I am relearning life....
Last week, I woke up from my slumber to realise that I can't stand being me...I am talking the physical me, not the inner me. I actually understood why my mom did not like me, I stood infront of the mirror and all I could see is the ugly me, I could not see even a bit in me that I thought is beautiful....
Then it hit me, I have been lying to myself all these years, I keep saying I am beautiful inside and that is important. I always say that I am special, unique and I am who I am...but why am I doing that...I have to ask myself that question! I have been telling or consoling myself, I know I am not pretty hence to overcome that I've been telling myself that I have inner beauty...what inner beauty....that was the next question!
I decided on that day that I am going to stop talking to everyone. First I messaged Kutty to thank him and to apologise to him, thanked him for marrying me coz when I saw myself, I knew no one would want to be associated with me, no one would have wanted to introduce me as his wife....well Kutty did love me at one time.... I apologised to him for making his life tough, he had a choice not to marry me, but he did and he went through hell just because of me....
Then I set on telling all my important friends of my decision to go on hiding...I need time to know myself, to love myself, to be able to look at myself and not think that I am ugly..basically, I have to be okay with myself.....I received mixed reactions from every one of them...
I am taking this time to relearn how to live.....I am going on a journey that is giving me so many paths to choose and I am surprised that I am able to see all these different paths....I do know Krshna is accompaning me on this journey....
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Vegas
I got a proposal on 14th February....
Oh yes, I was alone on 14th February and was online when this guy waltz into my life... it was funny how I responded to him... he sent me messages but I could not reply to him, I am not sure what was wrong with yahoo on that day and this guy was going it was my karma today that I am not chatting and etc... he really made me so curious that I actually added him to my ym and started chatting with him and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
He was decent... he was Malay hence he asked me to go to Vegas to marry him :-) We were talking about all kinds of nonsense, from food to religion to everything.. We even planned on how to go to Vegas from KL:-) Oh ya, he introduced me to Rumi's poems... he even recited them when we were on the phone... and me biasalah, fell in love with the love poems....
That day, I was chatting with him from 10pm till the next morning to 8am.. in the middle, his electricity went off and he called me and we were talking for about 2 to 3 hours on the phone when his phone went dead and we continued on the chat...
We were happily talking for 2 days and his birthday was on the 23rd of February where I promised him I will send him 999 roses and 991 kisses :-) I did do that.. I sent him an email with 999 roses in it with 991 kissess...
Unfortunately, my Vegas guy is missing in action.. I don't know when I will see him again or if I will ever chat with him again.. but 1 thing for sure, he was my valentine for this year... it was lovely to have someone on valentines day..eventhough he was just virtual...
To the guy who stormed into my valentines day and proposed marriage...thank you for making this valentine bearable....
Oh yes, I was alone on 14th February and was online when this guy waltz into my life... it was funny how I responded to him... he sent me messages but I could not reply to him, I am not sure what was wrong with yahoo on that day and this guy was going it was my karma today that I am not chatting and etc... he really made me so curious that I actually added him to my ym and started chatting with him and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
He was decent... he was Malay hence he asked me to go to Vegas to marry him :-) We were talking about all kinds of nonsense, from food to religion to everything.. We even planned on how to go to Vegas from KL:-) Oh ya, he introduced me to Rumi's poems... he even recited them when we were on the phone... and me biasalah, fell in love with the love poems....
That day, I was chatting with him from 10pm till the next morning to 8am.. in the middle, his electricity went off and he called me and we were talking for about 2 to 3 hours on the phone when his phone went dead and we continued on the chat...
We were happily talking for 2 days and his birthday was on the 23rd of February where I promised him I will send him 999 roses and 991 kisses :-) I did do that.. I sent him an email with 999 roses in it with 991 kissess...
Unfortunately, my Vegas guy is missing in action.. I don't know when I will see him again or if I will ever chat with him again.. but 1 thing for sure, he was my valentine for this year... it was lovely to have someone on valentines day..eventhough he was just virtual...
To the guy who stormed into my valentines day and proposed marriage...thank you for making this valentine bearable....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Trust
Trusting is a big issue for me.....
I was chatting with dimple walla and I realised trusting someone is something I am not capable of doing. I don't know when I stopped trusting people or what incidents in life made me stop trusting people... is this bad? I have no answers to this...
Now I am wondering, will there ever be a time when I will actually allow someone to catch me when i drop? Will I be trusting someone that much to give my love, life and soul for the person to take care? I donno if this is ever going to happen but if it did, I will surely write about it here!
I did tell dimple walla this.. I do not know him enough for me to trust him... the issue is not about him, it is me, the issue is about me allowing people to enter into my space...
To trust or not to trust... that is the question now!!
I was chatting with dimple walla and I realised trusting someone is something I am not capable of doing. I don't know when I stopped trusting people or what incidents in life made me stop trusting people... is this bad? I have no answers to this...
Now I am wondering, will there ever be a time when I will actually allow someone to catch me when i drop? Will I be trusting someone that much to give my love, life and soul for the person to take care? I donno if this is ever going to happen but if it did, I will surely write about it here!
I did tell dimple walla this.. I do not know him enough for me to trust him... the issue is not about him, it is me, the issue is about me allowing people to enter into my space...
To trust or not to trust... that is the question now!!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Joy and Sorrow
A poem by Kahlil Gibran given to me by a friend....
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall....
Something beautiful sent to me by an offline message... I thought this is a piece that holds lots of truth in my life at this moment....
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall....
Something beautiful sent to me by an offline message... I thought this is a piece that holds lots of truth in my life at this moment....
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
8 years
It was 8 years back that I met Kutty....
I met Kutty on 8th February 2002. It was 7am and it was in Butterworth. I was so nervous, I did not have a clue how he would look like... I was waiting near a big young coconut, that was my landmark and he was on the phone trying to walk towards the car and the moment I saw him, I fell in love him....
I can see it all in my mind and at this moment as I am writing this, there is a smile on my face. Those were sweet memories. We went for a drive after dropping his colleague and her husband back on the island and we went for a drive. I could not bring myself to look at him, for the first time in my life, I was actually shy meeting someone :-)
He made me look at him and the next thing I knew he gave me his ring... we were sitting in the car and were facing out at the sea and he said this ring shall always be with you... the ring was too big, so he told me to remove my chain and he added the ring to my chain and he wore it for me... well that was sweet and romantic.....
When Kutty called, I did ask him if he remembered the day....of course without a doubt, he could not remember the date la :-) Anyway, I am happy now, happy I met him and happy I had that moment in time.... there is no regrets that I met him on that faithful day that changed my life forever.... as I always say, everything happens for a reason....
Krshna, thanks for all the memories, good and bad... I know you made them all so that I will learn to accept life the way it should be.......
I met Kutty on 8th February 2002. It was 7am and it was in Butterworth. I was so nervous, I did not have a clue how he would look like... I was waiting near a big young coconut, that was my landmark and he was on the phone trying to walk towards the car and the moment I saw him, I fell in love him....
I can see it all in my mind and at this moment as I am writing this, there is a smile on my face. Those were sweet memories. We went for a drive after dropping his colleague and her husband back on the island and we went for a drive. I could not bring myself to look at him, for the first time in my life, I was actually shy meeting someone :-)
He made me look at him and the next thing I knew he gave me his ring... we were sitting in the car and were facing out at the sea and he said this ring shall always be with you... the ring was too big, so he told me to remove my chain and he added the ring to my chain and he wore it for me... well that was sweet and romantic.....
When Kutty called, I did ask him if he remembered the day....of course without a doubt, he could not remember the date la :-) Anyway, I am happy now, happy I met him and happy I had that moment in time.... there is no regrets that I met him on that faithful day that changed my life forever.... as I always say, everything happens for a reason....
Krshna, thanks for all the memories, good and bad... I know you made them all so that I will learn to accept life the way it should be.......
Sanjaya and Miss Pinky
Sanjaya has a friend.....
Doc sent me this pic, he got a mate for Sanjaya and doc n I happily named the new addition to the family as Miss Pinky...
Can I say I love my doc for being so sweet? Well doc, love you loads... I miss our chats... and my virtual hugs ..... I am really wondering, how many men would actually take a snap of a teddy bear and send it over to me??
The other day in class, my students saw this pic and I told them the story of how doc carried Sanjaya into the hotel coolly... all the girls were impressed :-)
When I told doc about it, he said it was easier to carry a teddy bear instead a lady into the hotel... this kind of answer will only come from my doc... once again can I say I love you loads doc? :-)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Living
Who am I living this life for.....
I fell sick on Saturday, vomiting and diarrhea and was not able to do anything else but to let my mind wander, hence to the question on who am I living my life for... I sent 3 ppl the question, P, doc and dimple walla... All 3 answered I am living my life for myself... now for a person who was already down, that answer did not satisfy me but I just accepted it until dimple walla added a few more sms to this.
He asked me if I could feel life, taste life, touch life etc and I answered yes, I can feel my pain, taste my tears, touch my tears.. for which he said I am being pessimist. I was feeling like a total crap on Saturday nite and I did not want to be cheerful, I choose to be sad, I choose to be crying, I could have brushed off my feelings then but I knew I had to cry, to let it out, I can't be strong all the time, I had the whole house for myself and I just wanted to cry...
Was talking to him over the phone and I did get angry, I donno why dimple walla ticks me, but I was upset with myself for allowing myself to be angry but I am learning, learning to calm myself when I talk to dimple walla. I could raise my voice to him and he does that to me too... according to him, he says someone has to take command.. I am just letting it be, not saying anything to retaliate.. what I noticed was, from wallowing into self-pity I managed to get angry and get out from the feeling of hopelessness......
I might never find an answer to my questions... I will never know what is the purpose of my living in this planet but that does not mean I am going to stop looking for the answer. Like what doc said, put my trust on God and let Him guide me. Yes doc, that is what I am doing... as I told you, I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life or what I told dimple walla, I want my life to be witnessed by someone... I am not sure if I will ever be able to live a life without questions but I shall try to learn to look for answers not only within me but outside me too...
I shall live my life for myself...thanks P, doc and dimple walla for giving the answer....
I fell sick on Saturday, vomiting and diarrhea and was not able to do anything else but to let my mind wander, hence to the question on who am I living my life for... I sent 3 ppl the question, P, doc and dimple walla... All 3 answered I am living my life for myself... now for a person who was already down, that answer did not satisfy me but I just accepted it until dimple walla added a few more sms to this.
He asked me if I could feel life, taste life, touch life etc and I answered yes, I can feel my pain, taste my tears, touch my tears.. for which he said I am being pessimist. I was feeling like a total crap on Saturday nite and I did not want to be cheerful, I choose to be sad, I choose to be crying, I could have brushed off my feelings then but I knew I had to cry, to let it out, I can't be strong all the time, I had the whole house for myself and I just wanted to cry...
Was talking to him over the phone and I did get angry, I donno why dimple walla ticks me, but I was upset with myself for allowing myself to be angry but I am learning, learning to calm myself when I talk to dimple walla. I could raise my voice to him and he does that to me too... according to him, he says someone has to take command.. I am just letting it be, not saying anything to retaliate.. what I noticed was, from wallowing into self-pity I managed to get angry and get out from the feeling of hopelessness......
I might never find an answer to my questions... I will never know what is the purpose of my living in this planet but that does not mean I am going to stop looking for the answer. Like what doc said, put my trust on God and let Him guide me. Yes doc, that is what I am doing... as I told you, I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life or what I told dimple walla, I want my life to be witnessed by someone... I am not sure if I will ever be able to live a life without questions but I shall try to learn to look for answers not only within me but outside me too...
I shall live my life for myself...thanks P, doc and dimple walla for giving the answer....
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