Far from the maddening crowd

I hated being in Market St last nite.......

I had to do Diwali shopping last nite as I am going to make muruku and etc on Saturday. I do think this is the first year that I went to Market St so close to Diwali and the place was like a zoo...it was so crowded and the shops were blaring their speakers so loud.....

I did find a cute Punjabi Suit for anney's lil girl...am being a good athai :-) I even bought for her bangles...lots of them...and I bought for myself an orange coloured set of bangles too...to match with my orange saree...now I have matching earings, bangles...only thing missing is necklace....

Anyway, it was a relief to be away from the maddening crowd last nite....

When I reached home, I cried, I don't know how many more Diwalis, birthdays, Ponggals, festivities I am going to spend on my own......at least last year, I still had Kutty belonging to me.....but now......no one in my life.........

I know whatever it is going to be......this is something I have to face as well..........

I am scared

I donno what is going to happen to me.....

I am scared of May 8th. I am trying to tell myself I will be okay but I am just not convinced...I just could not convince myself I will be okay...this is hard...

I tot I stopped crying but this past week, my tears are just flowing so easily...I am really lost, I donno what I am suppose to think or how I am suppose to deal with this...I am confused with my feelings....I know this is the next step but nothing prepared me for this...am I suppose to be sad or am I suppose to be okay with this?

I donno what I am fighting....I donno...but I know I am sad....I just know that I am sad and I donno who I want to comfort me....why am I crying? Krshna please tell me what to do....I am crying now...and the sad thing is I donno why am I crying....I have lost Kutty long time back...I donno why I am crying now but I am crying.....

Can I have appa now, I just want to put my head on his laps and sleep there....

Krshna, please help me....

Life

I have not stopped crying...it has been a week....and I am still crying.

I kept asking everyone if I will stop crying and the answer is the same, I will but why is it that deep inside me, I know I won't. I seriously donno what is it that I am going to look forward to in life...I donno how I am going to go on living, I know I will, I have seen this, life goes on no matter what, how I am going to lead that life is the grand question.

How I wish, I have appa now, can I just sit between his legs and ask him to protect me from all these? Can you please stroke my head appa and tell me it is okay and you are here for me. I know you'll be so heartbroken to see me crying like this, I know you did not bring me into this world to cry like this....I am trying appa, I am really trying not to cry, but you know me, I cry so easily......

Why do I loose all the men I love in my life so fast? Can't I have at least one that I can keep forever? Why do they go away so fast?

Frankly speaking, I donno why I am crying, I am just crying....sometimes I feel guilty crying. I tell myself it is not worth my tears, but this is my life, this is me, I have to go through this, I have to face this and somehow it is so hard, it is so so hard and I donno how to handle this!

Oh Krshna, can you please show me how to handle this? I know you are sending all your angels to help me but it is not working Krshna, my heart is not comforted and I donno what will make my heart okay or whether it will ever be okay again....

If only appa n anney are here, perhaps, just perhaps......