A dark past

 A dark past that came back to haunt me...

I had to face my biggest demon last year. A phone call late at night shattered whatever peace I was trying to find in my life. I had been trying so hard all these years to forget and look past the events of my life.

I was a victim of sexual abuse. It is was not easy then, it is still not easy now.

I am sitting here thinking how to write this, as I am not able to put my pain into words. This post is meant to be a year of reflection but my heart says this is the moment of my reflection of my life...I am trying...trying...I know I can do this. I started writing this post since the beginning of the year but each time I want to continue writing, I find it is really difficult to move on.

I was barely 10 years old when the abuse started and it went on for over 2 years. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening, no one would have believed me. The abuser is someone very well liked by everyone, a 'gentleman' but for me he was a monster inside out. I am not being dramatic here, this is honestly how I feel. 

When I hear people talk about child abuse, the statements were always..."why didn't she tell anyone?" "She could have told someone; but she was always cheerful; are you sure she knows what she is saying...." and the list continues...

Let me say this: there is no way I can tell anyone, first coz I don't want to break my dad's heart, I don't want him to be sad for me, I thought it would have killed my dad if he knew. Secondly, I know my mom and the others won't believe me, they would have said I am just creating stories, no one would blame the abuser, he knew how to pretend.

I came up with ways to kill myself and every time, I will stop, I don't want appa to find me like that. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for God to take my life. I hated to be in the same room with him, I hated every moment he spoke, I hated my life, I hated my body, I hated every single moment I breathed. 

I am crying now, it is over 40 years, I am crying...I feel dirty all over...

He died last year, and when I got the news, I just wanted him to burn in hell. I was so angry, never have I ever been that angry in my life. I want him to suffer, I had so much hatred, so much anger, so much pain. I cannot tell here how angry I was that day.

I thought I had made peace with myself, I thought I had buried the past. 

I didn't.

I had buried the anger, the hurt, the pain. I was dealing with other issues in my life, I was dealing with my mom issue, with my ex issue...I just didn't want to dig out the memories I had buried on the abuse issue.

My tears stopped now, the anger is back, I am blaming myself...

I called SB a few days after I got the news that abuser is no more around. SB knew about this, I had told him about this long time back. And I cried uncontrollably. I told him I could not control my anger, I told him I could not forgive this person, I told him, I am hurting so much I can feel my heart breaking. I told him I want to hurt this person, I wanted to stab him over and over and I want to destroy him as he had destroyed my life, my peace, my happiness...SB just waited for me to rant, to cry. I told SB I am not me, this is not who I am,  I don't know how to handle this, I told him I hate hate...I told him I couldn't control my anger, it is just eating me up.

SB waited till I was done crying and was ready to listen...he told me to stop blaming the little girl who went through this incident, he told me the little girl was helpless, he told me it is not the little girl's fault, he told me the little girl did nothing wrong to deserve this punishment.

I did what I could do as a 10 year old girl. I could only think of my appa....no one else mattered in this world then..

My emotions is all over the place at this moment, but, I am not angry, I don't have hatred in my heart now, I am asking myself why am I crying then? It is reliving the past, a past that was not pleasant, a past that was so painful...

The little girl 40 years ago was scared to face her demon, but the 50 year old me today, is standing tall and I am telling the world....I am fine, I am beautiful, I am brave, I am happy and most importantly I love myself.

I am looking out at the window now and all I can say is...thank you Krishna!

My walks

I love my walks

When I started on a lifestyle change, one item on the list was to start walking as a form of exercise. It was a 'task' / 'hard work' in the beginning. I started walking at my neighbourhood field in the mornings. The uncles and aunties were my big motivators. They always told me I can do it, keep going, keep smiling.....I formed a bond with them...it was nice to be greeted in the morning with their smiles.

This morning I went for a morning walk at Gurney Drive. I told Ms L it was not hard work anymore, it's my fun time. My perspective changed over time....from hard work, it is now fun!
For all who constantly give me the encouragement and support, thank you!!

These are some of the photos I took during my walks....

My 2019 - 2020 Journey

 My physical & emotional journey....

Last September (2019) I was fasting for a month for religious purposes. Usually I will be on vegetarian diet but last year I decided to go on a one meal a day diet but drinking as much water I wanted the whole day. I continued on doing one meal a day and added walking as part of my routine. I started by walking 30 mins a day then gradually added 5-10 mins after every week. Now, I usually walk for an hour and 10 mins @ 7km either in the mornings or evenings.

 
During the MCO, no walking but I started on HIIT. A 30 mins of sweating which I looked forward everyday. Nowadays I alternate between my walks and HIIT and I still follow my one meal a day plan but I do have my cheat days

Many have asked why this change? Is there someone in your life? The answer is...there's only me & my Krishna in my life.... I'm doing this for myself.

 
I'm still the same person but there's lightness in my steps. There's a newfound cheerfulness in my life. I love my walks when I'm not thinking of anything. It's just me, my songs and Mother Nature. I feel energized. I feel a sense of achievement...most of all I feel Krishna is with me at every step I take.

 
K-A asked me, what am I trying to say here, what is my message. My message is everyone of us is going through a journey...this is my journey. I'm not in a competition, am not comparing myself to anyone, I don't have a goal, I just want to be the best me I can be.

 
Body shaming & colorism has been a constant in my life. Throughout my life, I was belittled, made embarrassed for my size and skin color. Many thought I won't achieve anything or be the person I am today. It has to stop now.

 
I am a plus sized and a dark colored lady. I am a happy lady. I am loved by those who know me and do not judge me based on my size.

 
My message today: be the best of you.

This is me today...

My Christmas gift

K-A gave me a Christmas prezzy that got me crying...

Christmas this year I spent at K-A's house in Penang. I was in KL with her just before Christmas and the 2 of us went from one mall to another to look for a dress for her for her parent's 50th wedding anniversary. I didn't have much time to shop this year but I kind of knew what I was going to get for the family.

Christmas eve, I was with Ms L. It was her birthday. We had ice cream! It was really really good....anyone who knows Ms L should know by now she is so into her diets and at this moment she is into her Keto diet! Well, it was her birthday, she is entitled to her ice-cream or two!!!

Ice cream from Tokyo Cheese Milk Factory

After lunch, we went to print a couple of photos for K-A. At the shop, the guy in charge was friendly and we were chatting. Ms L asked who were the people in the photos, and I told her this is K-A's aunt and uncle and her brother's wedding etc. The guy looked at me and said you are really a friend to the family, I told him, they are my other family and Ms L added that I am her Indian sister!

K-A asked if we ever thought how Ms L and I are to others...I said no. It never crossed my mind but her question made me think. It is rare to see two ladies, an Indian and Chinese happily shopping together all the time. We go for lunches and dinners and have shopped for diamonds, clothes, cars and any other thing under the sky...even went house hunting together!! 

Anyway, on Christmas day I was at K-A's. We went for lunch with her parents and once we were back, we continued with the preparation for the anniversary dinner. Lots of last minute things to do. Her mom was busy baking chocolate cakes and I was glued to the dining table.

Towards evening, she gave me my present from under the tree. It was a lovely bag...beautiful words. When I looked inside I saw a letter, from her, hand written.

I started reading and I started crying...

I am blessed. I will cherish the letter...a reminder from my Krishna that I am loved.

Toddy for lunch!

Lunch was fresh toddy and wild boar curry!

After our trip to Lembah Bujang, we went for lunch. I found a place somewhere in Kulim, Divine Farm that offered fresh toddy. It was not that far off and we thought it would be a good idea...well it turned out to be one of our best food escapade!

The toddy was fresh and it was harvested from a single tree. It was so sweet and refreshing on a hot day. The wild boar curry was fantastic. We totally loved the food and the ambiance. We sat next to the spring and the gentle breeze and the sound of the spring water flowing and the paddy field across the spring was just perfect for the soul.

We are planning for our next road trip. Just a day trip, nice and easy...

Lembah Bujang

A road trip to Lembah Bujang was a good decision..

My road trip group decided to drive up to Lembah Bujang, I always wanted to go there and the others were open with the idea too. This time Vasu drove and I got to be the navigator.

It is always fun driving with Sara, he cracks all of us...and he was doing that the whole trip.

The chats were good, everyone sharing bits and pieces of their life and just trying to be us, crazy old ladies and 1 young boy!

These were the photos that were taken on the site. We spent about an hour exploring the place, reading and admiring the beauty. It was hot but we didn't mind it. It was a shame that not much was written about the history behind it. I feel we can do more to preserve on this piece of history that is part of our existence. 

I was trying to see in my head how people those days walked up the hill to go to temple. What made them choose the spot? What was the significance of that particular place? I was trying to imagine the temple, the splendor of the architecture. These kings were the ones who built so many temples in Tamil Nadu which are still standing magnificently strong. What happened here? Why did we allow our rich history end up as a ruin that not many are appreciating the importance of it?

After a moment of appreciation at the top most structure, we walked down to the museum,  It was pleasantly cold. Here, the artifacts were on display and I wished there were in-depth explanation of the Shiva Linga and Ganesha statues. I wanted to say I was disappointed but I told myself, at least it is not totally lost. Here are what I managed to capture in the museum...

The entrance of the museum that was in ancient words

The entrance of the museum had an ancient words board. I thought that was really cool, just wish I knew what was the language used and what was written there. 

Going to Lembah Bujang honestly got me thinking about my ancestors. I am 7th generation Indian descendant in Malaysia. When did my forefathers come to Malaysia? Were they those who came here first. My grandad's grandad settled up North. I was curious. I wished I had the opportunity to chat with my grandad about his great grandfather. I am sure I would have learnt much. I was too young then. Didn't understand the significance of my heritage. I only knew stories from my grandmother but it was more about her mother in law!!

It was indeed a meaningful road trip!

My Chettiar's Advice

I asked Chettiar a question yesterday....

I was driving to tuition Friday evening when I called my dear Chettiar. I was telling him what Ms L said that why am I still being nice to people when they don't value me. I told Ms L, I can't be like them, this is me, I don't want to change myself. So I asked Chettiar what do you think? 

He didn't answer me straight away but started talking to me about my tattoo and for that he kena scolded from me. I thought he was not listening to what I was yakking away earlier but my Chettiar totally totally surprised me with his wisdom. He said what others do is their karma, what we do is our karma, do what is right, don't think much but at the same time, don't let others take advantage of you. He asked me to move away from what affects me. I just asked him when did he become such a philosopher?? All these years, where was he?? And I asked him if I had told him lately that I love him 😊 

We continued our chat with me asking him what he thinks about one-night-stand. His answer was not something I expected from him. He was again going all philosophical about we are all human beings and we have our needs. So it is okay with one-night-stands!! I was in my head, oh my god Chettiar, I was not expecting that kind of answer from you. I told him, am not sure if that is the path I want to take, I want to feel love and be in love before I commit myself in a physical relationship. 


My Chettiar is an amazing guy, he cracks me up. He is a friend whom I can talk about anything and he never once made me feel uncomfortable to talk to. He is one of the guys in my life I am truly blessed to have. He is funny, charming and just just really sweet. He is celebrating his 50th birthday in February next year and I have already booked him for a weekend in February to celebrate his birthday with me and K-A.

I love you my dear Chettiar!

My kids and boundaries

My little boy gave me a hug last night...

My Friday night tuition yesterday started with my lil boy asking me "Is God a punishing God? I said , God is a loving God. He loves everyone and He wants us to love everyone too. He does not punish". Then my boy asked me why then my teacher scold me? I asked him back did you follow what your teacher and your mom and I ask you to do...he said no...so told him God can't be in front of you to tell you what to do, so He sent your teacher, mom and me to tell you what is right and what is wrong. He kept quiet and went about doing his thing.

A while later he asked me, last week I asked you what is God made off! I was oh my, he remembered the question and I did not prepare an answer for that....But at that moment, it came to me and I told him, well God is made of LOVE and that is why we have a loving God! He said ok and went about sticking something on the book. After a while, I asked him, you understand why God is a loving God right? He said yes, I asked how? He said God created you! My heart just skipped a bit. I wanted to cry that moment but I held back my tears...my thoughts were at that moment, Krishna, You are truly great. 

Well, today's post is about how my kids have left footprints in my life. 

I started teaching when I was 24 years old. Young, very young and was learning how to teach. I was teaching in the evening where my students were mostly much much older than me and my usual day classes they students were more or less around my age. It was in the first year of teaching I met this student. J. He was younger to me by 3 years, has long hair which he ties in a pony tail and he just loves to chat with me. This is the guy who will come to the staffroom and sit next to me and arrange my table, he was a bit of an OCD! His birthday was 2 days before mine and that  was when he looked at my eyes and said "so near yet so far". He was the first guy who sang a song for me....and yes, I was advised by my then Vice Principal not to be too close with the students!! And that was the first time I told myself to set a boundary with my kids....

Over the years, I had brief encounters where girls will give me a hug or will start opening up and cry and all I do is hold them. As for the boys, I had a couple of them touching my saree or touching my bangles when they are in my class. I didn't think it was weird, just funny, coz most of the kids, most of them Chinese, have not been close to any Indian lady to dare to touch her saree.

Last week, in class, one of my kid said "you know right I love you so much". I looked at him and said that is really sweet and thank you. He said that coz he wanted to have his test paper back to make corrections! Then he went on to ask if I have a daughter 😃. I totally cracked up at that moment, I told him, if I have a daughter, I don't mind her dating him. He said but I am Chinese, I told him I am ok with any race/religion... I was thinking then, 25 years of teaching, nothing changed when it comes to boundaries! 

Well, now with my two little boys, I took them for a movie two weeks back and I told them in the car, we cannot be running in the mall, you need to hold my hand and we shall have a good time. They were really cute, once we got down the car, both held my hand on each side. I did get people looking at me, two cute Chinese boys holding my hand and happily chatting away! These boys are breaking all the rules I have set for boundaries. They ask me anything and everything they want, they touch my face, pull my blouse to look at my tattoo. take out their shirt asking me to put lotion for them...I honestly don't know what to say but what I saw was my wall on boundaries crumbling down with these boys.

Last night my lil boy gave me a side hug when he came back after washing his hands after all the glue he was using! I melted.... So after lesson, I called him and said give me a good night hug, he came readily and just hugged me. He really made my day....to heck with boundaries!!!

A lifestyle change

Been doing intermittent fasting and walking for a good 40 minutes these days...

I started to fast during Purtassi, it was one meal a day and that was after sunset. During the day, I was just drinking water. It was something I wanted to do, my self discipline. I wanted to understand my body and see how I can manage control. Going on a vegetarian fast was not an issue but eating one meal a day was something new to me...and I was amazed I could do it and the best news was I actually lost a bit of weight.

I continued doing one proper meal a day and nights I just ate fruits and I felt better. I consistently started loosing 3kgs a month. My doc was impressed with me. Told me to carry on. I was happy with myself. So far I have lost close to 10kgs in 3 months....

My morning sky yesterday from the padang

Since last week, I started walking at my neighborhood
field. I started with a 35 minutes walk and slowly progressed to 50 minutes now. I love my morning walks...love the sound of the birds chirping. There are a few types I think. I noticed ants happily moving about. A flock of pigeons always at the same spot and the regular uncles and aunties. I noticed I was smiling, just smiling without any reasons. One of my neighbor uncle saw me, for the first time I said good morning to him and he smiled back with a nod. As I was walking I saw another uncle, smiled at him and I said good morning to him too. I loved the big grin on him. Now, every time I am at the field, uncles and aunties are greeting me with a smile and a good morning and it is really really nice.

There were times I just stayed at home and don't see anyone for the whole day or not even utter a word the whole day. Going out in the morning and looking at people and starting my day with a smile is indeed a good way to live.

Someone sent me a message this morning....every time someone smiles, it is a gift to the other person. I need to thank the uncles and aunties who is giving me this gift every morning for the past one week!

I love this moment and that is all that matters now.....

Life choices

What made you do this????

I usually don't have a good answer to these kind of questions. My reason for doing anything does not fall in the category of conventional acceptable normal answers. I do everything that concerns about me in life because I just want to do it. It has never been coz that is the popular thing or the normal thing or what will others think.

Last year, I was in a full time employment. I changed career in September, went into the industry. Was a system designer. I listen to clients request and come up with a solution on what they are looking for. It was fun but I was traveling up and down Singapore and was literally online all the time with the Bangalore & UAE team. After sometime it was not what I wanted, so I quit. 

I quit without having another job at hand. Questions started why did you do that? What are you going to do for income? I had no answers for anyone. I was not confident I will get a job straight away but I knew my savings would help me till the year end.

I had time for myself. Started on taking care of my garden, went to sister's house to get some seedlings. I planted roses, japanese roses, ferns, and many more, even had my own okra plant and when it started bearing, it was a wonderful feeling. I started exercising, going for my morning walks. I started on my intermittent fasting. Started to listen to my body. I was happy with the changes I brought within me. 

I did attend a couple of interviews, got the job but I didn't like the terms. Finally, my dear friend V introduced me to INTI college, part time lecturer, for 14 weeks. I said why not, and I got in. During that time, I was thinking of giving home tuition for young kids and I landed with 2 boys. That decision on home tutoring was the best. I love spending the 2 hours per week with each kid. They are curious boys, have no qualms touching me and asking me all kinds of questions. They are masters in deception...they will do anything they can not to study. Very cute boys....am taking them for a movie tomorrow, my 1st outing with them. I am surprised both set of parents are receptive with the idea of me taking them out for the movie and McD!

Back to the question, what made you do this? Because I can!

A K

A K is someone I have been chatting recently...

My dimple walla/starbucks introduced me to the dating site sometime back and I have been on the site once in a while. I think A K was chatting with me for over 6 months. He was different. Never asked for my number or never suggested to meet even though he was only from SP.

I took my own sweet time to get to know him and only a couple of months back we exchanged phone number and we were chatting via whatsapp. He was ok, nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway, about a couple of weeks ago, we started to call each other and I used to talk to him in English and he will converse in Tamil. He kept asking me to speak in Tamil and I told him I will once I am comfortable with him.

The thing is, last week, I was in a very low moment in life, figuring out what I want in this world and feeling all lonely and suggested to him to meet for coffee. He agreed. I was surprised. I didn't think he would want to meet me.

A K is the total opposite of me. He speaks only Tamil, does not flirt, does not understand what I say, does not read between the lines, he does not initiate the conversation but something in him is interesting. When it was time to go home, he asked me if I am ok to see him again. I said yes, do tell if you are free on a weekend, and I am free we shall meet. He looked at me and said, just answer my question, I said yes, if our weekends are free, we shall meet for lunch and I went on to explain to him. He stopped me and asked again the same question and said just give me a yes or no answer. For once, I was taken aback. This guy is not who is saying he is. I looked at him and said yes, and our evening ended with a handshake!

Last week he found out he will be going to Mentakab for 5 months. I don't know why, I was sad. I liked chatting with this guy, I look forward to his call. He tells me about his work, his mom, his sister, just everyday stuff and nothing serious but I caught myself missing his calls for the past 2 days. It hit me, I have let someone into my life, that is something I am not willing to do... no attachment. I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to feel.

The thing that surprised me most was, A K is not my kind of a guy.....life is funny...To A K who left a brief footprint in my life, thank you. You made me realize that I am not as strong as I want to be, I have to build a stronger wall to protect my heart from being hurt. I don't want to feel love, it is not meant for me...

A wake up call

My youngest niece received her doctorate recently...

My youngest niece, K, was doing her Master's degree and it was upgraded to a Doctorate. When she told me, I was really very happy for her. I knew my brother would have been so proud of his little girl, he left them too soon, she was only 10 when he moved on.

Well, K told me only a day before her convocation that she got her PhD. She didn't invite me for her convocation and I didn't say anything about it. But when I found out she has invited others and left me out, I felt the hurt. This is the girl who chats with me everyday, who asks me all kinds of things, she knows I will always have her back but she thought I was not important enough to share her happiness.

My elder sister was around the weekend of the convocation. She was equally hurt, she was going on and on why all the secrets. I told her to let it go. My brother in law saw how affected the two of us were and he reminded us we did whatever we can for our brother's daughters.

Something inside me changed. I felt free...I love them but it is not the same. I questioned myself, why do they hate me or why is it it is okay for them to hurt my feelings, am I that bad a person? I wanted an answer but it dawned to me, I don't need an answer, I don't need to question myself. This is my life, no one should be able to affect me if I don't allow them.

I was advised by some good friends to rethink my relationship with my family.

That week I was a mess, 14th November was appa's birthday. I woke up in the morning missing him. My first thought was I don't have a father, I don't have a mother, I don't have a spouse, I don't have kids and I don't even have Romeo! I have no one in this life....and I started to cry and cry and cry the whole day. It was too much to handle...

But a 4am conversation I had with my dear Han on Sunday morning, changed my perspective. How I see life is how it is going to make or kill my life. Han was talking about her niece going through cancer treatment and that was a kick for me. Here I am feeling sorry for myself when I am perfectly fine whereas her niece has 3 young kids and she is fighting a life altering moment.

I changed. A good change.

My tattoo journey

I just added a new tattoo....

My tattoo journey started in 2009 with a coloured tattoo of a single rose and butterfly. I continued to add on a phoenix on my calf, a peacock feather, roses and butterflies, a Maori inspired tattoo after my trip from New Zealand and Nike...the Goddess of Victory.

I did a new tattoo yesterday.....my Krishna....He is so close to my heart now and I just love it!!! I was not thinking of adding a new tattoo, it just happened. I saw an image of Krishna and I just knew that was the one. Someone actually made a remark that I am wild and for a moment I was upset and wanted to explain I am not but I stopped. I stopped to explain who I am and what my tattoos mean to me. It is my life, I don't owe an explanation to anyone what I am doing to myself...

There is more to my life then my tattoos.

I have no answer to myself nor to anyone why I love to ink myself, it is just something I like, it is just like I love to read, I love to chat....why no one ask me why so? By having another tattoo, my Krishna tattoo does not make me a lesser human being nor does it make a better person, my tattoo is just me.

I don't know if I will be doing another tattoo or if my Krishna is going to be the final tattoo, we shall just have to wait and see 😍

This is me...

A song that made me cry....

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me*

Many times in life I have questioned my existence, I fall and I rise back again and I tell myself to accept me. It is hard when you can't love yourself, I had to learn to love myself... I learned to love my curves, I learned to love my smile, I learned to love my skin colour...I learned and I am learning still.

Listening to this song reminded me that I am not alone, there are others fighting their own demons and battles. 

I feel blessed with the realization that I love my Upperwalla unconditionally. I love Him. 

*Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

Singer: Keala Settle

July 28 once again

It was the year 2002, a Monday morning, when I legally married him...

It's been 16 years and I am still questioning myself for the choices I made in life. He was the one I truly loved, he understood me, he knew my vulnerability, he knew my desperation, he knew how much I loved him.

I don't know where and how he is today, I tried to reach out to him, but I am not getting any response. I do wish him well, I am happy for him, we made our choices, am still crying but I do hope he is happy with his chosen life.

I am so broken inside me, I have patched up lots of hurt and pieces of my heart, there are still cracks and I realised some parts are not fixable but I am surviving. My Upperwalla has blessed me in many other forms, I am grateful. Perhaps I am being selfish for wanting more, wanting it all.

I need to refocus my life. The new job opportunity is a good diversion. I am looking forward to my own place, a new beginning, meeting new people. That's something to look forward.

I am questioning myself if this is the right move to make. I am safe and comfortable at my present place, what will the future be? No one can answer this. I have been asking my Upperwalla to guide me in the right direction. My only trust is in Him..

How am I going to go through this 28th? 

My plan, go to work, after work swim, after swim, sleep till the next day....don't think much, it is just another day....