My EB

He is my Ensem Boy...

That is how I refer him, my EB. His real name? I still have no clue!! At this moment he is the one I openly express my flirtatious self. I have no idea how we met and when we started chatting but it feels like a long long time. 

My EB calls me BE, I asked him why BE? What does it mean? He said it is the opposite of EB. Yup, a simple answer that made me laugh. He comes up with the most amazing spellings, i.e. EB @ Ensem Boy! I wouldn't have thought the spelling in a million years! He makes me laugh with all the silly things we chat. Sometimes I call him sayang, it just comes naturally especially when I want to make a point...

I recall chatting with him when his mom was not well and when she moved on. The message he sent was one of the most memorable ones in my heart, he said something like "mom is on her way to met her maker". That message touched the core of me, I saw the beauty in departing this world, I felt it was so beautiful, when it is my time, I will be looking forward to finally meet the one I love and cherish most, my Upper walla.

I ask shamelessly for hugs n kisses from him. And he obliges without a wink. All this in chats but when we meet in person, we hardly even shake hands! I had told him a million thank yous...for letting me say "I love you". It is important for me to utter the words, least I forget I have a heart that is capable of love. I sometimes just want to believe someone out there still takes the trouble to listen to me and says he loves me too. 

My EB, you don't have to be next to me, you just have to be my virtual friend, a friend who entertains my silly demands for hugs...

I am not sure if you understand how much it heals my lonely heart EB, by just saying 'I love you' before I sleep at night gives me so much comfort.

Thank you my EB. I love you...

A melt down

Had a melt down a couple of days back...

My eldest niece finally agreed to get married to her long time partner, they met when they were both in Lower Six, it is a 10 years relationship with lots of ups and downs and drama! I was happy for her. Last year I had a chat with her, told her it is okay if she doesn't want to get married but chose to live with her partner. I had to brainwash her mom, my sis in law, that it is okay to be in a committed relationship. Anyway, it was a joyful occasion for her and her now husband.

As for me, the usual happened. I was alienated by my second sister and her hubby. They made me feel I was not needed there and that I did not exist. I was truly hurt, I am used to be ignored but somehow it still affects me. Been learning to be detached to everyone, but somehow I still am looking for that sense of belonging.

I realized last night that they have successfully made me feel that I am orphaned and all alone in this world. That reality hit me hard...at that moment, I did not turn to my Upper-walla, I just started crying. I forgot I have Him in my life, I totally didn't reach out to Him. Made me think, I just wanted to wallow in self pity....that's my fault, entirely my fault. I have said over and over that I have my Krishna with me but when I really need Him, it was me who did not turn to Him.

Lesson I learnt from this drama, life is short, if people choose not to be in your life, you have to just walk away. Don't wait to be invited back. I have to just chose to live the way I want, if I have to be on this journey on my own, so be it. 

I have my Krshna and He has given me good friends, I am happy.

As a friend this morning said "Life is a journey, learning.. never a mistake"

When I first spoke to DW on Sunday night, he was blabbering away, asked him what is it that you are trying to tell me, he said he don't know how to make me feel better. My dear friends, all I want is acceptance, to love and be loved. Am just a simple girl looking to belong...and I found it, at least for now, I know I belong to myself and to my Upper-walla. I am His, wholeheartedly...

A good morning message for me from one of friends....

Each and everyone of us have our purpose to be living this life. God has created us specifically to go through this life the way He wants it to be. We just have to not forget how awesome we are!

Cheers to life, it is beautiful....

My Trichy Trip

A shopping trip to Trichy...

Went on Thursday and was back on Sunday, our mission was to buy sarees for my nephew's wedding. The bride followed with me and my sister. The bride's sister who was studying in Chennai joined us. So four ladies shopping...boy it was fun from the minute go!

Our bride didn't have a clue what she wanted, she went with a very open mind. We were in and out numerous shops, she tried on numerous sarees and she was spoiled for choice. It was at the end of the third day that she found her saree, a bright orange with pink combination. It looked stunning on her, we had a happy bride.

I went thinking of buying only two sarees for my niece and one for myself but as usual I ended up buying four sarees for myself, two for my niece,  six sarees to be given away. An excellent shopping spree!

One of the things I wanted to do was to go back to Vaithiswaran to find some answers. I got them. Now I am looking forward to my answer. I am praying everything will be great.

I came back to tell K-A I had enough of India...three trips within 5 months is a bit too much to digest.  All through my trip to Trichy, I was hooked with this song from Kaatru Veliyidai - Azhagiye marry me marry me.. 

Azhagiye ...

Marry Me Marry Me

Azhagiye

flirt with me

Get high with me

Azhagiye ...

I fell especially for these lines........

thuli kaalam kaetten
thuli kaadhal kaetten
thuli kaamam kaetten
maru uyire..

My Trichy trip was great, I had a lovely time, the girls (bride & sister) were fun to be with. Sree Renganatha temple was magnificant. And now I am waiting for my  destiny to come true.....

Mr Singh

There's a Mr Singh at work....

I have a part time lecturer teaching Law at my work place. A nice friendly and rather chubby guy. He is sweet and that was all I noticed about him. Recently, my colleagues noticed that Mr Singh finds ways to come to my room and gets all chirpy and smiley when he talks to me. Once I entered the lift with some others and he was already in the lift and was about to come out, he stayed on and just chatted until I came to the ground floor and he went up again! The others starting laughing and they started teasing me and there I was totally denying playing any part in that drama! 

Well, yesterday, it was ponggal celebration at work and I made kesari. Mr Singh came late and when he went to the buffet table, someone said I made the kesari. He took so many pieces and came to my room and ate them. My colleague was here, the moment Mr Singh came, she left, and later said "I didn't want to come between you and Mr Singh". 

Baby Singh

Mr Singh and I had a good chat, first time we talked more about our families. His mom was born in Shanghai and moved to Hong Kong, thus, his mom side, are still there and Hong Kong for him is like his second home. His dad was born in Punjab but was working in Malaysia. He went back to Punjab and married his mom who came to Punjab to get married too. They then moved to Malaysia and raised their family here. We discovered that we enjoy travelling and Mr Singh has traveled quite a bit too.

Our conversation was interrupted when my staff started teasing him for being too long in my room. You see Mr Singh is fair and he turned red when he realised he was being teased. Me? I just laughed.

Office romance? We shall wait and see.....

I wish...

How I wish I can just pick the phone and call someone ....

At this moment, all I want is to call you - yes you, who does not exist yet in my world. My tummy is hurting today and I don't feel well and what is sad is, I have no one I can tell/manja with. All I want is to go home, have someone make me hot tea and pamper me silly.

Little things that I wish for: for someone to drive the car, for someone to hold my hand crossing the road, for someone to help me decide what to eat, for someone to go for a movie with or a wedding to attend together or for a short holiday... Most married couple won't even think these things are important, it is, especially when you feel all alone in this world.

I went out for lunch with a couple of beautiful, married ladies. They were curious to know why am I in the mode to get married..I told them am looking for someone to chat and wake up in the morning to, that's when one of the chirped in, I am looking for a companion.

Right this moment, am just looking for someone to manja me. That's all I am wishing for....

A new year

It is 2018 and my 10th year of blogging...

I am amazed with myself for writing all these years, it is really therapeutic, this is my escape, I am free to feel here...talk about anything I want and not expecting any response. This is my sanctuary, the place I go when I need to hear my thoughts and understand my feelings, this is my retreat... 

A year in review for 2017, it was a good year, of course there was drama but I think I handled it rather well. It made me realize alot of things, first of all, always think of yourself first, everyone else comes after me.

Met a couple of new people, one guy who made me aware that I am ready to move on. And he is the inspiration of my 2nd resolution for this year, i.e. to be married. My first resolution is to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I enjoy my gym time and have not been doing it for almost a month now. Shall motivate myself to spend time in gym, at least an hour each day.

My 3rd resolution is to be a more 'Tamilachi" I know it sounds weird but I just want to explore further my heritage, so first step, I am wearing bangles and kolusu, not that I know if doing this makes me more Tamil but I feel that way, so yes, why not. Next step will be to learn a character everyday and to converse fully a sentence in Tamil.

Made two trips to India and both were amazing journeys, my first solo trip to Tirumala was totally divine. A girl can't ask more than this. Kashmir with the group was fun, meeting Irfan was an icing on the cake. Ended the year on a very happy note.

My friendship got stronger with many, especially with Dimple walla, we had our usual chats and some things never change and all that I look for in him is just chats and the ability to seek advice. My morning chats with my 'boss' is something I look forward to everyday. New friendships and old friends keeps my life going, there's something I look forward to everyday.

Every year end, Han will ask me this question " Will I marry a guy who loves me more or marry a guy I love more". My answer has always been the guy I love more. But this year, my answer surprised me, it was neither. I told her I will marry the guy I am able to chat with and who respects me and vice versa. I am not sure what is love or whether it exists but I know I care for people, is that love I am not sure.

Anyway, my Upper walla showed me something this morning, it came from a song... Katrin Mozhi..

Kaatru Veesum bothu Thisaigal Kidayaathu

when the wind blows, there's no direction

Kaadhal Pesum bothu Mozhigal Kidaiyaathu

when love talks, there's no language

Pesum Vaarthai Pola Mounam Puriyaathu

like you can understand spoken words, you can't understand silence 

Here's wishing all my three resolutions will be ticked off by my review of 2018 next year. Here's to a beautiful year, with lots of great memories and beautiful moments each day...

The day I fall in love...

I spent my weekend in KL....

Well, I did not fall in love over the weekend, it was far from that. It was actually a date, he had asked me over many times and I was not really into it. Somehow the weekend before that I decided to get my flight tickets and just go down, why not was the question in my head. K-A said, give it a try, meet people to get to know them, take the step....and yes, I took the step.

It was a pleasant weekend, I enjoyed the quiet time when he went to work. I just spent reading my book and once I was done with my book, I took one of his numerous books. I realized it has been sometime since I read two books in a day! (A reminder to myself: need to catch up with my reading). I cooked a simple lunch, waited for him to come back and we had lunch together. 

We started chatting, from 4pm till 3am. Numerous cups of coffee (for me) and tea (for him). The fruit cake I had baked came in handy while we chatted. What did we talk so much? About our past, our present and our future. While talking, my mind was assessing the situation, will I want to marry someone like him? He is a nice guy, listens to the small things I said. i.e. I told him I am still an old fashioned gal, still likes it for the guy to open the car door for me and buy me flowers etc. Well, I didn't get any flowers but he still opened the car door each time we went for a drive. 

He carries a big emotional baggage. He repeats the same issues over and over. I just listened, the man is rattling away, all I can do is listen. I noticed that I have the patience to listen, for him to complete what he has to say, sometimes probing him further to express himself. I summarized for him what he was telling me, tried to make him see what he is going through. I was being the teacher in me. My inference is this: I have a simple life; my close circle of friends are those I can trust very much; I have wonderful people in life who gives me good advice and feedback when I am facing any issues; I am happy with life; I have no regrets; I made my life choices and I don't complain about them; I have roughly charted how to lead my future and I leave it to God to guide me; I believe in God more than anyone else.

It was a reflective weekend. I did make a note to myself that some people have everything on their plate but still could not appreciate it. I am grateful for all that my Krishna has given me, I do have a blessed life. 

No one's life is perfect but I do love my imperfect life, it is rich and colourful, it is what made me who I am today.

Well, I did ask myself, was I looking for love? The answer was yes. Did I find love? The answer is no.  

I saw this on FB today, perhaps a message from my upper walla. I will know when I look into his eyes and that would be a first for me...the day I fall in love..