He wrote something beautiful in the mail...
Have you ever heard about the story called "The Parable of a Pencil"? Its a very interesting and inspirational story. Pencil was innovated by the utilization of a substance called grafite which has carbon components.
Think of a pencil where one end you have the writing part of grafite and the part of Malaysian natural resources called rubber....or there is an eraser attached to the pencil.
Many people use the pencil to write something good, something nice, somethung lovely, something erotic, something romantic, something sexy, something useful, something factful, something unique and many others. However, not many people able to erase someone's sorrowness, someone's disturbing feelings, someone's hurting feelings, someone's bad experiences, someone's unstable mind, someone's guilt feelings and many others.
There is a saying, which sounds...."if you could not write happiness on others like a pencil just be an eraser by erasing people's sorrowness".
Dimple walla is a sweet guy and this is a nice piece that he has sent me. I remember abang telling that I have a new chapter in life and the pencil is in my hands now and I can start writing beautiful memories... now I know I have Dimple walla to tell me that I can also erase memories that I do not want by using the same pencil....
Krshna, thank you for bringing all these ppl into my life... I am forever grateful for all your angels...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Love and life
Am not going to let anyone into my life...
Monday evening, I was having dinner with P when I told her this: I am okay to have short term happiness rather than long term sadness.... This came upon the fact that just the nite before I was talking to abang when his little girl screamed athai... that really made my day and I was happy for that moment in time... I like my theory about life on this... it is okay to have happiness here and there rather than sadness all the time..
I have been in love relationship that was hurting me all the time and at this moment, I can only associate love with hurt and not happiness. I used to be in a life whereby I did not know what was happiness... I was always afraid to be happy coz each time I was happy, amma would say something and spoil my day... I remember so many occasions that I will be crying becoz of her remarks... may be that is the reason I smile alot.... just to hide the fact that I am a very sad person inside me? hmmmm.. well anyway, all is fine now...
And this grand theory of mine made me realise that I am not going to even attempt to find anyone to walk into my life and to share my life with someone else. I am going to be on my own.. I have decided not to meet anyone anymore... it is just too hard to handle a heartbreak... call me a coward but I am fine with that too...
As I was asking P today, will I ever fall in love again, she said yes, then she continued, it is now about what you want to do about it that matters and to that I replied that I will stop talking the moment I know I am falling for the guy.. am not going to allow anyone into my mind.. I do not want to play any mind games...
So conclusion... happiness in short burst is all okay for me!!
Monday evening, I was having dinner with P when I told her this: I am okay to have short term happiness rather than long term sadness.... This came upon the fact that just the nite before I was talking to abang when his little girl screamed athai... that really made my day and I was happy for that moment in time... I like my theory about life on this... it is okay to have happiness here and there rather than sadness all the time..
I have been in love relationship that was hurting me all the time and at this moment, I can only associate love with hurt and not happiness. I used to be in a life whereby I did not know what was happiness... I was always afraid to be happy coz each time I was happy, amma would say something and spoil my day... I remember so many occasions that I will be crying becoz of her remarks... may be that is the reason I smile alot.... just to hide the fact that I am a very sad person inside me? hmmmm.. well anyway, all is fine now...
And this grand theory of mine made me realise that I am not going to even attempt to find anyone to walk into my life and to share my life with someone else. I am going to be on my own.. I have decided not to meet anyone anymore... it is just too hard to handle a heartbreak... call me a coward but I am fine with that too...
As I was asking P today, will I ever fall in love again, she said yes, then she continued, it is now about what you want to do about it that matters and to that I replied that I will stop talking the moment I know I am falling for the guy.. am not going to allow anyone into my mind.. I do not want to play any mind games...
So conclusion... happiness in short burst is all okay for me!!
Songkla
I fell in love ......
Ooohhhh I love this feeling of falling in love... this time with a town.. Was in Hat Yai and Songkla for 2 days on a business trip. On the 2nd day, Thursday, we started off to Songkla after breakfast, the drive was wonderful..
I fell in love with Songkla after seeing the beaches and the lake... it was wonderful... I could feel the breeze.. I could smell the sea and I could see the sandy beach and the waves rolling into the shore and crashing on the rocks....
I did ask my boss if I can just stay here :-) It is a laid back life... people were friendly... I could hardly understand the language and that I guess was what attracted me most. It would be a challenge to live in this place, I would be working hard to understand the culture and language and their life style... I know I am running away... as I asked my abang, why do I want to run away from my current life... I know the answer, I want to begin my life all over, from scratch, learn to re-live.... unlearn everything I know and start everything new....
Now, shall I do it or not??
Ooohhhh I love this feeling of falling in love... this time with a town.. Was in Hat Yai and Songkla for 2 days on a business trip. On the 2nd day, Thursday, we started off to Songkla after breakfast, the drive was wonderful..
I fell in love with Songkla after seeing the beaches and the lake... it was wonderful... I could feel the breeze.. I could smell the sea and I could see the sandy beach and the waves rolling into the shore and crashing on the rocks....
I did ask my boss if I can just stay here :-) It is a laid back life... people were friendly... I could hardly understand the language and that I guess was what attracted me most. It would be a challenge to live in this place, I would be working hard to understand the culture and language and their life style... I know I am running away... as I asked my abang, why do I want to run away from my current life... I know the answer, I want to begin my life all over, from scratch, learn to re-live.... unlearn everything I know and start everything new....
Now, shall I do it or not??
Thursday, February 4, 2010
To be missunderstood
I am being missunderstood.......
When I was in KL for the interview, Dimple walla came over for a visit. We were talking for about 6 hours and our topic of conversations ranged from politics to religion to wearing head scarf to everything else....
I made him a cup of coffee before he left and I went on for my breakfast and left for the interview. Over in HELP, I met the guy who called me for about a million times and we had coffee together. Later met with my friend, A, and showed me to the library where I found a very nice book on psychology and I text Dimple walla about the book and said he would enjoy reading it...
On my way back, I told dimple walla that I would like to give him the book as a gift and he asked me the purpose of the gift.... and I told him I have no hidden agenda... that msg made me analyse a bit more than I should and I knew that there was something I have to clarify... so when I was chatting with him 2 days later, I did ask him what was his thoughts about me getting him a book... that was when he talked about the coffee... he said that I was seeking attention by making coffee... hmmmm, yes, that was the moment I was so disappointed with Dimple walla.
I did explain myself to him, that I just do things, for that he said ppl just don't send someone from the island to the mainland... hmmmm.... the only thing that was on my mind then was that he does not know that I have driven aunty so many times to Kuala Kedah or take Ms Liow around where ever she wants to go and I do not expect anything in return for doing whatever I do. I did not tell him about all these... he said my gesture of being nice will be taken advantage by ppl. I tried to tell him who I am, but I realised it is not possible as he has already missunderstood me not once but a couple of times now..
I am not going to justify to him why I do what I do. This is me, I just do things that I know is not against my principles or conscience mind... I might be termed as stupid or dumb for doing everything that I do but as I always say, it is okay, this is me and I like the me in me!!
I donno why I do things the way I do them... I know all that I have done in the house were never appreciated but I can't be otherwise.. I can't be turning a deaf ear when help is needed.. I do think God made some ppl like me and others not like me to balance the universe, not everyone can be Dimple walla nor everyone can be me or doc or Mrs C or anyone else for that matter...
I was hurt for a couple of days for being missunderstood... it was not the fact that I was missunderstood, it was the fact that I was missunderstood by him, I expected dimple walla to be more open minded or to have been a better judge of a character...
As I told him at the moment we were talking for 6 hours... I am a very different person now compared to a year or 2 back... I have changed so much but there are still characteristics in my life that I would not change... I like being me.... as for Dimple walla, it is okay for him to missunderstand me... it is his right to think the way he wants to... as for me, I am just being extra careful with my words when I am with him but I know that is not me.... at the end of the day, it just does not matter anymore...
I am coming to a conclusion that I am okay to be who I am and I am going to let ppl be who they are... life is to be having fun.. live and let live!!!
When I was in KL for the interview, Dimple walla came over for a visit. We were talking for about 6 hours and our topic of conversations ranged from politics to religion to wearing head scarf to everything else....
I made him a cup of coffee before he left and I went on for my breakfast and left for the interview. Over in HELP, I met the guy who called me for about a million times and we had coffee together. Later met with my friend, A, and showed me to the library where I found a very nice book on psychology and I text Dimple walla about the book and said he would enjoy reading it...
On my way back, I told dimple walla that I would like to give him the book as a gift and he asked me the purpose of the gift.... and I told him I have no hidden agenda... that msg made me analyse a bit more than I should and I knew that there was something I have to clarify... so when I was chatting with him 2 days later, I did ask him what was his thoughts about me getting him a book... that was when he talked about the coffee... he said that I was seeking attention by making coffee... hmmmm, yes, that was the moment I was so disappointed with Dimple walla.
I did explain myself to him, that I just do things, for that he said ppl just don't send someone from the island to the mainland... hmmmm.... the only thing that was on my mind then was that he does not know that I have driven aunty so many times to Kuala Kedah or take Ms Liow around where ever she wants to go and I do not expect anything in return for doing whatever I do. I did not tell him about all these... he said my gesture of being nice will be taken advantage by ppl. I tried to tell him who I am, but I realised it is not possible as he has already missunderstood me not once but a couple of times now..
I am not going to justify to him why I do what I do. This is me, I just do things that I know is not against my principles or conscience mind... I might be termed as stupid or dumb for doing everything that I do but as I always say, it is okay, this is me and I like the me in me!!
I donno why I do things the way I do them... I know all that I have done in the house were never appreciated but I can't be otherwise.. I can't be turning a deaf ear when help is needed.. I do think God made some ppl like me and others not like me to balance the universe, not everyone can be Dimple walla nor everyone can be me or doc or Mrs C or anyone else for that matter...
I was hurt for a couple of days for being missunderstood... it was not the fact that I was missunderstood, it was the fact that I was missunderstood by him, I expected dimple walla to be more open minded or to have been a better judge of a character...
As I told him at the moment we were talking for 6 hours... I am a very different person now compared to a year or 2 back... I have changed so much but there are still characteristics in my life that I would not change... I like being me.... as for Dimple walla, it is okay for him to missunderstand me... it is his right to think the way he wants to... as for me, I am just being extra careful with my words when I am with him but I know that is not me.... at the end of the day, it just does not matter anymore...
I am coming to a conclusion that I am okay to be who I am and I am going to let ppl be who they are... life is to be having fun.. live and let live!!!
Sunsets
I am falling in love with sunsets....
I always liked sunrise and sunsets but never really did fall in love with them. These past couple of weeks, I am seeing beautiful sunsets and that prompted me to make this entry...
Yesterday evening, on the way back, I saw sunrays and I told doc about it...doc as usual is the only one I share about the things I see and I thought he would like to know about my sunrays...after a while, the sun was setting and it was a big orangy ball at the horizon and slowly settling in behind the hills....it was so beautiful, I doubt my words here justify the beauty of the sun setting!!
On Tuesday, I went to Butterworth to pick Dimple walla and on the way, I had to cross a river and the sun was again was just setting across the horizon and the reflection of the beautiful colours on the river just took my breath away.... I was talking to abang when I was looking at this beautiful sight ... I was gald I was sharing about my experience with my abang at that moment...my abang is becoming very real to anney... he was listening to me so patiently and that was nice...
Looks like now I am in love both with the sun and the moon...oooohhhh I am so blessed!
I always liked sunrise and sunsets but never really did fall in love with them. These past couple of weeks, I am seeing beautiful sunsets and that prompted me to make this entry...
Yesterday evening, on the way back, I saw sunrays and I told doc about it...doc as usual is the only one I share about the things I see and I thought he would like to know about my sunrays...after a while, the sun was setting and it was a big orangy ball at the horizon and slowly settling in behind the hills....it was so beautiful, I doubt my words here justify the beauty of the sun setting!!
On Tuesday, I went to Butterworth to pick Dimple walla and on the way, I had to cross a river and the sun was again was just setting across the horizon and the reflection of the beautiful colours on the river just took my breath away.... I was talking to abang when I was looking at this beautiful sight ... I was gald I was sharing about my experience with my abang at that moment...my abang is becoming very real to anney... he was listening to me so patiently and that was nice...
Looks like now I am in love both with the sun and the moon...oooohhhh I am so blessed!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Tuesday, 19th Jan
Two things happened today....
Dimple walla is coming to town and he has time to meet in the evening ...he was here at 7pm and from the moment I picked him my dimple walla was joking away. He is a fun person to be with. We went to Pelita for a drink and he had his roti canai....I volunteered to drop him at his mom's place in Tanjung Tokong. We were chatting and discussing and it was surprising to know that my dimple walla is against gay marriages. It was interesting to know his reason...his eyes lights up when he talks about motherhood....I donno why that is so important to him but somehow it is....
Well tea time went to be dinner time and we had our dinner in Pelita too...I am not sure how many hours we were there but it was rather long...after dinner we went driving and ended up at the beach in Batu Feringhi and that was when I fell in love...nope, not with my dimple walla but with the sea!! It was such a windy night, the waves were strong, the sky was clear and the stars were twinkling and of course the company was great. We sat there looking at the nite, cruise ships looked tiny boats with lights decorating them which can be seen at the horizon, the light house in Mukah Head was shinning brightly.....dimple walla was humming a song...
It was lovely, sitting there and having a conversation.....we talked nothing but we talked something ... am I making sense? It is okay, I realised it is not a crime to be senseless at times...
I dropped my dimple walla after midnite in Sunway Carnival, he was meeting his brother there...I do wish I could have given him a hug before he left...that would have ended my evening perfectly....oh no regrets at all.....
My 2nd event was a big surprise...I was offered a job in KL, in HELP. I called HELP to check on something regarding work and as I was talking to the guy, he offered me a job, to work under him, I thought he was joking but he was not, he insisted on my resume and was asking about me and everything...he even suggested where I can stay and when I can start work for him...I have not even accepted to think about this and he had started to work out the details :-)
Well, I did send in my resume, as per my conclusion about life yesterday, I do want to have a change, am not afraid of loosing, so what if I fail, I shall be able to pick myself up and move on, it will be okay, I will have new challenges and life would be fun...these were my thoughts yesterday evening as I was talking to the guy over the phone... this morning as I was showering, I thought I should call this guy before going to work but he called me as I was coming out from the shower...I was still in a towel when he asked me if I am accepting his offer!! Ya ya..he did not ask for my hands but then again, it is nice that someone thinks I am an asset to them...he asked about mom and dad and when I said I don't have them anymore, he felt bad but he said, good, you don't have to worry about anything then, you can just come over....sigh (a good sigh).... He called me again when I was at work and said he is forwarding my resume to HR and he might need me to come in for an interview soon.....hmmmm....things are happening to fast but this is the only way I like it....
Am I going to take it up? Yeah, deep in me says do it......I want to be away from everyone, start new.......life would be living :-)
As for my dimple walla, I do hope I get to see him again today for lunch or tea before he goes back but he has a tight schedule...when he got down from the car last nite, he said he will be back in February and he added that if I am moving to KL, he can see me there too.....
Dimple walla is coming to town and he has time to meet in the evening ...he was here at 7pm and from the moment I picked him my dimple walla was joking away. He is a fun person to be with. We went to Pelita for a drink and he had his roti canai....I volunteered to drop him at his mom's place in Tanjung Tokong. We were chatting and discussing and it was surprising to know that my dimple walla is against gay marriages. It was interesting to know his reason...his eyes lights up when he talks about motherhood....I donno why that is so important to him but somehow it is....
Well tea time went to be dinner time and we had our dinner in Pelita too...I am not sure how many hours we were there but it was rather long...after dinner we went driving and ended up at the beach in Batu Feringhi and that was when I fell in love...nope, not with my dimple walla but with the sea!! It was such a windy night, the waves were strong, the sky was clear and the stars were twinkling and of course the company was great. We sat there looking at the nite, cruise ships looked tiny boats with lights decorating them which can be seen at the horizon, the light house in Mukah Head was shinning brightly.....dimple walla was humming a song...
It was lovely, sitting there and having a conversation.....we talked nothing but we talked something ... am I making sense? It is okay, I realised it is not a crime to be senseless at times...
I dropped my dimple walla after midnite in Sunway Carnival, he was meeting his brother there...I do wish I could have given him a hug before he left...that would have ended my evening perfectly....oh no regrets at all.....
My 2nd event was a big surprise...I was offered a job in KL, in HELP. I called HELP to check on something regarding work and as I was talking to the guy, he offered me a job, to work under him, I thought he was joking but he was not, he insisted on my resume and was asking about me and everything...he even suggested where I can stay and when I can start work for him...I have not even accepted to think about this and he had started to work out the details :-)
Well, I did send in my resume, as per my conclusion about life yesterday, I do want to have a change, am not afraid of loosing, so what if I fail, I shall be able to pick myself up and move on, it will be okay, I will have new challenges and life would be fun...these were my thoughts yesterday evening as I was talking to the guy over the phone... this morning as I was showering, I thought I should call this guy before going to work but he called me as I was coming out from the shower...I was still in a towel when he asked me if I am accepting his offer!! Ya ya..he did not ask for my hands but then again, it is nice that someone thinks I am an asset to them...he asked about mom and dad and when I said I don't have them anymore, he felt bad but he said, good, you don't have to worry about anything then, you can just come over....sigh (a good sigh).... He called me again when I was at work and said he is forwarding my resume to HR and he might need me to come in for an interview soon.....hmmmm....things are happening to fast but this is the only way I like it....
Am I going to take it up? Yeah, deep in me says do it......I want to be away from everyone, start new.......life would be living :-)
As for my dimple walla, I do hope I get to see him again today for lunch or tea before he goes back but he has a tight schedule...when he got down from the car last nite, he said he will be back in February and he added that if I am moving to KL, he can see me there too.....
What is life?
Few events changed my views....
Young boys drowning in a boating incident...a young 19 yr old nephew of Ms L diagnosed with Lymphomo and a movie titled 3 idiots....made me look deep inside me and made me realise I have to live my life the way I want to and not they way everyone wants me to...
I have always argued about this in my mind, part of me wants to break free from the rules of the family and society but part of me wants to preserve all that as I was told this is the only right way to be...am I blaming my family? Am I blaming society? Nope...I am blaming myself for not being able to analyse who I am and for just wanting to be who I was expected to be...which is something I am not okay to be....
P said it is a sign from God after watching the movie as I told her before the movie I have decided to do all that I want to do and not let my shyness or my inferiority complex get into the way... while watching the movie, the message was just too close to the heart, it was a assurance of what I was thinking and I was surprised a Hindi movie could do that to me...
End of the day.....my conclusion....live this life the way it is meant to be lived...full of happiness and nothing else!
Young boys drowning in a boating incident...a young 19 yr old nephew of Ms L diagnosed with Lymphomo and a movie titled 3 idiots....made me look deep inside me and made me realise I have to live my life the way I want to and not they way everyone wants me to...
I have always argued about this in my mind, part of me wants to break free from the rules of the family and society but part of me wants to preserve all that as I was told this is the only right way to be...am I blaming my family? Am I blaming society? Nope...I am blaming myself for not being able to analyse who I am and for just wanting to be who I was expected to be...which is something I am not okay to be....
P said it is a sign from God after watching the movie as I told her before the movie I have decided to do all that I want to do and not let my shyness or my inferiority complex get into the way... while watching the movie, the message was just too close to the heart, it was a assurance of what I was thinking and I was surprised a Hindi movie could do that to me...
End of the day.....my conclusion....live this life the way it is meant to be lived...full of happiness and nothing else!
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