I knew I lost something last Monday....
7 days ago I did something...no regrets but I was just sad....very sad....I sold off my thalli....I knew I had to do it and I just did it, it was not easy, I was not strong but I knew it has to be done..when the person, B, asked if I am okay, I looked at him and said that I am doing this, do you think I am okay... I guess the guy knew me since I was a baby girl...I remember going to Market St and my parents will leave me at the shop and I will be sleeping on their bed...that's how close my family was/still is with these people... B told me that life has its ups and downs and I will be okay...when I handed the chain to him, a couple of tears dropped..
P was with me and I know she was talking to me trying to make me feel better...but I felt a total emptiness in me...I could feel something missing...a void...it was so physical as well...I could actually feel it in my heart...never did I experience this kind of feelings before...was I thinking of Kutty? nope, it was not about him....I know what it was all about....it was about loosing faith...it was about loosing what I believed in....I know I was going through all these earlier but it was the last identity of marriage that I discarded away and yes I felt the lost.....
A couple of weeks earlier, I cleaned my room and I threw away a photo of Kutty and I that I have had since the day I met him and it was always on my bed....when I was doing that, I cried a bit but it was not as big an impact as parting with my thalli...funny isn't it...I have already said my good-bye to Kutty but when it was time to separate myself and the thalli, it was still hurtful...
I told my doc, he said I will be fine...he said 'this is why I asked you if you are ready"....he knew I am not strong yet to do this but doc, no matter when I do this, i will still be hurt...P told me that we will have to look forward and hope for a better beginning.....Ms L told me it is okay....I will be fine.......my partner said good...you have finally taken the final step...he was happy for me.....
I did not feel like writing this much earlier....but today.....am okay......no tears as I am writing this....I donno what is happening with my life today or what is going to happen tomorrow... am I confused? am I denying the truth? am I not me?... answers to these are coming...slowly but surely coz I know I am in good hands...my angels and my Krshna
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Classified
I met a guy on chat whom I am calling classified....
Someone popped up on Friday nite and we were chatting, he is Malaysian and he was decent...what was cute about this guy is that when I asked if he has a name to address him, he said it is classified and within half an hour he told me his name without me asking for it :-)
Then he was going on and on that he does not want to tell me what he is doing coz ppl will be judgmental and all that nonsense and the 2nd time we chated, he told me his profession...I seriously burst out laughing at him. Till now he has not asked what I do nor did I tell him what I am doing.
My classified is cute, he wants to keep most info about himself private but somehow he blurts them out.....now I know what he does, how many rooms he has in his condo, what floor he is on and the fact that he has a half garden in his cond0 (what that means I have no idea), he drives a BMW 5 series and his best friend is his brother in law...... all these info within 2 chats :-)
For this guy who is so classified is now officially unclassified........an open case :-)
Someone popped up on Friday nite and we were chatting, he is Malaysian and he was decent...what was cute about this guy is that when I asked if he has a name to address him, he said it is classified and within half an hour he told me his name without me asking for it :-)
Then he was going on and on that he does not want to tell me what he is doing coz ppl will be judgmental and all that nonsense and the 2nd time we chated, he told me his profession...I seriously burst out laughing at him. Till now he has not asked what I do nor did I tell him what I am doing.
My classified is cute, he wants to keep most info about himself private but somehow he blurts them out.....now I know what he does, how many rooms he has in his condo, what floor he is on and the fact that he has a half garden in his cond0 (what that means I have no idea), he drives a BMW 5 series and his best friend is his brother in law...... all these info within 2 chats :-)
For this guy who is so classified is now officially unclassified........an open case :-)
Poem
I like this poem.....
Stop all the clocks
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West
my working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put away every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods
for nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
I like the part where it says: he was my north, my south, my east and west...my working week and my sunday rest.... how nice to have someone who is the air you breath and the reason for your living.......
Stop all the clocks
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West
my working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put away every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods
for nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H.Auden
I like the part where it says: he was my north, my south, my east and west...my working week and my sunday rest.... how nice to have someone who is the air you breath and the reason for your living.......
Taking ownership
My partner asked me to take ownership of him....
Went to class on Saturday and it was good...statistics...something I could actually understand. During break, 1 of my coursemate wanted to go to BJC to buy AMOS and asked me to follow him. I took my handbag and I told my partner that I am going and he nodded.
My coursemate and I went all over BJC but we could not get the CD and we came back. My coursemate's wife was sitting with my partner and when I came in she moved away. That's when I told her it is okay, I don't claim ownership over him....my partner looked up at me and in a serious tone asked..."don't you want to take ownership of me?"
I was taken aback...did not know how to respond to him...I got scared...I know I like him and I used to say so much about him to P...I like the way he opens the door for me, carry my bag, decides for me, plans my finances for me.....bottomline, I just like him...I know why I am scared...I do want to belong to someone and here's someone suggesting to me (I donno if he meant it jokingly though) that he wants to belong to me....
Life.....
Went to class on Saturday and it was good...statistics...something I could actually understand. During break, 1 of my coursemate wanted to go to BJC to buy AMOS and asked me to follow him. I took my handbag and I told my partner that I am going and he nodded.
My coursemate and I went all over BJC but we could not get the CD and we came back. My coursemate's wife was sitting with my partner and when I came in she moved away. That's when I told her it is okay, I don't claim ownership over him....my partner looked up at me and in a serious tone asked..."don't you want to take ownership of me?"
I was taken aback...did not know how to respond to him...I got scared...I know I like him and I used to say so much about him to P...I like the way he opens the door for me, carry my bag, decides for me, plans my finances for me.....bottomline, I just like him...I know why I am scared...I do want to belong to someone and here's someone suggesting to me (I donno if he meant it jokingly though) that he wants to belong to me....
Life.....
Monday, September 28, 2009
Trip back home
Thursday came too soon...
I was having a good time in KL...actually I do think this is the first time I went out so much when I was in KL. On Wednesday morning, I walked in Bukit Jalil park with my nephew, N, and we both enjoyed the walk and talk..you learn alot from a teenager....
Thursday, abang decided we make our trip back to Penang at 3pm and we were to meet in KL Sentral...we were both there on time and it was just the 2 of us on our way back..I had more bags on my way back...
I do think I talked alot, from the moment I got into the car I was talking till we arrived in Penang at about 7.30pm. We made 1 stop at Burger King and I had my burger, it was good...we were sitting on top of the highway, it was cool looking at the cars going below and as usual I was so happy to explore something new.....
I told my abang that I am going to write about this in my blog when he asked if I write names...I said no...everyone's identity is kept anonymous... mine including....
We had a good conversation, we talked about so many things.....at 1 point he wanted to get coffee but we missed the exit as we were busy talking and when I pointed out the following exit, he said my conversations is keeping him awake :-) a true anney speaking....
He was amazed with my point of view on religion and faith and spiritualism....then my anney came to conclusion why I don't belong to any of the Indian groups in college...and he said I am better off with him or L or S of which I agree whole heartedly....
My anney's driving was good....he drove well and I told him so too...I am starting to think he drives like a nut when in city but on a highway he is more careful..the trip home was good..the sky was clear...traffic was good and we reached Penang in 4 hours...
I was having a good time in KL...actually I do think this is the first time I went out so much when I was in KL. On Wednesday morning, I walked in Bukit Jalil park with my nephew, N, and we both enjoyed the walk and talk..you learn alot from a teenager....
Thursday, abang decided we make our trip back to Penang at 3pm and we were to meet in KL Sentral...we were both there on time and it was just the 2 of us on our way back..I had more bags on my way back...
I do think I talked alot, from the moment I got into the car I was talking till we arrived in Penang at about 7.30pm. We made 1 stop at Burger King and I had my burger, it was good...we were sitting on top of the highway, it was cool looking at the cars going below and as usual I was so happy to explore something new.....
I told my abang that I am going to write about this in my blog when he asked if I write names...I said no...everyone's identity is kept anonymous... mine including....
We had a good conversation, we talked about so many things.....at 1 point he wanted to get coffee but we missed the exit as we were busy talking and when I pointed out the following exit, he said my conversations is keeping him awake :-) a true anney speaking....
He was amazed with my point of view on religion and faith and spiritualism....then my anney came to conclusion why I don't belong to any of the Indian groups in college...and he said I am better off with him or L or S of which I agree whole heartedly....
My anney's driving was good....he drove well and I told him so too...I am starting to think he drives like a nut when in city but on a highway he is more careful..the trip home was good..the sky was clear...traffic was good and we reached Penang in 4 hours...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Manju
I met Manju on Wednesday.....
Manju, my ex-colleague, a good friend.....who understands what I am going through as she went through the same thing as well......
The moment I saw her, I knew something is happening in her life as well......yeap...she is happy.....smiling from her heart.....she put on a bit of weight and she looks great....
We went for Old Town Cafe and we just had coffee and we were chatting for hours, catching up with stories, laughing, crying, rejoicing life... I told Manju " kalyana panni enna sadicthum, kalyana pannema enna sadikele?" I think I should phrase this in English which loosely means .."what did we achieve being married..and what are we not acheiving being single?" for that Manju agreed "well said Jay"... and we toasted for that...
When she dropped me back, we made a promise to be happy with our lives and watever happened in the past should be kept in the past and that we are moving forward now.....a promise I do not intend to break....
Manju, my ex-colleague, a good friend.....who understands what I am going through as she went through the same thing as well......
The moment I saw her, I knew something is happening in her life as well......yeap...she is happy.....smiling from her heart.....she put on a bit of weight and she looks great....
We went for Old Town Cafe and we just had coffee and we were chatting for hours, catching up with stories, laughing, crying, rejoicing life... I told Manju " kalyana panni enna sadicthum, kalyana pannema enna sadikele?" I think I should phrase this in English which loosely means .."what did we achieve being married..and what are we not acheiving being single?" for that Manju agreed "well said Jay"... and we toasted for that...
When she dropped me back, we made a promise to be happy with our lives and watever happened in the past should be kept in the past and that we are moving forward now.....a promise I do not intend to break....
Orange saree
Got myself an orange saree....
I had no intention to buy anything for this Diwali but ended up buying 1 orange saree, 1 salwar kameez and 2 tops and they r all of mixed colours...the salwar is off-white, 1 top is sea blue and the other is navy blue....I am going to have a colourful wardrobe.. :-)
Love the saree shop, they have a wide range of sarees and I trully like the saree collection there compared to the ones in Penang...
I made fruit cake and sheppard pie on Tuesday as we were receiving guests.. I did tell akka that it feels like her house is the one celebrating raya as we had a number of people visiting her..
I can't wait to tie my orange saree...oh ya, I made a sexy bouse as well... let me see if I can take a snap of my back and put it up here....
I had no intention to buy anything for this Diwali but ended up buying 1 orange saree, 1 salwar kameez and 2 tops and they r all of mixed colours...the salwar is off-white, 1 top is sea blue and the other is navy blue....I am going to have a colourful wardrobe.. :-)
Love the saree shop, they have a wide range of sarees and I trully like the saree collection there compared to the ones in Penang...
I made fruit cake and sheppard pie on Tuesday as we were receiving guests.. I did tell akka that it feels like her house is the one celebrating raya as we had a number of people visiting her..
I can't wait to tie my orange saree...oh ya, I made a sexy bouse as well... let me see if I can take a snap of my back and put it up here....
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