I am cleaning up my life....
Been doing a lot of thinking and feeling very down at this moment...I know this is the cycle that I go through once in a while. This feeling gradually built since Saturday evening. On my walk on Saturday I saw 2 adorable boys.......1 boy called me aunty and screamed his lungs out to greet me and to bid me good byes......another was a less than 2 years wearing a cute blue football jersey and had a wonderful smile on his face......both the boys stole my heart...and made me realise how much I missed this feeling....
Late at nite, I was chatting with my doc when he made me realise that I am missing love and missing being in love and not the act of showing the love...of course I know I miss kissing and I miss hugs but it is actually the feeling of being in love that I am missing most......and doc somehow made me realise it.......
Last nite, I spoke to Kutty when I realised he did not love me coz if he did he wouldn't have done everything he did....I felt so betrayed and ashamed of myself for beleiving all these while that he actually loved me.....I felt so lonely, never felt tat bad ever in my life.......I guess I just woke up..no more in the denial stages....it is so tough and sadly, I had no one to talk to then....I wanted to msg my doc but it was 2am and I know better than to disturb doc, so I ended up talking to Krshna till I fell asleep...
In the morning, I knew I had to talk to my doc, msged him in the morning. I am now going through the process of cleaning up my life, throwing away all these unwanted emotions, throwing away all the unnessasary tots.......
Doc came online and I poured everything out to him and as usual, doc being my savior listened to me....he asked me to be patient....of what I donno but that is what he asked me to do.....he told me to trust God and only God.....yes.....I am doing that......I know I am not able to trust any man anymore.......doc finally understood what I was talking about...he understood that I wanted to belong to someone as for now, I have no one to say mine.....not even my doc.....as my doc was not mine to begin with ....
Doc is sweet.......I donno how my doc is so patient with me......I donno why he is so patient with me.......but I am glad he is......I told doc that he can't blame me if I fall in love with him but I know I won't.......doc is here to take care of me, to heal me and I am not going to spoil this relationship by falling in love with him. I know I will love my doc....it is a different kind of love......wat it is I don't know but I know I love my doc.....
To doc......thanks for coming into my life.......thanks for sacrificing ur lunch for me.....thanks for being there for me eventhough I am a stranger to you.....thanks for making my days brighter with ur sun rays......thanks for the love........thanks for understanding me.....thanks for all the virtual hugs n kisses and most of all.........thanks for just being u.......
Love you loads doc and I mean it too.......
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