Got this from a mail.....
I received a mail this morning and it was titled as letter to my daughter... and yes I was thinking of my Sangeeta Hope. Yesterday evening had coffee with P and suddenly I said to her.."I will never have my Sangeeta Hope right?" It was just the other day when I was talking to Krshna that I told him that I know I am being very selfish for not thanking Him for all the things I have but I am just focusing on all the things I don't have or can't have....I know I have lots to be thankful for...
Anyway, I received this mail and this would be exactly what I will do if and when I have my Sangeeta Hope...I am still praying that Hope will walk into my life..... ya, now you would know why I need Sangeeta Hope, she is the hope in my life...
To My Daughter
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play..
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms , and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more DAY............
I do not want to do it just for this evening... I want to do it for everyday of her life... I am hoping and I know this is worth hoping for....
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Miserable Friday
I had a tough Friday.....
I was basically crying the whole of Friday, it is Diwali the next day and I am feeling sad as I don't have anyone in my life....it just got overwhelming...the feeling that I am all alone in this world...that's the reason I decided to call my friends over for lunch...at least something to look forward to...something to cook... a reason to wake up and get dressed!!
Affair asked me to go over to his place in NT but I finished work late on Friday and on top of that, I was not in the mood to go anywhere... I called him on my way back and he said he was waiting for me since 5pm...I felt bad, I asked him if he wants me to come now, he said no, it is late... he asked me what is wrong when I told him that I know I am all alone in this world, he asked me to repeat my statement, I told him again the same thing, and for the 3rd time he asked me to say it again...it irritated me and I asked can't you hear what I am saying? He said no, it is not that, he told me to stop talking to him if I keep saying I have no one in this world...it caught me by surprise, he was sweet indeed.... I did tell him that he does not belong to me and vice versa and that is not what I am looking for in him...he said he knows that....he said no one is alone in this world....he was trying to cheer me up.....yes, as what P told me, he was being very sweet...
I was sad.....Kutty did not call me for 3 days and all I was thinking....Krshna, of all the things I told him, this is the only 1 he is following....I am hopeless...I don't deny that for a moment...
I was basically crying the whole of Friday, it is Diwali the next day and I am feeling sad as I don't have anyone in my life....it just got overwhelming...the feeling that I am all alone in this world...that's the reason I decided to call my friends over for lunch...at least something to look forward to...something to cook... a reason to wake up and get dressed!!
Affair asked me to go over to his place in NT but I finished work late on Friday and on top of that, I was not in the mood to go anywhere... I called him on my way back and he said he was waiting for me since 5pm...I felt bad, I asked him if he wants me to come now, he said no, it is late... he asked me what is wrong when I told him that I know I am all alone in this world, he asked me to repeat my statement, I told him again the same thing, and for the 3rd time he asked me to say it again...it irritated me and I asked can't you hear what I am saying? He said no, it is not that, he told me to stop talking to him if I keep saying I have no one in this world...it caught me by surprise, he was sweet indeed.... I did tell him that he does not belong to me and vice versa and that is not what I am looking for in him...he said he knows that....he said no one is alone in this world....he was trying to cheer me up.....yes, as what P told me, he was being very sweet...
I was sad.....Kutty did not call me for 3 days and all I was thinking....Krshna, of all the things I told him, this is the only 1 he is following....I am hopeless...I don't deny that for a moment...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
One by one
I am letting go one by one...
First I started to let go Kutty by deciding to get the divorce...I removed the thalli and minji and my pottu on the forehead.....next I did was to stop calling him, he still calls me everyday but once in a while he goes missing for a couple of days but I still don't call him or eagerly wait for his calls.....
Then I threw away the photo.....discarded the thalli....and last night....I finally told him not to call me everyday anymore as it is difficult for me to handle the whole situation. I know he is happy...happy that his life is perfect....and I am happy for him but at the same time I am not able to handle that as it hurts me as well...am I jealous? no...I am just sad as I don't have anyone in my life and he was the one in my life and that makes me cry.....
I asked P this morning, will our lives be okay? She said yeah, we will cry more than we will laugh but we will be okay.... that's when I told her that I want to do something... I want to look forward to an occassion every month....this month, it is going to be her house warming, am going to tie my orange saree, wear the orange earings n orange bangles ( doc said I would look bright :-), December am looking forward to my trip to Singapore and meeting Mrs Choo....as for November I told P I shall have my fling/affair :-)
I need a reason to wake up every morning and to look forward to something....and this is what I have decided to do to heal myself from this heartache....I donno if this will work or not but I told myself...no harm in trying.....
First I started to let go Kutty by deciding to get the divorce...I removed the thalli and minji and my pottu on the forehead.....next I did was to stop calling him, he still calls me everyday but once in a while he goes missing for a couple of days but I still don't call him or eagerly wait for his calls.....
Then I threw away the photo.....discarded the thalli....and last night....I finally told him not to call me everyday anymore as it is difficult for me to handle the whole situation. I know he is happy...happy that his life is perfect....and I am happy for him but at the same time I am not able to handle that as it hurts me as well...am I jealous? no...I am just sad as I don't have anyone in my life and he was the one in my life and that makes me cry.....
I asked P this morning, will our lives be okay? She said yeah, we will cry more than we will laugh but we will be okay.... that's when I told her that I want to do something... I want to look forward to an occassion every month....this month, it is going to be her house warming, am going to tie my orange saree, wear the orange earings n orange bangles ( doc said I would look bright :-), December am looking forward to my trip to Singapore and meeting Mrs Choo....as for November I told P I shall have my fling/affair :-)
I need a reason to wake up every morning and to look forward to something....and this is what I have decided to do to heal myself from this heartache....I donno if this will work or not but I told myself...no harm in trying.....
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Another Promise
He promised again........
Kutty called and he said he will come and see me one day and that made me cry...P was with me and I told her what happened...why is he telling me this he wants me to wait for him? I was telling her, I used to put my life on hold and wait for him to come to live my life...only now I am living my life for the moment and here he comes promising me again that he will walk into my life....
I know why I cried... I have told myself there is nothing between him and me but I do know that I still do love him... I do not know how to unlove him... am trying to move on and I do think I am making some good steps forward...
The call made me think and I told P, may be, I should just go and do something with someone...that's when she said...you want to have an affair with affair is it? It sounded like a great idea. I know affair and I are okay with each other ..... when I told doc about kutty's promise, he said, don't put too much hope in it and then I told him about what I intend to do, to have my fling, he said go ahead, he said love is an overated emotion and I added to that by saying marriage is also an overrated thing....are we so frustrated that we are saying this or are we so wise that we found the truth??? Makes you wonder right???
Anyway, I donno what I am going to do but if I am going to have an affair with affair....it will do good for me and I am sure I am not going to regret it.......
Kutty called and he said he will come and see me one day and that made me cry...P was with me and I told her what happened...why is he telling me this he wants me to wait for him? I was telling her, I used to put my life on hold and wait for him to come to live my life...only now I am living my life for the moment and here he comes promising me again that he will walk into my life....
I know why I cried... I have told myself there is nothing between him and me but I do know that I still do love him... I do not know how to unlove him... am trying to move on and I do think I am making some good steps forward...
The call made me think and I told P, may be, I should just go and do something with someone...that's when she said...you want to have an affair with affair is it? It sounded like a great idea. I know affair and I are okay with each other ..... when I told doc about kutty's promise, he said, don't put too much hope in it and then I told him about what I intend to do, to have my fling, he said go ahead, he said love is an overated emotion and I added to that by saying marriage is also an overrated thing....are we so frustrated that we are saying this or are we so wise that we found the truth??? Makes you wonder right???
Anyway, I donno what I am going to do but if I am going to have an affair with affair....it will do good for me and I am sure I am not going to regret it.......
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Promises and changes
People change.....
I am not sure why I need to write about this but I know this is something I have been thinking for a long time...Once in class, there was this title Promises...Promises...that was presented by 1 of the groups and I asked my partner ... why do people promise when they can't keep it... he as usual looked at me and said he does not know and he could not justify why people do so...he knew what I was talking about...
Kutty promised so many things to me...as simple as he will call me everyday to as complex as being with me for the rest of my life...but unfortunately...he is not keeping any of his promises..I do think about him..why do I do that? I donno but somehow I know I will never be able to forget about him even if I try hard to do so..he is embedded into me..I don't think I am anywhere in his memory or heart or thoughts...basically I am out of his life... he changed so fast...why am I not able to do this?
I did ask doc too, how come Kutty can change so fast and move on with his life...doc said people just change..but why then doc I am not changing.. I do belong to the category of people as well right? Krshna created me the same as others but why is it I am different? Why am not able to forget every promise...every moment spent together... every whisper...
Am happy and sad at the same moment...happy coz I know Kutty is happy...his family is coming soon and he is busy preparing to welcome them...yesterday was his daughter's birthday and when he called me in the morning, I reminded him about that...sad coz I know I am not welcoming anyone into my life...and I know I don't have anyone to welcome into my life as well..
This morning as I was driving to work, I was seriously thinking, may be I should just have a relationship with someone, no promises to be together for the rest of our lives...just at this moment be together... I really need an arm around me...is this wrong to ask??
I might just be making an indecent proposal soon and I know to whom I am going to propose to as well...Krshna if this is wrong and I am going to hurt myself, pls forgive me and pls be there to help me to cope with whatever pain I am bound to incur....
I am not sure why I need to write about this but I know this is something I have been thinking for a long time...Once in class, there was this title Promises...Promises...that was presented by 1 of the groups and I asked my partner ... why do people promise when they can't keep it... he as usual looked at me and said he does not know and he could not justify why people do so...he knew what I was talking about...
Kutty promised so many things to me...as simple as he will call me everyday to as complex as being with me for the rest of my life...but unfortunately...he is not keeping any of his promises..I do think about him..why do I do that? I donno but somehow I know I will never be able to forget about him even if I try hard to do so..he is embedded into me..I don't think I am anywhere in his memory or heart or thoughts...basically I am out of his life... he changed so fast...why am I not able to do this?
I did ask doc too, how come Kutty can change so fast and move on with his life...doc said people just change..but why then doc I am not changing.. I do belong to the category of people as well right? Krshna created me the same as others but why is it I am different? Why am not able to forget every promise...every moment spent together... every whisper...
Am happy and sad at the same moment...happy coz I know Kutty is happy...his family is coming soon and he is busy preparing to welcome them...yesterday was his daughter's birthday and when he called me in the morning, I reminded him about that...sad coz I know I am not welcoming anyone into my life...and I know I don't have anyone to welcome into my life as well..
This morning as I was driving to work, I was seriously thinking, may be I should just have a relationship with someone, no promises to be together for the rest of our lives...just at this moment be together... I really need an arm around me...is this wrong to ask??
I might just be making an indecent proposal soon and I know to whom I am going to propose to as well...Krshna if this is wrong and I am going to hurt myself, pls forgive me and pls be there to help me to cope with whatever pain I am bound to incur....
Thursday, October 8, 2009
40yr old spoilt brat
My doc is a spoilt brat.......
Doc does not even wash his own plate nor does he help his mom and dad at home...I told doc, thank god he did not have me in his house, else I would have spanked him for being so so so lazy...he said that is his privilege of being an only child and I countered that by saying that he is just a spoilt brat :-)
I told doc it is about time he helps his dad to put up the curtains, do the muruku and lift a finger at home when he said he has soft and nice hands and ontop of that he said that his dad is stronger than him......aiyoooooooo........doc.......sigh :-)
Yesterday over the chat, I asked doc if he will loan his appa to me for a short while as I really miss my appa...I know no one can replace my appa ..... but I think I just want a fatherly figure telling me and patting my head saying I belong to him.... this sense of wanting to belong to someone is much stronger during festival times.....I really do miss having my appa.....
Doc is bad....he refused to loan his appa to me...doc...can I have your appa just for an hour??
Doc does not even wash his own plate nor does he help his mom and dad at home...I told doc, thank god he did not have me in his house, else I would have spanked him for being so so so lazy...he said that is his privilege of being an only child and I countered that by saying that he is just a spoilt brat :-)
I told doc it is about time he helps his dad to put up the curtains, do the muruku and lift a finger at home when he said he has soft and nice hands and ontop of that he said that his dad is stronger than him......aiyoooooooo........doc.......sigh :-)
Yesterday over the chat, I asked doc if he will loan his appa to me for a short while as I really miss my appa...I know no one can replace my appa ..... but I think I just want a fatherly figure telling me and patting my head saying I belong to him.... this sense of wanting to belong to someone is much stronger during festival times.....I really do miss having my appa.....
Doc is bad....he refused to loan his appa to me...doc...can I have your appa just for an hour??
My storybook ending
I have a perfect story book ending....
Yesterday during dinner P said if email guy would have asked her to marry him, she might have answered yes.....unfortunately email guy has been missing for the past 6 months..... that's when I told her my theory...... perhaps email guy is giving himself a 6 month period to wait and see and decide if he still needs her in his life and if the answer is yes, then he will come to her... I told her that he is going to come and tell her that the last 6 months were the worst 6 months in his entire life as he was not able to talk to her, see her, be with her, and not tell her why he did that and etc....then he will go to his knees and ask her to marry him.....and eventhough she would be so angry with him for disappearing for 6 months.....love takes over and she will just fall into his arms and accepts him and they will live happily forever........
She looked up at me and she said "ya....this is only going to happen in a story book..." of course I tambah sikit here and there la.....but seriously...how nice if this is real..email guy comes and proposes and they do live happily ever after......I can pray ......I can hope......I can wish.......but end of the day.....it is still in God's hands......
I told P, this is the romantic fool in me that came up with the ending....Krshna, will I ever grow up and face reality???
Yesterday during dinner P said if email guy would have asked her to marry him, she might have answered yes.....unfortunately email guy has been missing for the past 6 months..... that's when I told her my theory...... perhaps email guy is giving himself a 6 month period to wait and see and decide if he still needs her in his life and if the answer is yes, then he will come to her... I told her that he is going to come and tell her that the last 6 months were the worst 6 months in his entire life as he was not able to talk to her, see her, be with her, and not tell her why he did that and etc....then he will go to his knees and ask her to marry him.....and eventhough she would be so angry with him for disappearing for 6 months.....love takes over and she will just fall into his arms and accepts him and they will live happily forever........
She looked up at me and she said "ya....this is only going to happen in a story book..." of course I tambah sikit here and there la.....but seriously...how nice if this is real..email guy comes and proposes and they do live happily ever after......I can pray ......I can hope......I can wish.......but end of the day.....it is still in God's hands......
I told P, this is the romantic fool in me that came up with the ending....Krshna, will I ever grow up and face reality???
Far from the maddening crowd
I hated being in Market St last nite.......
I had to do Diwali shopping last nite as I am going to make muruku and etc on Saturday. I do think this is the first year that I went to Market St so close to Diwali and the place was like a zoo...it was so crowded and the shops were blaring their speakers so loud.....
I did find a cute Punjabi Suit for anney's lil girl...am being a good athai :-) I even bought for her bangles...lots of them...and I bought for myself an orange coloured set of bangles too...to match with my orange saree...now I have matching earings, bangles...only thing missing is necklace....
Anyway, it was a relief to be away from the maddening crowd last nite....
When I reached home, I cried, I don't know how many more Diwalis, birthdays, Ponggals, festivities I am going to spend on my own......at least last year, I still had Kutty belonging to me.....but now......no one in my life.........
I know whatever it is going to be......this is something I have to face as well..........
I had to do Diwali shopping last nite as I am going to make muruku and etc on Saturday. I do think this is the first year that I went to Market St so close to Diwali and the place was like a zoo...it was so crowded and the shops were blaring their speakers so loud.....
I did find a cute Punjabi Suit for anney's lil girl...am being a good athai :-) I even bought for her bangles...lots of them...and I bought for myself an orange coloured set of bangles too...to match with my orange saree...now I have matching earings, bangles...only thing missing is necklace....
Anyway, it was a relief to be away from the maddening crowd last nite....
When I reached home, I cried, I don't know how many more Diwalis, birthdays, Ponggals, festivities I am going to spend on my own......at least last year, I still had Kutty belonging to me.....but now......no one in my life.........
I know whatever it is going to be......this is something I have to face as well..........
Ripples and Storms
Guys who create them in our lives......
P has been telling about her crush causing ripples in her life everytime he calls or sends her a message and etc.... I told her ya, I have my partner causing a storm in my life at this moment!!
We were thinking about all those guys who either created ripples or storms in our lives and we thought about us creating ripples in others life that we would have not known.... life is a circle I guess.....
I do believe that all the ripples and storms in life that is making my life colourful and worthwhile living...
P has been telling about her crush causing ripples in her life everytime he calls or sends her a message and etc.... I told her ya, I have my partner causing a storm in my life at this moment!!
We were thinking about all those guys who either created ripples or storms in our lives and we thought about us creating ripples in others life that we would have not known.... life is a circle I guess.....
I do believe that all the ripples and storms in life that is making my life colourful and worthwhile living...
A J
The first guy who proposed marriage to me....
I got to know AJ when he was in Scotland...it was 1995.....I was planning to go to Glasgow to do my masters and when I surfed for info, I came across Uni of Strathclyde... I mailed their student support and received an email from AJ...and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
AJ was a sweet Delhi-walla who was doing his Masters in International Business, he was single and he was nice...we wrote emails initially till he went back to Delhi and our emails became snail mails and we write...both of us...and when I mean by writing, I am talking about receiving aletter 8 or 10 pages long and I will match the length as well...
We really got to know each other well during those years of writing...we have never spoken on the phone... 1 day, AJ's work took him to Jakarta and from Jakarta he flew to Bangkok and later back home. It was in Bangkok airport that he called me...I was just entering my house when the phone rang and I guess I was shocked to know it was him...we spoke for a while...I was quiet...yeap...that was seriously not me!! He told me that when flying from Jakarta to Bangkok, he knew he was passing Penang and he was wishing that the plane would just stopover in Penang...he was sweet...
He went back to Delhi and the next thing I knew, I recieved an express mail...he was asking for my jathagam...he had told his family his intention to marry me...he calls me his international bride...it was 1997..I just lost my appa...and I could not bring myself to leave my family to be with him...I was young..scared of the unknown...new language, new people...and I said no...
End of 1997, I went to South India and the moment I set foot in Chennai, I called him...I will tell him where I will be staying and will give my hotel details and I know in the evening he will call me and we will talk for hours...whenever possible, I will call him...I got very familiar with STDs in South India..I will look for them whereever we went...from Ooty to Mysore to Tanjavoor... he kept telling me to come to Delhi...just take a flight and come and meet my family...that is what he told me....
In Feb 1998, he got married to a girl of his family's choice...nope...it did not break my heart...I love AJ but at the same time I knew I won't fit into his environment....
I did meet him...in 1999...the moment I saw him...I received a big hug....I know how much we loved each other.... his wife was not with him at that time, she was back in her mom's house...it was good to have met him...eventhough we did not say anything to each other but we knew we had something special...his mom was scared that we would do something...so she will always send a chaperone :-)
Anyway, lots of things happened in our lives.... till today we are good friends.....I know if he is okay or not by just looking at the hello in his mails....he will always send me an email the moment I think about him and somehow I know something is not right with him in my heart....
A couple of months back.....he made me cry.... he said he knew how we felt for each other but alas it was not meant to be.....I know that too......if he asked me now if I will marry him.....the answer will be......yes, without a single doubt in my heart and mind........
I got to know AJ when he was in Scotland...it was 1995.....I was planning to go to Glasgow to do my masters and when I surfed for info, I came across Uni of Strathclyde... I mailed their student support and received an email from AJ...and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
AJ was a sweet Delhi-walla who was doing his Masters in International Business, he was single and he was nice...we wrote emails initially till he went back to Delhi and our emails became snail mails and we write...both of us...and when I mean by writing, I am talking about receiving aletter 8 or 10 pages long and I will match the length as well...
We really got to know each other well during those years of writing...we have never spoken on the phone... 1 day, AJ's work took him to Jakarta and from Jakarta he flew to Bangkok and later back home. It was in Bangkok airport that he called me...I was just entering my house when the phone rang and I guess I was shocked to know it was him...we spoke for a while...I was quiet...yeap...that was seriously not me!! He told me that when flying from Jakarta to Bangkok, he knew he was passing Penang and he was wishing that the plane would just stopover in Penang...he was sweet...
He went back to Delhi and the next thing I knew, I recieved an express mail...he was asking for my jathagam...he had told his family his intention to marry me...he calls me his international bride...it was 1997..I just lost my appa...and I could not bring myself to leave my family to be with him...I was young..scared of the unknown...new language, new people...and I said no...
End of 1997, I went to South India and the moment I set foot in Chennai, I called him...I will tell him where I will be staying and will give my hotel details and I know in the evening he will call me and we will talk for hours...whenever possible, I will call him...I got very familiar with STDs in South India..I will look for them whereever we went...from Ooty to Mysore to Tanjavoor... he kept telling me to come to Delhi...just take a flight and come and meet my family...that is what he told me....
In Feb 1998, he got married to a girl of his family's choice...nope...it did not break my heart...I love AJ but at the same time I knew I won't fit into his environment....
I did meet him...in 1999...the moment I saw him...I received a big hug....I know how much we loved each other.... his wife was not with him at that time, she was back in her mom's house...it was good to have met him...eventhough we did not say anything to each other but we knew we had something special...his mom was scared that we would do something...so she will always send a chaperone :-)
Anyway, lots of things happened in our lives.... till today we are good friends.....I know if he is okay or not by just looking at the hello in his mails....he will always send me an email the moment I think about him and somehow I know something is not right with him in my heart....
A couple of months back.....he made me cry.... he said he knew how we felt for each other but alas it was not meant to be.....I know that too......if he asked me now if I will marry him.....the answer will be......yes, without a single doubt in my heart and mind........
Monday, October 5, 2009
I am a grandmother..
I am a proud grandma of 3 puppies...
Juliet delivered 3 puppies on Monday and they are cute....nope, Romeo is not the appa.... 2 of her puppies are black and 1 just like her and they are all so cute...
We are all excited about them...they are growing up so fast...saw them today and they are crawling..yet to open their eyes and they r active...Romeo is kept at an arms length...but he is surely curious about them...
I have not named them yet...I thought Ophelia, Azelea and Hamlet....the problem is I donno if the puppies are male or female...
A grandmother at 38....not bad ya....:-)
Juliet delivered 3 puppies on Monday and they are cute....nope, Romeo is not the appa.... 2 of her puppies are black and 1 just like her and they are all so cute...
We are all excited about them...they are growing up so fast...saw them today and they are crawling..yet to open their eyes and they r active...Romeo is kept at an arms length...but he is surely curious about them...
I have not named them yet...I thought Ophelia, Azelea and Hamlet....the problem is I donno if the puppies are male or female...
A grandmother at 38....not bad ya....:-)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Loosing faith
I knew I lost something last Monday....
7 days ago I did something...no regrets but I was just sad....very sad....I sold off my thalli....I knew I had to do it and I just did it, it was not easy, I was not strong but I knew it has to be done..when the person, B, asked if I am okay, I looked at him and said that I am doing this, do you think I am okay... I guess the guy knew me since I was a baby girl...I remember going to Market St and my parents will leave me at the shop and I will be sleeping on their bed...that's how close my family was/still is with these people... B told me that life has its ups and downs and I will be okay...when I handed the chain to him, a couple of tears dropped..
P was with me and I know she was talking to me trying to make me feel better...but I felt a total emptiness in me...I could feel something missing...a void...it was so physical as well...I could actually feel it in my heart...never did I experience this kind of feelings before...was I thinking of Kutty? nope, it was not about him....I know what it was all about....it was about loosing faith...it was about loosing what I believed in....I know I was going through all these earlier but it was the last identity of marriage that I discarded away and yes I felt the lost.....
A couple of weeks earlier, I cleaned my room and I threw away a photo of Kutty and I that I have had since the day I met him and it was always on my bed....when I was doing that, I cried a bit but it was not as big an impact as parting with my thalli...funny isn't it...I have already said my good-bye to Kutty but when it was time to separate myself and the thalli, it was still hurtful...
I told my doc, he said I will be fine...he said 'this is why I asked you if you are ready"....he knew I am not strong yet to do this but doc, no matter when I do this, i will still be hurt...P told me that we will have to look forward and hope for a better beginning.....Ms L told me it is okay....I will be fine.......my partner said good...you have finally taken the final step...he was happy for me.....
I did not feel like writing this much earlier....but today.....am okay......no tears as I am writing this....I donno what is happening with my life today or what is going to happen tomorrow... am I confused? am I denying the truth? am I not me?... answers to these are coming...slowly but surely coz I know I am in good hands...my angels and my Krshna
7 days ago I did something...no regrets but I was just sad....very sad....I sold off my thalli....I knew I had to do it and I just did it, it was not easy, I was not strong but I knew it has to be done..when the person, B, asked if I am okay, I looked at him and said that I am doing this, do you think I am okay... I guess the guy knew me since I was a baby girl...I remember going to Market St and my parents will leave me at the shop and I will be sleeping on their bed...that's how close my family was/still is with these people... B told me that life has its ups and downs and I will be okay...when I handed the chain to him, a couple of tears dropped..
P was with me and I know she was talking to me trying to make me feel better...but I felt a total emptiness in me...I could feel something missing...a void...it was so physical as well...I could actually feel it in my heart...never did I experience this kind of feelings before...was I thinking of Kutty? nope, it was not about him....I know what it was all about....it was about loosing faith...it was about loosing what I believed in....I know I was going through all these earlier but it was the last identity of marriage that I discarded away and yes I felt the lost.....
A couple of weeks earlier, I cleaned my room and I threw away a photo of Kutty and I that I have had since the day I met him and it was always on my bed....when I was doing that, I cried a bit but it was not as big an impact as parting with my thalli...funny isn't it...I have already said my good-bye to Kutty but when it was time to separate myself and the thalli, it was still hurtful...
I told my doc, he said I will be fine...he said 'this is why I asked you if you are ready"....he knew I am not strong yet to do this but doc, no matter when I do this, i will still be hurt...P told me that we will have to look forward and hope for a better beginning.....Ms L told me it is okay....I will be fine.......my partner said good...you have finally taken the final step...he was happy for me.....
I did not feel like writing this much earlier....but today.....am okay......no tears as I am writing this....I donno what is happening with my life today or what is going to happen tomorrow... am I confused? am I denying the truth? am I not me?... answers to these are coming...slowly but surely coz I know I am in good hands...my angels and my Krshna
Classified
I met a guy on chat whom I am calling classified....
Someone popped up on Friday nite and we were chatting, he is Malaysian and he was decent...what was cute about this guy is that when I asked if he has a name to address him, he said it is classified and within half an hour he told me his name without me asking for it :-)
Then he was going on and on that he does not want to tell me what he is doing coz ppl will be judgmental and all that nonsense and the 2nd time we chated, he told me his profession...I seriously burst out laughing at him. Till now he has not asked what I do nor did I tell him what I am doing.
My classified is cute, he wants to keep most info about himself private but somehow he blurts them out.....now I know what he does, how many rooms he has in his condo, what floor he is on and the fact that he has a half garden in his cond0 (what that means I have no idea), he drives a BMW 5 series and his best friend is his brother in law...... all these info within 2 chats :-)
For this guy who is so classified is now officially unclassified........an open case :-)
Someone popped up on Friday nite and we were chatting, he is Malaysian and he was decent...what was cute about this guy is that when I asked if he has a name to address him, he said it is classified and within half an hour he told me his name without me asking for it :-)
Then he was going on and on that he does not want to tell me what he is doing coz ppl will be judgmental and all that nonsense and the 2nd time we chated, he told me his profession...I seriously burst out laughing at him. Till now he has not asked what I do nor did I tell him what I am doing.
My classified is cute, he wants to keep most info about himself private but somehow he blurts them out.....now I know what he does, how many rooms he has in his condo, what floor he is on and the fact that he has a half garden in his cond0 (what that means I have no idea), he drives a BMW 5 series and his best friend is his brother in law...... all these info within 2 chats :-)
For this guy who is so classified is now officially unclassified........an open case :-)
Poem
I like this poem.....
Stop all the clocks
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West
my working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put away every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods
for nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
I like the part where it says: he was my north, my south, my east and west...my working week and my sunday rest.... how nice to have someone who is the air you breath and the reason for your living.......
Stop all the clocks
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West
my working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put away every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods
for nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
I like the part where it says: he was my north, my south, my east and west...my working week and my sunday rest.... how nice to have someone who is the air you breath and the reason for your living.......
Taking ownership
My partner asked me to take ownership of him....
Went to class on Saturday and it was good...statistics...something I could actually understand. During break, 1 of my coursemate wanted to go to BJC to buy AMOS and asked me to follow him. I took my handbag and I told my partner that I am going and he nodded.
My coursemate and I went all over BJC but we could not get the CD and we came back. My coursemate's wife was sitting with my partner and when I came in she moved away. That's when I told her it is okay, I don't claim ownership over him....my partner looked up at me and in a serious tone asked..."don't you want to take ownership of me?"
I was taken aback...did not know how to respond to him...I got scared...I know I like him and I used to say so much about him to P...I like the way he opens the door for me, carry my bag, decides for me, plans my finances for me.....bottomline, I just like him...I know why I am scared...I do want to belong to someone and here's someone suggesting to me (I donno if he meant it jokingly though) that he wants to belong to me....
Life.....
Went to class on Saturday and it was good...statistics...something I could actually understand. During break, 1 of my coursemate wanted to go to BJC to buy AMOS and asked me to follow him. I took my handbag and I told my partner that I am going and he nodded.
My coursemate and I went all over BJC but we could not get the CD and we came back. My coursemate's wife was sitting with my partner and when I came in she moved away. That's when I told her it is okay, I don't claim ownership over him....my partner looked up at me and in a serious tone asked..."don't you want to take ownership of me?"
I was taken aback...did not know how to respond to him...I got scared...I know I like him and I used to say so much about him to P...I like the way he opens the door for me, carry my bag, decides for me, plans my finances for me.....bottomline, I just like him...I know why I am scared...I do want to belong to someone and here's someone suggesting to me (I donno if he meant it jokingly though) that he wants to belong to me....
Life.....
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