Getting away

I needed to be away from everything.....

Woke up on Saturday morning and I packed my stuff and went off to Gopeng with my 2nd sister. We were going to stay at an orang asli settlement...the drive from Penang to Gopeng took me exatcly 2 hours...it was a beautiful weather...I saw a double rainbow and was thinking of a pot of gold :-)

We had to take a 4-wheel-drive to drive to the settlement, parked my car, hopped on the jeep and we were off to the place and from the moment go, I fell in love with the river, the trees, the coolness and etc...it was simply beautiful...

After about 45 minutes, we were in the midst of the village....our dorm was next to the river, after changing into shorts, I just went to the river and until I put my foot in, I did not know how cold the water would be...it was so fresh, clean, cold, basically it was just soooo nice....

We went hiking in the jungle, up the hills to see raflesia but unfortunately could only see a bud but on the way to see the flower, we went to see butterflies....hundreds of them...on the ground...it was so so so beautiful....I can see them now in my mind as I am writing about them and it is bringing a smile on my face...nice....

I mandi sungai....just soaked myself in water....the only visible part of my body was my face....I just submerged myself in the water for an hour....when I got out, I was freezing till to my bones...but I was not complaining....we just did nothing, listened to songs, I was reading something and I just fell asleep.....there was no bed or mattress, just the floor and it was a good nite's sleep that I had...

Morning, started my journey back on my own...2nd sis took a bus to KL and I drove back on my own to Penang......2 hours of driving alone.......made me start thinking.....while I was there I totally shut down everything....no phone, no computers, no internet and most importantly, no thinking.....

Life will be okay...I keep telling myself that....I keep reminding about my new chapter and my pen and my destiny and my life....I pray that I am not lieing to myself....

Friday, May 8

This is it.......

I woke this morning feeling all queesy.... but as I was showering, I tot, hey this is going to be the first time I am going into court and it is going to be an all new experience and I was a bit excited...aiyooo...what is wrong with me right? sigh :-)

Anyway, tied a blue saree as my anney, doc and lazybones all said the same thing...tie saree and go...I have no idea why all these fellas had the same idea about me and saree....I was there early, waiting for P to come and searching for coins...when it was time to go, I forgot to put the coins in the machine...memang lost soul....

P and I then went into court and we both kind of liked the place, it was really nice, if I was there for some other nice event, I would have gone around looking at the building and the architecture...anyway, we were both waiting for my lawyer when I confessed to P that I can't remember his face...memang teruk!!

Finally my anney and his wife and his lil princess came and she became the star in the morning...everyone who looked so solemn on that morning started giving a smile looking at this lil princess with 2 coconut trees on her head:-) she looked cute..she stole some hearts...

We were smiling, laughing, chatting....the only people there I guess who were actually smilling away....the lawyer came and told me to be cool...yeah right!

Well, it was my turn, went into the chambers and I was smiling...is there anything wrong with me? I cried my eyes out last Friday and today, I am sitting infront of the judge and I gave him a big smile...memang gila:-)

My lawyer received shelling from the judge...I was so nervous about the whole thing but when my lawyer was reprimanded by the judge, my whole focus on myself went away, I was worried about what new complications is going to arise now...I prayed to Krshna...told him to make it easy for me...I have suffered enough...the judge finally relented and he signed the order...the whole thing I guess took about 15 minutes...after signing the order the judge looked up at me and looking at my smile, he gave me a bigger smile....

Came out from the chambers and my anney asked if everything is over? I said yes, but I was not crying...that is something right? On the way to the car, I called Kutty to tell him what had happened....

When I parked my car in college, I called Kutty...I told him once many many many years back that if I asked for a divorce I asked him not to give it to me...I reminded him about that...then I asked Kutty if he can be my friend and never let me go....he said that no matter what happened...will happen....he will always love me...then he added tat he knows his term of love and mine is not the same...he said he will be my friend...that's when I started crying....

Confused

I am the one who was in love with love....

I miss being in love....I stopped saying "I love u" to kutty for sometime but recently I am telling him that but it is not the same.....I do know that things have changed....

Since young I believed in love...a romantic fool....I was in love with love and now not to believe in love is getting on me...what do I do about this? How can anyone not believe in love?? I keep saying I love the rainlah, I love flowerslah, I love my Krshnalah and etc and I can also say I don't believe in love anymore??? Contradicting myself???

May be I am confused between love and lust? I donno......I do still love Kutty but I don't feel the need of him to be in my life...all these while I wanted Kutty...wanted to be close to him....but now I am fine with him being someone I talk to....may be I am closer to Kutty compared to anyone else....I donno...all I know is that I am confused now... I know... something normal in my life....to be confused!!!

New Chapter

A new chapter in my life....

I spoke to my 'anney' ....I told T that if I call him by his name, then it means business and if I say anney then it is personal stuff that I want to talk to him...my anney did not know the meaning of the word ... so had to translate anney = abang :-)

Anyway, after talking to the lawyer, I went to my anney and asked him if I am being over dramatic about the whole thing....I asked the same question to P...both of them answered saying no...it is normal to go through this traumatic experience...P said that for others it might be insignificant but to me it mean the whole world tragedy....therefore I decided I am not going to fight this feeling...

Anyway, my anney told me that now I am going to open a new chapter in my life and the new page is all white and it is ready to be written with new happy stuff.....this is what I have heard before but wat was different with my anney was, he said, the pen is in my hands now...he told me to write beautiful poems to fill my life....write how I want my life to be....he told me to take charge of my life...I remember Swami Vivekananda's saying....You create Your own destiny..... I am ready to write beautiful entries into my life...I have a whole new chapter that I can chart the course of the ending....and I am going to make it into a very very beautiful ending like I always wanted......smiling till the end.....

To my anney and P....thx for knowing and understanding me........

To laugh or to cry??

I am really down......

Been a while since I wrote, was not feeling all okay about life...I know this is coming and I had no clue watsoever wat is going to happen...I know the future is not for us to see....but then again...

I remember the song...que sera sera...wat ever will be will be....I guess this is something I have to believe in and hang on to it...

I called the lawyer a while ago and after talking to him, I said I am nervous when he came up to say the most ridiculous thing...he was going..."I should be the one to be nervous as I am the one going to do all the talking to the judge" !! Alamak (that was my exact tot then) what kind of a lawyerlah I got ni :-)

That was when I was thinking...am I suppose to laugh or cry thinking of what is going to happen on that day??

I am scared

I donno what is going to happen to me.....

I am scared of May 8th. I am trying to tell myself I will be okay but I am just not convinced...I just could not convince myself I will be okay...this is hard...

I tot I stopped crying but this past week, my tears are just flowing so easily...I am really lost, I donno what I am suppose to think or how I am suppose to deal with this...I am confused with my feelings....I know this is the next step but nothing prepared me for this...am I suppose to be sad or am I suppose to be okay with this?

I donno what I am fighting....I donno...but I know I am sad....I just know that I am sad and I donno who I want to comfort me....why am I crying? Krshna please tell me what to do....I am crying now...and the sad thing is I donno why am I crying....I have lost Kutty long time back...I donno why I am crying now but I am crying.....

Can I have appa now, I just want to put my head on his laps and sleep there....

Krshna, please help me....

Meeting my friends

I met my friends for lunch today....

ESI and Dumbo were in town and I met them for lunch. It was a good meeting...ESI is 7 months into her pregnancy....she looks round:-) Dumbo was teasing her endlessly and it was a jovial mood during lunch....

My god daughter was there, looking all lovely and she loved the bangles...her mom tried the pottu on her but she did not like it...I do think the punjabi suit is going to look nice on my god daughter, J. Dumbo was teasing me of making my god daughter turn into an Indian:-)

J gave me a wonderful hug and a kiss when I said good bye to her...perhaps that was Krshna's way to tell me that I have a daughter as well...

Oh by the way, Dumbo has still not proposed to Jo....only god knows when he is going to do that but he did say the wedding might be next year so we are all crossing our fingers...Jo was there...she looked great and we did not say a word to her about the ring...the first thing I did was to look for the ring on her finger and when it was not there I knew my Dumbo did not pop the question yet!!

I am praying that ESI will deliver her baby girl without any problems and everything will be fine...I know Krshna will make it easier for ESI the second time......