My Doc

I finally met him.........

Oh gosh, I finally met doc and I heard his voice and I did say that too to him :-)

I was a nervous wreck that morning, his flight was suppose to land at the Penang airport at 8.15am and when I entered the airport, it was 8.18am...good...I was not late... I sat looking out for my doc, somehow I know the moment I see him, he is going to be my doc...

As time passed, doc was not insight and I just could not sit anymore and so I stood and went behind a pillar and I would see everyone coming out from the arrival hall...and there he was, my doc, pulling his bag and having this lovely smile on his face and I could see his eyes were searching for me.....made my heart skip once as I witnessed the look of searching for someone in the crowd...

I went right infront of him and said.."I am here doc, I am not hiding from you" ...I have no idea why I said that, I know I was looking for something nice to say to doc, it is afterall my first words to him and I wanted to say something nice but these was all I could say...

Doc was cute, he did not know wat to do at the moment, I know I have been asking for hugs from him and I did tell him in a serious note over the chat that I will give him a hug when I see him at the airport and of course knowing me, I wouldn't dare do such things...

He was cool, I was nervous...perhaps I was scared of not being accepted by him, I donno, but somehow I know I talked too much and he did not. At first I thought he was shy but I realised it is not that, Doc is someone who listens rather than talk......so he listened to my chattering....

I have only one thing to say about my doc...it was nice to meet a friend..........

3 am

I could not sleep last nite.....

Was talking to Kutty last nite when he told me he is bringing his family to the States. I know this was coming but somehow my heart still broke. I know I am being silly here, Kutty belongs to someone else and I am just me...alone in this world...

I donno what is hurting me so much.....oh Krshna, I am crying my heart out now......is it the fact that I have lost him forever? Why do I love him so much?? I have no answers to it. He said he knows I am hurt...I told him this is too late.....he made his choice not now......it was years back... I do know why I am so sad, Kutty is the only person when I am with him I am my trueself, I never hid anything from him, I say whatever I feel and I am just me when I am with him. I am not sure if I will ever find another person like that in my life......hope?

I know I will be okay.... I am going to give myself this moment to cry, later I shall dry my tears and smile as I know life has more to offer...

Krshna might have planned for me not to have anyone in my life......and now I am prepared to accept it....I do wish I know wat is going to happen though...

Guess it is better to be in love and never to have been in love at all....I know dumb theory.....I am just trying to make myself okay...self healing is the best healing process I think....

Got to tell myself to smile......I am now.......that is good.......

To be or not to be?

That's a question........

Doc asked me in chat whether if given a choice to be a man, would I accept it? My answer.....No... I told doc I like being who I am......I said I can cry and I can laugh and this is accepted by society, I told him I like my feminity.... like being who I am.....

I do believe there is no distinct difference between a man and woman besides the physical being..... emotionally/mentally I do believe we r the same.... I mean both genders get hurt, both r happy for various reasons.... I mean a broken heart hurts the same between a guy and a lady or it does not?

I donno if there is a right or wrong answer to this.....for me, after going through so much in life, I would still like to be a female......one who is strong to face the world and proud to hold her head high and walk with dignity for being born a lady....

A proposal

Someone proposed to me......

Oh god, this guy I chatted with proposed to me after chatting with me in less than 30 minutes, he made me laugh and then he made me think...... These days I am happy being me but at times I feel lonely and I do wish I have someone to share my happiness/ life with.

What the guy made me think was .... will I just accept anyone coz I am lonely and all that I want is to belong to someone? That made me think really hard and I started talking to Krshna.... I asked Krshna to think carefully on what He wants me to do as He would know how crazy I can be... I know I will be find... I also know if I do do something crazy, I will still not regret it.. I will say...everything happens for a reason! and move on with life......

To the guy who proposed to me......I did not continue chatting him.....

40 hours

Just 40 hours to go.....

My doc will be here in less than 40 hours and I am excited, nervous, butterflies fluttering inside of me!!! Why am I feeling all these? I know why, I don't want to loose doc. I am afraid after meeting him, he just goes away.......like wat email guy did to P.

Doc is a wonderful friend and I want to keep him if he wants to stay......I asked doc this question.."Do you think things will change once we have met?" Doc replied......"don't be silly".....a girl can really fall for my doc :-)

Krshna, thank you for giving my doc to me........

My Partner

He is sweet.......

My study partner is a sweet guy, why do I say so? He carries my notebook when I am with him, he opens the door to the car, he greets me with his cheerful voice...he is just a gentleman. I really thought I have met a guy who is very sweet and I could have lost my heart to him if he is not married.....

18 June was his birthday and he picked my up from my house to go out for lunch. I took the day off....was it because of him...I donno...but I was at home and I went out with him and we enjoyed our lunch...we spent 2 hours over lunch.......chatting.........catching up......well we did not meet for a month so we had lots to talk......we shared a toast :-)

Well, last weekend, I found out something about him, he is the classic guy....the one who provides and takes care of the family and he is also the kind that decides everything and the wife should just follow everything he says.......somehow, that broke my heart a bit..... but then I realised, I am not married to him, so it is okay for him to be who he is...

I guess everyone of us have two sides of our lives.......1 that we show to everyone and the other that we show to selected people......and I saw a glimpse of my partner over the weekend that he does not show to everyone!!

Just busy

Been very busy .........

Been sometime since I posted something on my blog.....What was I doing? Busy with the Recognition Nite at college and writing a paper.....Both events turned out great, the paper accepted for the conference and the Nite was a smash hit!

Talking about the Nite, I made a very sexy looking blouse and I actually wore it too...god knows what got into me to make the blouse, but I did....regrets? Nope....I justified that this might be the only time I can wear such blouse as the moment I feel I am old, I am not going to wear anything like this anymore...well, I do think I made a few heads turn on that night...my Chinese colleagues kept asking me to be natural as I was pulling my saree to cover...my anney told me to cover and the Indian colleagues admired my guts!

I have done crazy stuff and I would like to add this to the list. My happy memories perhaps??