meet anyone anymore... it is just too hard to handle a heartbreak... call me a coward but I am fine with that too...

As I was asking P today, will I ever fall in love again, she said yes, then she continued, it is now about what you want to do about it that matters and to that I replied that I will stop talking the moment I know I am falling for the guy.. am not going to allow anyone into my mind.. I do not want to play any mind games...

So conclusion... happiness in short burst is all okay for me!!

Songkla

I fell in love ......

Ooohhhh I love this feeling of falling in love... this time with a town.. Was in Hat Yai and Songkla for 2 days on a business trip. On the 2nd day, Thursday, we started off to Songkla after breakfast, the drive was wonderful..

I fell in love with Songkla after seeing the beaches and the lake... it was wonderful... I could feel the breeze.. I could smell the sea and I could see the sandy beach and the waves rolling into the shore and crashing on the rocks....

I did ask my boss if I can just stay here :-) It is a laid back life... people were friendly... I could hardly understand the language and that I guess was what attracted me most. It would be a challenge to live in this place, I would be working hard to understand the culture and language and their life style... I know I am running away... as I asked my abang, why do I want to run away from my current life... I know the answer, I want to begin my life all over, from scratch, learn to re-live.... unlearn everything I know and start everything new....

Now, shall I do it or not??

To be missunderstood

I am being missunderstood.......

When I was in KL for the interview, Dimple walla came over for a visit. We were talking for about 6 hours and our topic of conversations ranged from politics to religion to wearing head scarf to everything else....

I made him a cup of coffee before he left and I went on for my breakfast and left for the interview. Over in HELP, I met the guy who called me for about a million times and we had coffee together. Later met with my friend, A, and showed me to the library where I found a very nice book on psychology and I text Dimple walla about the book and said he would enjoy reading it...

On my way back, I told dimple walla that I would like to give him the book as a gift and he asked me the purpose of the gift.... and I told him I have no hidden agenda... that msg made me analyse a bit more than I should and I knew that there was something I have to clarify... so when I was chatting with him 2 days later, I did ask him what was his thoughts about me getting him a book... that was when he talked about the coffee... he said that I was seeking attention by making coffee... hmmmm, yes, that was the moment I was so disappointed with Dimple walla.

I did explain myself to him, that I just do things, for that he said ppl just don't send someone from the island to the mainland... hmmmm.... the only thing that was on my mind then was that he does not know that I have driven aunty so many times to Kuala Kedah or take Ms Liow around where ever she wants to go and I do not expect anything in return for doing whatever I do. I did not tell him about all these... he said my gesture of being nice will be taken advantage by ppl. I tried to tell him who I am, but I realised it is not possible as he has already missunderstood me not once but a couple of times now..

I am not going to justify to him why I do what I do. This is me, I just do things that I know is not against my principles or conscience mind... I might be termed as stupid or dumb for doing everything that I do but as I always say, it is okay, this is me and I like the me in me!!

I donno why I do things the way I do them... I know all that I have done in the house were never appreciated but I can't be otherwise.. I can't be turning a deaf ear when help is needed.. I do think God made some ppl like me and others not like me to balance the universe, not everyone can be Dimple walla nor everyone can be me or doc or Mrs C or anyone else for that matter...

I was hurt for a couple of days for being missunderstood... it was not the fact that I was missunderstood, it was the fact that I was missunderstood by him, I expected dimple walla to be more open minded or to have been a better judge of a character...

As I told him at the moment we were talking for 6 hours... I am a very different person now compared to a year or 2 back... I have changed so much but there are still characteristics in my life that I would not change... I like being me.... as for Dimple walla, it is okay for him to missunderstand me... it is his right to think the way he wants to... as for me, I am just being extra careful with my words when I am with him but I know that is not me.... at the end of the day, it just does not matter anymore...

I am coming to a conclusion that I am okay to be who I am and I am going to let ppl be who they are... life is to be having fun.. live and let live!!!

Tuesday, 19th Jan

Two things happened today....

Dimple walla is coming to town and he has time to meet in the evening ...he was here at 7pm and from the moment I picked him my dimple walla was joking away. He is a fun person to be with. We went to Pelita for a drink and he had his roti canai....I volunteered to drop him at his mom's place in Tanjung Tokong. We were chatting and discussing and it was surprising to know that my dimple walla is against gay marriages. It was interesting to know his reason...his eyes lights up when he talks about motherhood....I donno why that is so important to him but somehow it is....

Well tea time went to be dinner time and we had our dinner in Pelita too...I am not sure how many hours we were there but it was rather long...after dinner we went driving and ended up at the beach in Batu Feringhi and that was when I fell in love...nope, not with my dimple walla but with the sea!! It was such a windy night, the waves were strong, the sky was clear and the stars were twinkling and of course the company was great. We sat there looking at the nite, cruise ships looked tiny boats with lights decorating them which can be seen at the horizon, the light house in Mukah Head was shinning brightly.....dimple walla was humming a song...

It was lovely, sitting there and having a conversation.....we talked nothing but we talked something ... am I making sense? It is okay, I realised it is not a crime to be senseless at times...

I dropped my dimple walla after midnite in Sunway Carnival, he was meeting his brother there...I do wish I could have given him a hug before he left...that would have ended my evening perfectly....oh no regrets at all.....

My 2nd event was a big surprise...I was offered a job in KL, in HELP. I called HELP to check on something regarding work and as I was talking to the guy, he offered me a job, to work under him, I thought he was joking but he was not, he insisted on my resume and was asking about me and everything...he even suggested where I can stay and when I can start work for him...I have not even accepted to think about this and he had started to work out the details :-)

Well, I did send in my resume, as per my conclusion about life yesterday, I do want to have a change, am not afraid of loosing, so what if I fail, I shall be able to pick myself up and move on, it will be okay, I will have new challenges and life would be fun...these were my thoughts yesterday evening as I was talking to the guy over the phone... this morning as I was showering, I thought I should call this guy before going to work but he called me as I was coming out from the shower...I was still in a towel when he asked me if I am accepting his offer!! Ya ya..he did not ask for my hands but then again, it is nice that someone thinks I am an asset to them...he asked about mom and dad and when I said I don't have them anymore, he felt bad but he said, good, you don't have to worry about anything then, you can just come over....sigh (a good sigh).... He called me again when I was at work and said he is forwarding my resume to HR and he might need me to come in for an interview soon.....hmmmm....things are happening to fast but this is the only way I like it....

Am I going to take it up? Yeah, deep in me says do it......I want to be away from everyone, start new.......life would be living :-)

As for my dimple walla, I do hope I get to see him again today for lunch or tea before he goes back but he has a tight schedule...when he got down from the car last nite, he said he will be back in February and he added that if I am moving to KL, he can see me there too.....

What is life?

Few events changed my views....

Young boys drowning in a boating incident...a young 19 yr old nephew of Ms L diagnosed with Lymphomo and a movie titled 3 idiots....made me look deep inside me and made me realise I have to live my life the way I want to and not they way everyone wants me to...

I have always argued about this in my mind, part of me wants to break free from the rules of the family and society but part of me wants to preserve all that as I was told this is the only right way to be...am I blaming my family? Am I blaming society? Nope...I am blaming myself for not being able to analyse who I am and for just wanting to be who I was expected to be...which is something I am not okay to be....

P said it is a sign from God after watching the movie as I told her before the movie I have decided to do all that I want to do and not let my shyness or my inferiority complex get into the way... while watching the movie, the message was just too close to the heart, it was a assurance of what I was thinking and I was surprised a Hindi movie could do that to me...

End of the day.....my conclusion....live this life the way it is meant to be lived...full of happiness and nothing else!

If I had my life to live forever

This is something nice I stumbled on......

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.'

There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!! Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what ....

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

This is something really nice, something everyone should practice, we seem to be rushing through life..everything has to have a purpose...well I am sure I am the foolish, silly girl...love to laugh, love to watch the sun set and just wasting my time....but this is my life and I intent to live it the way I want it to be....

Loosing faith

I knew I lost something last Monday....

7 days ago I did something...no regrets but I was just sad....very sad....I sold off my thalli....I knew I had to do it and I just did it, it was not easy, I was not strong but I knew it has to be done..when the person, B, asked if I am okay, I looked at him and said that I am doing this, do you think I am okay... I guess the guy knew me since I was a baby girl...I remember going to Market St and my parents will leave me at the shop and I will be sleeping on their bed...that's how close my family was/still is with these people... B told me that life has its ups and downs and I will be okay...when I handed the chain to him, a couple of tears dropped..

P was with me and I know she was talking to me trying to make me feel better...but I felt a total emptiness in me...I could feel something missing...a void...it was so physical as well...I could actually feel it in my heart...never did I experience this kind of feelings before...was I thinking of Kutty? nope, it was not about him....I know what it was all about....it was about loosing faith...it was about loosing what I believed in....I know I was going through all these earlier but it was the last identity of marriage that I discarded away and yes I felt the lost.....

A couple of weeks earlier, I cleaned my room and I threw away a photo of Kutty and I that I have had since the day I met him and it was always on my bed....when I was doing that, I cried a bit but it was not as big an impact as parting with my thalli...funny isn't it...I have already said my good-bye to Kutty but when it was time to separate myself and the thalli, it was still hurtful...

I told my doc, he said I will be fine...he said 'this is why I asked you if you are ready"....he knew I am not strong yet to do this but doc, no matter when I do this, i will still be hurt...P told me that we will have to look forward and hope for a better beginning.....Ms L told me it is okay....I will be fine.......my partner said good...you have finally taken the final step...he was happy for me.....

I did not feel like writing this much earlier....but today.....am okay......no tears as I am writing this....I donno what is happening with my life today or what is going to happen tomorrow... am I confused? am I denying the truth? am I not me?... answers to these are coming...slowly but surely coz I know I am in good hands...my angels and my Krshna

BMW

I got a new set of wheels.......

On Firday last week, my colleague, L, asked if I can accompany him to buy something in Penang Road and I said yes. We went to lunch and headed back to the college when I saw a 7 series silver coloured BMW on the road and I asked L if he can buy that for me. He replied saying yes and then he asked what was it that I wanted and I told him I wanted the BMW and we burst out laughing.....

Yesterday, I went out with my anney, L and another colleague S for lunch to celebrate my life...Anney and S knows about the divorce but L does not...when we sat down for lunch I told them tat there are 2 reasons for the celebration, first it is my 2nd year working in the college. The second reason of course was tougher to tell as L does not know anything about it, so the other 2 just encouraged me to tell it and when I told the reason for the celebration, L just said everything will be okay. He added now that he knows I am single and available, it is time I go out and meet people and the best way is to get a sportier car and he just put a model of a BMW 3 series infront of me.....I was so touched and the other two were clapping away......we made so much noise at lunch yesterday, laughing and eating and just being happy for being together....

I told P earlier that we shall go out on Aug 10 to celebrate this as that would be the official day the lawyer told me but since it happened earlier, I am celebrating my life as a free person with all the people who mean alot to me.......

My divorce

It is finally over....

On Wednesday afternoon, the lawyer called me, I was in class. I could not talk to him then so I told him I will call back later....of course I could not concentrate in teaching after the call, all kinds of thoughts were going in my mind...wat is it going to be? new complications? some problems? when I said a little prayer asking Krshna to make it easy for me....

I saw my anney after class and he asked why am I so tensed when I told him about the lawyer's call. He said everything will be okay, not to worry and just return the call. I did that and the lawyer said the divorce papers are ready. I was shocked, I told him that he mentioned that it will take 3 months before the court grants it and it is only 2 months now.....why is it so quick? He did not have an answer to it......I guess Krshna just wants me to be out from the whole thing....watever it is.......I have no regrets.

I do have to tell something here.......I did not cry.....I did not know how to react to this piece of information but I know I was okay....

Surprisingly, I called Ms L first to tell her the news, she asked if I am crying, I said no, I am just okay, then I msged Dr M, I donno why I did that.....may be coz he was the one who introduced the lawyer to me or may be coz I know he would understand me...

I know I am fine now and I know life will go on beautifully....