A month of fasting....
It has been 14 years since I last fasted for Purtassi. This is a family tradition or so I thought as when we were in Balik Pulau as no one else does Purtassi fasting. Anyway, nowadays lots of people are observing this too and it feels wonderful coz I do seem to fit in!
As I said earlier in my blog entry, this year I want to go all traditional and this is one other thing in the list. It feels great observing this fast. The children are doing it too... it was nice explaining to them why we are observing this and it was nice to have them all chipping in to do work. No one was complaining and everyone was enjoying carrying out the task (at least I hope so they were enjoying themselves). I just feel nice, it is like having the family to live on, I am cooking everyday.. waking up about 5.30 in the morning to make either breakfast or lunch...and in the evening I come home thinking what to cook for dinner...
I know why I am happy...I am reliving my life as when appa was around and that is putting a smile on my face now....
Showing posts with label appa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label appa. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Pongal
Pongal and a new begining...
There is this saying amongst the Tamilians that says Thai is here new paths will be opened...something like that...well I do beleive I am starting this year in a very positive manner.. I ushered in New Year with lots of hope and my Thai was also ushered in with lots of hopes and prayers of goodwill.
I made pongal like how appa did years back..somehow end of last year I decided I am going to go traditional this year and I started with Pongal. I collected bricks, firewood, sand and eevrything else needed to make pongal outside the house and not as I always do at the stove in the kitchen. I enjoyed myself doing it, was not stressed out running about getting the stuff....it is all in the mind!!
I bought the smallest possible earthen pot and it was so cute..
Thursday morning, as I was drawing the kolam, Hamlet was licking away the flour, every dot I made was eaten up and that really made my day, it was fun to have him around, jumping at me and being so curious on what I was holding in my hand and why I was busy walking in and out the house. Oh the dogs were adorable, all three sat and was looking at me talking to the fire and coaxing the milk to boil over....yes, I literally begged the milk to boil faster :-)
The pongal turned out good, it was sweet...the way I want my life to be...I realised something, I am certainly a happier person these days, I am taking life easy, whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I am trusting Krshna to take care of me whole heartedly..
As the saying goes......new beginnings, new paths, new friendships...all in 2010....all in good faith...
There is this saying amongst the Tamilians that says Thai is here new paths will be opened...something like that...well I do beleive I am starting this year in a very positive manner.. I ushered in New Year with lots of hope and my Thai was also ushered in with lots of hopes and prayers of goodwill.
I made pongal like how appa did years back..somehow end of last year I decided I am going to go traditional this year and I started with Pongal. I collected bricks, firewood, sand and eevrything else needed to make pongal outside the house and not as I always do at the stove in the kitchen. I enjoyed myself doing it, was not stressed out running about getting the stuff....it is all in the mind!!
I bought the smallest possible earthen pot and it was so cute..
Thursday morning, as I was drawing the kolam, Hamlet was licking away the flour, every dot I made was eaten up and that really made my day, it was fun to have him around, jumping at me and being so curious on what I was holding in my hand and why I was busy walking in and out the house. Oh the dogs were adorable, all three sat and was looking at me talking to the fire and coaxing the milk to boil over....yes, I literally begged the milk to boil faster :-)
The pongal turned out good, it was sweet...the way I want my life to be...I realised something, I am certainly a happier person these days, I am taking life easy, whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I am trusting Krshna to take care of me whole heartedly..
As the saying goes......new beginnings, new paths, new friendships...all in 2010....all in good faith...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Letter to my daughter
Got this from a mail.....
I received a mail this morning and it was titled as letter to my daughter... and yes I was thinking of my Sangeeta Hope. Yesterday evening had coffee with P and suddenly I said to her.."I will never have my Sangeeta Hope right?" It was just the other day when I was talking to Krshna that I told him that I know I am being very selfish for not thanking Him for all the things I have but I am just focusing on all the things I don't have or can't have....I know I have lots to be thankful for...
Anyway, I received this mail and this would be exactly what I will do if and when I have my Sangeeta Hope...I am still praying that Hope will walk into my life..... ya, now you would know why I need Sangeeta Hope, she is the hope in my life...
To My Daughter
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play..
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms , and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more DAY............
I do not want to do it just for this evening... I want to do it for everyday of her life... I am hoping and I know this is worth hoping for....
I received a mail this morning and it was titled as letter to my daughter... and yes I was thinking of my Sangeeta Hope. Yesterday evening had coffee with P and suddenly I said to her.."I will never have my Sangeeta Hope right?" It was just the other day when I was talking to Krshna that I told him that I know I am being very selfish for not thanking Him for all the things I have but I am just focusing on all the things I don't have or can't have....I know I have lots to be thankful for...
Anyway, I received this mail and this would be exactly what I will do if and when I have my Sangeeta Hope...I am still praying that Hope will walk into my life..... ya, now you would know why I need Sangeeta Hope, she is the hope in my life...
To My Daughter
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play..
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms , and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more DAY............
I do not want to do it just for this evening... I want to do it for everyday of her life... I am hoping and I know this is worth hoping for....
Thursday, October 8, 2009
40yr old spoilt brat
My doc is a spoilt brat.......
Doc does not even wash his own plate nor does he help his mom and dad at home...I told doc, thank god he did not have me in his house, else I would have spanked him for being so so so lazy...he said that is his privilege of being an only child and I countered that by saying that he is just a spoilt brat :-)
I told doc it is about time he helps his dad to put up the curtains, do the muruku and lift a finger at home when he said he has soft and nice hands and ontop of that he said that his dad is stronger than him......aiyoooooooo........doc.......sigh :-)
Yesterday over the chat, I asked doc if he will loan his appa to me for a short while as I really miss my appa...I know no one can replace my appa ..... but I think I just want a fatherly figure telling me and patting my head saying I belong to him.... this sense of wanting to belong to someone is much stronger during festival times.....I really do miss having my appa.....
Doc is bad....he refused to loan his appa to me...doc...can I have your appa just for an hour??
Doc does not even wash his own plate nor does he help his mom and dad at home...I told doc, thank god he did not have me in his house, else I would have spanked him for being so so so lazy...he said that is his privilege of being an only child and I countered that by saying that he is just a spoilt brat :-)
I told doc it is about time he helps his dad to put up the curtains, do the muruku and lift a finger at home when he said he has soft and nice hands and ontop of that he said that his dad is stronger than him......aiyoooooooo........doc.......sigh :-)
Yesterday over the chat, I asked doc if he will loan his appa to me for a short while as I really miss my appa...I know no one can replace my appa ..... but I think I just want a fatherly figure telling me and patting my head saying I belong to him.... this sense of wanting to belong to someone is much stronger during festival times.....I really do miss having my appa.....
Doc is bad....he refused to loan his appa to me...doc...can I have your appa just for an hour??
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Abhiyum Naanum
Wonderful movie....
Friends who know me well told me to watch this movie and I did watch the movie last week...and I seriously enjoyed the movie...I laughed and cried and I laughed and cried over and over...
I liked it when she told her dad that she knows what she is doing...how many times would I have said tat to my appa...I know I never told him straight to his face but I do think my actions would have spoken that statement to him....
I was always close to appa but I think I became closer to him when I was in college and appa will come and pick me up after college every nite and we would spend that time alone...just the 2 of us....and I would talk and appa listens.....I sing for him......I remember the song "The Summer of 69"...appa liked that song too..
I do hope I have someone like Abhi in my life...will it ever happen??
Friends who know me well told me to watch this movie and I did watch the movie last week...and I seriously enjoyed the movie...I laughed and cried and I laughed and cried over and over...
I liked it when she told her dad that she knows what she is doing...how many times would I have said tat to my appa...I know I never told him straight to his face but I do think my actions would have spoken that statement to him....
I was always close to appa but I think I became closer to him when I was in college and appa will come and pick me up after college every nite and we would spend that time alone...just the 2 of us....and I would talk and appa listens.....I sing for him......I remember the song "The Summer of 69"...appa liked that song too..
I do hope I have someone like Abhi in my life...will it ever happen??
Monday, March 30, 2009
Appa
Appa left me 13 years ago on 31st March...
It's been 13 years but I still can't get over this...everyone says time heals but I am not sure if that is true. I for one, can recall seconds by seconds what happened that day, how I held appa, how I knew when I saw him that this is the end, how anney cried seeing me cry, how I shut down the whole world after loosing appa...every single second of that nite still lives deep in my heart...I can see appa in my mind now and tears are flowing thinking about him...
I miss appa, I miss him alot. I miss sitting between his legs, I miss seeing him reading his newspaper and falling asleep, I miss eating his cooking, I miss talking to my appa, I miss being his little girl, I just miss appa so much...
I donno if appa would have been proud of me or disappointed with me but knowing appa, he would have been proud of me, he would have been happy seeing me not cry so much anymore...he would have been proud to see I have grown up...finally able to pay the bills or go to the market or just take charge of my life..I know he is proud of me...deep in me, I know appa approved all I did in my life...
The only way I can pay tribute to appa is to carry his name proudly and to be known as his daughter....that is very important for me...
Appa, wherever you are, I hope you are happy and I do hope you are looking at me now and have a smile on your face to see how I have grown to be...I have never said this to you...I love you appa....
It's been 13 years but I still can't get over this...everyone says time heals but I am not sure if that is true. I for one, can recall seconds by seconds what happened that day, how I held appa, how I knew when I saw him that this is the end, how anney cried seeing me cry, how I shut down the whole world after loosing appa...every single second of that nite still lives deep in my heart...I can see appa in my mind now and tears are flowing thinking about him...
I miss appa, I miss him alot. I miss sitting between his legs, I miss seeing him reading his newspaper and falling asleep, I miss eating his cooking, I miss talking to my appa, I miss being his little girl, I just miss appa so much...
I donno if appa would have been proud of me or disappointed with me but knowing appa, he would have been proud of me, he would have been happy seeing me not cry so much anymore...he would have been proud to see I have grown up...finally able to pay the bills or go to the market or just take charge of my life..I know he is proud of me...deep in me, I know appa approved all I did in my life...
The only way I can pay tribute to appa is to carry his name proudly and to be known as his daughter....that is very important for me...
Appa, wherever you are, I hope you are happy and I do hope you are looking at me now and have a smile on your face to see how I have grown to be...I have never said this to you...I love you appa....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Shoe laces and rainbows
Went for my walk this evening...
As I was walking, first I saw this monitor lizard crossing the road...it was big fella...anyway...I went on walking and sending doc an sms....it is not an easy task to do :-)
After a while, noticed my shoe laces were out so when I bent down to tie it, I remembered that it was appa who taught me how to tie my shoe laces. Appa had a few styles of tieing show laces and I remembered when I was going to kiddy, appa will tie my shoe laces till I was in standard 1. Then each time, I wash my shoes, appa will lace them back for me and yes, every week, I will have a new style :-) ohhhhh......I love these memories :-)
Half way walking met this couple who wanted to take photo, the girl was all dressed up in a beautiful saree, she looked lovely, the guy was shy....they asked me to take a snap of them and it was the girl who held his hands, I told them to get closer, I don't mind tat and that made them both laugh and I captured a wonderful laughter of both of them....lovely....
Final part of the walk and it started to rain.....and behold....double rainbows.....wonderful.....I fell in love :-)
Doc told me to enjoy every moment of my walk, look at the sun setting and saying good bye to me and saying I will see u tmr....lovely tots doc and thanks for sharing them with me.
I love my walks....I love my memories....what else can a girl ask for??
As I was walking, first I saw this monitor lizard crossing the road...it was big fella...anyway...I went on walking and sending doc an sms....it is not an easy task to do :-)
After a while, noticed my shoe laces were out so when I bent down to tie it, I remembered that it was appa who taught me how to tie my shoe laces. Appa had a few styles of tieing show laces and I remembered when I was going to kiddy, appa will tie my shoe laces till I was in standard 1. Then each time, I wash my shoes, appa will lace them back for me and yes, every week, I will have a new style :-) ohhhhh......I love these memories :-)
Half way walking met this couple who wanted to take photo, the girl was all dressed up in a beautiful saree, she looked lovely, the guy was shy....they asked me to take a snap of them and it was the girl who held his hands, I told them to get closer, I don't mind tat and that made them both laugh and I captured a wonderful laughter of both of them....lovely....
Final part of the walk and it started to rain.....and behold....double rainbows.....wonderful.....I fell in love :-)
Doc told me to enjoy every moment of my walk, look at the sun setting and saying good bye to me and saying I will see u tmr....lovely tots doc and thanks for sharing them with me.
I love my walks....I love my memories....what else can a girl ask for??
Friday, March 13, 2009
9193
This is my car's number...
Many have asked why do I like this number coz all the cars I have owned had the same digits...simple answer...appa...
The car appa used till he passed away was 9193 and after a couple of years, we had to sell off appa's car as it was giving us problems and we decided to sell the car and buy 2 new cars, one for my second sis and one for myself. My first car had a different number coz I could not choose the number but after that my second car, I made sure I choose 9193 and I am keeping to that tradition now, my latest car too bears the number 9193...
Do u think I hold so fondly to appa's memories......I guess the answer is yes.....I donno how else I can honour him.....as I said before, I will just do anything for appa.....if he had asked me not to marry a guy whom I think is my soulmate and my reason for living, I know, I would just follow wat appa would have wanted......
Was talking to someone yesterday and I actually told her that I am my appa's girl....and guess wat....I am very proud to be my appa's girl......
Many have asked why do I like this number coz all the cars I have owned had the same digits...simple answer...appa...
The car appa used till he passed away was 9193 and after a couple of years, we had to sell off appa's car as it was giving us problems and we decided to sell the car and buy 2 new cars, one for my second sis and one for myself. My first car had a different number coz I could not choose the number but after that my second car, I made sure I choose 9193 and I am keeping to that tradition now, my latest car too bears the number 9193...
Do u think I hold so fondly to appa's memories......I guess the answer is yes.....I donno how else I can honour him.....as I said before, I will just do anything for appa.....if he had asked me not to marry a guy whom I think is my soulmate and my reason for living, I know, I would just follow wat appa would have wanted......
Was talking to someone yesterday and I actually told her that I am my appa's girl....and guess wat....I am very proud to be my appa's girl......
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
My Lawyer
My lawyer called....
He called me on Friday to say that he had recieved the documents from Kutty and asked me to come over...yesterday afternoon I went to see my lawyer and he asked me if I am okay...I told him yes, finally, I am very okay .... I trully am....there is no sadness, there is no hurt...there is just peace and the feeling that I am a happy person in me...and I summed it all up and told my lawyer that I am very fine :-)
Anyway, the reason for this entry is to say something about my lawyer....My lawyer seems to be taking a fatherly role in my eyes. He talks to me so softly, calls me ma and he tells me story. Yesterday, he told me about his childhood, how he caught prawns in the river and how much he enjoyed jumping into the river n etc...he was sweet....then he told me that I will have to go to court with him 1 day and asked me not to fear anything, he will do all the talking and that I just have to be there with him...he was assuring me over and over that I will be fine..I just wanted to tell him that I am okay now but when I am with him, it feels like my appa telling me that life will be fine and I will be okay and hence I just let my lawyer be.....
I seriously donno what life is in store for me or for anyone for a fact but I am sure everyone of us will face watever that is going to come our way with a smile in our heart and face coz I have decided this is what I am going to do.......
I am going to smile and I want the whole world to smile with me :-)
He called me on Friday to say that he had recieved the documents from Kutty and asked me to come over...yesterday afternoon I went to see my lawyer and he asked me if I am okay...I told him yes, finally, I am very okay .... I trully am....there is no sadness, there is no hurt...there is just peace and the feeling that I am a happy person in me...and I summed it all up and told my lawyer that I am very fine :-)
Anyway, the reason for this entry is to say something about my lawyer....My lawyer seems to be taking a fatherly role in my eyes. He talks to me so softly, calls me ma and he tells me story. Yesterday, he told me about his childhood, how he caught prawns in the river and how much he enjoyed jumping into the river n etc...he was sweet....then he told me that I will have to go to court with him 1 day and asked me not to fear anything, he will do all the talking and that I just have to be there with him...he was assuring me over and over that I will be fine..I just wanted to tell him that I am okay now but when I am with him, it feels like my appa telling me that life will be fine and I will be okay and hence I just let my lawyer be.....
I seriously donno what life is in store for me or for anyone for a fact but I am sure everyone of us will face watever that is going to come our way with a smile in our heart and face coz I have decided this is what I am going to do.......
I am going to smile and I want the whole world to smile with me :-)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Appa's cooking
Appa cook.......
My second sis is here for the weekend and yesterday after picking her up from the airport we went for dinner and she asked me if I still remember how appa will fry keoy teow for us individually?...how can I forget...I was his little helper in the kitchen!
Well, appa can cook...but limited stuff. I am blessed to have both my parents who can cook. Amma is an excellent cook, she can bake as well...tat's the reason all of us (sisters) love to bake and cook....
Back to appa....he loves to fry noodles, he is the noodle champion in the house, amma does not go into tat area and appa will have a weekend for him to cook for us. It will usually be a Saturday nite...he will get all the stuff ready, I the little helper will have to count the number of shrimp each of us will be getting, I will be chopping the garlic and etc. Appa will then fry each plate according to personal spec and I am responsible to find out what each one wants...from extra spicy to more kuchai to etc... once appa fries it, I will be screaming for the others to come and collect their plate :-)
Appa can't cook any curries....the first time he attempted it, I told him pls don't torture us:-) He cooked when amma went to Kangar as akka was going to deliver Raj and appa was entrusted to take care of my second sis n me...and appa cooked...he cooked long beans in soy sauce...he just cut the long beans and boiled them in soy sauce...it was awfull.....so told him plsssssssss don't cook, just do fried rice and we can survive on that till amma came back :-)
Oh yes, appa's duty every evening is to make tea...he will make for himself a cup of milo and for amma black coffee and for the rest of us, tea and we will all sit at the dinning table during school holidays and have proper tea. I will normally sit next to anney...yep...remember my saviours??
I can see appa now in my mind...and I can see him in his sarong and singlet...and I see him smiling...I am happy......
Krshna.......thanks for giving me my appa........
My second sis is here for the weekend and yesterday after picking her up from the airport we went for dinner and she asked me if I still remember how appa will fry keoy teow for us individually?...how can I forget...I was his little helper in the kitchen!
Well, appa can cook...but limited stuff. I am blessed to have both my parents who can cook. Amma is an excellent cook, she can bake as well...tat's the reason all of us (sisters) love to bake and cook....
Back to appa....he loves to fry noodles, he is the noodle champion in the house, amma does not go into tat area and appa will have a weekend for him to cook for us. It will usually be a Saturday nite...he will get all the stuff ready, I the little helper will have to count the number of shrimp each of us will be getting, I will be chopping the garlic and etc. Appa will then fry each plate according to personal spec and I am responsible to find out what each one wants...from extra spicy to more kuchai to etc... once appa fries it, I will be screaming for the others to come and collect their plate :-)
Appa can't cook any curries....the first time he attempted it, I told him pls don't torture us:-) He cooked when amma went to Kangar as akka was going to deliver Raj and appa was entrusted to take care of my second sis n me...and appa cooked...he cooked long beans in soy sauce...he just cut the long beans and boiled them in soy sauce...it was awfull.....so told him plsssssssss don't cook, just do fried rice and we can survive on that till amma came back :-)
Oh yes, appa's duty every evening is to make tea...he will make for himself a cup of milo and for amma black coffee and for the rest of us, tea and we will all sit at the dinning table during school holidays and have proper tea. I will normally sit next to anney...yep...remember my saviours??
I can see appa now in my mind...and I can see him in his sarong and singlet...and I see him smiling...I am happy......
Krshna.......thanks for giving me my appa........
Friday, February 27, 2009
Yellow Saree
Tied saree to work today.
Last nite I tot I wanted to go to temple since it has been some time now I went to temple. Woke up in the morning, looked for a saree and found a very soft yellow coloured saree. This was the saree appa bought for me for the first time. Actually this shd be my 2nd saree appa bought, the first saree was for my 'coming to age' function...it was a sandal coloured silk saree...
Appa choose this saree for me, he went to the Sivasamy shop and choose this colour and when he showed it to me, I liked it as at that time in life, I liked the colour yellow...appa's tot was that the first saree that I am going to tie should be 'mangalam' coloured...good lord, this is making me cry...how my appa wanted me to have a successful life...he was the one who choose my name...he wanted my life to be happy...yes I know, all parents want their childrens' life to be happy and successful.....but can I still say that I have the world's most loving appa?? I wish each and everyone of us can say that about our appa or amma or anyone whom we love...
Anyway back to the saree...appa bought this when I was 17 for Diwali, I can still remember tying this saree to temple on Diwali morning and walking with appa to the temple...it was nice.....this was in 1988 and I still can remember all this! Today, I practically told everyone who commented about the saree that this was the first saree appa bought for me...and I am proud to tell this to everyone!
Krshna, thanks for the memories I have with my appa.....it is going to be 13 years come end of March when appa left me but memories about him will remain forever in my heart...I pray that till the last breath in me, I will have memories of appa in me!
Last nite I tot I wanted to go to temple since it has been some time now I went to temple. Woke up in the morning, looked for a saree and found a very soft yellow coloured saree. This was the saree appa bought for me for the first time. Actually this shd be my 2nd saree appa bought, the first saree was for my 'coming to age' function...it was a sandal coloured silk saree...
Appa choose this saree for me, he went to the Sivasamy shop and choose this colour and when he showed it to me, I liked it as at that time in life, I liked the colour yellow...appa's tot was that the first saree that I am going to tie should be 'mangalam' coloured...good lord, this is making me cry...how my appa wanted me to have a successful life...he was the one who choose my name...he wanted my life to be happy...yes I know, all parents want their childrens' life to be happy and successful.....but can I still say that I have the world's most loving appa?? I wish each and everyone of us can say that about our appa or amma or anyone whom we love...
Anyway back to the saree...appa bought this when I was 17 for Diwali, I can still remember tying this saree to temple on Diwali morning and walking with appa to the temple...it was nice.....this was in 1988 and I still can remember all this! Today, I practically told everyone who commented about the saree that this was the first saree appa bought for me...and I am proud to tell this to everyone!
Krshna, thanks for the memories I have with my appa.....it is going to be 13 years come end of March when appa left me but memories about him will remain forever in my heart...I pray that till the last breath in me, I will have memories of appa in me!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Life
I have not stopped crying...it has been a week....and I am still crying.
I kept asking everyone if I will stop crying and the answer is the same, I will but why is it that deep inside me, I know I won't. I seriously donno what is it that I am going to look forward to in life...I donno how I am going to go on living, I know I will, I have seen this, life goes on no matter what, how I am going to lead that life is the grand question.
How I wish, I have appa now, can I just sit between his legs and ask him to protect me from all these? Can you please stroke my head appa and tell me it is okay and you are here for me. I know you'll be so heartbroken to see me crying like this, I know you did not bring me into this world to cry like this....I am trying appa, I am really trying not to cry, but you know me, I cry so easily......
Why do I loose all the men I love in my life so fast? Can't I have at least one that I can keep forever? Why do they go away so fast?
Frankly speaking, I donno why I am crying, I am just crying....sometimes I feel guilty crying. I tell myself it is not worth my tears, but this is my life, this is me, I have to go through this, I have to face this and somehow it is so hard, it is so so hard and I donno how to handle this!
Oh Krshna, can you please show me how to handle this? I know you are sending all your angels to help me but it is not working Krshna, my heart is not comforted and I donno what will make my heart okay or whether it will ever be okay again....
If only appa n anney are here, perhaps, just perhaps......
I kept asking everyone if I will stop crying and the answer is the same, I will but why is it that deep inside me, I know I won't. I seriously donno what is it that I am going to look forward to in life...I donno how I am going to go on living, I know I will, I have seen this, life goes on no matter what, how I am going to lead that life is the grand question.
How I wish, I have appa now, can I just sit between his legs and ask him to protect me from all these? Can you please stroke my head appa and tell me it is okay and you are here for me. I know you'll be so heartbroken to see me crying like this, I know you did not bring me into this world to cry like this....I am trying appa, I am really trying not to cry, but you know me, I cry so easily......
Why do I loose all the men I love in my life so fast? Can't I have at least one that I can keep forever? Why do they go away so fast?
Frankly speaking, I donno why I am crying, I am just crying....sometimes I feel guilty crying. I tell myself it is not worth my tears, but this is my life, this is me, I have to go through this, I have to face this and somehow it is so hard, it is so so hard and I donno how to handle this!
Oh Krshna, can you please show me how to handle this? I know you are sending all your angels to help me but it is not working Krshna, my heart is not comforted and I donno what will make my heart okay or whether it will ever be okay again....
If only appa n anney are here, perhaps, just perhaps......
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