MACB

The MACBs came into my life in 1994......he was my lecturer and HOD and later we became colleagues and good friends and now, I am part of his family..... He is like my father figure, when appa passed away, I went to Mr B and I just cried...I remember him giving me a kitchen towel! He is a very nice man...loves it when his staff ties saree....loves red....loves his currypuffs....he has terrible mood swings but nowadays he has mellowed down..

Mrs B is a very nice woman, patient...ahhhh living with Mr B is surely a challenge...the moody Englishman!! I was very happy when she introduced me to ppl as her eldest daughter recently at Abu's wedding......today she called me to ask if I am okay or not...and asked if I wanted anything from UK.....I forgot, I should have told her to get me an Englishman :-)

As I told my doc while I was at the reception, I was soooo happy to be there, I was holding this tiny baby in my arms on that day, she gave me so much joy......the angel in my life........ Kathy as I called her...doc told me to enjoy the tiny fingers, the tiny feet, the tiny person who filled my whole heart with so much love in just an hour to last me a life time......

To the Macbs, I wish the whole family well. May god bless each and everyone of them. Here's hoping and praying this friendship will last forever. I have come to see them as part of my family as well....To little Shakinah, Muhammad and Kathy...my newest addition to nephew and nieces!!

Krshna, thank you for giving me this extended family......

Mr Moon

I was feeling very very down over the Thaipusam weekend. My salesman said he is coming down for Thaipusam and he made a date to take me out to see my mr moon on monday nite. Why I tot this was going to happen was a million dollar question...somehow I know he is not coming but I donno why, I still wished and hoped that he will come n take me for my walk...

Anyway, he did not come, he did not message nor did he call....and all he did to me was to break my heart.......

Last nite, I went to P's office at about 8.30ish...and as we were driving, I saw this big orangy thing over the horizon and it was a sight to behold...

It was my Mr Moon, he was just rising and he looked spectacular.....I had to stop my car and just sat there to look at him. I called Kutty to wake him up and I told him about Mr Moon...then the only other person I could think at the moment was my doc....I have no idea why I msged doc to tell him about my Mr Moon but I know somehow doc will understand why it was so important to me...I told doc I felt so blessed...I was...God was good to me....He showed me his splendour...I trully believe there is nothing like God's creation in this world and I was/am so happy I was given that moment in time to see my Mr Moon...

I told P, this is my 442 numbers of moon in my life.....that many since I came into this world.... I always loved my Mr Moon and I always will........

Krshna, thank you........

Walks

P and I are walking up and down USM hills for a week now. Over the weekend, she went back home, so I went for the walks on my own. I still enjoyed them but I like walking with P as we laugh at lots of things...

For instance, on our second walk, we saw 2 guys having coffee...the way 1 of the guy was looking at the other guy and the fact they brought a blanket to spread it on the ground, just took my breath away for a moment. With P there, we just had a fun time laughing and wishing that someone does tat with us :-)

The first 2 days of our walk, we bumped into this guy who looked kinda cute and P said this is destiny...love waves :-)

We get ppl waving at us...most likely to P. I told her one more time anyone looks at us, I am going to smile and wave to them :-)

Yesterday, we saw this cute looking monitor lizard making his way to donno where he was going and for the first time I saw a monitor lizard climbing a tree so easily...that was a sight to behold:-)

I am thoroughly enjoying my evening walks...for an hour or so, I am sharing my life with the trees, birds, grass and everything that mother nature has created......

Why?

Why?

Why do I still love a man who betrayed me so much?

Why do I still think he loves me??

Why is this so hard??

Why am I still crying??

Why am I still hoping that everything will be alright??

Why do I feel I am all alone now??

Why am I so lost??

Why does this hurt so much??

Why?? Why?? Why??

Lost

Suddenly I am feeling lost......

I have no one in my life, no appa, no amma, no more kutty....no more anyone that I can say is mine.....do I sound selfish? I donno but why at this moment I want someone for me???

I am thinking hard, really hard, who is mine? Me and myself only.....can I say all my bears are mine? I do talk to them, so may be they are mine?

I have my mind, I have the songs in me, I have my smile, I have me.....conclusion, I only have me...sounds very lonely but at least I am not betraying myself yet.....I still like me, I have still not lost me...

God, I donno if I make any sense saying watever I am saying...I do wish I can put all wat I am feeling in words tat makes sense.......

Proud to be me

Something happened yesterday evening, besides taking a big step in life and signing the papers!

The lawyer took me to the commisioner of oath to sign more documents infront of the person and our luck there were no chinese guy and so we had to go to an Indian lady.

When we walked in, she asked me to take a sit and I did and I was quiet while she checked for the details. My lawyer sat in a corner, when she asked him whether I am close to him, I was not expecting that question from anyone, well, he replied no, I am his client. The she added, but you never accompany your clients...

Well, I just let it be, once I finished signing and she finished attesting the documents, she said that S's name is familiar and if she knows him, I said I am very sure she might not know who S is and the lawyer said the same too...I still just kept quiet.

Then when I stood up to leave, she shook my hands and told me to wait, she has something to say.... she asked me if I have someone else in my life...that seriously I did not see it coming, I just turned and looked at the lawyer and I asked him, what is this all about? The lady said she is just giving me advice, not to take this laying down, I should show the world that I am able to marry another person and live happily ever after..... and that made me so furious, I told her off.

I just told her that I am happy to be whoever I am...I told her, I am following my dreams and I am living my life and I don't need a man called husband next to me to make me happy. I just don't get it, I am getting a divorce therefore it means I have tried this marriage thingy and it did not work out, so now pls pray tell me, why should I be doing the same mistake so soon in my life??

I just told her, you need to meet more people like me to understand the meaning of life, to understand the meaning of friendship, to understand the meaning of privacy and to understand the meaning of minding your own business....well, I did not get to say the last two but I sure wish I could go back to her and say it all...all over again.

I did not ask for her for any advice and as P said, that lady does not know what all happened in each and everyone's life and the thing was, I did not confide in her nor ask for any suggestions!!!

Now I think Krshna did tat so that my mind would be diverted for a moment, I was so upset with the lady coz she said I am going to end up as a lonely lady that I for a moment forgot about the pain of signing the documents....

Guesss everything happens for a reason...........

Signing the papers

I signed the papers yesterday.

Tears flowed when I was doing it...I could not bring myself to sign the papers, I did a little prayer, asked for Krshna to guide my hands, asked Him to be there for the rest of my journey, with tat in mind, I signed the papers...the lawyer just waited, I dared not to look at him, I did not want him to see me with tears but I just could not help it.

Donno why, when I was signing, I told him, my dad would have been so disappointed to see me doing this, I donno why I thought about appa, but he was the only one who came into my mind.

The lawyer told me I will be fine, it was a good decision, it was about time I do it....I just told him, I have been thinking about this for the past 5 years, I know I have to do this but it is only now I can bring myself to do it......it was so difficult to make anyone understand what I am doing or what I am feeling except for some good friends who have been there from the beginning.

I will be okay coz I know while I am writing this, I am not crying..last nite when I spoke to him, I was crying telling him, it is all over now, I have done it and I told him I cried when I signed the papers....I just asked him if he knows how much I love him? I asked him if he knows how much of my dreams were crushed? I asked him if he knows how all my hopes were gone? I just asked him not expecting any answers from him....