I can't

I can't do this anymore....

Am trying so hard to be okay, at the outside I look perfectly fine but inside me, I am so not okay at all.

I am so used to be picking up the pieces of my life every time I break into a million pieces for whatever reasons. This time around, I am just not able to fix myself. I am shattered. I don't know what to do, how to help myself, how to be okay, how to smile....

Krshna, what is it that I am looking for? I have everything a girl can wish for, my space, my life, my career....they are all in order. What is this void in me then? Why I am looking for a warm hug, a hug that will make me want to live this life?

I am so lonely, my world seems so gloomy. I laugh and I talk to everyone, I seem to be so normal...but it is all in the surface layer...am I such a good actor that no one can see me, see me the girl who is going deeper into her abyss...someone, anyone, please give me a hand and pull me out...

This page is the only venue that I am able to explain myself, even then, I think this is only 50% of what I truly feel...the other 50% is something only Krshna knows

Hug me please.....

An actor

I have decided...

This decision was made last night...I am going to be an actor. A happy face for everyone. A happy facade. That is what the world expects from me. I just have to be there for everyone and I should not expect anyone to be here for me.

It is not a selfish world... it is just my world. Perhaps my problems are not as great as others but then again, for me, my problems are such a burden...it's as heavy as Atlas carrying earth on his shoulders. I need to clear my muddled mind, I need to understand that my problems are mine to handle, I shall and should not seek for others to understand and comprehend my situation and to offer me a shoulder to cry or to lean on.

What am I going to do then? I am going to write here, I am going to express my hurt, my sadness, my loneliness, my desperate need for human touch..... I shall use these pages as the shoulder that I am searching for. It just dawned to me, no one is willing to listen, no one is willing to understand, no one wants a drama queen in their midst!

As DW said, life will go on and must go on....my question is why? Why must life go on?

Emptiness

I am empty...

I am loosing it.. Life is just a blank existence. I have no idea what and who I am living for. There's no reason to live, I will be happy if Krishna takes me now...happy is an understatement, I will be released from everything.

Why am I doing this to myself? Torturing my soul, wanting something that I dont know what it is. It's the void that is deafening. A hollow that I need to fill up. I don't hate this feeling, I just donno how to handle it....

The more I think about this, the more I am getting myself down. These days I'm getting too tired to bring myself up...it's taking too much of myself...

Krishna, please help me, guide me to cope with this emptiness in me.....