Loosing faith

I knew I lost something last Monday....

7 days ago I did something...no regrets but I was just sad....very sad....I sold off my thalli....I knew I had to do it and I just did it, it was not easy, I was not strong but I knew it has to be done..when the person, B, asked if I am okay, I looked at him and said that I am doing this, do you think I am okay... I guess the guy knew me since I was a baby girl...I remember going to Market St and my parents will leave me at the shop and I will be sleeping on their bed...that's how close my family was/still is with these people... B told me that life has its ups and downs and I will be okay...when I handed the chain to him, a couple of tears dropped..

P was with me and I know she was talking to me trying to make me feel better...but I felt a total emptiness in me...I could feel something missing...a void...it was so physical as well...I could actually feel it in my heart...never did I experience this kind of feelings before...was I thinking of Kutty? nope, it was not about him....I know what it was all about....it was about loosing faith...it was about loosing what I believed in....I know I was going through all these earlier but it was the last identity of marriage that I discarded away and yes I felt the lost.....

A couple of weeks earlier, I cleaned my room and I threw away a photo of Kutty and I that I have had since the day I met him and it was always on my bed....when I was doing that, I cried a bit but it was not as big an impact as parting with my thalli...funny isn't it...I have already said my good-bye to Kutty but when it was time to separate myself and the thalli, it was still hurtful...

I told my doc, he said I will be fine...he said 'this is why I asked you if you are ready"....he knew I am not strong yet to do this but doc, no matter when I do this, i will still be hurt...P told me that we will have to look forward and hope for a better beginning.....Ms L told me it is okay....I will be fine.......my partner said good...you have finally taken the final step...he was happy for me.....

I did not feel like writing this much earlier....but today.....am okay......no tears as I am writing this....I donno what is happening with my life today or what is going to happen tomorrow... am I confused? am I denying the truth? am I not me?... answers to these are coming...slowly but surely coz I know I am in good hands...my angels and my Krshna

Missing something

I know I miss something......

Since Friday, I felt that I am missing something and this feeling went on till yesterday when I finally snapped out of it...

I just miss being in someone's arms, I just wanted to be held close to someone's heart and with his arms around me......he does not have to tell that everything will be fine, all he has to do is just to hold me close and never let me go till I fall asleep...

How did I manage to snap out of it? I just told myself that this is not going to happen.... no matter how much I miss this or want this or need this, I know it is not going to happen and the sooner I get out from these thoughts, the faster I will be able to function as myself...

I asked doc if this is wrong to think or feel and how does everyone cope??? Doc did not have an answer to my question, he said it is normal to feel this way... hmmm...I am now wondering how doc handles this feeling .... for him to know and for me never to find out I guess :-)

Anyway, it was nice, nice to be in love....but nowadays, I have lost all hope that this feeling will ever be in my life again... on Saturday, my partner, D, asked me why not I marry again.....I just told him that I am not able to trust another guy with my heart, love n life.... he said may be not now but one day, this might happen...

I am not sure whether what D says will happen or not, but at this moment I know it is not happening and the only thing I know is that I am sleeping alone in my bed every night and I know there is not going to be anyone holding me in their arms anywhere near the future....

Last nite while talking to Krshna, I asked him why did he awaken all these emotions? What is he trying to tell me? I am yet to find the answer.....Krshna, hopefully you will give me the answers later tonight....

Wedding anniversary

It was my wedding anniversary yesterday.....

I got married on a full moon day in the month of May, 2006....I had a very very simple wedding, my best friends were there, only immediate family members...hardly 30 people were there....and I cried when Kutty tied the thalli around my neck....3 of my good friends were the ones who told me not to cry...they knew how important it was for me....

Yesterday I told P tat I am not crying...but inside me....tat was a different story....I donno if this is how everyone else feels when they are divorced and they face to their wedding anniversary....how do people cope with all these?

I am seriously thinking of writing a book on how to handle a separation / divorce...how to handle questions from others...how to tell people you are okay when you are not....how to handle birthdays, anniversary, special occasions and life......

Is this wrong to feel down? Am I suppose to be smiling today? It was a lovely wedding saree...I had my favourite colour...purple....Krshna help me please......I stood infront of you on that day and I prayed that you'll take care of us.......Krshna.........please listen to my voice......I need you now........

I am scared

I donno what is going to happen to me.....

I am scared of May 8th. I am trying to tell myself I will be okay but I am just not convinced...I just could not convince myself I will be okay...this is hard...

I tot I stopped crying but this past week, my tears are just flowing so easily...I am really lost, I donno what I am suppose to think or how I am suppose to deal with this...I am confused with my feelings....I know this is the next step but nothing prepared me for this...am I suppose to be sad or am I suppose to be okay with this?

I donno what I am fighting....I donno...but I know I am sad....I just know that I am sad and I donno who I want to comfort me....why am I crying? Krshna please tell me what to do....I am crying now...and the sad thing is I donno why am I crying....I have lost Kutty long time back...I donno why I am crying now but I am crying.....

Can I have appa now, I just want to put my head on his laps and sleep there....

Krshna, please help me....

Signing the papers

Kutty signed the papers!

I was seriously getting fed-up with him for not signing the papers but when I knew he did it, my heart just dropped....I know this is foolish.....I know this is what I wanted but then again, this was not what I really wanted...

I wanted to be living happily ever-after. All the fairy tales I have read always ended with ...and they lived happily ever after....I grew up reading all these and I believed this is what the world would be and should be!

Alas, I woke up and realized that life is not such..tat life is not a fairy tale...tat life is not about love...that life is about people...tat life goes on....

I wish I can be in my fairy tale world...once u conquer ur demons, you would then live a life that is yours.....

Anyway, back to my feelings, I felt sad for a moment, I felt alone, I felt empty...I told P that my life is a joke, I msged doc saying tat how I hoped he wouldn't have signed and he would have asked me back into his life....Kutty did say that nothing changes but I know...everything changed when he went back to his house in 2003!

Well, I am being okay now, have not broken down yet.....may be it has not sunken in deep yet, probably will when I see the lawyer and I have to go through the next step. It is hard to do this on my own...wish I have someone to lean on.....

Lost

Suddenly I am feeling lost......

I have no one in my life, no appa, no amma, no more kutty....no more anyone that I can say is mine.....do I sound selfish? I donno but why at this moment I want someone for me???

I am thinking hard, really hard, who is mine? Me and myself only.....can I say all my bears are mine? I do talk to them, so may be they are mine?

I have my mind, I have the songs in me, I have my smile, I have me.....conclusion, I only have me...sounds very lonely but at least I am not betraying myself yet.....I still like me, I have still not lost me...

God, I donno if I make any sense saying watever I am saying...I do wish I can put all wat I am feeling in words tat makes sense.......