Yellow Saree

Tied saree to work today.

Last nite I tot I wanted to go to temple since it has been some time now I went to temple. Woke up in the morning, looked for a saree and found a very soft yellow coloured saree. This was the saree appa bought for me for the first time. Actually this shd be my 2nd saree appa bought, the first saree was for my 'coming to age' function...it was a sandal coloured silk saree...

Appa choose this saree for me, he went to the Sivasamy shop and choose this colour and when he showed it to me, I liked it as at that time in life, I liked the colour yellow...appa's tot was that the first saree that I am going to tie should be 'mangalam' coloured...good lord, this is making me cry...how my appa wanted me to have a successful life...he was the one who choose my name...he wanted my life to be happy...yes I know, all parents want their childrens' life to be happy and successful.....but can I still say that I have the world's most loving appa?? I wish each and everyone of us can say that about our appa or amma or anyone whom we love...

Anyway back to the saree...appa bought this when I was 17 for Diwali, I can still remember tying this saree to temple on Diwali morning and walking with appa to the temple...it was nice.....this was in 1988 and I still can remember all this! Today, I practically told everyone who commented about the saree that this was the first saree appa bought for me...and I am proud to tell this to everyone!

Krshna, thanks for the memories I have with my appa.....it is going to be 13 years come end of March when appa left me but memories about him will remain forever in my heart...I pray that till the last breath in me, I will have memories of appa in me!

meeting people

Went for a training and I met new people and it is nice to be out there...

I am starting to believe I need to be out more often, meet ppl and move on with life.

Tomorrow, I am going to temple, made up my mind to do that....been a while since I went to temple....am thinking of wearing a pink saree...

Rain

Was soooo happy today...I got drenched in the rain.

Went for my walk in USM, when the rain decided to pour.....for a good 10 minutes it rained heavily...

Been such a long time since I played in the rain :-)

Thank you Krshna for blessing me with your holy water this evening!!!

Sayings

Received this from a friend and I tot I have to preserve them here....

This is a classic...as I wrote in 1 of my entries...now I have decided to unhold my life to live everyday...no more waiting for someone to come and make me happy...no more waiting for a special occasion to wear something new or nice...no more waiting to do watever I like or go whereever I want...bottom line...seize the day!!!

I am guilty of this....How many times have I let the moment pass?? How many times did I miss the boat?? Now, I am not going to let this happen again, I am going to seize every oppurtunity that comes knocking on my door...

I have made promises that I did not keep and I m not happy about it and I have also met ppl who made promises to be with me forever as well........

I only have 1 choice every morning...to wake and smile, laugh and be merry with life and to fall in love with each and every of God's creation and I have decided there is not going to be another choice at all....

Yesssss.....totally agree with this...for friends who know me will know why I did wat I did, know why I think the way I do, know how crazy I can be, know how I smile and laugh and cry and I do not have to explain myself to them....and for those who do not know me, they r the ones who simply n easily pass judgement on me...they r the ones who think I need to change to suit them or society....

I am certainly one of those ppl who cry for those who never cared for me and cared for those who will never cry for me...

The Guardian

I saw 1 episode form the Guardian this morning and I realised something...

This episode was about a boy who saw his dad stabbing his mom to death and the boy's lawyer finds out that the dad did so because he was depressed and the doctor precribed a wrong medicine to him that resulted in the dad not knowing what he was doing. Once the boy knew that it was not 'his dad' that did that, he forgave his father and he understood the situation. But the father, once he knew what he did to his wife, could not forgive himself and did not want to have any custody over the son as he feels he is not fit to be a dad.....

The lawyer will ask the boy whether he is okay and the boy will say no and his tears comes rolling down...the boy then leans to his lawyer and all he wanted was a touch...a hug...an assurance that life will be fine....an assurance that he will be with his dad...just an assurance....

Now, what was the impact of this show on me??? I wanted an assurance too....I know I am not a young thing lost in this world not able to fend for myself...I am an adult, able to think, able to decide, able to do lots of things but at the same time..I just want assurance that life will be fine...

I donno why, the only person whom I could think of at that time was my doc, I was thinking, if I ever meet doc, all I want is just a lean on his shoulders...a hug....an assurance that I will be fine...and that's all I need/want at this moment..

Now as I am writing this entry, I am wondering why was it I am looking for an assurance from my doc...I donno why seriously...may be just may be coz I can talk to my doc about anything and everything and may be because there is nothing else than a friendship with my doc...well, whatever the reason is doc (I know you'll read this)...can I just have a hug from you???

Days in my life

There are going to be days in my life when I will be sad...

There are going to be days in my life when I am going to be in love with everyone and everything....

What I have decided is to make my happy days more than my sad days...

My life has always been a puzzle even to me, I can honestly say that I myself do not know why I think the way I am thinking now...I donno why ppl do what they do...heck, sometimes I don't even know what is happening between my mind and my heart....

I donno what Krshna has in store for me, I donno whether the road I am travelling will be smoother in the future or it is going to be rougher or a mixed paved road...what I know is that watever I am going to face in the present and future, I know Krshna knows I will be able to face it.....

Mixed feelings

It is Monday today and I am having the Monday bluesssssss....

Last nite, I had a dream...I was with someone and the guy has a son...a very cute and chubby boy and we have this perfect family :-) well I woke up and I know it was just a dream and that made me really sad and this brought on till now...

I was talking to Kutty this morning and asked him why was my life so insignificant? I asked him why did he do this to me? I wanted an answer and I told him I deserve an answer, at least, answer me now...he as usual said he does not know how to answer me and he as usual said I am creating problems again. I know I am dumb...I just allow ppl to say and do anything...why am I being so pathetic? Why can't I just stand up for my right?

Since small, amma has made me think I am not good enough for enough, I was not pretty, I was dark, I was fat, I was not smart, I was not good in anything.......I get scolded for talking, I get scolded for everything even when I was all grown up. I remember once, I finished my 2nd degree and mom still said I did not achieve anything and my sister is still better than me.....I was not even comparing myself to anyone.....may be, may be like what I told P, my mom made me think I don't deserve anything in this world, let alone happiness coz the moment she sees me happy, she will say something to make me cry and tat is why I let everyone trample all over me. I have been looking for love, everywhere, a little bit of attention all the time coz all the attention I wanted from my mom I never received it. Appa tried his best and I know anney knows how I was treated so these 2 saviors in my life tried their best to protect me......loosing them both means I lost my saviors and till today, I have yet to find an anchor in my life.....

What saddens me is that, my family was not supportive and the guy I married betrayed me and I have this feeling that I am not worth a single dime. I have no clue wat to do with my life.....I have no one to share my happiness......my only consolation is that I have wonderful...really wonderful friends to be next to me.....to be always supportive...may be I should see this and thank Krshna rather than look for something that was not mine!

I am crying.....hell......I hate my tears.......I have to stop this now and live my life for myself......

3 red roses and valentino

I received 3 red roses and a teddy bear whom I have named Valentino on Valentine's day..from Kutty. It was a surprise, did not expect anything from him...

It was nice to receive the flowers but my heart was not filled with love or anything.....that I guess is very sad...that I guess shows how I feel now...that I guess ended all my hope....

To ask

I only asked for somethings from 3 people in my life...

Appa, anney and kutty.....

I am 1 person who won't ask anything much but once in a while I will ask appa for something I like to eat..same goes to anney...I remember the day before he died, I told anney I wanted to eat athirasam and we both went searching for athirasam and that was the last thing he bought for me...it was Wednesday afternoon n Thursday early morning he passed away....

Kutty, the only other person whom I asked for stuff, he knows I love maliggai poo and the first time I told him tat, he will buy for me always. I have asked him for laddoo, food stuff and the most is a saree...today, I just told him that now I don't have anyone whom I can ask to get me anything if I want to. When I told this to Kutty, he said, he was never there to give me anything whenever I wanted it, I told him yes, but I just waited for him to come and see me once a month for me to go n get the laddoo or the flowers....I was actually putting my life on hold to be with him......

This is the guy I loved so much.......all these years, I have put my life on hold....the sad thing now.....who do I ask now? Who do I go and ask I want a saree? Who do I ask to buy me malligai poo? Who?

I know I can do all these by myself, but it is not the same........

I have decided not to cry and I am going to put my life on unhold hereafter..........

Family

I see this family every evening when I walk in USM.

A father, mother n son...the boy is about 2 to 3 year old. I want to believe it is like tat...

The reason for this entry is tat the boy amazes me, been observing him for a week now and each time, he fascinate me. A couple of days ago, he just stood watching his dad doing some excercise and today, he was sitting with his mom having a conversation. He looks so matured, he stands still, does not run, does not seem to be kicking a fuss...he just stole my heart :-)

I wish 1 day i will have the guts to go nearer to him and give him a hug coz he is a very adorable looking boy!!!

MACB

The MACBs came into my life in 1994......he was my lecturer and HOD and later we became colleagues and good friends and now, I am part of his family..... He is like my father figure, when appa passed away, I went to Mr B and I just cried...I remember him giving me a kitchen towel! He is a very nice man...loves it when his staff ties saree....loves red....loves his currypuffs....he has terrible mood swings but nowadays he has mellowed down..

Mrs B is a very nice woman, patient...ahhhh living with Mr B is surely a challenge...the moody Englishman!! I was very happy when she introduced me to ppl as her eldest daughter recently at Abu's wedding......today she called me to ask if I am okay or not...and asked if I wanted anything from UK.....I forgot, I should have told her to get me an Englishman :-)

As I told my doc while I was at the reception, I was soooo happy to be there, I was holding this tiny baby in my arms on that day, she gave me so much joy......the angel in my life........ Kathy as I called her...doc told me to enjoy the tiny fingers, the tiny feet, the tiny person who filled my whole heart with so much love in just an hour to last me a life time......

To the Macbs, I wish the whole family well. May god bless each and everyone of them. Here's hoping and praying this friendship will last forever. I have come to see them as part of my family as well....To little Shakinah, Muhammad and Kathy...my newest addition to nephew and nieces!!

Krshna, thank you for giving me this extended family......

Mr Moon

I was feeling very very down over the Thaipusam weekend. My salesman said he is coming down for Thaipusam and he made a date to take me out to see my mr moon on monday nite. Why I tot this was going to happen was a million dollar question...somehow I know he is not coming but I donno why, I still wished and hoped that he will come n take me for my walk...

Anyway, he did not come, he did not message nor did he call....and all he did to me was to break my heart.......

Last nite, I went to P's office at about 8.30ish...and as we were driving, I saw this big orangy thing over the horizon and it was a sight to behold...

It was my Mr Moon, he was just rising and he looked spectacular.....I had to stop my car and just sat there to look at him. I called Kutty to wake him up and I told him about Mr Moon...then the only other person I could think at the moment was my doc....I have no idea why I msged doc to tell him about my Mr Moon but I know somehow doc will understand why it was so important to me...I told doc I felt so blessed...I was...God was good to me....He showed me his splendour...I trully believe there is nothing like God's creation in this world and I was/am so happy I was given that moment in time to see my Mr Moon...

I told P, this is my 442 numbers of moon in my life.....that many since I came into this world.... I always loved my Mr Moon and I always will........

Krshna, thank you........

Walks

P and I are walking up and down USM hills for a week now. Over the weekend, she went back home, so I went for the walks on my own. I still enjoyed them but I like walking with P as we laugh at lots of things...

For instance, on our second walk, we saw 2 guys having coffee...the way 1 of the guy was looking at the other guy and the fact they brought a blanket to spread it on the ground, just took my breath away for a moment. With P there, we just had a fun time laughing and wishing that someone does tat with us :-)

The first 2 days of our walk, we bumped into this guy who looked kinda cute and P said this is destiny...love waves :-)

We get ppl waving at us...most likely to P. I told her one more time anyone looks at us, I am going to smile and wave to them :-)

Yesterday, we saw this cute looking monitor lizard making his way to donno where he was going and for the first time I saw a monitor lizard climbing a tree so easily...that was a sight to behold:-)

I am thoroughly enjoying my evening walks...for an hour or so, I am sharing my life with the trees, birds, grass and everything that mother nature has created......

Why?

Why?

Why do I still love a man who betrayed me so much?

Why do I still think he loves me??

Why is this so hard??

Why am I still crying??

Why am I still hoping that everything will be alright??

Why do I feel I am all alone now??

Why am I so lost??

Why does this hurt so much??

Why?? Why?? Why??

Lost

Suddenly I am feeling lost......

I have no one in my life, no appa, no amma, no more kutty....no more anyone that I can say is mine.....do I sound selfish? I donno but why at this moment I want someone for me???

I am thinking hard, really hard, who is mine? Me and myself only.....can I say all my bears are mine? I do talk to them, so may be they are mine?

I have my mind, I have the songs in me, I have my smile, I have me.....conclusion, I only have me...sounds very lonely but at least I am not betraying myself yet.....I still like me, I have still not lost me...

God, I donno if I make any sense saying watever I am saying...I do wish I can put all wat I am feeling in words tat makes sense.......

Proud to be me

Something happened yesterday evening, besides taking a big step in life and signing the papers!

The lawyer took me to the commisioner of oath to sign more documents infront of the person and our luck there were no chinese guy and so we had to go to an Indian lady.

When we walked in, she asked me to take a sit and I did and I was quiet while she checked for the details. My lawyer sat in a corner, when she asked him whether I am close to him, I was not expecting that question from anyone, well, he replied no, I am his client. The she added, but you never accompany your clients...

Well, I just let it be, once I finished signing and she finished attesting the documents, she said that S's name is familiar and if she knows him, I said I am very sure she might not know who S is and the lawyer said the same too...I still just kept quiet.

Then when I stood up to leave, she shook my hands and told me to wait, she has something to say.... she asked me if I have someone else in my life...that seriously I did not see it coming, I just turned and looked at the lawyer and I asked him, what is this all about? The lady said she is just giving me advice, not to take this laying down, I should show the world that I am able to marry another person and live happily ever after..... and that made me so furious, I told her off.

I just told her that I am happy to be whoever I am...I told her, I am following my dreams and I am living my life and I don't need a man called husband next to me to make me happy. I just don't get it, I am getting a divorce therefore it means I have tried this marriage thingy and it did not work out, so now pls pray tell me, why should I be doing the same mistake so soon in my life??

I just told her, you need to meet more people like me to understand the meaning of life, to understand the meaning of friendship, to understand the meaning of privacy and to understand the meaning of minding your own business....well, I did not get to say the last two but I sure wish I could go back to her and say it all...all over again.

I did not ask for her for any advice and as P said, that lady does not know what all happened in each and everyone's life and the thing was, I did not confide in her nor ask for any suggestions!!!

Now I think Krshna did tat so that my mind would be diverted for a moment, I was so upset with the lady coz she said I am going to end up as a lonely lady that I for a moment forgot about the pain of signing the documents....

Guesss everything happens for a reason...........

Signing the papers

I signed the papers yesterday.

Tears flowed when I was doing it...I could not bring myself to sign the papers, I did a little prayer, asked for Krshna to guide my hands, asked Him to be there for the rest of my journey, with tat in mind, I signed the papers...the lawyer just waited, I dared not to look at him, I did not want him to see me with tears but I just could not help it.

Donno why, when I was signing, I told him, my dad would have been so disappointed to see me doing this, I donno why I thought about appa, but he was the only one who came into my mind.

The lawyer told me I will be fine, it was a good decision, it was about time I do it....I just told him, I have been thinking about this for the past 5 years, I know I have to do this but it is only now I can bring myself to do it......it was so difficult to make anyone understand what I am doing or what I am feeling except for some good friends who have been there from the beginning.

I will be okay coz I know while I am writing this, I am not crying..last nite when I spoke to him, I was crying telling him, it is all over now, I have done it and I told him I cried when I signed the papers....I just asked him if he knows how much I love him? I asked him if he knows how much of my dreams were crushed? I asked him if he knows how all my hopes were gone? I just asked him not expecting any answers from him....