I got a proposal on 14th February....
Oh yes, I was alone on 14th February and was online when this guy waltz into my life... it was funny how I responded to him... he sent me messages but I could not reply to him, I am not sure what was wrong with yahoo on that day and this guy was going it was my karma today that I am not chatting and etc... he really made me so curious that I actually added him to my ym and started chatting with him and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
He was decent... he was Malay hence he asked me to go to Vegas to marry him :-) We were talking about all kinds of nonsense, from food to religion to everything.. We even planned on how to go to Vegas from KL:-) Oh ya, he introduced me to Rumi's poems... he even recited them when we were on the phone... and me biasalah, fell in love with the love poems....
That day, I was chatting with him from 10pm till the next morning to 8am.. in the middle, his electricity went off and he called me and we were talking for about 2 to 3 hours on the phone when his phone went dead and we continued on the chat...
We were happily talking for 2 days and his birthday was on the 23rd of February where I promised him I will send him 999 roses and 991 kisses :-) I did do that.. I sent him an email with 999 roses in it with 991 kissess...
Unfortunately, my Vegas guy is missing in action.. I don't know when I will see him again or if I will ever chat with him again.. but 1 thing for sure, he was my valentine for this year... it was lovely to have someone on valentines day..eventhough he was just virtual...
To the guy who stormed into my valentines day and proposed marriage...thank you for making this valentine bearable....
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Trust
Trusting is a big issue for me.....
I was chatting with dimple walla and I realised trusting someone is something I am not capable of doing. I don't know when I stopped trusting people or what incidents in life made me stop trusting people... is this bad? I have no answers to this...
Now I am wondering, will there ever be a time when I will actually allow someone to catch me when i drop? Will I be trusting someone that much to give my love, life and soul for the person to take care? I donno if this is ever going to happen but if it did, I will surely write about it here!
I did tell dimple walla this.. I do not know him enough for me to trust him... the issue is not about him, it is me, the issue is about me allowing people to enter into my space...
To trust or not to trust... that is the question now!!
I was chatting with dimple walla and I realised trusting someone is something I am not capable of doing. I don't know when I stopped trusting people or what incidents in life made me stop trusting people... is this bad? I have no answers to this...
Now I am wondering, will there ever be a time when I will actually allow someone to catch me when i drop? Will I be trusting someone that much to give my love, life and soul for the person to take care? I donno if this is ever going to happen but if it did, I will surely write about it here!
I did tell dimple walla this.. I do not know him enough for me to trust him... the issue is not about him, it is me, the issue is about me allowing people to enter into my space...
To trust or not to trust... that is the question now!!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Joy and Sorrow
A poem by Kahlil Gibran given to me by a friend....
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall....
Something beautiful sent to me by an offline message... I thought this is a piece that holds lots of truth in my life at this moment....
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall....
Something beautiful sent to me by an offline message... I thought this is a piece that holds lots of truth in my life at this moment....
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
8 years
It was 8 years back that I met Kutty....
I met Kutty on 8th February 2002. It was 7am and it was in Butterworth. I was so nervous, I did not have a clue how he would look like... I was waiting near a big young coconut, that was my landmark and he was on the phone trying to walk towards the car and the moment I saw him, I fell in love him....
I can see it all in my mind and at this moment as I am writing this, there is a smile on my face. Those were sweet memories. We went for a drive after dropping his colleague and her husband back on the island and we went for a drive. I could not bring myself to look at him, for the first time in my life, I was actually shy meeting someone :-)
He made me look at him and the next thing I knew he gave me his ring... we were sitting in the car and were facing out at the sea and he said this ring shall always be with you... the ring was too big, so he told me to remove my chain and he added the ring to my chain and he wore it for me... well that was sweet and romantic.....
When Kutty called, I did ask him if he remembered the day....of course without a doubt, he could not remember the date la :-) Anyway, I am happy now, happy I met him and happy I had that moment in time.... there is no regrets that I met him on that faithful day that changed my life forever.... as I always say, everything happens for a reason....
Krshna, thanks for all the memories, good and bad... I know you made them all so that I will learn to accept life the way it should be.......
I met Kutty on 8th February 2002. It was 7am and it was in Butterworth. I was so nervous, I did not have a clue how he would look like... I was waiting near a big young coconut, that was my landmark and he was on the phone trying to walk towards the car and the moment I saw him, I fell in love him....
I can see it all in my mind and at this moment as I am writing this, there is a smile on my face. Those were sweet memories. We went for a drive after dropping his colleague and her husband back on the island and we went for a drive. I could not bring myself to look at him, for the first time in my life, I was actually shy meeting someone :-)
He made me look at him and the next thing I knew he gave me his ring... we were sitting in the car and were facing out at the sea and he said this ring shall always be with you... the ring was too big, so he told me to remove my chain and he added the ring to my chain and he wore it for me... well that was sweet and romantic.....
When Kutty called, I did ask him if he remembered the day....of course without a doubt, he could not remember the date la :-) Anyway, I am happy now, happy I met him and happy I had that moment in time.... there is no regrets that I met him on that faithful day that changed my life forever.... as I always say, everything happens for a reason....
Krshna, thanks for all the memories, good and bad... I know you made them all so that I will learn to accept life the way it should be.......
Sanjaya and Miss Pinky
Sanjaya has a friend.....
Doc sent me this pic, he got a mate for Sanjaya and doc n I happily named the new addition to the family as Miss Pinky...
Can I say I love my doc for being so sweet? Well doc, love you loads... I miss our chats... and my virtual hugs ..... I am really wondering, how many men would actually take a snap of a teddy bear and send it over to me??
The other day in class, my students saw this pic and I told them the story of how doc carried Sanjaya into the hotel coolly... all the girls were impressed :-)
When I told doc about it, he said it was easier to carry a teddy bear instead a lady into the hotel... this kind of answer will only come from my doc... once again can I say I love you loads doc? :-)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Living
Who am I living this life for.....
I fell sick on Saturday, vomiting and diarrhea and was not able to do anything else but to let my mind wander, hence to the question on who am I living my life for... I sent 3 ppl the question, P, doc and dimple walla... All 3 answered I am living my life for myself... now for a person who was already down, that answer did not satisfy me but I just accepted it until dimple walla added a few more sms to this.
He asked me if I could feel life, taste life, touch life etc and I answered yes, I can feel my pain, taste my tears, touch my tears.. for which he said I am being pessimist. I was feeling like a total crap on Saturday nite and I did not want to be cheerful, I choose to be sad, I choose to be crying, I could have brushed off my feelings then but I knew I had to cry, to let it out, I can't be strong all the time, I had the whole house for myself and I just wanted to cry...
Was talking to him over the phone and I did get angry, I donno why dimple walla ticks me, but I was upset with myself for allowing myself to be angry but I am learning, learning to calm myself when I talk to dimple walla. I could raise my voice to him and he does that to me too... according to him, he says someone has to take command.. I am just letting it be, not saying anything to retaliate.. what I noticed was, from wallowing into self-pity I managed to get angry and get out from the feeling of hopelessness......
I might never find an answer to my questions... I will never know what is the purpose of my living in this planet but that does not mean I am going to stop looking for the answer. Like what doc said, put my trust on God and let Him guide me. Yes doc, that is what I am doing... as I told you, I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life or what I told dimple walla, I want my life to be witnessed by someone... I am not sure if I will ever be able to live a life without questions but I shall try to learn to look for answers not only within me but outside me too...
I shall live my life for myself...thanks P, doc and dimple walla for giving the answer....
I fell sick on Saturday, vomiting and diarrhea and was not able to do anything else but to let my mind wander, hence to the question on who am I living my life for... I sent 3 ppl the question, P, doc and dimple walla... All 3 answered I am living my life for myself... now for a person who was already down, that answer did not satisfy me but I just accepted it until dimple walla added a few more sms to this.
He asked me if I could feel life, taste life, touch life etc and I answered yes, I can feel my pain, taste my tears, touch my tears.. for which he said I am being pessimist. I was feeling like a total crap on Saturday nite and I did not want to be cheerful, I choose to be sad, I choose to be crying, I could have brushed off my feelings then but I knew I had to cry, to let it out, I can't be strong all the time, I had the whole house for myself and I just wanted to cry...
Was talking to him over the phone and I did get angry, I donno why dimple walla ticks me, but I was upset with myself for allowing myself to be angry but I am learning, learning to calm myself when I talk to dimple walla. I could raise my voice to him and he does that to me too... according to him, he says someone has to take command.. I am just letting it be, not saying anything to retaliate.. what I noticed was, from wallowing into self-pity I managed to get angry and get out from the feeling of hopelessness......
I might never find an answer to my questions... I will never know what is the purpose of my living in this planet but that does not mean I am going to stop looking for the answer. Like what doc said, put my trust on God and let Him guide me. Yes doc, that is what I am doing... as I told you, I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life or what I told dimple walla, I want my life to be witnessed by someone... I am not sure if I will ever be able to live a life without questions but I shall try to learn to look for answers not only within me but outside me too...
I shall live my life for myself...thanks P, doc and dimple walla for giving the answer....
Friday, February 5, 2010
A mail from Dimple Walla
He wrote something beautiful in the mail...
Have you ever heard about the story called "The Parable of a Pencil"? Its a very interesting and inspirational story. Pencil was innovated by the utilization of a substance called grafite which has carbon components.
Think of a pencil where one end you have the writing part of grafite and the part of Malaysian natural resources called rubber....or there is an eraser attached to the pencil.
Many people use the pencil to write something good, something nice, somethung lovely, something erotic, something romantic, something sexy, something useful, something factful, something unique and many others. However, not many people able to erase someone's sorrowness, someone's disturbing feelings, someone's hurting feelings, someone's bad experiences, someone's unstable mind, someone's guilt feelings and many others.
There is a saying, which sounds...."if you could not write happiness on others like a pencil just be an eraser by erasing people's sorrowness".
Dimple walla is a sweet guy and this is a nice piece that he has sent me. I remember abang telling that I have a new chapter in life and the pencil is in my hands now and I can start writing beautiful memories... now I know I have Dimple walla to tell me that I can also erase memories that I do not want by using the same pencil....
Krshna, thank you for bringing all these ppl into my life... I am forever grateful for all your angels...
Have you ever heard about the story called "The Parable of a Pencil"? Its a very interesting and inspirational story. Pencil was innovated by the utilization of a substance called grafite which has carbon components.
Think of a pencil where one end you have the writing part of grafite and the part of Malaysian natural resources called rubber....or there is an eraser attached to the pencil.
Many people use the pencil to write something good, something nice, somethung lovely, something erotic, something romantic, something sexy, something useful, something factful, something unique and many others. However, not many people able to erase someone's sorrowness, someone's disturbing feelings, someone's hurting feelings, someone's bad experiences, someone's unstable mind, someone's guilt feelings and many others.
There is a saying, which sounds...."if you could not write happiness on others like a pencil just be an eraser by erasing people's sorrowness".
Dimple walla is a sweet guy and this is a nice piece that he has sent me. I remember abang telling that I have a new chapter in life and the pencil is in my hands now and I can start writing beautiful memories... now I know I have Dimple walla to tell me that I can also erase memories that I do not want by using the same pencil....
Krshna, thank you for bringing all these ppl into my life... I am forever grateful for all your angels...
Love and life
Am not going to let anyone into my life...
Monday evening, I was having dinner with P when I told her this: I am okay to have short term happiness rather than long term sadness.... This came upon the fact that just the nite before I was talking to abang when his little girl screamed athai... that really made my day and I was happy for that moment in time... I like my theory about life on this... it is okay to have happiness here and there rather than sadness all the time..
I have been in love relationship that was hurting me all the time and at this moment, I can only associate love with hurt and not happiness. I used to be in a life whereby I did not know what was happiness... I was always afraid to be happy coz each time I was happy, amma would say something and spoil my day... I remember so many occasions that I will be crying becoz of her remarks... may be that is the reason I smile alot.... just to hide the fact that I am a very sad person inside me? hmmmm.. well anyway, all is fine now...
And this grand theory of mine made me realise that I am not going to even attempt to find anyone to walk into my life and to share my life with someone else. I am going to be on my own.. I have decided not to meet anyone anymore... it is just too hard to handle a heartbreak... call me a coward but I am fine with that too...
As I was asking P today, will I ever fall in love again, she said yes, then she continued, it is now about what you want to do about it that matters and to that I replied that I will stop talking the moment I know I am falling for the guy.. am not going to allow anyone into my mind.. I do not want to play any mind games...
So conclusion... happiness in short burst is all okay for me!!
Monday evening, I was having dinner with P when I told her this: I am okay to have short term happiness rather than long term sadness.... This came upon the fact that just the nite before I was talking to abang when his little girl screamed athai... that really made my day and I was happy for that moment in time... I like my theory about life on this... it is okay to have happiness here and there rather than sadness all the time..
I have been in love relationship that was hurting me all the time and at this moment, I can only associate love with hurt and not happiness. I used to be in a life whereby I did not know what was happiness... I was always afraid to be happy coz each time I was happy, amma would say something and spoil my day... I remember so many occasions that I will be crying becoz of her remarks... may be that is the reason I smile alot.... just to hide the fact that I am a very sad person inside me? hmmmm.. well anyway, all is fine now...
And this grand theory of mine made me realise that I am not going to even attempt to find anyone to walk into my life and to share my life with someone else. I am going to be on my own.. I have decided not to meet anyone anymore... it is just too hard to handle a heartbreak... call me a coward but I am fine with that too...
As I was asking P today, will I ever fall in love again, she said yes, then she continued, it is now about what you want to do about it that matters and to that I replied that I will stop talking the moment I know I am falling for the guy.. am not going to allow anyone into my mind.. I do not want to play any mind games...
So conclusion... happiness in short burst is all okay for me!!
Songkla
I fell in love ......
Ooohhhh I love this feeling of falling in love... this time with a town.. Was in Hat Yai and Songkla for 2 days on a business trip. On the 2nd day, Thursday, we started off to Songkla after breakfast, the drive was wonderful..
I fell in love with Songkla after seeing the beaches and the lake... it was wonderful... I could feel the breeze.. I could smell the sea and I could see the sandy beach and the waves rolling into the shore and crashing on the rocks....
I did ask my boss if I can just stay here :-) It is a laid back life... people were friendly... I could hardly understand the language and that I guess was what attracted me most. It would be a challenge to live in this place, I would be working hard to understand the culture and language and their life style... I know I am running away... as I asked my abang, why do I want to run away from my current life... I know the answer, I want to begin my life all over, from scratch, learn to re-live.... unlearn everything I know and start everything new....
Now, shall I do it or not??
Ooohhhh I love this feeling of falling in love... this time with a town.. Was in Hat Yai and Songkla for 2 days on a business trip. On the 2nd day, Thursday, we started off to Songkla after breakfast, the drive was wonderful..
I fell in love with Songkla after seeing the beaches and the lake... it was wonderful... I could feel the breeze.. I could smell the sea and I could see the sandy beach and the waves rolling into the shore and crashing on the rocks....
I did ask my boss if I can just stay here :-) It is a laid back life... people were friendly... I could hardly understand the language and that I guess was what attracted me most. It would be a challenge to live in this place, I would be working hard to understand the culture and language and their life style... I know I am running away... as I asked my abang, why do I want to run away from my current life... I know the answer, I want to begin my life all over, from scratch, learn to re-live.... unlearn everything I know and start everything new....
Now, shall I do it or not??
Thursday, February 4, 2010
To be missunderstood
I am being missunderstood.......
When I was in KL for the interview, Dimple walla came over for a visit. We were talking for about 6 hours and our topic of conversations ranged from politics to religion to wearing head scarf to everything else....
I made him a cup of coffee before he left and I went on for my breakfast and left for the interview. Over in HELP, I met the guy who called me for about a million times and we had coffee together. Later met with my friend, A, and showed me to the library where I found a very nice book on psychology and I text Dimple walla about the book and said he would enjoy reading it...
On my way back, I told dimple walla that I would like to give him the book as a gift and he asked me the purpose of the gift.... and I told him I have no hidden agenda... that msg made me analyse a bit more than I should and I knew that there was something I have to clarify... so when I was chatting with him 2 days later, I did ask him what was his thoughts about me getting him a book... that was when he talked about the coffee... he said that I was seeking attention by making coffee... hmmmm, yes, that was the moment I was so disappointed with Dimple walla.
I did explain myself to him, that I just do things, for that he said ppl just don't send someone from the island to the mainland... hmmmm.... the only thing that was on my mind then was that he does not know that I have driven aunty so many times to Kuala Kedah or take Ms Liow around where ever she wants to go and I do not expect anything in return for doing whatever I do. I did not tell him about all these... he said my gesture of being nice will be taken advantage by ppl. I tried to tell him who I am, but I realised it is not possible as he has already missunderstood me not once but a couple of times now..
I am not going to justify to him why I do what I do. This is me, I just do things that I know is not against my principles or conscience mind... I might be termed as stupid or dumb for doing everything that I do but as I always say, it is okay, this is me and I like the me in me!!
I donno why I do things the way I do them... I know all that I have done in the house were never appreciated but I can't be otherwise.. I can't be turning a deaf ear when help is needed.. I do think God made some ppl like me and others not like me to balance the universe, not everyone can be Dimple walla nor everyone can be me or doc or Mrs C or anyone else for that matter...
I was hurt for a couple of days for being missunderstood... it was not the fact that I was missunderstood, it was the fact that I was missunderstood by him, I expected dimple walla to be more open minded or to have been a better judge of a character...
As I told him at the moment we were talking for 6 hours... I am a very different person now compared to a year or 2 back... I have changed so much but there are still characteristics in my life that I would not change... I like being me.... as for Dimple walla, it is okay for him to missunderstand me... it is his right to think the way he wants to... as for me, I am just being extra careful with my words when I am with him but I know that is not me.... at the end of the day, it just does not matter anymore...
I am coming to a conclusion that I am okay to be who I am and I am going to let ppl be who they are... life is to be having fun.. live and let live!!!
When I was in KL for the interview, Dimple walla came over for a visit. We were talking for about 6 hours and our topic of conversations ranged from politics to religion to wearing head scarf to everything else....
I made him a cup of coffee before he left and I went on for my breakfast and left for the interview. Over in HELP, I met the guy who called me for about a million times and we had coffee together. Later met with my friend, A, and showed me to the library where I found a very nice book on psychology and I text Dimple walla about the book and said he would enjoy reading it...
On my way back, I told dimple walla that I would like to give him the book as a gift and he asked me the purpose of the gift.... and I told him I have no hidden agenda... that msg made me analyse a bit more than I should and I knew that there was something I have to clarify... so when I was chatting with him 2 days later, I did ask him what was his thoughts about me getting him a book... that was when he talked about the coffee... he said that I was seeking attention by making coffee... hmmmm, yes, that was the moment I was so disappointed with Dimple walla.
I did explain myself to him, that I just do things, for that he said ppl just don't send someone from the island to the mainland... hmmmm.... the only thing that was on my mind then was that he does not know that I have driven aunty so many times to Kuala Kedah or take Ms Liow around where ever she wants to go and I do not expect anything in return for doing whatever I do. I did not tell him about all these... he said my gesture of being nice will be taken advantage by ppl. I tried to tell him who I am, but I realised it is not possible as he has already missunderstood me not once but a couple of times now..
I am not going to justify to him why I do what I do. This is me, I just do things that I know is not against my principles or conscience mind... I might be termed as stupid or dumb for doing everything that I do but as I always say, it is okay, this is me and I like the me in me!!
I donno why I do things the way I do them... I know all that I have done in the house were never appreciated but I can't be otherwise.. I can't be turning a deaf ear when help is needed.. I do think God made some ppl like me and others not like me to balance the universe, not everyone can be Dimple walla nor everyone can be me or doc or Mrs C or anyone else for that matter...
I was hurt for a couple of days for being missunderstood... it was not the fact that I was missunderstood, it was the fact that I was missunderstood by him, I expected dimple walla to be more open minded or to have been a better judge of a character...
As I told him at the moment we were talking for 6 hours... I am a very different person now compared to a year or 2 back... I have changed so much but there are still characteristics in my life that I would not change... I like being me.... as for Dimple walla, it is okay for him to missunderstand me... it is his right to think the way he wants to... as for me, I am just being extra careful with my words when I am with him but I know that is not me.... at the end of the day, it just does not matter anymore...
I am coming to a conclusion that I am okay to be who I am and I am going to let ppl be who they are... life is to be having fun.. live and let live!!!
Sunsets
I am falling in love with sunsets....
I always liked sunrise and sunsets but never really did fall in love with them. These past couple of weeks, I am seeing beautiful sunsets and that prompted me to make this entry...
Yesterday evening, on the way back, I saw sunrays and I told doc about it...doc as usual is the only one I share about the things I see and I thought he would like to know about my sunrays...after a while, the sun was setting and it was a big orangy ball at the horizon and slowly settling in behind the hills....it was so beautiful, I doubt my words here justify the beauty of the sun setting!!
On Tuesday, I went to Butterworth to pick Dimple walla and on the way, I had to cross a river and the sun was again was just setting across the horizon and the reflection of the beautiful colours on the river just took my breath away.... I was talking to abang when I was looking at this beautiful sight ... I was gald I was sharing about my experience with my abang at that moment...my abang is becoming very real to anney... he was listening to me so patiently and that was nice...
Looks like now I am in love both with the sun and the moon...oooohhhh I am so blessed!
I always liked sunrise and sunsets but never really did fall in love with them. These past couple of weeks, I am seeing beautiful sunsets and that prompted me to make this entry...
Yesterday evening, on the way back, I saw sunrays and I told doc about it...doc as usual is the only one I share about the things I see and I thought he would like to know about my sunrays...after a while, the sun was setting and it was a big orangy ball at the horizon and slowly settling in behind the hills....it was so beautiful, I doubt my words here justify the beauty of the sun setting!!
On Tuesday, I went to Butterworth to pick Dimple walla and on the way, I had to cross a river and the sun was again was just setting across the horizon and the reflection of the beautiful colours on the river just took my breath away.... I was talking to abang when I was looking at this beautiful sight ... I was gald I was sharing about my experience with my abang at that moment...my abang is becoming very real to anney... he was listening to me so patiently and that was nice...
Looks like now I am in love both with the sun and the moon...oooohhhh I am so blessed!
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