P and I are walking up and down USM hills for a week now. Over the weekend, she went back home, so I went for the walks on my own. I still enjoyed them but I like walking with P as we laugh at lots of things...
For instance, on our second walk, we saw 2 guys having coffee...the way 1 of the guy was looking at the other guy and the fact they brought a blanket to spread it on the ground, just took my breath away for a moment. With P there, we just had a fun time laughing and wishing that someone does tat with us :-)
The first 2 days of our walk, we bumped into this guy who looked kinda cute and P said this is destiny...love waves :-)
We get ppl waving at us...most likely to P. I told her one more time anyone looks at us, I am going to smile and wave to them :-)
Yesterday, we saw this cute looking monitor lizard making his way to donno where he was going and for the first time I saw a monitor lizard climbing a tree so easily...that was a sight to behold:-)
I am thoroughly enjoying my evening walks...for an hour or so, I am sharing my life with the trees, birds, grass and everything that mother nature has created......
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Why?
Why?
Why do I still love a man who betrayed me so much?
Why do I still think he loves me??
Why is this so hard??
Why am I still crying??
Why am I still hoping that everything will be alright??
Why do I feel I am all alone now??
Why am I so lost??
Why does this hurt so much??
Why?? Why?? Why??
Why do I still love a man who betrayed me so much?
Why do I still think he loves me??
Why is this so hard??
Why am I still crying??
Why am I still hoping that everything will be alright??
Why do I feel I am all alone now??
Why am I so lost??
Why does this hurt so much??
Why?? Why?? Why??
Monday, February 2, 2009
Lost
Suddenly I am feeling lost......
I have no one in my life, no appa, no amma, no more kutty....no more anyone that I can say is mine.....do I sound selfish? I donno but why at this moment I want someone for me???
I am thinking hard, really hard, who is mine? Me and myself only.....can I say all my bears are mine? I do talk to them, so may be they are mine?
I have my mind, I have the songs in me, I have my smile, I have me.....conclusion, I only have me...sounds very lonely but at least I am not betraying myself yet.....I still like me, I have still not lost me...
God, I donno if I make any sense saying watever I am saying...I do wish I can put all wat I am feeling in words tat makes sense.......
I have no one in my life, no appa, no amma, no more kutty....no more anyone that I can say is mine.....do I sound selfish? I donno but why at this moment I want someone for me???
I am thinking hard, really hard, who is mine? Me and myself only.....can I say all my bears are mine? I do talk to them, so may be they are mine?
I have my mind, I have the songs in me, I have my smile, I have me.....conclusion, I only have me...sounds very lonely but at least I am not betraying myself yet.....I still like me, I have still not lost me...
God, I donno if I make any sense saying watever I am saying...I do wish I can put all wat I am feeling in words tat makes sense.......
Proud to be me
Something happened yesterday evening, besides taking a big step in life and signing the papers!
The lawyer took me to the commisioner of oath to sign more documents infront of the person and our luck there were no chinese guy and so we had to go to an Indian lady.
When we walked in, she asked me to take a sit and I did and I was quiet while she checked for the details. My lawyer sat in a corner, when she asked him whether I am close to him, I was not expecting that question from anyone, well, he replied no, I am his client. The she added, but you never accompany your clients...
Well, I just let it be, once I finished signing and she finished attesting the documents, she said that S's name is familiar and if she knows him, I said I am very sure she might not know who S is and the lawyer said the same too...I still just kept quiet.
Then when I stood up to leave, she shook my hands and told me to wait, she has something to say.... she asked me if I have someone else in my life...that seriously I did not see it coming, I just turned and looked at the lawyer and I asked him, what is this all about? The lady said she is just giving me advice, not to take this laying down, I should show the world that I am able to marry another person and live happily ever after..... and that made me so furious, I told her off.
I just told her that I am happy to be whoever I am...I told her, I am following my dreams and I am living my life and I don't need a man called husband next to me to make me happy. I just don't get it, I am getting a divorce therefore it means I have tried this marriage thingy and it did not work out, so now pls pray tell me, why should I be doing the same mistake so soon in my life??
I just told her, you need to meet more people like me to understand the meaning of life, to understand the meaning of friendship, to understand the meaning of privacy and to understand the meaning of minding your own business....well, I did not get to say the last two but I sure wish I could go back to her and say it all...all over again.
I did not ask for her for any advice and as P said, that lady does not know what all happened in each and everyone's life and the thing was, I did not confide in her nor ask for any suggestions!!!
Now I think Krshna did tat so that my mind would be diverted for a moment, I was so upset with the lady coz she said I am going to end up as a lonely lady that I for a moment forgot about the pain of signing the documents....
Guesss everything happens for a reason...........
The lawyer took me to the commisioner of oath to sign more documents infront of the person and our luck there were no chinese guy and so we had to go to an Indian lady.
When we walked in, she asked me to take a sit and I did and I was quiet while she checked for the details. My lawyer sat in a corner, when she asked him whether I am close to him, I was not expecting that question from anyone, well, he replied no, I am his client. The she added, but you never accompany your clients...
Well, I just let it be, once I finished signing and she finished attesting the documents, she said that S's name is familiar and if she knows him, I said I am very sure she might not know who S is and the lawyer said the same too...I still just kept quiet.
Then when I stood up to leave, she shook my hands and told me to wait, she has something to say.... she asked me if I have someone else in my life...that seriously I did not see it coming, I just turned and looked at the lawyer and I asked him, what is this all about? The lady said she is just giving me advice, not to take this laying down, I should show the world that I am able to marry another person and live happily ever after..... and that made me so furious, I told her off.
I just told her that I am happy to be whoever I am...I told her, I am following my dreams and I am living my life and I don't need a man called husband next to me to make me happy. I just don't get it, I am getting a divorce therefore it means I have tried this marriage thingy and it did not work out, so now pls pray tell me, why should I be doing the same mistake so soon in my life??
I just told her, you need to meet more people like me to understand the meaning of life, to understand the meaning of friendship, to understand the meaning of privacy and to understand the meaning of minding your own business....well, I did not get to say the last two but I sure wish I could go back to her and say it all...all over again.
I did not ask for her for any advice and as P said, that lady does not know what all happened in each and everyone's life and the thing was, I did not confide in her nor ask for any suggestions!!!
Now I think Krshna did tat so that my mind would be diverted for a moment, I was so upset with the lady coz she said I am going to end up as a lonely lady that I for a moment forgot about the pain of signing the documents....
Guesss everything happens for a reason...........
Signing the papers
I signed the papers yesterday.
Tears flowed when I was doing it...I could not bring myself to sign the papers, I did a little prayer, asked for Krshna to guide my hands, asked Him to be there for the rest of my journey, with tat in mind, I signed the papers...the lawyer just waited, I dared not to look at him, I did not want him to see me with tears but I just could not help it.
Donno why, when I was signing, I told him, my dad would have been so disappointed to see me doing this, I donno why I thought about appa, but he was the only one who came into my mind.
The lawyer told me I will be fine, it was a good decision, it was about time I do it....I just told him, I have been thinking about this for the past 5 years, I know I have to do this but it is only now I can bring myself to do it......it was so difficult to make anyone understand what I am doing or what I am feeling except for some good friends who have been there from the beginning.
I will be okay coz I know while I am writing this, I am not crying..last nite when I spoke to him, I was crying telling him, it is all over now, I have done it and I told him I cried when I signed the papers....I just asked him if he knows how much I love him? I asked him if he knows how much of my dreams were crushed? I asked him if he knows how all my hopes were gone? I just asked him not expecting any answers from him....
Tears flowed when I was doing it...I could not bring myself to sign the papers, I did a little prayer, asked for Krshna to guide my hands, asked Him to be there for the rest of my journey, with tat in mind, I signed the papers...the lawyer just waited, I dared not to look at him, I did not want him to see me with tears but I just could not help it.
Donno why, when I was signing, I told him, my dad would have been so disappointed to see me doing this, I donno why I thought about appa, but he was the only one who came into my mind.
The lawyer told me I will be fine, it was a good decision, it was about time I do it....I just told him, I have been thinking about this for the past 5 years, I know I have to do this but it is only now I can bring myself to do it......it was so difficult to make anyone understand what I am doing or what I am feeling except for some good friends who have been there from the beginning.
I will be okay coz I know while I am writing this, I am not crying..last nite when I spoke to him, I was crying telling him, it is all over now, I have done it and I told him I cried when I signed the papers....I just asked him if he knows how much I love him? I asked him if he knows how much of my dreams were crushed? I asked him if he knows how all my hopes were gone? I just asked him not expecting any answers from him....
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I went on the facebook rather late...was not into facebook nor friendster.....
I have 2 reasons why I went on facebook, the first is to find Abang....Abang was a childhood friend, I think I knew Abang when we were 3 or 4 years old, Abang's mom n dad will leave Abang with my parents when they go to work. Abang n I went to kiddy together and we were best of friends. We won't cut our birthday cake if the other is not present, well, we were VIPs in each others life..
When we were 8 years old, Abang's dad got posted to Bukit Aman and we were too young to know the importance to keep in touch. Since then, I am looking for Abang, I have tried going through yellow pages looking for him, googled his name n etc and now I am on facebook to look for Abang...
Another reason, a 47 + year old someone I know, who does not even know how to check his mails, was on facebook and that really made me snap, I know it is a dumb reason but I donno why, I just tot it was ridiculous if I am not on facebook :-)
Well anyway, the reason for this entry...that 47+ year old someone told me that now I can change my status to single and I did and I have so far received 5 quieries on what has happened....I have not replied anyone yet....will take my own time to get back to them....
I have 2 reasons why I went on facebook, the first is to find Abang....Abang was a childhood friend, I think I knew Abang when we were 3 or 4 years old, Abang's mom n dad will leave Abang with my parents when they go to work. Abang n I went to kiddy together and we were best of friends. We won't cut our birthday cake if the other is not present, well, we were VIPs in each others life..
When we were 8 years old, Abang's dad got posted to Bukit Aman and we were too young to know the importance to keep in touch. Since then, I am looking for Abang, I have tried going through yellow pages looking for him, googled his name n etc and now I am on facebook to look for Abang...
Another reason, a 47 + year old someone I know, who does not even know how to check his mails, was on facebook and that really made me snap, I know it is a dumb reason but I donno why, I just tot it was ridiculous if I am not on facebook :-)
Well anyway, the reason for this entry...that 47+ year old someone told me that now I can change my status to single and I did and I have so far received 5 quieries on what has happened....I have not replied anyone yet....will take my own time to get back to them....
Doc & I
This is really beginning to be a mission impossible, yep, meeting my doc is slowly becoming harder than meeting the President of the United States...well it feels like it now....at least I have heard Obama's voice, with my doc, even that is a no no!!!
God knows what is the problem with my doc, why is he so reluctant to meet me or talk to me... What is he so scared of??? I was chatting with doc today and I actually told him that I merajuk now and I have decided not to meet my doc....too much hassle. May be it is better not to meet my doc, may be it is meant to be this way...
Probably doc thinks that I want something more out of this friendship, but trust me, I like my doc, I am not in love with him nor I see him in any other way than a friend, it is like seeing my dumbo or WS, I love them loads but I am not attracted at all to them...the only difference with doc and those guys are, I flirt with my doc, with dumbo n friends, we r just very very good friends...
Doc, I know you'll stumble on this entry sooner or later and I know there is going to be a frown earlier and now it would have changed into a smile and I know that you would have gotten the idea by now of who I am.... I am just ur teddy doc, harmless creature that God created who loves to laugh, sing, fall in love and cry like a baby.........
Doc, don't be afraid of me!!!
God knows what is the problem with my doc, why is he so reluctant to meet me or talk to me... What is he so scared of??? I was chatting with doc today and I actually told him that I merajuk now and I have decided not to meet my doc....too much hassle. May be it is better not to meet my doc, may be it is meant to be this way...
Probably doc thinks that I want something more out of this friendship, but trust me, I like my doc, I am not in love with him nor I see him in any other way than a friend, it is like seeing my dumbo or WS, I love them loads but I am not attracted at all to them...the only difference with doc and those guys are, I flirt with my doc, with dumbo n friends, we r just very very good friends...
Doc, I know you'll stumble on this entry sooner or later and I know there is going to be a frown earlier and now it would have changed into a smile and I know that you would have gotten the idea by now of who I am.... I am just ur teddy doc, harmless creature that God created who loves to laugh, sing, fall in love and cry like a baby.........
Doc, don't be afraid of me!!!
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