Good bye my Beast

I said goodbye to someone today....

My heart aches but there are no tears. I had to do it. What I started as an acquaintance turned to be a friend and moved on to be more than a friend but wasn’t there yet. I was okay to say to you I love you and I miss you and you reciprocated each time. I started to care for you....and when I knew you were not well and I couldn’t do anything or know what’s happening with you, I cried and that’s when I knew this has to stop. 

I didn’t like the feeling of being vulnerable. I couldn’t handle the unknown. We never spoke what we are. You made me special, we even gave each other a nickname. I thought I was having fun. I thought I knew clearly my boundaries. I was wrong. 

You reminded me of my ex. I was obviously kept in the dark. I was oblivious of what was happening. There were lots of uncertainties with my ex. He didn’t tell me the truth, lots of missing parts in whatever he said....you did the same. You kept me away and in the unknown. 

You honesty triggered lots of emotions that I am/was trying to bury. 

I just couldn’t handle it. 

I just didn’t know who am I in your life.

Not knowing that breaks my heart. I promised to myself never to allow anyone to ever break my heart ever again.....I am yet to fully  recover, it has been over 10 years but....

V told me to give myself a chance. KA said it’s ok to love again. I do want to give myself a chance and to love again. If only..... if only....you allow me into your life......

I’m going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss saying I love you. I’m going to miss asking  you for hugs. I’m going to miss you. 

I love you my Beast....good bye....

Stay or run?

My heart and mind had a serious chat this morning...

Not receiving my good morning reply and no chats till mid afternoon got me worried. Is something wrong with the person, is the individual not feeling ok, I was worried. Finally a reply confirming my intuition. I am not feeling well, I could not drive, am at my brother's house now...sigh. I didn't know what to do.

If only you know how I am feeling right now, I am worried and I feel helpless. I called you but you could not answer my call. I called KA and was mumbling away, she said it is so not me, what is wrong with me. I told her, I am angry, am so angry coz I am not able to talk to you, I don't want to be in this situation, she calmly told me, this is what happens when you love someone. I told her no, I am not in love, then I ended up crying talking to her.

All I want to do now is to be with you. I just want to be able to do something for you. I feel helpless...

We have not said anything about where we are in each other's life....I tell myself am just a friend but why does my heart hurt so much now?

The discussion now within me is shall I stay where I am now or shall I run...

Friesian

He is our overly excited mongrel...

Friesian was named so because of his colour, black and white like the Friesian cow. He was a lovable guy, love his kisses and jumps and licking my face! And oh ya, the guy loves to take photos!

It was the day after the election, I came home to an empty house, Romeo was not well but Friesian was missing...I was not greeted by the barks and the jumping frenzy. He was at the vet, he had food poisoning...we had to  put him to sleep.

Good bye my lovely friend. I miss you much.

Tea with TM dude

Yes, I went out with TM dude...

He asked if we could have tea on a Sunday evening, I said yes, I had nothing to do and I was bored silly at home and I was looking for entertainment. I told EB that I am meeting TM guy and he asked me to be careful..I mean seriously????

Well, anyway, TM guy started to tell his story. It was rather sad. I was sitting there and was telling myself, everyone has a story to tell. They look okay and chirpy outside but when you hear their stories, your heart just saddens.

TM guy went through a lot, it is sad but as he said, he will fight till the end. Sometimes there is no justice and it is disheartening to see someone loosing faith in God. I did not say much, just listened to him, he just wanted someone to talk to.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks, he was attending court and the night before he told me to send him positive vibes. I told him, I will do better, I will pray for him and God will be there. He messaged me in the evening, so elated that he got to meet his son, to hold him and to just spend an hour with the child was more than he could ask for. I could hear the excitement and the happiness in his voice. In the morning I asked if he had a good night, his reply was, after a long time, last night he had appetite and he ate well and he slept soundly.

I honestly don't know what is the truth but whatever it is I do hope TM dude will find his peace... 

A proud Malaysian

It was election on May 9...

A discussion that took place years back came to my memory. There were 5 of us, working together, head of schools and our routine at most evenings when almost everyone has left office is to make our favorite beverage and sit together to chill and to discuss any matters that sometimes is related to work/staff or just sometimes about anything under the sky.

One day, I opened up on a topic that I have read somewhere about how someone identifies themselves, it consisted on 3 factors and how we rank the importance was very interesting. The factors were: nationality, gender, religion. I posed this question to the group. Let me give a brief dynamics of the group, it consists of 3 guys; a Muslim Malay, a Caucasian from Melbourne, a Taoist Chinese, and 2 ladies, a  Taoist Chinese and myself, a Hindu Tamil. We were rather surprised how we identified ourselves, the 2 ladies, ranked our gender to be top, followed by our nationality and the last was our religion/race. The guys I recall did not rank their gender top. We had a lively discussion on this and we saw how our nationality became an important aspects in who we were.

Now back to present day, the nation or at least most of us decided on that faithful Wednesday, 9th of May, to be united as Malaysian...we were not Chinese or Indian or Malay, we were proud Malaysians and we showed it to the world. 

Nothing gives me more pride then to say I am a Malaysian and this is Negaraku, tanah tumpah darahku....

A conflict?

Why this conflict in me?

I have always been the person who just follows my heart in whatever I do. I don't listen much to my brains/mind when it comes to matters of emotions. I am truly level headed and solely listen to my mind/brains when it comes to studies and work and I find that my heart does not play much a role here..

Well, now to the conflict, it is whether I should stop chatting with this one human being or should I just continue on...I told myself never to be emotionally tied to anyone after my relationship ended with Kutty, my ex. At this moment, it is not really emotional dependence I have with this person, it is just that I text him and I do wait for a reply, I even went to the extent of giving him a different message tone..customized the tone, so that I would know he had answered. I am the one who text him in the morning, chat with him in the afternoon and tell him good night which is added with a hug and love you.

I don't know why I am questioning myself with my routine with him now. Why am I asking "why am I the one who is always starting the conversation". I was asking this question over the past two days, why can't he be the one who says good morning first, why can't he be the one who misses me. Why can't he be the one who says good night with a hug and a love you? Why is it me doing all the talking?

When that thought came into my mind, I stopped and asked, why am I treating him a notch higher than the rest? Why am I having this conflict between my heart and my mind? Is this what I want? Why am I being so calculative?

I am able to answer all the questions, but, I am not ready to hear my own answers...

So for now, until my brain takes control of the situation, I am letting my heart rule...

I need to have my talk with my Upperwalla...

My Upperwalla & my appa

My Upperwalla made me burst out laughing in the temple...

It was appa's prayers. Went to the Bayan Baru Shivan temple for the first time. It was spacious and airy and loved the colour. Saw an uncle from my childhood, he was surprised to see me and looked at the vilaku I was carrying, told him it is appa's prayers, his 22nd year of passing. The uncle touched my head and said bless you. It was really gentle...

When I was praying, my mind was on something else. I needed some form of affirmation, asked both appa and Upperwalla to give me a sign, red flowers means A and yellow flowers means B. I was praying hard for an answer and was honestly anticipating what flowers the priest was going to giveme....and I was stunned to receive both the red and yellow flowers!! I was in a daze on what just had happened, thus looked at the Aunty next to me, to confirm if she had received both colour flowers as well but she only received one coloured flowers. It was then dawned to me what happened and I burst out laughing. Both my appa and Upperwalla are having fun with me. I went around the temple with a big grin, telling them both how mischievous they are!

This is a first for me, not crying in the temple as I go around thinking about appa and how much I miss him...may be he didn't want me to cry anymore on that day...

Came home and I was on my own, cooked and got everything ready by mid afternoon. I prayed and KA arrived just in time. When I went to take the food offered to appa, I saw half of the garland fell just before the food. I told myself appa came and I was in a good mood. KA finished eating when Thambi came. He was surprised I could cook..hahaha...while Thambi ate, KA made herself comfy and dozed off on my sofa. When she got up we had tea and coffee and chatted, she kept me occupied.

It was late night when I went to shower and I saw a beautiful green moth. I told EB I saw a moth, he said appa has come and that was when I started crying and crying....I told EB I have never said I love you to my appa, old school parents, never showed any display of emotions. I asked EB if my appa will approve of me, be proud of me. I did not turn out like my sisters, they are married and with their family and here I am on my own and doing whatever nonsense I am doing without anyone telling me to behave..... 

I miss you appa, miss you very much...