Sanjaya and Miss Pinky

Sanjaya has a friend.....

Doc sent me this pic, he got a mate for Sanjaya and doc n I happily named the new addition to the family as Miss Pinky...

Can I say I love my doc for being so sweet? Well doc, love you loads... I miss our chats... and my virtual hugs ..... I am really wondering, how many men would actually take a snap of a teddy bear and send it over to me??

The other day in class, my students saw this pic and I told them the story of how doc carried Sanjaya into the hotel coolly... all the girls were impressed :-)

When I told doc about it, he said it was easier to carry a teddy bear instead a lady into the hotel... this kind of answer will only come from my doc... once again can I say I love you loads doc? :-)

40yr old spoilt brat

My doc is a spoilt brat.......

Doc does not even wash his own plate nor does he help his mom and dad at home...I told doc, thank god he did not have me in his house, else I would have spanked him for being so so so lazy...he said that is his privilege of being an only child and I countered that by saying that he is just a spoilt brat :-)

I told doc it is about time he helps his dad to put up the curtains, do the muruku and lift a finger at home when he said he has soft and nice hands and ontop of that he said that his dad is stronger than him......aiyoooooooo........doc.......sigh :-)

Yesterday over the chat, I asked doc if he will loan his appa to me for a short while as I really miss my appa...I know no one can replace my appa ..... but I think I just want a fatherly figure telling me and patting my head saying I belong to him.... this sense of wanting to belong to someone is much stronger during festival times.....I really do miss having my appa.....

Doc is bad....he refused to loan his appa to me...doc...can I have your appa just for an hour??

Monday morning

I woke up early on Monday morning........

I am meeting my doc... and yes, I am excited...I told doc I could come to Taman Jaya station, now to get there, I have to take 2 trains, first the Star LRT from Sri Petaling and change at Masjid Jamek and take the Putra LRT. Sounds easy right? nope, not with my family....mama was telling me to be very careful, asked me to walk nearer to people, my nephew was worse still, he wanted to send me to where doc was suppose to pick me up...

I told my nephew, the moment I am in the car with my friend I will call him and I did that the moment I went into doc's car... ohh I loved the train rides...doc made me guilty as he mesagged me saying he was already waiting when the train just started moving at Sri Petaling...

Doc was waiting for me at the station and the first thing he did was to give me a hug...I did not feel ackward...but I do wish the hug was longer. We went to starbucks and I had my mocha latte whislt doc had his chocolate drink. We just chatted... I was telling doc about abang's wife and about the fear of leaving your family and coming to another country and all that stuff when doc told about how young his mom was when she married his dad and came to Malaysia...to a country where she does not know anyone nor the language...she was so young...that made me think hard about sacrifices people make...about their courage...about their strength...battles of each and everyone of us is so different but end of the day everyone of us have to face the unknown...

I had a very pleasant time with my doc...I thought of giving him a kiss on his cheeks when I got down the car but somehow I did not do that..why or what stopped me, I have no idea about it...I like my doc and I do love my doc and I do not want to spoil the way we are now...friends...priceless...

Doc....sorry for keeping you waiting the other day but thanks for asking me to come....been a while since anyone asked me to come.....

Missing my doc

Doc went missing....

My doc went to Singapore for 4 days and I missed him so much on the chat. I wanted to message him but stopped myself from doing that as I know doc will have to pay more to receive the messages...

Earlier doc went to Sabah and I thought I won't be hearing from him for a week but thank god, doc msged while he was at his meetings...now I am wondering what was doc doing? sure not paying attention in his meetings la tu ;-) bad doc.....

I am not sure if it is already a year since I found my doc but it sure feels I have known him all my life. It is so easy to talk to my doc, talk about anything......he just does not laugh at all the silly things I talk, from clouds, to my romeo and juliet, to even issues on hugs, kisses and intimacy...

I am chatting with doc now as I am writing this entry.... and he said that he hope he did not disappoint me....God, doc is one person in life who did not let me down....I met him when I was going through a very tough time in life......he gave me support that may be he never realised how important it was. I still have an sms from doc, I asked him if I will be okay when I found out the divorce was final, his reply " you will be more than ok...u will be better". Doc I read the sms each time I feel down, I know at least you have faith in me when I start loosing faith in myself...

I would like to make a toast.......to a friendship.....that is beautiful, loving, unconditional....to my doc......love u loads.....hugs......

Thinking

I have been thinking ....

Ya ya, it is not the first time I have been thinking...I have been thinking about some of the chats that I had with doc....the ones about love, one-nite-stands, marriages and etc...

I am wondering now if all that matters to me...has it changed? Have my principals and beliefs changed? I am not sure how to answer all my questions now...Doc told me not to think too much about it but I know myself well enough...I analyse every other thing that was said and done more than once...

I will have to have a chat session with doc to clear my missgivings...where r u doc? I miss our chats more than I miss you I think...:-)

The Morning After

Will he keep in touch or not????

I was having this question in my mind.....will doc be still my doc or is he going to go away?? My tots were put to rest when I received a good morning wish from doc and a wish for a beautiful day for me......it was lovely to wake up to that msg......

I do wish I can meet doc tonite, for a mocha since he does not know wat a mocha is....Well doc does not drink coffee or tea....only milo....cute right?? Kanak - kanak riang membesar :-)

I donno if last nite was the only nite I would have had with my doc....

My tots of doc.....he is gentle....does not say much.......attentive listener......very good in something I like to do..........a simple guy.......a sweet guy.......a great friend.....

Krshna, can you pls make doc to stay.......be my friend........just the way we are now.....I am happy with doc as we are ........

A lovely evening

I loved the way my day ended last nite.....

I had my black suit on to meet doc for dinner.....it was a rush, I was all afternoon doing exam papers for Ms L and the moment I left her place, doc msged saying he will be ready in 35 minutes...god I need that much time to reach home...

Rushed back, had a quick shower, got dressed and off I went to pick doc......he was smart in a batik....very casual but he looked good...I do think doc needs a few more kg to his bones....he will look better :-)

Anyway, after picking him, went back to the house, doc wanted to see my bears.....he did......but he said he was expecting for more.....may be, I should call doc again to the house after 10 years.....then may be I would have more bears :-)

From the house, we went to the Bulgarian restaurant.....along the way, as usual I was talking away and doc was listening.....I asked him if he had named the bear......oh ya, I gave doc a teddy bear for his 40th birthday...cool ya?? Wat was cooler was the fact doc carried the bear to the hotel without hiding it from anyone.....I really admire a guy who is confident of himself ......cool!

Anyway, dinner was okay, I enjoyed my food and doc I hope enjoyed the ambiance....it was a lovely dinner.......the only embarrassing part was my bracelet getting stuck to the table cloth....so when in the car, I asked him to remove the bracelet....coz it was getting stuck to my car seat as well....

We went for a drive all the way to Teluk Bahang and I do think doc was holding his heart in his hands looking at the way I was driving...he kept saying the roads were narrow and winding but I was as usual okay with the roads...after a while I was telling him my fingers are getting cold and asked him how he is doing when he replied saying my bracelet is keeping him warm....oh god....I was thinking in my mind 'can you please hold my hands and say you are keeping me warm" that I think would have really melted my heartlah.....biasakan hopeless romantic!

We just drove and I was pointing out places to him.....Gurney Drive....Coastal Road.....Penang Bridge and all the time thinking what am I suppose to do after this......I donno if doc was okay to be with me or not.....I did tell him in the beginging of the evening if he wants me to u-turn, I will do it....but he said no...let's go for dinner......

Well, when we were passing KFC I think doc felt safe.....he was on safe ground......the roads were straight and he knew eq was nearby and finally I guess he relaxed a bit...

The remainder part of the evening.......to summarise it....I did not expect how the evening would turn out to be.....it was beyond what I tot would be and I have no regrets to end my day with my doc in that manner....but I loved every moment I spent with him.......oh ya....Sanjaya....that's the name of the doc's teddy bear...

Doc, I know you would be reading this and I know I asked your permission to write how I felt.....but I still think somethings can't be written here but trust me I had a lovely nite.......

Blunder

I did something bad.......

I told doc I knew the place he was suppose to go and hence after picking from eq, I was happily driving him and showing him houses I like, the roads, we even went to say Hi to Romeo and Juliet....

I was so confident about the location of doc's first day of the conference but when we were there, I realised it was not the place and God, I felt so bad about the whole thing.....Doc would have been cursing me inside his heart but he was nice enough to tell me not to worry....but I felt so guilty for messing up his schedule/his morning!

The place was at the mainland....oh God.....I donno mainland.....matilah!!!

I told doc to take the ferry and cross over and then get a cab from there, that would have been faster than me driving him there and looking for the place.....and in my mind I tot doc was never going to see me again and he is not going to forgive me and he would have tot that I was the biggest mistake he had made in his life....

Man.....I felt so bad.....aiyooooooo.....dumb me!!!!

Anyhow, doc managed to go over to Butterworth and he managed to find the place easily and I felt a bit better...but I was trully sorry for messing up his morning!!

My Doc

I finally met him.........

Oh gosh, I finally met doc and I heard his voice and I did say that too to him :-)

I was a nervous wreck that morning, his flight was suppose to land at the Penang airport at 8.15am and when I entered the airport, it was 8.18am...good...I was not late... I sat looking out for my doc, somehow I know the moment I see him, he is going to be my doc...

As time passed, doc was not insight and I just could not sit anymore and so I stood and went behind a pillar and I would see everyone coming out from the arrival hall...and there he was, my doc, pulling his bag and having this lovely smile on his face and I could see his eyes were searching for me.....made my heart skip once as I witnessed the look of searching for someone in the crowd...

I went right infront of him and said.."I am here doc, I am not hiding from you" ...I have no idea why I said that, I know I was looking for something nice to say to doc, it is afterall my first words to him and I wanted to say something nice but these was all I could say...

Doc was cute, he did not know wat to do at the moment, I know I have been asking for hugs from him and I did tell him in a serious note over the chat that I will give him a hug when I see him at the airport and of course knowing me, I wouldn't dare do such things...

He was cool, I was nervous...perhaps I was scared of not being accepted by him, I donno, but somehow I know I talked too much and he did not. At first I thought he was shy but I realised it is not that, Doc is someone who listens rather than talk......so he listened to my chattering....

I have only one thing to say about my doc...it was nice to meet a friend..........

To be or not to be?

That's a question........

Doc asked me in chat whether if given a choice to be a man, would I accept it? My answer.....No... I told doc I like being who I am......I said I can cry and I can laugh and this is accepted by society, I told him I like my feminity.... like being who I am.....

I do believe there is no distinct difference between a man and woman besides the physical being..... emotionally/mentally I do believe we r the same.... I mean both genders get hurt, both r happy for various reasons.... I mean a broken heart hurts the same between a guy and a lady or it does not?

I donno if there is a right or wrong answer to this.....for me, after going through so much in life, I would still like to be a female......one who is strong to face the world and proud to hold her head high and walk with dignity for being born a lady....

40 hours

Just 40 hours to go.....

My doc will be here in less than 40 hours and I am excited, nervous, butterflies fluttering inside of me!!! Why am I feeling all these? I know why, I don't want to loose doc. I am afraid after meeting him, he just goes away.......like wat email guy did to P.

Doc is a wonderful friend and I want to keep him if he wants to stay......I asked doc this question.."Do you think things will change once we have met?" Doc replied......"don't be silly".....a girl can really fall for my doc :-)

Krshna, thank you for giving my doc to me........

Smile

I am smiling....

Saw doc online tadi and the time was 10.50pm ish...and doc put a smile on my face....I have no idea how doc can do tat to me but each time he comes on the chat, he does make me smile...I know when I am chatting with doc, he is one person who understands what I am saying and I really appreciate that.....

Well doc....terima kasih for ending a lovely Sunday.....

Fair Life?

I had this conversation with doc sometime back...

Doc and I were chatting and in the chat doc said my Krshna is unfair sometimes...I obviously have to defend my Krshnalah....but the thing is, I am the one who beleives that everything happens for a reason. Whatever we think that should not be happening to us, has a reason for it to happen...

I am looking at my own life, I was always always compared to my 2nd sister by everyone...she is the fair and slim, brainy person and etc and I on the other hand is totally the opposite...I know ppl were being unfair for comparing us but somehow I was okay with all that...I knew that I am who I am and from young I knew that I am special in my own way and Krshna created me like who I am for a reason....I am a happy person by nature...eventhough I have gone through lots of pain and hardship, I know I am the one that smiles easily.... I hardly carry a grudge and I am the one who thinks life is beautiful...so there is fairness in the way Krshna created all of us. He knows when He made me, I will be who I am today....blessed with friends, with a heart that falls in love with everything, with a passion for words, with a smile on my face, with a conscience heart and mind....well I am glad for all those things that happened in my life coz now I know Krshna made me strong enough to handle them all....

I donno doc, may be I am not making sense....whatever that happens doc, I do think it is meant to be that way...whether we get what we wish for or don't get it, I think Krshna knows best. He might be thinking that we should not get what we are wishing for coz it might not be good for us...I donno if I am making sense or not but this is what I believe in....if I don't get it means it was not good enough for me and Krshna will soon show me the right path...

Well I do hope doc gets what he needs and deserves in his life....all the best doc...I have high hopes in you and if you have to do it again, I shall get you the forms once again.....keep hoping doc....what is meant to be yours will be yours......

Asking my doc

I asked doc a very important question today....

I asked doc if I can have him...he asked in what sense...I told him...can I have him for emotional support and hugs n kisses :-) Actually I want doc for more than that.....I know you'll be reading this doc...and as I don't have the time to chat with you, let me tell you what I want you for....

I want you to be there as a friend, to tell me that I will be fine, to tell me that this is a beautiful life when I see the ugliness in mankind, to tell me to keep going on when I am tired of fighting it all, to tell me to smile when I forget to smile, to tell me to slow down and smell the roses when I speed through life.....this is the emotional support I am looking for doc.

At this instance I am writing this blog, I am feeling harrassed.....I just want to drop it all and go away somewhere....well doc, can I have you to go away somewhere? I am so into going to Pulau Perhentian since the day Dumbo told me to go there but I still could not find anyone to go with...so doc, can I have you for that?

I am very very sure if my doc is reading this, he is going to freak out and run away from me :-)

Now my question arises.....is this asking too much from my doc??

Missing him

I miss him......

My doc, I actually miss my doc....I know I have not spoken to my doc and I know I will get an sms here and then from him but somehow I miss chatting with my doc. I have like tonnes of questions to ask my doc and I know somehow doc will either make me confused further or make me realise what I have already known but denied it......

I know what my doc will say now......u r not missing me, u r just missing talking to someone.....Tak taulah who or what I am missing now but at this moment, I wish I can chat with my doc....I need to tell him about the latest addition to my collection of softtoys..a green coloured dinosaur who is actually Barney's friend. P told me the dino's name is Jessie......

This birthday, I have Jessie and Mr & Mrs White.....nice....

Oh yes, my immediate wish did not come true on my birthday but I know Krshna will give me my wish soon....... :-)

Rainbow

I saw a rainbow this morning...

Saw this beautiful rainbow when I walked out from my house to the car this morning and I fell in love with life.....I stopped at the bank as my 2nd sis wanted to go to the bank when I text doc to wish him a good morning and to tell him about the rainbow...

Doc replied wishing me a colourful day as well....and that made me smile the whole day......

I am in a happy mood these past few days....look at my yoyo life, on Monday was feeling so depressed and now I am on top of the world...I am cool :-)

Oh yes, I coloured my hair yesterday...asked doc if I am loosing my mind or am I going through mid-life crisis? My doc replied ever so sweetly....said i will look wonderful with new colour in my hair and doc said "all the best gal".....yeah....very sweet doc :-)

Spring cleaning

I am cleaning up my life....

Been doing a lot of thinking and feeling very down at this moment...I know this is the cycle that I go through once in a while. This feeling gradually built since Saturday evening. On my walk on Saturday I saw 2 adorable boys.......1 boy called me aunty and screamed his lungs out to greet me and to bid me good byes......another was a less than 2 years wearing a cute blue football jersey and had a wonderful smile on his face......both the boys stole my heart...and made me realise how much I missed this feeling....

Late at nite, I was chatting with my doc when he made me realise that I am missing love and missing being in love and not the act of showing the love...of course I know I miss kissing and I miss hugs but it is actually the feeling of being in love that I am missing most......and doc somehow made me realise it.......

Last nite, I spoke to Kutty when I realised he did not love me coz if he did he wouldn't have done everything he did....I felt so betrayed and ashamed of myself for beleiving all these while that he actually loved me.....I felt so lonely, never felt tat bad ever in my life.......I guess I just woke up..no more in the denial stages....it is so tough and sadly, I had no one to talk to then....I wanted to msg my doc but it was 2am and I know better than to disturb doc, so I ended up talking to Krshna till I fell asleep...

In the morning, I knew I had to talk to my doc, msged him in the morning. I am now going through the process of cleaning up my life, throwing away all these unwanted emotions, throwing away all the unnessasary tots.......

Doc came online and I poured everything out to him and as usual, doc being my savior listened to me....he asked me to be patient....of what I donno but that is what he asked me to do.....he told me to trust God and only God.....yes.....I am doing that......I know I am not able to trust any man anymore.......doc finally understood what I was talking about...he understood that I wanted to belong to someone as for now, I have no one to say mine.....not even my doc.....as my doc was not mine to begin with ....

Doc is sweet.......I donno how my doc is so patient with me......I donno why he is so patient with me.......but I am glad he is......I told doc that he can't blame me if I fall in love with him but I know I won't.......doc is here to take care of me, to heal me and I am not going to spoil this relationship by falling in love with him. I know I will love my doc....it is a different kind of love......wat it is I don't know but I know I love my doc.....

To doc......thanks for coming into my life.......thanks for sacrificing ur lunch for me.....thanks for being there for me eventhough I am a stranger to you.....thanks for making my days brighter with ur sun rays......thanks for the love........thanks for understanding me.....thanks for all the virtual hugs n kisses and most of all.........thanks for just being u.......

Love you loads doc and I mean it too.......

Shoe laces and rainbows

Went for my walk this evening...

As I was walking, first I saw this monitor lizard crossing the road...it was big fella...anyway...I went on walking and sending doc an sms....it is not an easy task to do :-)

After a while, noticed my shoe laces were out so when I bent down to tie it, I remembered that it was appa who taught me how to tie my shoe laces. Appa had a few styles of tieing show laces and I remembered when I was going to kiddy, appa will tie my shoe laces till I was in standard 1. Then each time, I wash my shoes, appa will lace them back for me and yes, every week, I will have a new style :-) ohhhhh......I love these memories :-)

Half way walking met this couple who wanted to take photo, the girl was all dressed up in a beautiful saree, she looked lovely, the guy was shy....they asked me to take a snap of them and it was the girl who held his hands, I told them to get closer, I don't mind tat and that made them both laugh and I captured a wonderful laughter of both of them....lovely....

Final part of the walk and it started to rain.....and behold....double rainbows.....wonderful.....I fell in love :-)

Doc told me to enjoy every moment of my walk, look at the sun setting and saying good bye to me and saying I will see u tmr....lovely tots doc and thanks for sharing them with me.

I love my walks....I love my memories....what else can a girl ask for??

Doc's quote of the day

My doc gave this quote to me today and I tot it should be here with the rest of my tots....

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.... example: If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her!!!

Nice right? Doc said women are special souls and every woman should be treated as a princess.....now pray tell me why I should not fall flat for my doc :-)

Very sweet of my doc...love u loads doc.......

The Guardian

I saw 1 episode form the Guardian this morning and I realised something...

This episode was about a boy who saw his dad stabbing his mom to death and the boy's lawyer finds out that the dad did so because he was depressed and the doctor precribed a wrong medicine to him that resulted in the dad not knowing what he was doing. Once the boy knew that it was not 'his dad' that did that, he forgave his father and he understood the situation. But the father, once he knew what he did to his wife, could not forgive himself and did not want to have any custody over the son as he feels he is not fit to be a dad.....

The lawyer will ask the boy whether he is okay and the boy will say no and his tears comes rolling down...the boy then leans to his lawyer and all he wanted was a touch...a hug...an assurance that life will be fine....an assurance that he will be with his dad...just an assurance....

Now, what was the impact of this show on me??? I wanted an assurance too....I know I am not a young thing lost in this world not able to fend for myself...I am an adult, able to think, able to decide, able to do lots of things but at the same time..I just want assurance that life will be fine...

I donno why, the only person whom I could think of at that time was my doc, I was thinking, if I ever meet doc, all I want is just a lean on his shoulders...a hug....an assurance that I will be fine...and that's all I need/want at this moment..

Now as I am writing this entry, I am wondering why was it I am looking for an assurance from my doc...I donno why seriously...may be just may be coz I can talk to my doc about anything and everything and may be because there is nothing else than a friendship with my doc...well, whatever the reason is doc (I know you'll read this)...can I just have a hug from you???