Baby

I want to have a baby...

I am thinking about this for the past 1 week...it is not that I have never tot about this at all, just that I know if I want to have a baby, I better be doing it fast...

I asked doc whether I am going crazy or being dumb for even thinking about this...my doc was not a big help :-) He said it is an excellent idea but asked if I am sure or not and asked me to consider it seriously. I told doc that I tot about it and I am sure I am able to handle the responsibility and that I have all the love to shower on my child and financially I am stable as well...and most of all, I am ready to have a baby in my life...but the only problem is about choosing the guy to have my baby with...when doc suggested about adoption...

It is not that I do not want to adopt but I always wanted to experience the feeling of being pregnant...I want to carry a child for 9 months...I want to be bonded to my baby...I want to tell stories...sing...dance...with my baby while she is in my womb...I want to just love my baby from the day I know of her existence...

My only regret in life is not to have a baby...there was once I was talking to P and she said, the thing she was very surprised with me was when I decided not to have a child with Kutty coz she said from the day she knew me all I wanted was to have a baby.....

I donno why Krshna did not want me to have my own baby...I donno if he tot I would have spoilt a life...I do beleive Krshna knows best and there must be a reason why I was not able to carry a baby...now comes to this question...what is Krshna's big plan for me?

Seminar

I smile alot...

I attended a 2 days seminar in Equatorial Hotel and it was not such a bad experience. On the second day, this guy who presented on the 1st day came up to me early in the morning and introduced himself to me. I just told him honestly that he was good yesterday and he replied saying that he saw me smiling all the while he was presenting, I burst out laughing and then I told him, I just am a smiling person....and then we exchanged business cards.

Later in the evening, during tea break, he came to talk and the first thing he said was that he liked my name and it was unique...I told him thanks and told him it is not that unique and I told him I have to thank my dad for giving me that name...he started asking if it was about numerology or etc...I was explaining to him how my name is pronounced and how it was suppose to be written as well...we had a good conversation about studies and children and etc.

At the same seminar, I met a guy who was going on and on about making decisions for his children and that children are not matured enough to make their own decision, when I got irritated and told him it is not wrong for ppl to make mistakes and success is not measured by just on how much we earn...I felt like telling him, as a parent it is his duty to his children to prepare them to make decisions in life and not for him to make the decisions...

Well...1 thing for sure...I am hopeless....

What is this doubt?

I dono what is wrong...

Someone is flirting with me and somehow I am thinking what is he up to...call me paranoid...call me crazy...but I am starting to think I am not trusting anyone anymore....and that is making me sad coz I want to trust people, I want to believe everyone does say or do things they mean and not out there to take advantage....

I have heard too many cases, too many nice people being hurt and I do not wish to be part of the statistic. I know I am the one who wants the attention, I want love, I want romance and this guy is giving me the attention and not the love or romance yet lah as I am not giving him any chances to move further. I am just being so careful not to fall for anyone...

What is surprising is....I am not swept off my feet....he is sweet...but somehow I am so grounded....not my fairy tale at all....susahnya manusia ni :-)

I kept thinking about my 'relationship' with doc.....I donno if I flirt with my doc but I know I am being myself when I chat with doc and doc somehow talks to me about all kinds of things under the sky...even about ANOVAs :-) Doc never for once made me think what is his motive for talking to me, doc never asked anything from me nor does he make me feel that he is up to something.....but this guy....sigh...sigh...

What is wrong with me lah? I want the attention and when someone is giving me the attention and I scared pula......I am so doubtful......I am suspicious......I am paranoid.......macam mana to meet peoplelah if I am like this?

I wish I can talk to my doc about this......

Smile

I am smiling....

Saw doc online tadi and the time was 10.50pm ish...and doc put a smile on my face....I have no idea how doc can do tat to me but each time he comes on the chat, he does make me smile...I know when I am chatting with doc, he is one person who understands what I am saying and I really appreciate that.....

Well doc....terima kasih for ending a lovely Sunday.....

Fair Life?

I had this conversation with doc sometime back...

Doc and I were chatting and in the chat doc said my Krshna is unfair sometimes...I obviously have to defend my Krshnalah....but the thing is, I am the one who beleives that everything happens for a reason. Whatever we think that should not be happening to us, has a reason for it to happen...

I am looking at my own life, I was always always compared to my 2nd sister by everyone...she is the fair and slim, brainy person and etc and I on the other hand is totally the opposite...I know ppl were being unfair for comparing us but somehow I was okay with all that...I knew that I am who I am and from young I knew that I am special in my own way and Krshna created me like who I am for a reason....I am a happy person by nature...eventhough I have gone through lots of pain and hardship, I know I am the one that smiles easily.... I hardly carry a grudge and I am the one who thinks life is beautiful...so there is fairness in the way Krshna created all of us. He knows when He made me, I will be who I am today....blessed with friends, with a heart that falls in love with everything, with a passion for words, with a smile on my face, with a conscience heart and mind....well I am glad for all those things that happened in my life coz now I know Krshna made me strong enough to handle them all....

I donno doc, may be I am not making sense....whatever that happens doc, I do think it is meant to be that way...whether we get what we wish for or don't get it, I think Krshna knows best. He might be thinking that we should not get what we are wishing for coz it might not be good for us...I donno if I am making sense or not but this is what I believe in....if I don't get it means it was not good enough for me and Krshna will soon show me the right path...

Well I do hope doc gets what he needs and deserves in his life....all the best doc...I have high hopes in you and if you have to do it again, I shall get you the forms once again.....keep hoping doc....what is meant to be yours will be yours......

A lovely Sunday

Had a lovely Sunday...

I did nothing this Sunday....woke up late, lazed around, had my dim sum....and watched CSI...all three of them. In the afternoon, I watched a Tamil movie and now as I am writing this blog, watching another Tamil movie....

I have so much to do but I am just taking this day off...it feels good...I do think I deserve a day off...don't I?

Pink

I am in pink today....

Asked doc what colour saree shall I tie tomorrow and the suggestion was pink :-) I had to drag myself out of bed this morning, I am still tired and lacking sleep...well, I found a pink saree with wild roses....it is a soft baby pink....then tot I shall accessories today with pink bangles and yes I have 2 dozens bangles on my right hand...too much right? But then again...wat else do I get to do that is crazy at work?

Morning as I walked into college everyone was calling me Ms Pinky...that is how pink I am...someone told me to apply lipstick, I obliged so now I have a soft pink coloured lips :-) I know it is not a raving hot red lipstick but somehow I know it is sweet and inviting :-) Now who am I invitinglah? Tak ada siapapun here...sigh....grins...

I am smiling or I am trying to smile and trying to forget about May 8th.

Yesterday evening, went swimming with Ms L and I told her about May 8th, she volunteered to come with me, my anney too said he will come with me, to give me the support I need....I donno if I am going to cry or not when I am there but somehow I know, now, I have two good friends with me there...a Chinese lady and a Malay man to be next to me....Krshna...I know I am blessed!

I will be fine and I promise I will smile...today and always......

Letter from my lawyer

Received a letter from the lawyer today...

My court hearing will be on 8th May 2009 at 9am and I am required to wear formal baju to attend the hearing... I did not read pass that page...was on the first page and I started crying..how lah to move on to the second page?

I know it is over....I know for a fact I do not want Kutty to be back in my life...I know why I am crying... I am afraid that now I know for sure that I have no one in my life...I am going to be all alone and I donno how to handle this....it is true that Kutty was never there for me in my life but somehow I know I had him...but now it is going to be over..

Doc told me I will be fine...my 'anney' told me that it is going to be a new chapter in my life, so he asked me to grab a pen and write my own story...make it as beautiful as possible...he asked me to write beautiful poems...to fill my days with joy and happiness...he reminded me the phrase by Vivekanantha.... " You are the creator of your own destiny", Ms L told me it is about time I let go of the float and start swimming on my own.

I am following all these advices and I know all my friends mean well.....somehow I know I will be able to go through this rough patch with the help of all my friends...I will be fine...a mantra I keep saying over n over to convince myself....

This is tough but I know it is something I have to face so that my future looks brighter....Krshna, I can feel that better days are coming into my life and Krshna I thank you for being with me all these times..and I know you will be with me forever.......

Pudu

I hate Pudu.....

This is a strong statement, no doubt, but can I still say I hate Pudu...the bus station gives me the creeps each time I am there and I do believe I pray harder when I am in Pudu :-) Last nite was at Pudu and I got ticket for the 9.30pm bus. Went down to the bus waiting area at 9.25pm but the bus was not there and this guy kept coming closer to me....I was screaming in my head asking him to get lost... I do think Krishna heard my prayer coz he sent this Malay guy to my aid...

I donno how grateful I was to see this guy....he just jumped infront of me and as we started talking, the other guy just went away....

Asking my doc

I asked doc a very important question today....

I asked doc if I can have him...he asked in what sense...I told him...can I have him for emotional support and hugs n kisses :-) Actually I want doc for more than that.....I know you'll be reading this doc...and as I don't have the time to chat with you, let me tell you what I want you for....

I want you to be there as a friend, to tell me that I will be fine, to tell me that this is a beautiful life when I see the ugliness in mankind, to tell me to keep going on when I am tired of fighting it all, to tell me to smile when I forget to smile, to tell me to slow down and smell the roses when I speed through life.....this is the emotional support I am looking for doc.

At this instance I am writing this blog, I am feeling harrassed.....I just want to drop it all and go away somewhere....well doc, can I have you to go away somewhere? I am so into going to Pulau Perhentian since the day Dumbo told me to go there but I still could not find anyone to go with...so doc, can I have you for that?

I am very very sure if my doc is reading this, he is going to freak out and run away from me :-)

Now my question arises.....is this asking too much from my doc??

My socks

Romeo and Juliet ate my socks.....

I was so geram on Monday when I found 2 pairs of my socks missing....been a while since I went for my walks and on Monday when I was looking for my socks they were missing.....when I finally found them....1 from each pair had big holes in them and the other half hilang.....

I was so angry with both of them....scolded them......I know the culprit...Juliet is smaller than Romeo hence she could put her head through the sliding gate and took my socks and later both of them chewed my socks to glory..... now I have 1 side of a Reebock and another side with Puma with holes......geram juga coz these socks are a bit more expensive.....

Doc told me to hide them....yeap....now the shoes are on a higher level of the rack.... I learnt my lesson......

A thin line

Just realised that the line is very very thin.......

I am talking about principles in my life... I told myself since young that I will not get myself involved with a married guy...somehow I know that is the biggest sin I would commit...in my books I mean...till date...I have kept my promise.... and I hope to stick to it.....

Well the reason for this entry.... I always thought my line was thick and I won't cross it but somehow these days... I find it that the line is so thin.....when I see people I know and care and respect crossing this line, I don't see it as wrong anymore....somehow...everyone have a story....

I was talking to P about this.... I was telling her about my study partner.... a married man who told me 3 times in a span of 10 minutes that he is loyal to his wife..... the way he was saying it I know he was assuring himself that he is a married man..... I told P to remind me that he is married!!

When does this line become thinner? When we r lonely? When we need something more? A thrill? An excitment? I donno.......

Tamil New Year

It is new year today and a new beginning......

Received a message from Narresh which was all in Tamil and I called him to ask if he knew what he sent......the reply......NO.......my nephew!!

I do pray this year will bring joy and happiness in everyone's life...I donno how I am going to be but I am confident I will be fine......

Tiny yellow flowers

The world is blooming with yellow flowers....

Ahhhh......it is such a wonderful sight to see huge trees turning yellow...full with this tiny bright yellow that is making my heart brimming full with love and delight...it is that time of the year when these trees in USM and along the road to college that is full of tiny yellow flowers and it is a sight to behold.

Went for my walk yesterday evening and as I was walking the flowers were falling nonstop on me...like a shower of flowers from God...I felt like a queen...it was a lovely feeling...

I saw a few couples and a bunch of girls sitting under the tree surrounded by these tiny yellow flowers and taking snap shots and I was glad that there are others who share my feelings for these flowers.....

When I was driving to work this morning, the shower of flowers again....some cars parked at the roadside were covered fully with the flowers and it was just so pretty to see...I do think I can go on and on about these but it is time for me to stop and move to the next thing that I am going to fall in love with :-)

A nice poem

Received this from a mail this morning.....

I donno who wrote this piece of art...it is just nice and I tot it should be here to stay....

You gave me strength to carry on,
When my body was so torn.
And lifted me on wings of love,
When my spirit was so worn.

Through all the times when in despair,
When I hung my head in shame.
You came to me when I knelt down,
As I called upon your name.

And when my heart was troubled,
With more heartache than I could bear.
You caught each and every tear I shed,
In a bottle you have up there.

And when I get to heaven,
I'll kneel before your feet.
You'll wipe away all my tears,
For my soul is yours to keep...

Beautiful ain't it???

Romance

Someone asked me what I meant by saying that I am a romantic fool.......

Well, this question came up in a conversation when someone asked me if I am going to give a 2nd chance on marriage.....I thought about it and I said I donno...I gave up on love and marriage and I donno if I will be able to fall in love tunggang terbalik again :-) as I am a romantic fool...when I fall in love....I give my heart, soul and everything to the person.....

Hence the question....what is romance to me? My answer at the moment was...
- waking up next to him every morning and wishing/praying this is the face I want to see waking up for the rest of my life
- holding hands for no apparent reasons
- sitting and talking and sometimes just sitting and listening to our hearts talking
- seeing him enjoying the meal I cooked.....
- sharing our fears, happiness, laughter together
- most importantly, to fall in love over and over with the same man for the rest of my life...

I know if I had allowed myself, the list would be longer.... I donno if this is romance or love or what but I know for sure, this is what I wanted......

Giving blood

Gave blood today....

This is my 28th time and I am still scared looking at the needle!! I remember the 1st time I went there, it was with anney, I just turned 18 and he took me to give blood....anney was a regular blood donor and he thought this is the least we can do for our society....

Anyway, still remember coming back home and getting scolded by mom coz I gave blood...sigh...I have no idea what I did wrong but I knew I felt very guilty... today, I feel good, my last donation was in 2002...reason I was not giving was coz my hemoglobin level was very low consistenly...today, it was a record high! I am so pleased...I know that my lifestyle change is doing tonnes of good to me...I hope my next trip to the blood bank will be in 4 months time....

Grinning

Woke up with a smile....

I think I had a really good sleep and when I woke this morning, there was a smile on my face and I tot of sharing that with doc...so sent him a sms not expecting a reply but he did and from a smile it turned into a grin :-)

Kutty called, to ask me to walk but I refused to get out from bed and we both ended up laughing...it was a beautiful start in the morning.....when I switched on the radio in the car guess who was singing...George Michael and his Faith! Well this is certainly getting better...then I saw Penang Hill, covered with clouds, it looked so lovely......by now, was listening to COCOMO by Beach Boys and it brought back memories....I remember all of us coming out from the exam hall and burst into singing COCOMO as the question asked about COCOMO methodology and we only knew the song!!

At this moment, I am grinning....I am just wondering, what is wrong with me? Yesterday all I wanted was a decent chat and today, I am grinning from ear to ear...even Chesire Cat will loose out to me!!

I am thinking of paying a visit to the library, get a nice book to read.....a mystery? a novel? have not decided yet....need to go there and see who I am going to fall in love with!

A decent chat

Can I have a decent chat?

I miss talking to someone, anyone for that matter....I mean talking, not complaining or gossiping...just a normal talk that is good for the heart and the mind....

I asked my doc if he can take me for a walk and talk and nothing else.....just a decent conversation, just to talk about books, everyday activities nothing great...just normal stuff....asked doc is it too much to ask for? he said no......

Last night I read a story book...a love story...it was nice and after finishing the book, I just felt like telling someone about it and when I looked around...there was not a soul around me and that made me real sad.....1 thing I am realising now...I did not call Kutty to tell him how I felt...I am starting to beleive that I am moving on fine.....

I am starting to think my life is so pathetic....god.....I need to do something...the problem now is what is that something!!!

Dumbo & his 10k diamond ring

Dumbo is going to propose.........

I am so happy and excited about this....Dumbo, finally is taking his relationship to the next level...he got the diamond ring yesterday but he is not sure how and when he is going to ask Jo to marry him.....it is nice to be part of his life...sharing the moment last nite...his excitement...his unsureness....

Well, we tried to figure out how long has it been he was with Jo and how he met her and how he fell in love with her...it was good...both Dumbo and I tot marriage was not necessary...it is just the commitment when he became paranoid and checked his phone to see if it was off!! I told him, if only Jo knew that we were having this conversation at 3am in Subaidah...she is surely not going to invite me for the wedding!!

I told him that I am going to tie my purple saree..guju style...and I am going to be 1 of his wedding planner...we were so excited...and he has not even proposed to her yet :-)

The ring looked fantastic.....just perfect for Jo...he was worried she might not like it when I asked him if he likes it..he said yes....then told him...don't worry...she'll love it...

I am so happy...been grinning and guess what...I felt like telling the whole world that he is getting married soon...I am just happy....

Last nite, Dumbo asked me to go out and meet ppl...I said no, I am happy as I am now...but he kept telling that I will meet someone when I least expect it...well...told him if that is the case, then I shall not even attempt to meet anyone...since I am not expecting it to happen kan!!

I dono which part of it is logical-lah but who is looking at logic and understanding and reasoning a woman!!!

I had a great time with Dumbo last nite...he dropped me back at 3.30am ... I was tired but I was happy....and that matters.....

Aunty and the snatch thieves

Aunty's screams woke me up this morning...

I was just about to get up from bed this morning when I heard aunty screaming calling uncle....it shocked my morning..I looked out the window and aunty was in the middle of the road crying...had no clue wat happened and so I rushed out to her..

She was robbed...it was 8am in the morning and she was in her car to go to work. Aunty was using her official car and hence parked it outside the house...seems she put her handbag and office beg at the back seat and was about to reverse her car when she saw two guys on a bike...she was waiting for them to pass before taking her car out but little did she expected for them to open the car door and snatch away her bags...

I just took aunty into her house, made her sit and gave her something to drink and tried to comfort her but she was so shaken up, crying, panicking...it was terrible...I told uncle to call the credit cards, block the sim cards....

Aunty was really really upset, she was blaming herself...at that moment in time, she was telling me that she paid her zakat, she prays and etc...so why is God punishing her....I did not know what to tell her but not to blame herself and to be thankful that she was not harmed...

This whole episode made me feel so vulnerable...I hate this insecurity...how are we suppose to feel secure in our own house...God what has man come to be these days??

I must call aunty to see if she is okay or not...just donno how to comfort her...

Romeo and Juliet

Yes...a Juliet in our home...a latest addition to the family...

Romeo met someone and brought her back home and we decided that she can stay.... and we officially named her Juliet. Juliet is brown in colour and much smaller than Romeo. She is okay but I do think she needs a bath...probably this Saturday.. she is friendly, follows orders...is not greedy and loves to wag her tail...

Well, only 1 good thing out of this...Romeo is occupied, he in no more biting me or wanting to run out from the house...somehow Romeo seems to be the gentleman(dog) now... Juliet seems to be the aggresive type...she is basically teasing him endlessly... but sure looks like they are having a fun time playing...

As I was telling doc....looks like Romeo is getting more action than I would ever get!! And doc's response...every dog has his day!