Signing the papers

I signed the papers yesterday.

Tears flowed when I was doing it...I could not bring myself to sign the papers, I did a little prayer, asked for Krshna to guide my hands, asked Him to be there for the rest of my journey, with tat in mind, I signed the papers...the lawyer just waited, I dared not to look at him, I did not want him to see me with tears but I just could not help it.

Donno why, when I was signing, I told him, my dad would have been so disappointed to see me doing this, I donno why I thought about appa, but he was the only one who came into my mind.

The lawyer told me I will be fine, it was a good decision, it was about time I do it....I just told him, I have been thinking about this for the past 5 years, I know I have to do this but it is only now I can bring myself to do it......it was so difficult to make anyone understand what I am doing or what I am feeling except for some good friends who have been there from the beginning.

I will be okay coz I know while I am writing this, I am not crying..last nite when I spoke to him, I was crying telling him, it is all over now, I have done it and I told him I cried when I signed the papers....I just asked him if he knows how much I love him? I asked him if he knows how much of my dreams were crushed? I asked him if he knows how all my hopes were gone? I just asked him not expecting any answers from him....