A K

A K is someone I have been chatting recently...

My dimple walla/starbucks introduced me to the dating site sometime back and I have been on the site once in a while. I think A K was chatting with me for over 6 months. He was different. Never asked for my number or never suggested to meet even though he was only from SP.

I took my own sweet time to get to know him and only a couple of months back we exchanged phone number and we were chatting via whatsapp. He was ok, nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, about a couple of weeks ago, we started to call each other and I used to talk to him in English and he will converse in Tamil. He kept asking me to speak in Tamil and I told him I will once I am comfortable with him.

The thing is, last week, I was in a very low moment in life, figuring out what I want in this world and feeling all lonely and suggested to him to meet for coffee. He agreed. I was surprised. I didn't think he would want to meet me.

A K is the total opposite of me. He speaks only Tamil, does not flirt, does not understand what I say, does not read between the lines, he does not initiate the conversation but something in him is interesting. When it was time to go home, he asked me if I am ok to see him again. I said yes, do tell if you are free on a weekend, and I am free we shall meet. He looked at me and said, just answer my question, I said yes, if our weekends are free, we shall meet for lunch and I went on to explain to him. He stopped me and asked again the same question and said just give me a yes or no answer. For once, I was taken aback. This guy is not who is saying he is. I looked at him and said yes, and our evening ended with a handshake!

Last week he found out he will be going to Mentakab for 5 months. I don't know why, I was sad. I liked chatting with this guy, I look forward to his call. He tells me about his work, his mom, his sister, just everyday stuff and nothing serious but I caught myself missing his calls for the past 2 days. It hit me, I have let someone into my life, that is something I am not willing to do... no attachment. I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to feel.

The thing that surprised me most was, A K is not my kind of a guy.....life is funny...To A K who left a brief footprint in my life, thank you. You made me realize that I am not as strong as I want to be, I have to build a stronger wall to protect my heart from being hurt. I don't want to feel love, it is not meant for me...

A wake up call

My youngest niece received her doctorate recently...

My youngest niece, K, was doing her Master's degree and it was upgraded to a Doctorate. When she told me, I was really very happy for her. I knew my brother would have been so proud of his little girl, he left them too soon, she was only 10 when he moved on.

Well, K told me only a day before her convocation that she got her PhD. She didn't invite me for her convocation and I didn't say anything about it. But when I found out she has invited others and left me out, I felt the hurt. This is the girl who chats with me everyday, who asks me all kinds of things, she knows I will always have her back but she thought I was not important enough to share her happiness.

My elder sister was around the weekend of the convocation. She was equally hurt, she was going on and on why all the secrets. I told her to let it go. My brother in law saw how affected the two of us were and he reminded us we did whatever we can for our brother's daughters.

Something inside me changed. I felt free...I love them but it is not the same. I questioned myself, why do they hate me or why is it it is okay for them to hurt my feelings, am I that bad a person? I wanted an answer but it dawned to me, I don't need an answer, I don't need to question myself. This is my life, no one should be able to affect me if I don't allow them.

I was advised by some good friends to rethink my relationship with my family.

That week I was a mess, 14th November was appa's birthday. I woke up in the morning missing him. My first thought was I don't have a father, I don't have a mother, I don't have a spouse, I don't have kids and I don't even have Romeo! I have no one in this life....and I started to cry and cry and cry the whole day. It was too much to handle...

But a 4am conversation I had with my dear Han on Sunday morning, changed my perspective. How I see life is how it is going to make or kill my life. Han was talking about her niece going through cancer treatment and that was a kick for me. Here I am feeling sorry for myself when I am perfectly fine whereas her niece has 3 young kids and she is fighting a life altering moment.

I changed. A good change.

My tattoo journey

I just added a new tattoo....

My tattoo journey started in 2009 with a coloured tattoo of a single rose and butterfly. I continued to add on a phoenix on my calf, a peacock feather, roses and butterflies, a Maori inspired tattoo after my trip from New Zealand and Nike...the Goddess of Victory.

I did a new tattoo yesterday.....my Krishna....He is so close to my heart now and I just love it!!! I was not thinking of adding a new tattoo, it just happened. I saw an image of Krishna and I just knew that was the one. Someone actually made a remark that I am wild and for a moment I was upset and wanted to explain I am not but I stopped. I stopped to explain who I am and what my tattoos mean to me. It is my life, I don't owe an explanation to anyone what I am doing to myself...

There is more to my life then my tattoos.

I have no answer to myself nor to anyone why I love to ink myself, it is just something I like, it is just like I love to read, I love to chat....why no one ask me why so? By having another tattoo, my Krishna tattoo does not make me a lesser human being nor does it make a better person, my tattoo is just me.

I don't know if I will be doing another tattoo or if my Krishna is going to be the final tattoo, we shall just have to wait and see 😍

This is me...

A song that made me cry....

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me*

Many times in life I have questioned my existence, I fall and I rise back again and I tell myself to accept me. It is hard when you can't love yourself, I had to learn to love myself... I learned to love my curves, I learned to love my smile, I learned to love my skin colour...I learned and I am learning still.

Listening to this song reminded me that I am not alone, there are others fighting their own demons and battles. 

I feel blessed with the realization that I love my Upperwalla unconditionally. I love Him. 

*Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

Singer: Keala Settle

July 28 once again

It was the year 2002, a Monday morning, when I legally married him...

It's been 16 years and I am still questioning myself for the choices I made in life. He was the one I truly loved, he understood me, he knew my vulnerability, he knew my desperation, he knew how much I loved him.

I don't know where and how he is today, I tried to reach out to him, but I am not getting any response. I do wish him well, I am happy for him, we made our choices, am still crying but I do hope he is happy with his chosen life.

I am so broken inside me, I have patched up lots of hurt and pieces of my heart, there are still cracks and I realised some parts are not fixable but I am surviving. My Upperwalla has blessed me in many other forms, I am grateful. Perhaps I am being selfish for wanting more, wanting it all.

I need to refocus my life. The new job opportunity is a good diversion. I am looking forward to my own place, a new beginning, meeting new people. That's something to look forward.

I am questioning myself if this is the right move to make. I am safe and comfortable at my present place, what will the future be? No one can answer this. I have been asking my Upperwalla to guide me in the right direction. My only trust is in Him..

How am I going to go through this 28th? 

My plan, go to work, after work swim, after swim, sleep till the next day....don't think much, it is just another day....

Moving On

I was in KL over the weekend...

It was akka's 60th birthday and she had prayers at home. I survived the morning though I was a bit sad with what my sister did but I told myself that is expected.

Lucky for me K-A was there, we had fun going window shopping for lights and fans. I am not sure how many shops we went but it really lots and lots of lights we saw. We managed to watch a movie, but through out the movie there was something in my mind.

Earlier, as KA was driving, I called my friend who had said he was not well and etc hence I wanted to visit him. He didn't answer my call but texted back saying he was in Singapore attending a meeting. I wished him well and just said my bye. I looked at KA, I didn't cry, but just told her that's the reason I told myself not to be attached to anyone. It was a betrayal, telling me he was so sick but yet he was able to travel. I was disappointed, he could have just told me he is well.

All these are just reminders in life, just trust yourself, no one else.

So what now, well, ! move on, as I have always done. Life goes on and it should go on happily for everyone.

Little things...

Little things that make you happy and sad...

I am just happy this morning for changing my phone cover, it is chilli red and I am just happy. The sun is shinning brightly on my face and I am happy. I have artificial red roses with tiny green leaves on a white vase at the window sill and I am happy. I am happy, I am reminding myself that little things make me happy coz the truth is I am sad.

Why the sadness my dear girl?

Sad coz I have become insignificant in many's lives. I am not part of their joy. I am only part of people's life when they need help, I am there to share their pain and sorrows but not their joy. I am not sure how to feel about this actually....a doormat? 

I will be ok. I have to make decisions. 

I will have my good days and bad days. I will survive. I won't dig into my past to find the answers, it is not necessary. I will focus what I can do for myself.

Be brave my fragile heart. We will be ok. We shall live on happily.