This is me...

A song that made me cry....

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me*

Many times in life I have questioned my existence, I fall and I rise back again and I tell myself to accept me. It is hard when you can't love yourself, I had to learn to love myself... I learned to love my curves, I learned to love my smile, I learned to love my skin colour...I learned and I am learning still.

Listening to this song reminded me that I am not alone, there are others fighting their own demons and battles. 

I feel blessed with the realization that I love my Upperwalla unconditionally. I love Him. 

*Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

Singer: Keala Settle

July 28 once again

It was the year 2002, a Monday morning, when I legally married him...

It's been 16 years and I am still questioning myself for the choices I made in life. He was the one I truly loved, he understood me, he knew my vulnerability, he knew my desperation, he knew how much I loved him.

I don't know where and how he is today, I tried to reach out to him, but I am not getting any response. I do wish him well, I am happy for him, we made our choices, am still crying but I do hope he is happy with his chosen life.

I am so broken inside me, I have patched up lots of hurt and pieces of my heart, there are still cracks and I realised some parts are not fixable but I am surviving. My Upperwalla has blessed me in many other forms, I am grateful. Perhaps I am being selfish for wanting more, wanting it all.

I need to refocus my life. The new job opportunity is a good diversion. I am looking forward to my own place, a new beginning, meeting new people. That's something to look forward.

I am questioning myself if this is the right move to make. I am safe and comfortable at my present place, what will the future be? No one can answer this. I have been asking my Upperwalla to guide me in the right direction. My only trust is in Him..

How am I going to go through this 28th? 

My plan, go to work, after work swim, after swim, sleep till the next day....don't think much, it is just another day....

Moving On

I was in KL over the weekend...

It was akka's 60th birthday and she had prayers at home. I survived the morning though I was a bit sad with what my sister did but I told myself that is expected.

Lucky for me K-A was there, we had fun going window shopping for lights and fans. I am not sure how many shops we went but it really lots and lots of lights we saw. We managed to watch a movie, but through out the movie there was something in my mind.

Earlier, as KA was driving, I called my friend who had said he was not well and etc hence I wanted to visit him. He didn't answer my call but texted back saying he was in Singapore attending a meeting. I wished him well and just said my bye. I looked at KA, I didn't cry, but just told her that's the reason I told myself not to be attached to anyone. It was a betrayal, telling me he was so sick but yet he was able to travel. I was disappointed, he could have just told me he is well.

All these are just reminders in life, just trust yourself, no one else.

So what now, well, ! move on, as I have always done. Life goes on and it should go on happily for everyone.

Little things...

Little things that make you happy and sad...

I am just happy this morning for changing my phone cover, it is chilli red and I am just happy. The sun is shinning brightly on my face and I am happy. I have artificial red roses with tiny green leaves on a white vase at the window sill and I am happy. I am happy, I am reminding myself that little things make me happy coz the truth is I am sad.

Why the sadness my dear girl?

Sad coz I have become insignificant in many's lives. I am not part of their joy. I am only part of people's life when they need help, I am there to share their pain and sorrows but not their joy. I am not sure how to feel about this actually....a doormat? 

I will be ok. I have to make decisions. 

I will have my good days and bad days. I will survive. I won't dig into my past to find the answers, it is not necessary. I will focus what I can do for myself.

Be brave my fragile heart. We will be ok. We shall live on happily.

Good bye my Beast

I said goodbye to someone today....

My heart aches but there are no tears. I had to do it. What I started as an acquaintance turned to be a friend and moved on to be more than a friend but wasn’t there yet. I was okay to say to you I love you and I miss you and you reciprocated each time. I started to care for you....and when I knew you were not well and I couldn’t do anything or know what’s happening with you, I cried and that’s when I knew this has to stop. 

I didn’t like the feeling of being vulnerable. I couldn’t handle the unknown. We never spoke what we are. You made me special, we even gave each other a nickname. I thought I was having fun. I thought I knew clearly my boundaries. I was wrong. 

You reminded me of my ex. I was obviously kept in the dark. I was oblivious of what was happening. There were lots of uncertainties with my ex. He didn’t tell me the truth, lots of missing parts in whatever he said....you did the same. You kept me away and in the unknown. 

You honesty triggered lots of emotions that I am/was trying to bury. 

I just couldn’t handle it. 

I just didn’t know who am I in your life.

Not knowing that breaks my heart. I promised to myself never to allow anyone to ever break my heart ever again.....I am yet to fully  recover, it has been over 10 years but....

V told me to give myself a chance. KA said it’s ok to love again. I do want to give myself a chance and to love again. If only..... if only....you allow me into your life......

I’m going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss saying I love you. I’m going to miss asking  you for hugs. I’m going to miss you. 

I love you my Beast....good bye....

Stay or run?

My heart and mind had a serious chat this morning...

Not receiving my good morning reply and no chats till mid afternoon got me worried. Is something wrong with the person, is the individual not feeling ok, I was worried. Finally a reply confirming my intuition. I am not feeling well, I could not drive, am at my brother's house now...sigh. I didn't know what to do.

If only you know how I am feeling right now, I am worried and I feel helpless. I called you but you could not answer my call. I called KA and was mumbling away, she said it is so not me, what is wrong with me. I told her, I am angry, am so angry coz I am not able to talk to you, I don't want to be in this situation, she calmly told me, this is what happens when you love someone. I told her no, I am not in love, then I ended up crying talking to her.

All I want to do now is to be with you. I just want to be able to do something for you. I feel helpless...

We have not said anything about where we are in each other's life....I tell myself am just a friend but why does my heart hurt so much now?

The discussion now within me is shall I stay where I am now or shall I run...

Friesian

He is our overly excited mongrel...

Friesian was named so because of his colour, black and white like the Friesian cow. He was a lovable guy, love his kisses and jumps and licking my face! And oh ya, the guy loves to take photos!

It was the day after the election, I came home to an empty house, Romeo was not well but Friesian was missing...I was not greeted by the barks and the jumping frenzy. He was at the vet, he had food poisoning...we had to  put him to sleep.

Good bye my lovely friend. I miss you much.