Good bye my Beast

I said goodbye to someone today....

My heart aches but there are no tears. I had to do it. What I started as an acquaintance turned to be a friend and moved on to be more than a friend but wasn’t there yet. I was okay to say to you I love you and I miss you and you reciprocated each time. I started to care for you....and when I knew you were not well and I couldn’t do anything or know what’s happening with you, I cried and that’s when I knew this has to stop. 

I didn’t like the feeling of being vulnerable. I couldn’t handle the unknown. We never spoke what we are. You made me special, we even gave each other a nickname. I thought I was having fun. I thought I knew clearly my boundaries. I was wrong. 

You reminded me of my ex. I was obviously kept in the dark. I was oblivious of what was happening. There were lots of uncertainties with my ex. He didn’t tell me the truth, lots of missing parts in whatever he said....you did the same. You kept me away and in the unknown. 

You honesty triggered lots of emotions that I am/was trying to bury. 

I just couldn’t handle it. 

I just didn’t know who am I in your life.

Not knowing that breaks my heart. I promised to myself never to allow anyone to ever break my heart ever again.....I am yet to fully  recover, it has been over 10 years but....

V told me to give myself a chance. KA said it’s ok to love again. I do want to give myself a chance and to love again. If only..... if only....you allow me into your life......

I’m going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss saying I love you. I’m going to miss asking  you for hugs. I’m going to miss you. 

I love you my Beast....good bye....