Mixed feelings

It is Monday today and I am having the Monday bluesssssss....

Last nite, I had a dream...I was with someone and the guy has a son...a very cute and chubby boy and we have this perfect family :-) well I woke up and I know it was just a dream and that made me really sad and this brought on till now...

I was talking to Kutty this morning and asked him why was my life so insignificant? I asked him why did he do this to me? I wanted an answer and I told him I deserve an answer, at least, answer me now...he as usual said he does not know how to answer me and he as usual said I am creating problems again. I know I am dumb...I just allow ppl to say and do anything...why am I being so pathetic? Why can't I just stand up for my right?

Since small, amma has made me think I am not good enough for enough, I was not pretty, I was dark, I was fat, I was not smart, I was not good in anything.......I get scolded for talking, I get scolded for everything even when I was all grown up. I remember once, I finished my 2nd degree and mom still said I did not achieve anything and my sister is still better than me.....I was not even comparing myself to anyone.....may be, may be like what I told P, my mom made me think I don't deserve anything in this world, let alone happiness coz the moment she sees me happy, she will say something to make me cry and tat is why I let everyone trample all over me. I have been looking for love, everywhere, a little bit of attention all the time coz all the attention I wanted from my mom I never received it. Appa tried his best and I know anney knows how I was treated so these 2 saviors in my life tried their best to protect me......loosing them both means I lost my saviors and till today, I have yet to find an anchor in my life.....

What saddens me is that, my family was not supportive and the guy I married betrayed me and I have this feeling that I am not worth a single dime. I have no clue wat to do with my life.....I have no one to share my happiness......my only consolation is that I have wonderful...really wonderful friends to be next to me.....to be always supportive...may be I should see this and thank Krshna rather than look for something that was not mine!

I am crying.....hell......I hate my tears.......I have to stop this now and live my life for myself......