Baby

I want to have a baby...

I am thinking about this for the past 1 week...it is not that I have never tot about this at all, just that I know if I want to have a baby, I better be doing it fast...

I asked doc whether I am going crazy or being dumb for even thinking about this...my doc was not a big help :-) He said it is an excellent idea but asked if I am sure or not and asked me to consider it seriously. I told doc that I tot about it and I am sure I am able to handle the responsibility and that I have all the love to shower on my child and financially I am stable as well...and most of all, I am ready to have a baby in my life...but the only problem is about choosing the guy to have my baby with...when doc suggested about adoption...

It is not that I do not want to adopt but I always wanted to experience the feeling of being pregnant...I want to carry a child for 9 months...I want to be bonded to my baby...I want to tell stories...sing...dance...with my baby while she is in my womb...I want to just love my baby from the day I know of her existence...

My only regret in life is not to have a baby...there was once I was talking to P and she said, the thing she was very surprised with me was when I decided not to have a child with Kutty coz she said from the day she knew me all I wanted was to have a baby.....

I donno why Krshna did not want me to have my own baby...I donno if he tot I would have spoilt a life...I do beleive Krshna knows best and there must be a reason why I was not able to carry a baby...now comes to this question...what is Krshna's big plan for me?

Seminar

I smile alot...

I attended a 2 days seminar in Equatorial Hotel and it was not such a bad experience. On the second day, this guy who presented on the 1st day came up to me early in the morning and introduced himself to me. I just told him honestly that he was good yesterday and he replied saying that he saw me smiling all the while he was presenting, I burst out laughing and then I told him, I just am a smiling person....and then we exchanged business cards.

Later in the evening, during tea break, he came to talk and the first thing he said was that he liked my name and it was unique...I told him thanks and told him it is not that unique and I told him I have to thank my dad for giving me that name...he started asking if it was about numerology or etc...I was explaining to him how my name is pronounced and how it was suppose to be written as well...we had a good conversation about studies and children and etc.

At the same seminar, I met a guy who was going on and on about making decisions for his children and that children are not matured enough to make their own decision, when I got irritated and told him it is not wrong for ppl to make mistakes and success is not measured by just on how much we earn...I felt like telling him, as a parent it is his duty to his children to prepare them to make decisions in life and not for him to make the decisions...

Well...1 thing for sure...I am hopeless....

What is this doubt?

I dono what is wrong...

Someone is flirting with me and somehow I am thinking what is he up to...call me paranoid...call me crazy...but I am starting to think I am not trusting anyone anymore....and that is making me sad coz I want to trust people, I want to believe everyone does say or do things they mean and not out there to take advantage....

I have heard too many cases, too many nice people being hurt and I do not wish to be part of the statistic. I know I am the one who wants the attention, I want love, I want romance and this guy is giving me the attention and not the love or romance yet lah as I am not giving him any chances to move further. I am just being so careful not to fall for anyone...

What is surprising is....I am not swept off my feet....he is sweet...but somehow I am so grounded....not my fairy tale at all....susahnya manusia ni :-)

I kept thinking about my 'relationship' with doc.....I donno if I flirt with my doc but I know I am being myself when I chat with doc and doc somehow talks to me about all kinds of things under the sky...even about ANOVAs :-) Doc never for once made me think what is his motive for talking to me, doc never asked anything from me nor does he make me feel that he is up to something.....but this guy....sigh...sigh...

What is wrong with me lah? I want the attention and when someone is giving me the attention and I scared pula......I am so doubtful......I am suspicious......I am paranoid.......macam mana to meet peoplelah if I am like this?

I wish I can talk to my doc about this......

Smile

I am smiling....

Saw doc online tadi and the time was 10.50pm ish...and doc put a smile on my face....I have no idea how doc can do tat to me but each time he comes on the chat, he does make me smile...I know when I am chatting with doc, he is one person who understands what I am saying and I really appreciate that.....

Well doc....terima kasih for ending a lovely Sunday.....

Fair Life?

I had this conversation with doc sometime back...

Doc and I were chatting and in the chat doc said my Krshna is unfair sometimes...I obviously have to defend my Krshnalah....but the thing is, I am the one who beleives that everything happens for a reason. Whatever we think that should not be happening to us, has a reason for it to happen...

I am looking at my own life, I was always always compared to my 2nd sister by everyone...she is the fair and slim, brainy person and etc and I on the other hand is totally the opposite...I know ppl were being unfair for comparing us but somehow I was okay with all that...I knew that I am who I am and from young I knew that I am special in my own way and Krshna created me like who I am for a reason....I am a happy person by nature...eventhough I have gone through lots of pain and hardship, I know I am the one that smiles easily.... I hardly carry a grudge and I am the one who thinks life is beautiful...so there is fairness in the way Krshna created all of us. He knows when He made me, I will be who I am today....blessed with friends, with a heart that falls in love with everything, with a passion for words, with a smile on my face, with a conscience heart and mind....well I am glad for all those things that happened in my life coz now I know Krshna made me strong enough to handle them all....

I donno doc, may be I am not making sense....whatever that happens doc, I do think it is meant to be that way...whether we get what we wish for or don't get it, I think Krshna knows best. He might be thinking that we should not get what we are wishing for coz it might not be good for us...I donno if I am making sense or not but this is what I believe in....if I don't get it means it was not good enough for me and Krshna will soon show me the right path...

Well I do hope doc gets what he needs and deserves in his life....all the best doc...I have high hopes in you and if you have to do it again, I shall get you the forms once again.....keep hoping doc....what is meant to be yours will be yours......

A lovely Sunday

Had a lovely Sunday...

I did nothing this Sunday....woke up late, lazed around, had my dim sum....and watched CSI...all three of them. In the afternoon, I watched a Tamil movie and now as I am writing this blog, watching another Tamil movie....

I have so much to do but I am just taking this day off...it feels good...I do think I deserve a day off...don't I?

Pink

I am in pink today....

Asked doc what colour saree shall I tie tomorrow and the suggestion was pink :-) I had to drag myself out of bed this morning, I am still tired and lacking sleep...well, I found a pink saree with wild roses....it is a soft baby pink....then tot I shall accessories today with pink bangles and yes I have 2 dozens bangles on my right hand...too much right? But then again...wat else do I get to do that is crazy at work?

Morning as I walked into college everyone was calling me Ms Pinky...that is how pink I am...someone told me to apply lipstick, I obliged so now I have a soft pink coloured lips :-) I know it is not a raving hot red lipstick but somehow I know it is sweet and inviting :-) Now who am I invitinglah? Tak ada siapapun here...sigh....grins...

I am smiling or I am trying to smile and trying to forget about May 8th.

Yesterday evening, went swimming with Ms L and I told her about May 8th, she volunteered to come with me, my anney too said he will come with me, to give me the support I need....I donno if I am going to cry or not when I am there but somehow I know, now, I have two good friends with me there...a Chinese lady and a Malay man to be next to me....Krshna...I know I am blessed!

I will be fine and I promise I will smile...today and always......