How does one grieve?
A mom who lost a son, a sister who lost her brother and a dad who lost his first born...the grieving process of each of them was different from one another. The mom cried each time she sees someone, she mumbles away her darling son is no more, she laments she won't hear his voice ever again. The younger sister who is trying very hard not to cry, she's trying to be brave, steps into the brother's shoes to care for the parents, controlling her own grief, hugging the mom whenever she cries, holds her dad's hand softly. The dad, ah, he welcomes people in, talks to them, pretend he is ok but alas you can catch him looking at the open space, looking lost...a family that is mourning...
Everyone's there, giving advises, God loves him more, he is now resting in peace, time heals, do these prayers for his soul, life is unfair, he is so young, you need to move on.....
I, I chose to keep quiet, let the family mourn. Having someone with you for 26 years and suddenly taken away, it is not easy. Life will never be the same. I won't tell you not to cry, I will let you do whatever you want to do, cry, wail, mourn the way you want. It is your loss, no one has the right to tell you otherwise...
The smiles and laughter might come back one day but it will be missing that particular laughter, no one can replace him but hopefully you will remember his laughter....
Krishna, take care of this family....
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Monday, July 24, 2017
I want to live...
Am I really living?
I wake up in the morning, get myself ready to work, work till 5.30pm, gym, meet friends or go home, sleep and I start over the routine day in day out. Sounds familiar? Almost every other person is doing that. Weekends might be slightly different, may be church time, temple time, lunch with family, a nap in the afternoon, market in the morning, cleaning the house etc....sounds familiar too??
We do this day in and day out, before you know it the year ends, we ponder for a moment what happened in the past 365 days, a couple of friends no more in this world, some cousins/nephews/nieces/relative got married, a few birthday celebrations...a few parties, a few drinks...are you nodding your head in agreement?
So, now my question, am I really living? Am I doing what I really want to do? Am I playing it safe? What is it I want to do now?
When I was in my 20s, I was asking the question what is the purpose of my life? Lessons in life, the turbulence I went through, the people I met, the losses I encountered gave me my answer, my purpose in life...to be happy. When I learnt and accepted that is my purpose, I stopped asking the question. I just knew I want to be happy. But now, I am asking, am I living my life?
I am happy, happy in my own way, I love my Krishna, I am comfortable with my relationship with Him, I am at peace, I sleep well at night except the occasional nights where my favorite coffee keeps me awake, I love my job, I love my travels, I love my freedom, I am surrounded with my friends....yes, I am contended.....is this living my life? I have heard phrases, I want to live, not just survive...is this what I am going through now?
Why is it I am not convinced this is really living my life? What is it I am seeking? Really, what is it that I am looking for now?
I wake up in the morning, get myself ready to work, work till 5.30pm, gym, meet friends or go home, sleep and I start over the routine day in day out. Sounds familiar? Almost every other person is doing that. Weekends might be slightly different, may be church time, temple time, lunch with family, a nap in the afternoon, market in the morning, cleaning the house etc....sounds familiar too??
We do this day in and day out, before you know it the year ends, we ponder for a moment what happened in the past 365 days, a couple of friends no more in this world, some cousins/nephews/nieces/relative got married, a few birthday celebrations...a few parties, a few drinks...are you nodding your head in agreement?
So, now my question, am I really living? Am I doing what I really want to do? Am I playing it safe? What is it I want to do now?
When I was in my 20s, I was asking the question what is the purpose of my life? Lessons in life, the turbulence I went through, the people I met, the losses I encountered gave me my answer, my purpose in life...to be happy. When I learnt and accepted that is my purpose, I stopped asking the question. I just knew I want to be happy. But now, I am asking, am I living my life?
I am happy, happy in my own way, I love my Krishna, I am comfortable with my relationship with Him, I am at peace, I sleep well at night except the occasional nights where my favorite coffee keeps me awake, I love my job, I love my travels, I love my freedom, I am surrounded with my friends....yes, I am contended.....is this living my life? I have heard phrases, I want to live, not just survive...is this what I am going through now?
Why is it I am not convinced this is really living my life? What is it I am seeking? Really, what is it that I am looking for now?
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
My Chettiar
He is one of my sweetest friend...
My chettiar appeared in my life about 7 to 8 years back. He is one funny dude, forever cracking jokes and what not over the phone but in person, he is such a shy guy! Through him, I met his mom, sister, daughter and his wife. Now the wife, is another character la....
Well, a couple of days back, he called me. I used to talk to him practically every other day while he drives back home from work. And over the recent years, he changed jobs and but the frequency of calls didn't get affected that much! Anyway he called coz he was frustrated over someone. First I thought it was the wifey..I know...I am bad :) But it was not about the wifey. It was about his colleague.
My chettiar's frustration was not even about work. It was his colleague's attitude. That guy apparently drinks 3 to 4 times a week and that was not even my chettiar's issue. The issue was about his colleague fooling around with other ladies, going for escort service (my chettiar was too polite to mention the word call girls) and now having a relationship with a married lady. I asked my chettiar, why are you angry la? Coz you can't do any of these things is it? He said NO! It is coz the guy is married for over 6 years now and he has a very nice wife.
This friend of mine was going on and on on how married men should not be cheating on their wives, on what is going to happen to the wife la, on why men do all these nonsense la...
He was so sweet, I was totally amused. I hardly hear a guy being upset with another guy for having an affair or etc. It was really something different...
To my chettiar, please don't change, I love you just the way you are!
My chettiar appeared in my life about 7 to 8 years back. He is one funny dude, forever cracking jokes and what not over the phone but in person, he is such a shy guy! Through him, I met his mom, sister, daughter and his wife. Now the wife, is another character la....
Well, a couple of days back, he called me. I used to talk to him practically every other day while he drives back home from work. And over the recent years, he changed jobs and but the frequency of calls didn't get affected that much! Anyway he called coz he was frustrated over someone. First I thought it was the wifey..I know...I am bad :) But it was not about the wifey. It was about his colleague.
My chettiar's frustration was not even about work. It was his colleague's attitude. That guy apparently drinks 3 to 4 times a week and that was not even my chettiar's issue. The issue was about his colleague fooling around with other ladies, going for escort service (my chettiar was too polite to mention the word call girls) and now having a relationship with a married lady. I asked my chettiar, why are you angry la? Coz you can't do any of these things is it? He said NO! It is coz the guy is married for over 6 years now and he has a very nice wife.
This friend of mine was going on and on on how married men should not be cheating on their wives, on what is going to happen to the wife la, on why men do all these nonsense la...
He was so sweet, I was totally amused. I hardly hear a guy being upset with another guy for having an affair or etc. It was really something different...
To my chettiar, please don't change, I love you just the way you are!
Monday, June 19, 2017
I miss my Appa
It was father's day yesterday and I miss my Appa....
The one person who totally accepted me as who I am and never once told me to be otherwise was my appa. He just knew I was different, different from the others, he knew I was the rebel, the one who talked too much, the one who keeps asking all kinds of questions and also the one who showed my emotions openly.
Everyone will say their appa is the best appa and I am never ever going to refute that coz that is the truth. My appa was special in his own way too. That man had patience like a saint! of which non of his children inherited!
I honestly wish I could have done more for him. I didn't have the chance. He left too soon. I just started working and was also still studying, money was something that I didn't have. I never took him for a holiday, not for any fine dining...noting much. Today, when I am able to do all these, he is not here and how I wish I can do something for him...
I was reading all the father's day wishes on fb and all the advertisements and what not, and that made me more sad. As I am writing this, I am crying, I miss him yes, but I think there's more behind these tears. I wish you are here appa, I wish I have a chance to tell you I love you, I wish I can tell you what is in my mind, I wish we can go for our drives, I wish we can eat durians, I wish I can show who I am now....
Would you be happy of who I am today appa? Would you be proud to call me your daughter? Would you still love me knowing all the mistakes I have done in life? Would you approve of my choices in life?
Appa, please stop my tears....
The one person who totally accepted me as who I am and never once told me to be otherwise was my appa. He just knew I was different, different from the others, he knew I was the rebel, the one who talked too much, the one who keeps asking all kinds of questions and also the one who showed my emotions openly.
Everyone will say their appa is the best appa and I am never ever going to refute that coz that is the truth. My appa was special in his own way too. That man had patience like a saint! of which non of his children inherited!
I honestly wish I could have done more for him. I didn't have the chance. He left too soon. I just started working and was also still studying, money was something that I didn't have. I never took him for a holiday, not for any fine dining...noting much. Today, when I am able to do all these, he is not here and how I wish I can do something for him...
I was reading all the father's day wishes on fb and all the advertisements and what not, and that made me more sad. As I am writing this, I am crying, I miss him yes, but I think there's more behind these tears. I wish you are here appa, I wish I have a chance to tell you I love you, I wish I can tell you what is in my mind, I wish we can go for our drives, I wish we can eat durians, I wish I can show who I am now....
Would you be happy of who I am today appa? Would you be proud to call me your daughter? Would you still love me knowing all the mistakes I have done in life? Would you approve of my choices in life?
Appa, please stop my tears....
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Losing someone
A morning message that made me sad...
I received a message from my former colleague this morning. My ex staff lost his baby, his wife who was also an ex colleague of mine carried the baby full term, she's due next week and last night their doctor could not hear the baby's heart beat.
This is sad... I kept repeating the word that I am sad... I just don't know what else to say.
Losing a child is never easy. I once read, it is easier for a child to bury her parents but not for parents to bury their child. I remember now how my grandfather was when both his sons died before him. He was so devastated, my grandmother was uncontrollable. My dad was their eldest son, he came into their lives after 10 years of marriage and my uncle came along 10 years later. A very small and loving family. When my uncle died first, my grandparents still had my dad but alas a year plus later, my dad passed away. It was a difficult moment for all of us. I was mourning and grieving for my dad but at the same time, we had to see my grandmother crying for her son. My grandfather was more composed, actually, I can't recall much of my grandfather that day.
When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather did the final rites, I was next to him, holding his hands when he was doing the rites. It was really really sad. And I cried that day not for my grandmother but for my grandfather for losing his sons and his wife of 71 years. That's a long time to have been together with someone. My grandfather passed away a year after my grandmother.
I asked my brother, did you realize we lost the core family, appa's family. My wise brother looked at me and said, no, we are still part of that family, we are their legacy.
Life.
For my friends EK & PS, my prayers for your little angel. He is with God now. You gave him life, but God gave him rest. Be happy with God little one. Uncle Syd will be playing with you...
I received a message from my former colleague this morning. My ex staff lost his baby, his wife who was also an ex colleague of mine carried the baby full term, she's due next week and last night their doctor could not hear the baby's heart beat.
This is sad... I kept repeating the word that I am sad... I just don't know what else to say.
Losing a child is never easy. I once read, it is easier for a child to bury her parents but not for parents to bury their child. I remember now how my grandfather was when both his sons died before him. He was so devastated, my grandmother was uncontrollable. My dad was their eldest son, he came into their lives after 10 years of marriage and my uncle came along 10 years later. A very small and loving family. When my uncle died first, my grandparents still had my dad but alas a year plus later, my dad passed away. It was a difficult moment for all of us. I was mourning and grieving for my dad but at the same time, we had to see my grandmother crying for her son. My grandfather was more composed, actually, I can't recall much of my grandfather that day.
When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather did the final rites, I was next to him, holding his hands when he was doing the rites. It was really really sad. And I cried that day not for my grandmother but for my grandfather for losing his sons and his wife of 71 years. That's a long time to have been together with someone. My grandfather passed away a year after my grandmother.
I asked my brother, did you realize we lost the core family, appa's family. My wise brother looked at me and said, no, we are still part of that family, we are their legacy.
Life.
For my friends EK & PS, my prayers for your little angel. He is with God now. You gave him life, but God gave him rest. Be happy with God little one. Uncle Syd will be playing with you...
Monday, May 22, 2017
Humanity
I am changed...
Was chatting with my sister yesterday. I passed her details last week about my colleague's brother who is looking for an alliance, the girl being my brother in law's niece. Everyone was excited, girl is good la, the boy is nice la, the poruthum is matching la, so on and so forth. Then investigation of the family began, my uncle found out about the boy's dad's profession and they deemed it is from a lower caste. My sister promptly called me and said, please tell your colleague the 'deal' is off. I asked her on what basis is it off? What to tell my colleague?, for that my sister said, just say something.
I then asked my sister a couple of question. First I wanted her to tell me if she is happy married to a guy from a 'good caste'. Second, I asked her, why are we still saying we are civilized people when we behave such. It made me upset and angry. I told her a person's stature has got nothing to do with his caste, it is about him/her, their attitude, their humility, their compassion....it is not their caste that makes them who they are.
I called K to tell her what happened and she asked why am I so upset....
I grew up in a house whereby this caste thing has been ingrained and indoctrinated in our minds since the day we were born and it went on in our growing years. We were made to believe we were better then others, the arrogance and the 'I am higher than thou' attitude was paramount in my family...not just my immediate family but with my extended families too. I can't change much about my grandparents nor their parents mindset, at least I know my dad was a bit more open about this caste thing but not my mom. But, today, though I came from that surrounding, I have changed but I can't say the same about my siblings though.
Time has changed, it was hard for me to break out, I thought it was not possible for me to do that, coz, if you had asked me if I could marry a guy from a different caste then mine, I might have said no, or taken a longer time to answer but deep inside I know I can't do it. The message was too deep to undo. But it is not impossible, I know it now. Yesterday was a revelation for me, I understand a bit more of myself, I know I can change, and I am not bothered about what my family would say or think of me. This is me, I accept people, regardless their age, gender, sexual orientation, skin colour and finally I can add that I can accept people regardless their caste.
Krishna, thank you for opening my heart. I am only in control of myself. Ask me now if I would marry a guy from a different caste, my answer is yes, a firm yes, without a doubt. This is me, this gives meaning to my life, to my existence, this is me acknowledging my arrogance...at least a small part of my arrogance, I have still have more to go and a long way to go. God created us all equal, if we say we believe in God and we have faith in Him, then, why do we treat indifferently to other caste? God didn't create him? Man made all the rules, and we are so blind to yet follow these man made rules.
Guide me my Krishna....
Was chatting with my sister yesterday. I passed her details last week about my colleague's brother who is looking for an alliance, the girl being my brother in law's niece. Everyone was excited, girl is good la, the boy is nice la, the poruthum is matching la, so on and so forth. Then investigation of the family began, my uncle found out about the boy's dad's profession and they deemed it is from a lower caste. My sister promptly called me and said, please tell your colleague the 'deal' is off. I asked her on what basis is it off? What to tell my colleague?, for that my sister said, just say something.
I then asked my sister a couple of question. First I wanted her to tell me if she is happy married to a guy from a 'good caste'. Second, I asked her, why are we still saying we are civilized people when we behave such. It made me upset and angry. I told her a person's stature has got nothing to do with his caste, it is about him/her, their attitude, their humility, their compassion....it is not their caste that makes them who they are.
I called K to tell her what happened and she asked why am I so upset....
I grew up in a house whereby this caste thing has been ingrained and indoctrinated in our minds since the day we were born and it went on in our growing years. We were made to believe we were better then others, the arrogance and the 'I am higher than thou' attitude was paramount in my family...not just my immediate family but with my extended families too. I can't change much about my grandparents nor their parents mindset, at least I know my dad was a bit more open about this caste thing but not my mom. But, today, though I came from that surrounding, I have changed but I can't say the same about my siblings though.
Time has changed, it was hard for me to break out, I thought it was not possible for me to do that, coz, if you had asked me if I could marry a guy from a different caste then mine, I might have said no, or taken a longer time to answer but deep inside I know I can't do it. The message was too deep to undo. But it is not impossible, I know it now. Yesterday was a revelation for me, I understand a bit more of myself, I know I can change, and I am not bothered about what my family would say or think of me. This is me, I accept people, regardless their age, gender, sexual orientation, skin colour and finally I can add that I can accept people regardless their caste.
Krishna, thank you for opening my heart. I am only in control of myself. Ask me now if I would marry a guy from a different caste, my answer is yes, a firm yes, without a doubt. This is me, this gives meaning to my life, to my existence, this is me acknowledging my arrogance...at least a small part of my arrogance, I have still have more to go and a long way to go. God created us all equal, if we say we believe in God and we have faith in Him, then, why do we treat indifferently to other caste? God didn't create him? Man made all the rules, and we are so blind to yet follow these man made rules.
Guide me my Krishna....
Monday, April 10, 2017
Movie Night
A Mani Ratnam movie on a Saturday night...
V asked if I am keen for a movie, well, why not as I do love Mani Ratnam's movies. I think I knew the name Mani Ratnam first in his Telugu movie Geethanjali when I was in Upper Six. It was a beautiful movie with wonrderful songs and I became a fan thereafter! I do make a point to watch all his movies, I loved Mouna Ragan, Roja, Ravana among many others.
Last Saturday was his latest movie, Kaatru Veliyidai, a romantic movie taken in Srinagar and Ladakh,Kashmir. It was simply stunning, the winter, the spring, beautiful landscape and scenery... I am truly excited as I will be heading there with the others in November. I am not sure whether I hope it snows by then or just pleasantly cold, whatever the temperature is going to be, I am sure it is going to be spectacular.
Well back to the movie, it was a good movie, good acting, I just wish the dialogues would have had been better. I think it is about time Mani Ratnam changes the way his hero is characterized, they seem to be the same movie after movie.
Oh ya, just when the movie was about to begin, a gentleman sat next to me and that was when I told myself that I need to post this on the blog. It was the gentleman, I think he didn't shower, the moment he sat, V asked me the question, I almost wanted to laugh.
It made me realize that everyone in the cinema was sitting so close to each other, just like in a flight. If you stink, then the people next to you have to endure the pain for all the hours you are going to be there... that is not a punishment we deserve for no fault of ours!
Anyway, I lived through the ordeal of sitting next to the guy, hopefully for the next movie he goes to, he would shower first!!
Next time for movie, better be clean, God knows who is going to sit next to you and only god knows what is going through their mind...
V asked if I am keen for a movie, well, why not as I do love Mani Ratnam's movies. I think I knew the name Mani Ratnam first in his Telugu movie Geethanjali when I was in Upper Six. It was a beautiful movie with wonrderful songs and I became a fan thereafter! I do make a point to watch all his movies, I loved Mouna Ragan, Roja, Ravana among many others.
Last Saturday was his latest movie, Kaatru Veliyidai, a romantic movie taken in Srinagar and Ladakh,Kashmir. It was simply stunning, the winter, the spring, beautiful landscape and scenery... I am truly excited as I will be heading there with the others in November. I am not sure whether I hope it snows by then or just pleasantly cold, whatever the temperature is going to be, I am sure it is going to be spectacular.
Well back to the movie, it was a good movie, good acting, I just wish the dialogues would have had been better. I think it is about time Mani Ratnam changes the way his hero is characterized, they seem to be the same movie after movie.
 |
| Arvindswamy & Madhu |
 |
| Madhavan & Shalini |
 |
| Karthi & Aditi |
 |
| Nagarjun & Girija |
It made me realize that everyone in the cinema was sitting so close to each other, just like in a flight. If you stink, then the people next to you have to endure the pain for all the hours you are going to be there... that is not a punishment we deserve for no fault of ours!
Anyway, I lived through the ordeal of sitting next to the guy, hopefully for the next movie he goes to, he would shower first!!
Next time for movie, better be clean, God knows who is going to sit next to you and only god knows what is going through their mind...
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