This is me...

A song that made me cry....

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me*

Many times in life I have questioned my existence, I fall and I rise back again and I tell myself to accept me. It is hard when you can't love yourself, I had to learn to love myself... I learned to love my curves, I learned to love my smile, I learned to love my skin colour...I learned and I am learning still.

Listening to this song reminded me that I am not alone, there are others fighting their own demons and battles. 

I feel blessed with the realization that I love my Upperwalla unconditionally. I love Him. 

*Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

Singer: Keala Settle

July 28 once again

It was the year 2002, a Monday morning, when I legally married him...

It's been 16 years and I am still questioning myself for the choices I made in life. He was the one I truly loved, he understood me, he knew my vulnerability, he knew my desperation, he knew how much I loved him.

I don't know where and how he is today, I tried to reach out to him, but I am not getting any response. I do wish him well, I am happy for him, we made our choices, am still crying but I do hope he is happy with his chosen life.

I am so broken inside me, I have patched up lots of hurt and pieces of my heart, there are still cracks and I realised some parts are not fixable but I am surviving. My Upperwalla has blessed me in many other forms, I am grateful. Perhaps I am being selfish for wanting more, wanting it all.

I need to refocus my life. The new job opportunity is a good diversion. I am looking forward to my own place, a new beginning, meeting new people. That's something to look forward.

I am questioning myself if this is the right move to make. I am safe and comfortable at my present place, what will the future be? No one can answer this. I have been asking my Upperwalla to guide me in the right direction. My only trust is in Him..

How am I going to go through this 28th? 

My plan, go to work, after work swim, after swim, sleep till the next day....don't think much, it is just another day....

Moving On

I was in KL over the weekend...

It was akka's 60th birthday and she had prayers at home. I survived the morning though I was a bit sad with what my sister did but I told myself that is expected.

Lucky for me K-A was there, we had fun going window shopping for lights and fans. I am not sure how many shops we went but it really lots and lots of lights we saw. We managed to watch a movie, but through out the movie there was something in my mind.

Earlier, as KA was driving, I called my friend who had said he was not well and etc hence I wanted to visit him. He didn't answer my call but texted back saying he was in Singapore attending a meeting. I wished him well and just said my bye. I looked at KA, I didn't cry, but just told her that's the reason I told myself not to be attached to anyone. It was a betrayal, telling me he was so sick but yet he was able to travel. I was disappointed, he could have just told me he is well.

All these are just reminders in life, just trust yourself, no one else.

So what now, well, ! move on, as I have always done. Life goes on and it should go on happily for everyone.

Little things...

Little things that make you happy and sad...

I am just happy this morning for changing my phone cover, it is chilli red and I am just happy. The sun is shinning brightly on my face and I am happy. I have artificial red roses with tiny green leaves on a white vase at the window sill and I am happy. I am happy, I am reminding myself that little things make me happy coz the truth is I am sad.

Why the sadness my dear girl?

Sad coz I have become insignificant in many's lives. I am not part of their joy. I am only part of people's life when they need help, I am there to share their pain and sorrows but not their joy. I am not sure how to feel about this actually....a doormat? 

I will be ok. I have to make decisions. 

I will have my good days and bad days. I will survive. I won't dig into my past to find the answers, it is not necessary. I will focus what I can do for myself.

Be brave my fragile heart. We will be ok. We shall live on happily.

Good bye my Beast

I said goodbye to someone today....

My heart aches but there are no tears. I had to do it. What I started as an acquaintance turned to be a friend and moved on to be more than a friend but wasn’t there yet. I was okay to say to you I love you and I miss you and you reciprocated each time. I started to care for you....and when I knew you were not well and I couldn’t do anything or know what’s happening with you, I cried and that’s when I knew this has to stop. 

I didn’t like the feeling of being vulnerable. I couldn’t handle the unknown. We never spoke what we are. You made me special, we even gave each other a nickname. I thought I was having fun. I thought I knew clearly my boundaries. I was wrong. 

You reminded me of my ex. I was obviously kept in the dark. I was oblivious of what was happening. There were lots of uncertainties with my ex. He didn’t tell me the truth, lots of missing parts in whatever he said....you did the same. You kept me away and in the unknown. 

You honesty triggered lots of emotions that I am/was trying to bury. 

I just couldn’t handle it. 

I just didn’t know who am I in your life.

Not knowing that breaks my heart. I promised to myself never to allow anyone to ever break my heart ever again.....I am yet to fully  recover, it has been over 10 years but....

V told me to give myself a chance. KA said it’s ok to love again. I do want to give myself a chance and to love again. If only..... if only....you allow me into your life......

I’m going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss saying I love you. I’m going to miss asking  you for hugs. I’m going to miss you. 

I love you my Beast....good bye....

Stay or run?

My heart and mind had a serious chat this morning...

Not receiving my good morning reply and no chats till mid afternoon got me worried. Is something wrong with the person, is the individual not feeling ok, I was worried. Finally a reply confirming my intuition. I am not feeling well, I could not drive, am at my brother's house now...sigh. I didn't know what to do.

If only you know how I am feeling right now, I am worried and I feel helpless. I called you but you could not answer my call. I called KA and was mumbling away, she said it is so not me, what is wrong with me. I told her, I am angry, am so angry coz I am not able to talk to you, I don't want to be in this situation, she calmly told me, this is what happens when you love someone. I told her no, I am not in love, then I ended up crying talking to her.

All I want to do now is to be with you. I just want to be able to do something for you. I feel helpless...

We have not said anything about where we are in each other's life....I tell myself am just a friend but why does my heart hurt so much now?

The discussion now within me is shall I stay where I am now or shall I run...

Friesian

He is our overly excited mongrel...

Friesian was named so because of his colour, black and white like the Friesian cow. He was a lovable guy, love his kisses and jumps and licking my face! And oh ya, the guy loves to take photos!

It was the day after the election, I came home to an empty house, Romeo was not well but Friesian was missing...I was not greeted by the barks and the jumping frenzy. He was at the vet, he had food poisoning...we had to  put him to sleep.

Good bye my lovely friend. I miss you much.

Tea with TM dude

Yes, I went out with TM dude...

He asked if we could have tea on a Sunday evening, I said yes, I had nothing to do and I was bored silly at home and I was looking for entertainment. I told EB that I am meeting TM guy and he asked me to be careful..I mean seriously????

Well, anyway, TM guy started to tell his story. It was rather sad. I was sitting there and was telling myself, everyone has a story to tell. They look okay and chirpy outside but when you hear their stories, your heart just saddens.

TM guy went through a lot, it is sad but as he said, he will fight till the end. Sometimes there is no justice and it is disheartening to see someone loosing faith in God. I did not say much, just listened to him, he just wanted someone to talk to.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks, he was attending court and the night before he told me to send him positive vibes. I told him, I will do better, I will pray for him and God will be there. He messaged me in the evening, so elated that he got to meet his son, to hold him and to just spend an hour with the child was more than he could ask for. I could hear the excitement and the happiness in his voice. In the morning I asked if he had a good night, his reply was, after a long time, last night he had appetite and he ate well and he slept soundly.

I honestly don't know what is the truth but whatever it is I do hope TM dude will find his peace... 

A proud Malaysian

It was election on May 9...

A discussion that took place years back came to my memory. There were 5 of us, working together, head of schools and our routine at most evenings when almost everyone has left office is to make our favorite beverage and sit together to chill and to discuss any matters that sometimes is related to work/staff or just sometimes about anything under the sky.

One day, I opened up on a topic that I have read somewhere about how someone identifies themselves, it consisted on 3 factors and how we rank the importance was very interesting. The factors were: nationality, gender, religion. I posed this question to the group. Let me give a brief dynamics of the group, it consists of 3 guys; a Muslim Malay, a Caucasian from Melbourne, a Taoist Chinese, and 2 ladies, a  Taoist Chinese and myself, a Hindu Tamil. We were rather surprised how we identified ourselves, the 2 ladies, ranked our gender to be top, followed by our nationality and the last was our religion/race. The guys I recall did not rank their gender top. We had a lively discussion on this and we saw how our nationality became an important aspects in who we were.

Now back to present day, the nation or at least most of us decided on that faithful Wednesday, 9th of May, to be united as Malaysian...we were not Chinese or Indian or Malay, we were proud Malaysians and we showed it to the world. 

Nothing gives me more pride then to say I am a Malaysian and this is Negaraku, tanah tumpah darahku....

A conflict?

Why this conflict in me?

I have always been the person who just follows my heart in whatever I do. I don't listen much to my brains/mind when it comes to matters of emotions. I am truly level headed and solely listen to my mind/brains when it comes to studies and work and I find that my heart does not play much a role here..

Well, now to the conflict, it is whether I should stop chatting with this one human being or should I just continue on...I told myself never to be emotionally tied to anyone after my relationship ended with Kutty, my ex. At this moment, it is not really emotional dependence I have with this person, it is just that I text him and I do wait for a reply, I even went to the extent of giving him a different message tone..customized the tone, so that I would know he had answered. I am the one who text him in the morning, chat with him in the afternoon and tell him good night which is added with a hug and love you.

I don't know why I am questioning myself with my routine with him now. Why am I asking "why am I the one who is always starting the conversation". I was asking this question over the past two days, why can't he be the one who says good morning first, why can't he be the one who misses me. Why can't he be the one who says good night with a hug and a love you? Why is it me doing all the talking?

When that thought came into my mind, I stopped and asked, why am I treating him a notch higher than the rest? Why am I having this conflict between my heart and my mind? Is this what I want? Why am I being so calculative?

I am able to answer all the questions, but, I am not ready to hear my own answers...

So for now, until my brain takes control of the situation, I am letting my heart rule...

I need to have my talk with my Upperwalla...

My Upperwalla & my appa

My Upperwalla made me burst out laughing in the temple...

It was appa's prayers. Went to the Bayan Baru Shivan temple for the first time. It was spacious and airy and loved the colour. Saw an uncle from my childhood, he was surprised to see me and looked at the vilaku I was carrying, told him it is appa's prayers, his 22nd year of passing. The uncle touched my head and said bless you. It was really gentle...

When I was praying, my mind was on something else. I needed some form of affirmation, asked both appa and Upperwalla to give me a sign, red flowers means A and yellow flowers means B. I was praying hard for an answer and was honestly anticipating what flowers the priest was going to giveme....and I was stunned to receive both the red and yellow flowers!! I was in a daze on what just had happened, thus looked at the Aunty next to me, to confirm if she had received both colour flowers as well but she only received one coloured flowers. It was then dawned to me what happened and I burst out laughing. Both my appa and Upperwalla are having fun with me. I went around the temple with a big grin, telling them both how mischievous they are!

This is a first for me, not crying in the temple as I go around thinking about appa and how much I miss him...may be he didn't want me to cry anymore on that day...

Came home and I was on my own, cooked and got everything ready by mid afternoon. I prayed and KA arrived just in time. When I went to take the food offered to appa, I saw half of the garland fell just before the food. I told myself appa came and I was in a good mood. KA finished eating when Thambi came. He was surprised I could cook..hahaha...while Thambi ate, KA made herself comfy and dozed off on my sofa. When she got up we had tea and coffee and chatted, she kept me occupied.

It was late night when I went to shower and I saw a beautiful green moth. I told EB I saw a moth, he said appa has come and that was when I started crying and crying....I told EB I have never said I love you to my appa, old school parents, never showed any display of emotions. I asked EB if my appa will approve of me, be proud of me. I did not turn out like my sisters, they are married and with their family and here I am on my own and doing whatever nonsense I am doing without anyone telling me to behave..... 

I miss you appa, miss you very much... 

TM dude part 2

He asked me out for dinner....

I was totally surprised to receive his text in the evening. I had just finished telling Ms L about him and we sat for dinner and I received a text from him. I burst out laughing and Ms L joined me. Mr L was surprised why we both found it funny.

I told TM dude I was having dinner with my friends and will chat later. He was at the airport when we talked over the phone. He told about his family, dad moved on 11 years  back and was working in Std Charted while mom was working in Telecoms. I now know he has 2 sisters, one in Penang, staying together with him and single and another sister in Puchong married and mom staying there with her. About him, I didn't ask. I saw his profile pic and there was a little boy, I am guessing his son!

Well, I had to fish, so asked what did his wife cook for dinner, he said no wifey. Ok...

He was about to say something when I interrupted him, later I asked him what was his question...he said he has lots to ask, thus, can he take me for dinner and he can ask all the questions! Yes, this guy can talk! I was thinking, mannn what a pick up line. I should use this line next time! My mind was thinking what else, how do I get out from this....

Thank God his flight was called for boarding....

I told KA, she laughed and said bless me. I texted EB, he was going whattttt!!

What am I doing? Laughing... why am I doing this? I don't know. I didn't initiate anything. Why did I pick up the call? I am entertaining myself...I told KA, you will never know, I might get a good offer for my mobile data and calls from TM. My Upperwalla is laughing at me too..

Of everything that was happening yesterday, I missed my appa most. I wish I am sitting between his legs and telling him all this. I wish he can tell me what to do. I wish he can tell me everything will be ok...I am wishing you are here appa... 

The question now....am I waiting for someone to say don't go??

Dr TM

There was a meeting with some TM folks at work...

We had a morning meeting today, 4 people from TM and about 6 of us from work. I as usual was seated next to my boss. After the initial introduction, the TM folks started their proposal presentation. The guy who did the presentation, Dr TM, well was good, he could talk, he could convince, and yes, he is an Indian.

After the discussion session, he came over to my place and asked for my name again. He then proclaimed oh you are "Victory" then. I just gave him a lame smile. He continued on asking what I do at work and then asked if he can apply for a lecturer's position. I said yes, sure, send in your resume and that was the mistake I made. He asked for my phone number, sigh, I was cornered! 

My colleague came over and we were chatting about something when Dr TM asked where I am staying, who I am staying with and where I went to school and did my further studies. I was basically irritated, he was not discrete at all with his questions, I mean, can he be more subtle in finding out about me. He went on guessing my age, I could feel my eyes rolling!!! I mean why oh why???

I was looking for an escape route, managed to pull my colleague in to ask something and  whispered to my colleague that I need to be rescued. My colleague was amused but he obliged!

Anyway, Dr TM did reveal about himself here and there, he is from Penang, stays in Bayan Baru, did his doctorate in USM and took 9 years to complete...all these without me asking him anything. At the exit, all the others except Dr TM came to shake my hand but unbelievably Dr TM made the hand gesture 'call me'. I was seriously seriously taken aback, I mean, seriously, who does that? How professional is that??

Don't get me wrong, this dude was tall, and looked ok. Speaks well and can carry himself well too. Just that I think my mind is somewhere else.....

I miss you EB, come home fast 😉

Taiping

We planned for a road trip some time back and finally it materialized on Sunday...

It was supposed to be four of us, but Achi had to pull out the last minute, her mom in law was not well. Vasu n Ish parked at my place and we set off to Taiping at 7.50am. We went to three temples, first was Ayya temple that was located in the middle of an oil palm estate. It was not so difficult to find the temple, we could see the landmark from a distance. The temple was huge, Vasu kept saying it is a tourisy temple, I am guessing lots of outside people do come to the temple. We found it amusing to find MGR's statue in the temple ground. He had a garden! Vasu could not help it!!!

 

Next stop was a Murugan temple. It was a very cool drive up the hill. The whole path was covered with trees. Right opposite the temple was a waterfall with white water gushing. We went the day after Panghuni Utthiram. Murugan was covered with garlands and garlands of flowers. I didn't have the heart to leave the temple...it was just peaceful!

Vinayagar under a cute umbrella

Beautiful Muruga

Thanneermalai Sri Thandayuthapani Alayam, 382 Waterfall Road, Perak, 34000 Taiping

           

Our last stop was a Shivan temple which was located in the midst of a housing estate. A sight to behold too. There was a wedding inside the temple thus was not able to take any photos inside but I did manage to capture a beautiful photo of the gopuram.

The wedding was an Iyenger wedding, first time I witnessed a glimpsed of an Iyer wedding. It looked interesting no doubt! I made a note to myself, need to find an Iyer friend and attend one of their weddings.

The three of us had a pleasant time. It was a 2 in 1 trip, temples and chats. This is the second time we are doing this. First time a few years back, we went to temples in Penang. It was surprising to us that we had not been to so many temples in Penang itself! Next road trip, the plan is to go down to KL. Ish suggested KL and temples and pub! I know, we are just crazy people!  

I am 47

My 47 years on this earth...

It was a bright Thursday, woke up in the morning with a number of Whatsapp birthday wishes. Wore my Kashmiri red floral saree. Went to temple and off to work. Pleasant surprises at work. My four ladies bought me sarees, one cotton saree from Meena and the other 3 ladies got me a silk saree. They even bought for me malligai poo. I was really touched with their gesture!

Next my boss took me to get my earrings. I totally fell for a pair of pearl earrings n a pair of diamond studs. It was a bit on the pricey end but told myself it is my gift for myself. I have no one whom I can ask to buy me a pair of diamond earrings anyway! I came back to work  and received a bouquet of flowers with chocolates. A pleasant surprise..


Dinner was with Ms L. We had a good time chatting. The previous night, both Mr & Mrs L and I went for fine dining, seriously the food was yummy and very well presented. It was a pre-birthday celebration for Mr L and me. 

Blessed life?

Yes! A girl who turned 47 has lots to thank her Upper walla. 

Telco Guy

An unbelievable indecent proposal...

I know this guy from a friend who was working in one of the telcos. It was a very casual chat, a hi here and a bye there. I as usual, do take whatever people say without questioning, there is no reason for questioning as it does not matter to me what your life is about.

Anyway, one evening after movie with KA and Vasu, we were having dinner and Vasu asked KA how come she is not married. I turned and looked at KA and there was this moment of bright light bulb flashing in my head. Why not introduce this guy to KA. They both have the same faith, age is more or less the same, why not?

I went on immediately on the introducing process, this was before end of last year. Arranged a meeting when both can make it but alas at the last moment, KA couldn't come, thus I ended up meeting Telco Guy and chatting with him. He was telling me his story, I just listened, I didn't ask for further details. Anyway, our chats were a usual good morning and how are you. I was keeping the communication open as I was looking for suitable time to get KA and Telco Guy to meet.

About mid of February, one lonely night (I am just creating drama here) Telco Guy texted me at the middle of the night, asked what I was doing. He started talking about being lonely and etc. and that was when he made an indecent proposal. He asked if I want to be in a relationship with him, a relationship where it consist of hugs and kisses.... I was flabbergasted, first of all, I am trying to pair him up with my KA and this was so not right, it felt like I was betraying my friend. I immediately told KA what was happening, we laughed, I kept telling her I did not flirt with Telco Guy, I was trying so much promoting KA to him. She between laughter said she knows me well and I don't even have to explain anything to her. Anyway back to Telco Guy, I told him am not looking for that kind of a relationship, am open for a relationship, a relationship that I don't have to hide. And what I am looking for in a relationship is a partner who shares his life with me, not to hide about me. I don't need to announce my relationship to the whole world but at least I don't have to hide it from my friends... Well, why am I giving such a long explanation here? Because, after me telling him this, telco guy just disappeared. No more morning messages, no more phone calls, it was total silence. Of course KA and I had a good laugh about it.

Two days back, telco guy emerged. Sent me a good morning message. I asked KA what shall we do now? I was just curious to know why did he disappear. Yesterday evening he called, asked if can meet, I said yes. I need to get my answer...I am just a curious cat, am guilty as charged.

He started the conversation by saying his granny passed away the morning after he chatted with me and he was completely devastated. I just listened. He was talking and talking about his granny's passing and also his cousin's passing. He said he went off to India (Ooty) for 2 weeks to find peace as he was totally going bonkers. I just listened. I only said I am sorry for his loss. I didn't ask why he kept silent, he could have just replied my message telling me his situation. He blurted out saying he miss his son. Now that was something new to me. I just kind of woke up! He told me much earlier on of his divorce....and that he has never been with a girl, ever! Well, Telco Guy was married twice and divorced twice and has a 2.5 year old son. 

I went back home and told KA about this. She asked what was my conclusion about this..I had a few, first, Telco Guy is a write off. I don't entertain people who lie, he could have just said he has a son and he is divorced. Nothing wrong in that, he lied saying he has never been with a girl! Secondly, I need to do more digging before I introduce someone to someone. I am dumb to think people are genuine, I don't question people when they say things about themselves. I noticed that I question alot when it comes to work or anything theory etc but not when it comes to people and their selves. Third conclusion, I am not into indecent proposals!

Ennai Maatrum Kadhale

A Tamil song that is disturbing my mind...

Ennai Maatrum Kadhale, Ennai Maatrum Kadhale, Edhayum Maatrum Kadhale, Kadhale.
Ennai Maatrum Kadhale, Unnai maatrum Kadhale, Edhayum Maatrum Kadhale, Kadhale.

This love that changes me, This love that changes me, This love that can change anything, 
This love that changes me, This love that changes you, This love that can change anything...

Is love that strong? Is it capable of changing a person. I have stopped believing in love. Past experiences have taught me well...

I did change and compromise more than I should when I thought I was in love once, I did not like who I was during and after the relationship. I was not me, I became someone who was so needy of love and affection....I still am now, needing love and affection, but it is different now. I ask myself is this what I want, is this okay with me?

I don't want to be uncomfortable in thinking I am being judged for my actions, I want to be comfortable with life, I want to know I am entering something knowing what I want and not care a bit I am being judged. I am looking for a partner who thinks and feels alike.

Love is definitely capable of changing everyone, we all know that, but how much we allow ourselves to change is solely up to us. 

EB asked me to elope, I asked shall we go to Timbuktu, he suggested Alaska, this is fun...what is this? This is just 2 person entertaining each other...

Thank you for asking me to elope, you make me laugh, that is love for me now....

Me

Me...who am I?

I have been defined as fierce, chatterbox, loving, sensitive or over sensitive, loud mouth and many more. I have endured all that. We do this, we give titles for people....she is always like that, very dominant, no wonder no man wants her.... A sentence I have heard too many times. I have come across this statement too...you are too fat, no man wants a fat girl, loose weight and you will find a guy...

Question is, have I survived all these? The answer, yes, am not surprised anymore with what anyone says about me. But over the weekend, someone close to me said that I am living a cursed life. It just hit me hard but I was surprised I didn't react. Perhaps, I have become too immune to everything thrown to me. Why a cursed life? What is a cursed life?

My life isn't perfect. I don't know what is the definition of a perfect life but I like my life. I have my ups and downs day but during my down days, I have my friends to lift me up. Perhaps I don't have that 1 person I can go home to tell him my day, but I honestly have not one but many friends I can tell what a crappy day I had.

Last night was chatting with 2 ladies in my life, 2 of us will be 47 this year and the other 44. We made a pack, no more crying for others, we shall live our lives the best we can and on our terms. If we need to cry buckets of tears, we will do it together as we truly understand each other.

This got me thinking, when you cry at 7 or 17 or 27 or 37 or 47, it is still tears, it still hurts, only the reasons and issues changes. I know I have changed and I am still changing. I am learning to be true to myself, true to my beliefs, true to my thoughts. This is my life, if I can't be the person I want to be now, when else can I then? I am far from perfect, I can be a pain, I know I am coz sometimes I shake my head looking at myself. But this is me, this is the path I have chosen, if this means I have to walk alone, so be it. 

I am meeting wonderful and not so wonderful people on this journey of my life. I have a blessed life, I have so many things to be thankful for me, my love for my Upperwalla is just love, I have no words to describe this love...I am blessed to all the little things I enjoy in life, the rain, the rainbow, the sunshine...and the list keeps growing. I am blessed with good friends, I love my kids. Well, cursed or not or blessed or not, this is my life!

My tag line for this year...be true to yourself...love life..

My EB

He is my Ensem Boy...

That is how I refer him, my EB. His real name? I still have no clue!! At this moment he is the one I openly express my flirtatious self. I have no idea how we met and when we started chatting but it feels like a long long time. 

My EB calls me BE, I asked him why BE? What does it mean? He said it is the opposite of EB. Yup, a simple answer that made me laugh. He comes up with the most amazing spellings, i.e. EB @ Ensem Boy! I wouldn't have thought the spelling in a million years! He makes me laugh with all the silly things we chat. Sometimes I call him sayang, it just comes naturally especially when I want to make a point...

I recall chatting with him when his mom was not well and when she moved on. The message he sent was one of the most memorable ones in my heart, he said something like "mom is on her way to met her maker". That message touched the core of me, I saw the beauty in departing this world, I felt it was so beautiful, when it is my time, I will be looking forward to finally meet the one I love and cherish most, my Upper walla.

I ask shamelessly for hugs n kisses from him. And he obliges without a wink. All this in chats but when we meet in person, we hardly even shake hands! I had told him a million thank yous...for letting me say "I love you". It is important for me to utter the words, least I forget I have a heart that is capable of love. I sometimes just want to believe someone out there still takes the trouble to listen to me and says he loves me too. 

My EB, you don't have to be next to me, you just have to be my virtual friend, a friend who entertains my silly demands for hugs...

I am not sure if you understand how much it heals my lonely heart EB, by just saying 'I love you' before I sleep at night gives me so much comfort.

Thank you my EB. I love you...

A melt down

Had a melt down a couple of days back...

My eldest niece finally agreed to get married to her long time partner, they met when they were both in Lower Six, it is a 10 years relationship with lots of ups and downs and drama! I was happy for her. Last year I had a chat with her, told her it is okay if she doesn't want to get married but chose to live with her partner. I had to brainwash her mom, my sis in law, that it is okay to be in a committed relationship. Anyway, it was a joyful occasion for her and her now husband.

As for me, the usual happened. I was alienated by my second sister and her hubby. They made me feel I was not needed there and that I did not exist. I was truly hurt, I am used to be ignored but somehow it still affects me. Been learning to be detached to everyone, but somehow I still am looking for that sense of belonging.

I realized last night that they have successfully made me feel that I am orphaned and all alone in this world. That reality hit me hard...at that moment, I did not turn to my Upper-walla, I just started crying. I forgot I have Him in my life, I totally didn't reach out to Him. Made me think, I just wanted to wallow in self pity....that's my fault, entirely my fault. I have said over and over that I have my Krishna with me but when I really need Him, it was me who did not turn to Him.

Lesson I learnt from this drama, life is short, if people choose not to be in your life, you have to just walk away. Don't wait to be invited back. I have to just chose to live the way I want, if I have to be on this journey on my own, so be it. 

I have my Krshna and He has given me good friends, I am happy.

As a friend this morning said "Life is a journey, learning.. never a mistake"

When I first spoke to DW on Sunday night, he was blabbering away, asked him what is it that you are trying to tell me, he said he don't know how to make me feel better. My dear friends, all I want is acceptance, to love and be loved. Am just a simple girl looking to belong...and I found it, at least for now, I know I belong to myself and to my Upper-walla. I am His, wholeheartedly...

A good morning message for me from one of friends....

Each and everyone of us have our purpose to be living this life. God has created us specifically to go through this life the way He wants it to be. We just have to not forget how awesome we are!

Cheers to life, it is beautiful....

My Trichy Trip

A shopping trip to Trichy...

Went on Thursday and was back on Sunday, our mission was to buy sarees for my nephew's wedding. The bride followed with me and my sister. The bride's sister who was studying in Chennai joined us. So four ladies shopping...boy it was fun from the minute go!

Our bride didn't have a clue what she wanted, she went with a very open mind. We were in and out numerous shops, she tried on numerous sarees and she was spoiled for choice. It was at the end of the third day that she found her saree, a bright orange with pink combination. It looked stunning on her, we had a happy bride.

I went thinking of buying only two sarees for my niece and one for myself but as usual I ended up buying four sarees for myself, two for my niece,  six sarees to be given away. An excellent shopping spree!

One of the things I wanted to do was to go back to Vaithiswaran to find some answers. I got them. Now I am looking forward to my answer. I am praying everything will be great.

I came back to tell K-A I had enough of India...three trips within 5 months is a bit too much to digest.  All through my trip to Trichy, I was hooked with this song from Kaatru Veliyidai - Azhagiye marry me marry me.. 

Azhagiye ...

Marry Me Marry Me

Azhagiye

flirt with me

Get high with me

Azhagiye ...

I fell especially for these lines........

thuli kaalam kaetten
thuli kaadhal kaetten
thuli kaamam kaetten
maru uyire..

My Trichy trip was great, I had a lovely time, the girls (bride & sister) were fun to be with. Sree Renganatha temple was magnificant. And now I am waiting for my  destiny to come true.....

Mr Singh

There's a Mr Singh at work....

I have a part time lecturer teaching Law at my work place. A nice friendly and rather chubby guy. He is sweet and that was all I noticed about him. Recently, my colleagues noticed that Mr Singh finds ways to come to my room and gets all chirpy and smiley when he talks to me. Once I entered the lift with some others and he was already in the lift and was about to come out, he stayed on and just chatted until I came to the ground floor and he went up again! The others starting laughing and they started teasing me and there I was totally denying playing any part in that drama! 

Well, yesterday, it was ponggal celebration at work and I made kesari. Mr Singh came late and when he went to the buffet table, someone said I made the kesari. He took so many pieces and came to my room and ate them. My colleague was here, the moment Mr Singh came, she left, and later said "I didn't want to come between you and Mr Singh". 

Baby Singh

Mr Singh and I had a good chat, first time we talked more about our families. His mom was born in Shanghai and moved to Hong Kong, thus, his mom side, are still there and Hong Kong for him is like his second home. His dad was born in Punjab but was working in Malaysia. He went back to Punjab and married his mom who came to Punjab to get married too. They then moved to Malaysia and raised their family here. We discovered that we enjoy travelling and Mr Singh has traveled quite a bit too.

Our conversation was interrupted when my staff started teasing him for being too long in my room. You see Mr Singh is fair and he turned red when he realised he was being teased. Me? I just laughed.

Office romance? We shall wait and see.....

I wish...

How I wish I can just pick the phone and call someone ....

At this moment, all I want is to call you - yes you, who does not exist yet in my world. My tummy is hurting today and I don't feel well and what is sad is, I have no one I can tell/manja with. All I want is to go home, have someone make me hot tea and pamper me silly.

Little things that I wish for: for someone to drive the car, for someone to hold my hand crossing the road, for someone to help me decide what to eat, for someone to go for a movie with or a wedding to attend together or for a short holiday... Most married couple won't even think these things are important, it is, especially when you feel all alone in this world.

I went out for lunch with a couple of beautiful, married ladies. They were curious to know why am I in the mode to get married..I told them am looking for someone to chat and wake up in the morning to, that's when one of the chirped in, I am looking for a companion.

Right this moment, am just looking for someone to manja me. That's all I am wishing for....