An actor

I have decided...

This decision was made last night...I am going to be an actor. A happy face for everyone. A happy facade. That is what the world expects from me. I just have to be there for everyone and I should not expect anyone to be here for me.

It is not a selfish world... it is just my world. Perhaps my problems are not as great as others but then again, for me, my problems are such a burden...it's as heavy as Atlas carrying earth on his shoulders. I need to clear my muddled mind, I need to understand that my problems are mine to handle, I shall and should not seek for others to understand and comprehend my situation and to offer me a shoulder to cry or to lean on.

What am I going to do then? I am going to write here, I am going to express my hurt, my sadness, my loneliness, my desperate need for human touch..... I shall use these pages as the shoulder that I am searching for. It just dawned to me, no one is willing to listen, no one is willing to understand, no one wants a drama queen in their midst!

As DW said, life will go on and must go on....my question is why? Why must life go on?

Emptiness

I am empty...

I am loosing it.. Life is just a blank existence. I have no idea what and who I am living for. There's no reason to live, I will be happy if Krishna takes me now...happy is an understatement, I will be released from everything.

Why am I doing this to myself? Torturing my soul, wanting something that I dont know what it is. It's the void that is deafening. A hollow that I need to fill up. I don't hate this feeling, I just donno how to handle it....

The more I think about this, the more I am getting myself down. These days I'm getting too tired to bring myself up...it's taking too much of myself...

Krishna, please help me, guide me to cope with this emptiness in me.....

Beyond me

I am beyond you....

Ahhh...this was the statement uttered to me by CK. He felt he was way beyond me in this life. He said I am still holding on to love and attachment and he is going away from all of that. My only question was, why are you here then? Why did you come up all the way from KL to meet me when you think you don't want the attachment nor commitment or anything of that sort?

It is really surprising, I was not asking for an attachment, I was not asking for a commitment, God forbid I ask for marriage and yet someone can tell me that he is above me. I just had to smile at that moment... he is the one who is so attached to his children and his material world. I admit I am looking for love, at least, at this moment in life, I am allowing people to enter into my life. All I want is just to talk to someone, just blabber everything, looking for that friend that I have access to anytime of the day.

A told me that I have already found a man who understands me, unfortunately, he is married! It was actually SB that I called when I reached home after my conversation with CK. I called SB demanding him to be here, right this moment, to be my friend....and then I started crying. I told him I am disappointed with mankind. I told him no one is beyond anyone, I told him why do people hurt other people. He just scolded me, told me not to let anyone define me nor let anyone make me cry. I have grown up so much SB, you yourself can see the difference in me now since I have met you years back.

I am okay now, okay to hope again. I am sure there is someone out there that Krshna has picked for me....

DW & Deepavali

This is a long overdue post....

My dimple walla was here for Deepavali and I actually asked him if he wants to meet. He said yes for dinner but not at home. As usual dinner at 9 became supper at midnight. He called to ask if I still want to meet, I asked him back does he want to? 

Well he picked me up after midnite and we went to Pelita. I knew he wanted to tell me something....he was disturbed. It took him 3 hrs to open up...finally...it was hard to be in his position. All I could tell him then was that he was just dumb and he should live his life....people change...surroundings change....we just have to change and adapt....the past will always be there but we need to live this moment...

It was funny, after he told me his side of the story, he asked why I never asked him about his past, I just said thatI will wait till you want to tell me and today seemed to be the right day for you to do so. Friendship..it takes years to build the trust....I trusted him immediately but my dimple walla took his time to trust me back.....

Anyway, it was very weird when he suddenly asked me to remove my glass at the wee hours of the morning at Pelita, it was 3.10am. I told that I'm practically blind without them but knowing my dimple walla I did remove my glasses. He just sat there and looked into my eyes. I donno if he was looking for answers or clues or inspirations...😄

I didn't ask him if he found what he was seeking in my soul...I have a very messed up dimple walla. I wish I'm able to help him but I know him, he needs to do this on his own, no matter what anyone tells him, till he is ready he won't listen. I know coz I see me in him. 

To dimple walla, I'm always here...a friend  who can be your shoulder to lean on....

Thinking...

It's not an easy task...thinking I mean...

I am being asked lots of questions regarding to CK. As usual he is the latest topic of our chats n analysis n review. Each time I meet a guy, the whole lot of people In my life get together to discuss about it. Do I need to keep some parts of my life private? 

Anyway back to CK...question today was where am I heading with him. My honest answer, no where at this moment. I enjoy my chats with him. I enjoy the text messages throughtout the day. It's nice to be in someone's thoughts. I miss the attention. I miss the flirtation. I miss the chats and now CK is here providing me all that. 

Where is this going?? It all depends on him. I'm ok as a friend. Do I expect more him? I donno...perhaps yes...and emotional tie... I hv my dimple walla for the conversations and advises but I can't get the emotional dependency from him...he can't be there for me whenever I want him....there are the restrictions and rules that we have to abide, it's not his fault nor mine, it's just how the world works....

I will always cherish all the moments I have had with all these people whose paths I have crossed. I do hope CK  is a keeper...he sings to me, what more does a girl need :-)

I like the fact I'm very truthful to CK. I tell him how I feel for him or how I feel for the moment. This is me. I like that I can say whatever that is happening around me. I actually don't fear of him misinterpreting my words...I like this new maturity in the relationship. It feels free to be able to express yourself without caring that you would be judged by my words...

Is CK bringing back my memories of being with kutty? I donno. But it was the freedome of me talking to kutty about anything and everything was the force of my relationship with him. I was not shy, I was not holding back, I was myself...

CK is coming this weekend...that's the acid test. Is he going to sprint or is he going to stay....

CK

He called me for the first time on Sunday last week...

I have not been involved with anyone seriously for a while now. I actually stopped looking for a partner. All these changed when I went to KL last week to visit sister. She was down with dengue fever. Being there, I saw the intimacy, the love, the concern both she and mama had for each other. May be they can't see it, but at that moment I knew I wanted someone in my life. 

I have always told myself that it want to be with someone but it was not a serious thought. Anyway, that Saturday night I told Krishna I'm serious now. Send me someone.....this someone came to my life on Sunday night, precisely at 10.12pm. He called me and introduced himself and I had no clue who he was. We started talking...it was a long conversation...6 hours to be precise!

CK could sing...he freaked me out coz he sang the exact songs I was thinking in my mind. I like him. He is fun to talk. He sings. He is polite enough to tell me my Tamil is not that bad! How is this going to go?I don't know. I like the way I'm with him.

Krishna you know what's best for me. I do want a companion. Someone to love and care. Send him to me please.....and make it soon too

Who am I today?

Been asking this question for a long time....

Finally I am satisfied with the answer to this question. Who am I? I am a lady, happy, contended and sure of myself today. I was looking for a float to hang on to but today, now, I am free and I am floating by myself. I have no issues to settle in my life anymore and I am really looking forward to my everyday living.

Life is promising, everyday is promising. I have things lined up to do, I am happy planning and I have no complaints about anything. My everyday stuff is enjoyable. I wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, there is a new me in me, feels like I just woke up from a dream and my reality is great.

Even when I am writing this post I am asking myself am I in denial? Am I fooling myself? Am I pressing some issues? And the answer to them all is a big NO. I am just happy being me. It is not that I am not bothered about what others think of me or of my attitude or personality, I am just okay to accept others opinion without feeling bad about it.

I am glad I am having this realization at this age, I have so much to look forward to....