A new year

It is 2018 and my 10th year of blogging...

I am amazed with myself for writing all these years, it is really therapeutic, this is my escape, I am free to feel here...talk about anything I want and not expecting any response. This is my sanctuary, the place I go when I need to hear my thoughts and understand my feelings, this is my retreat... 

A year in review for 2017, it was a good year, of course there was drama but I think I handled it rather well. It made me realize alot of things, first of all, always think of yourself first, everyone else comes after me.

Met a couple of new people, one guy who made me aware that I am ready to move on. And he is the inspiration of my 2nd resolution for this year, i.e. to be married. My first resolution is to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I enjoy my gym time and have not been doing it for almost a month now. Shall motivate myself to spend time in gym, at least an hour each day.

My 3rd resolution is to be a more 'Tamilachi" I know it sounds weird but I just want to explore further my heritage, so first step, I am wearing bangles and kolusu, not that I know if doing this makes me more Tamil but I feel that way, so yes, why not. Next step will be to learn a character everyday and to converse fully a sentence in Tamil.

Made two trips to India and both were amazing journeys, my first solo trip to Tirumala was totally divine. A girl can't ask more than this. Kashmir with the group was fun, meeting Irfan was an icing on the cake. Ended the year on a very happy note.

My friendship got stronger with many, especially with Dimple walla, we had our usual chats and some things never change and all that I look for in him is just chats and the ability to seek advice. My morning chats with my 'boss' is something I look forward to everyday. New friendships and old friends keeps my life going, there's something I look forward to everyday.

Every year end, Han will ask me this question " Will I marry a guy who loves me more or marry a guy I love more". My answer has always been the guy I love more. But this year, my answer surprised me, it was neither. I told her I will marry the guy I am able to chat with and who respects me and vice versa. I am not sure what is love or whether it exists but I know I care for people, is that love I am not sure.

Anyway, my Upper walla showed me something this morning, it came from a song... Katrin Mozhi..

Kaatru Veesum bothu Thisaigal Kidayaathu

when the wind blows, there's no direction

Kaadhal Pesum bothu Mozhigal Kidaiyaathu

when love talks, there's no language

Pesum Vaarthai Pola Mounam Puriyaathu

like you can understand spoken words, you can't understand silence 

Here's wishing all my three resolutions will be ticked off by my review of 2018 next year. Here's to a beautiful year, with lots of great memories and beautiful moments each day...

The day I fall in love...

I spent my weekend in KL....

Well, I did not fall in love over the weekend, it was far from that. It was actually a date, he had asked me over many times and I was not really into it. Somehow the weekend before that I decided to get my flight tickets and just go down, why not was the question in my head. K-A said, give it a try, meet people to get to know them, take the step....and yes, I took the step.

It was a pleasant weekend, I enjoyed the quiet time when he went to work. I just spent reading my book and once I was done with my book, I took one of his numerous books. I realized it has been sometime since I read two books in a day! (A reminder to myself: need to catch up with my reading). I cooked a simple lunch, waited for him to come back and we had lunch together. 

We started chatting, from 4pm till 3am. Numerous cups of coffee (for me) and tea (for him). The fruit cake I had baked came in handy while we chatted. What did we talk so much? About our past, our present and our future. While talking, my mind was assessing the situation, will I want to marry someone like him? He is a nice guy, listens to the small things I said. i.e. I told him I am still an old fashioned gal, still likes it for the guy to open the car door for me and buy me flowers etc. Well, I didn't get any flowers but he still opened the car door each time we went for a drive. 

He carries a big emotional baggage. He repeats the same issues over and over. I just listened, the man is rattling away, all I can do is listen. I noticed that I have the patience to listen, for him to complete what he has to say, sometimes probing him further to express himself. I summarized for him what he was telling me, tried to make him see what he is going through. I was being the teacher in me. My inference is this: I have a simple life; my close circle of friends are those I can trust very much; I have wonderful people in life who gives me good advice and feedback when I am facing any issues; I am happy with life; I have no regrets; I made my life choices and I don't complain about them; I have roughly charted how to lead my future and I leave it to God to guide me; I believe in God more than anyone else.

It was a reflective weekend. I did make a note to myself that some people have everything on their plate but still could not appreciate it. I am grateful for all that my Krishna has given me, I do have a blessed life. 

No one's life is perfect but I do love my imperfect life, it is rich and colourful, it is what made me who I am today.

Well, I did ask myself, was I looking for love? The answer was yes. Did I find love? The answer is no.  

I saw this on FB today, perhaps a message from my upper walla. I will know when I look into his eyes and that would be a first for me...the day I fall in love..

My India Trip ..... again

My 2nd trip to India this year....

This time  a holiday planned in the beginning of the year. Six of us, K-A & mom, Han & Lean, Akka & I, are visiting North India. 

Irfan on the shikara

First stop Srinagar Kashmir. When I was planning the trip, I communicated with a number of travel agents. A couple of the agents were recommended by friends and a few I found online. I was narrowing down my options when I met Irfan. I booked an accommodation through Airbnb and Irfan responded immediately. He asked if I need any transportation etc. His emails' & Whatsapp messages were polite and not pushy. I liked him then. 

At the exit gate at the airport, he caught my eye. Nothing was said, he just took my bag and the rest followed us. The drive to the boathouse was nice. He showed us the old town and the new town. Boathouse was amazing! We had our very own butler who was sweet and very helpful and just pleasant. 

Our chauffeur was a funny chap. I asked his name and he replied Delicious! He thought I asked for the name of the apples we saw! Well, I told him I'm going to call him Delicious as that name just stuck in my memory and everyone started calling him the same too, including Irfan. 

Pahalgam

On the 2nd day we went to Pahalgam. It was an adventure riding on a horse to go to the hilltop. Lean and I got the most mischievous horses, they stop all the time to nibble on grass/roots. Our handler didn't know a word of English and I don't know a word of Kashmiri. Somehow we managed to communicate. He sang songs from movies when we pass by certain spots indicating the spots movies were shot.

Beautiful landscapes

The trip up the hill was fantastic. We reached the top to be welcomed by a field of yellow grass. It was just beautiful. The air was super cold. As we descended down hill, Lean and I were laughing and when my horse took a turn, he slipped on the mud and threw me off to the ground. I fell but didn't panic. Nothing felt broken. No bleeding but a bit of sting on my right leg. I did complete the journey all in one piece. When we reached at the finished line, tears started rolling. It finally sank in that I survived being thrown off a horse and I'm ok! My Krishna saved me.  

Dal lake....just mesmerizing

That night at the boathouse Irfan said we could not continue our journey to Ladakh. It snowed the night and roads are not accessible. Snow came early this year. Well, I had my plan B. So we decided to cancel the flight from Leh to Delhi and buy new tickets from Srinagar to Delhi. And we decided next day to visit Sonamarg. We saw white blanket of snow. It was so beautiful. While we were heading down it started snowing.... Purely an experience to everyone, we loved every second of our time in Kashmir. 

With Delicious and Irfan

That night, Irfan took us to his house. That was the moment I was so touched. His family welcomed us into their home, his is an extended family. The kids were entertaining, his mom was sweet, his grandmother adorable. I felt something in me of which I couldn't understand. I felt loved and humbled. Why I don't know... The following morning it was time to say goodbye. Everyone gave Khaliq a hug, he was a gem. He pampered us with tea and coffee and pakora and the incredible home cooked breakfast and dinner. It was time to say good bye to our home for the past 3 days..

We crossed Dal lake. Irfan went earlier to print the tickets. The rest were already in the car, I was out in the cold sorting out our tickets. Irfan went into the car to say bye to everyone. He gave his hand but we ended with a good hug. We both knew that was not right. The guys at the jetty saw us and we heard a sudden burst of excitement. Han noticed that too. I had to thank Irfan for taking care of us, for making sure we were safe. For welcoming us into his life. We told him earlier that we are going to adopt him as our son/nephew. He is just 27, a really good, sweet, responsible and well mannered chap. 

He asked me to come back. I said Inshallah I will be back in September. He said keep in touch even if you are not coming back so soon. I said I will. He has added me on Facebook...yes, I feel I have a family that I can go to in Kashmir.

K-A and I were talking about Irfan. She said she noticed the connection. She mentioned that Irfan and I bonded very well, she was waiting to see if I would hug him knowing that he is so pious and we were surrounded with so many of the local guys. I told K-A, it just felt right when we hugged. We all liked him and we are all missing our sweet boy.

Me waiting at Ajmeer Fort

We flew to Delhi, met Kapil, our guide/driver for the rest of our India trip. From Delhi, we went straight to Jaipur. It was late night when we reached our BnB. A really nice house with a great host. She's an internal designer whilst her hubby an architect. They designed their house. Every piece of furniture felt like they own the house. The lovely host made a wonderful and sumptuous breakfast for us. First stop was Ajmeer fort. I have been to this place 18 years back, nothing changed! I sat out waiting for others finish touring the fort. I looked at people, it was nice. No one disturbed me, the guides were not harassing anyone, not me too. Saw a bunch of Japanese students with 4 bodyguards, the bodyguards looked hunky! An old uncle asked if I wanted to share his prasad, I did take a bit from him. He was happy chatting in Hindi with me and my little knowledge of Hindi helped in communicating with him. I sat there for a good hour plus and was not bored even for a while. 

Han and me

We went to a few other places and did shopping too. I came across a lovely lovely Krishna....He was under the tree with Radha and the tree was full of peacocks....it was just amazing but alas too expensive for me. I was telling Krishna, why are you so expensive to bring home and told Him to find me as I wanted to bring Him home. I almost completed my shopping when I saw Him, my heart melted, I was completely in love with Him....yes, he is back with me...When I was paying my bill, a young chap gave me ladhoo....a very sweet moment as I received my Krishna in one hand and ladhoo in the other hand. The uncle asked if I can come over to the next shop as they just did the prayers for the opening of the new shop for his grandson. I said yes, we were their first customer. I bought a beautiful red saree, everyone bought something and it was sweet to see everyone encouraging and blessing the boy, he is just 20 years old, cute and polite!

Fatehpurshikri

From there we headed to Agra, stopped at Fatehpursikri. A lovely palace built by Akhbar the Great.I went along with the others eventhough I have been here. We were harassed as we were walking towards the palace by so many guides. Once we entered, a guide came to us, asked if I am from Malaysia, I asked how did he guess, he said he was 90% sure about me being Malaysian and another 10% African. I liked him, he was not pushy, he waited as I asked the others if it is ok we take him as our guide. Saleem, our guide, was very entertaining and a good photographer. He knew the tricks of taking photos at the right angle. Saleem was also very sweet, gives his hand out to me whenever I have to cross a stone, unfortunately, he just does not extend his hand for the others! 😊😉😉 

Our guide Saleem

Next we went to Taj Mahal, 3 of us ended up in MacD while the other 3 who has not been to Taj Mahal went in. In MacD, we were greeted with lots and lots of school kids...really tiny fellas. K-A told me later that when I walked to find a seat, the kids started turning their heads one after another to look at my back@tattoo....I was wearing a punjabi suit, so my back was visible and I completely forgot to cover my back! Kids were amused and amazed I guess. We left Agra to Delhi thereafter.

Dipping

Waiting for aarthi

We started our journey early in the morning to Haridwar/Rishikesh. Beautiful drive again. We were in Haridwar about 3pm. Took a dip in the river Gangga....it was so cold but after a while we got used to the temperature. Only 3 of us went in. A gentleman who was in the middle of the river was happily chanting his mantra when I wanted to go in. He extended his hands as he saw me fearing of slipping on the steps. I jolly took his hands and dipped blissfully in the river. We waited for the aarthi, it was beautiful. Everyone waited patiently with me, as this Haridwar/Rishikesh journey was for me. Tears rolled as I sang the aarthi song, the heart was happy, I made it!

One of the things I always wanted to see

The Magnificent Shiva 

Next day, we were off to Delhi and more sightseeing. 

I had a lovely trip. Good friends,good food, lots of laughter and simply a memorable trip. Han said I did some good karma to have found Irfan. He made our Kashmir trip truly memorable and heart warming.

Next trip to India in January, Trichy. Someone said, the way you go to India is like India is just next door!!

Perception

It was my drive home when I remembered something my uncle@mama@my mom's brother told me when I was a young girl....

We call our mom's brothers as mama in our culture. And I had three of them but only knew two of them as my eldest mama was not so close to his family. Well my second mama is a character too but at least a nice character as compared to the third mama.

Anyway, when I was very small, I was this dark skinned plumb little girl. My mama told me I wouldn't be successful and I won't be going anyway, literally I was a lost cause. Whereas he added my second sister will be well educated and go places, all coz she was fair skinned and of course she looked more presentable then me!

Well, fast forward 30++ years, here I am today, been around, doing something about myself, moderately educated but overall I am doing great. My second sister, she is doing great too. There's no difference in our achievements. We travel the world and both of us are professionals and doing well in whatever we are in. 

Conclusion, your skin colour and body size does not define who you are. It is your inner self that defines you, it is your belief system that defines you, it is your humanity that defines you. 

People just have this perception that being dark is bad and evil  and you see no success and etc. Lots of girls still believe in that too. My colleague is getting married soon and she is shopping for her saree. She asked me if this particular colour suits her as she has a darker shade of skin colour. I looked at her and assured her she will look fabulous in any colour she chooses as she is just beautiful and she can carry herself well. Her face just lighted up and it was a joy to see her happy.

I do wonder sometimes on what is wrong with people, why this perception? Why can't they see beyond the skin colour, deep inside we are all the same, we hurt the same, we laugh the same, we love the same...our skin colour does not make any difference!

Whatever colour you are: green, blue, brown, red, yellow, orange..... we, like the rainbow, make life beautiful....

To my mama who said those words to me, he moved on about five years back, he saw me grow up and conquering the world, not sure if he remembered what he told me as a child but I know I am living my colourful life to the fullest. His words did make an impact in my life for a moment, I was very young and I was finding myself but fortunately, his words didn't influence the choices I made in life. 

I created my path, I love my journey and along the way, I still do meet people who make assumption and have their perception but I am strong today to stand tall and say "hey, this is me, all of me".

My 2am chat with my Krishna

I couldn't sleep last night...

Tossed and turned for hours and listened to numerous songs but sleep evaded me for a long time. My usual conversation with Krishna before I hit the sack was "I love you Krishna" and I am flat out. Last night, we chatted, more like I talked and he listened.

I was reasoning to Him why I need someone in my life and the list goes like this:
   i. someone to love me
  ii. someone to give me a hug
 iii. someone to come home to
  iv. someone to tell how my day was
   v. someone to cook for
  vi. someone to go for a holiday with
 vii. someone to hold me  
viii. someone to wipe my tears away
  ix. someone to kill the bogey man
   x. someone to tell me I am not alone....

I dozed off when I was thinking reason number 11. Reflecting back, am I asking too much and being selfish for wanting someone for all the above given reasons. I mean honestly, I don't know what everyone is looking for in wanting/needing someone in their life but for me, my list seems so juvenile...

I wonder if there is someone out there making a list like mine and asking God why he needs a person in his life... 

Why now...

Why now.....

I read these words and it just melted my heart...
             When you arrived, I realized that 
                               Somewhere, I am still alive 
                               I have now started living the wind 
                               And the air that touches your face....

I am 46, yet I still believe in love. After all that I have been through, I am still amazed with myself for still hoping that there is someone out there who will walk into my life and say all these things. I must be either foolish or just crazy or may even be disillusioned...

I know I am living but I do wish I am alive...have almost lost it...

I do thank my Krishna for bringing people in my life...at least they give me comfort knowing I still exist.

Hamari Adhuri Kahani

A beautiful movie that made me cry thinking of my life...

It was a lovely Sunday, start of Purtassi. I woke up in the morning full of energy and started cleaning up the house, changed the pots and pans, washed my front, even the dogs had a bath. Done with all my chores, I was taking a break and tuned onto channel 108 Tara on Astro. They were showing this movie, Hamari Adhuri Kahani....Our Unfinished Story....

The story was about a lady, married with a son, husband missing for 5 years but she was waiting for him, though working to sustain her life and her son's, she was true to her marriage vows. It was more of a tradition and culture that bound her to her vows, not her love for her husband nor the respect for her partner. Five years he went missing, and she went on with life being a florist for a hotel. Her flower arrangements come from her heart and she puts love in all her flower arrangements. The new owner of the hotel walks in and he falls for the flowers...

The story was about how both of them found love and how she understood the meaning of love and marriage vows. He asks her to "come and drench this barren land of my heart". He professes that " A true love story has no end" ...he sings "If paradise is here, why don't I see you.." The movie was sweet....it was about second chances....it was about what is important now, not what society expects from you, not what tradition expects from you...


The struggles she had to remove her mangala sutra was real. Meeting another person or allowing another person into her life was real...it is not easy to break away from what you have always been taught or what you always thought that this is the only way one should live life..

I started crying at the end of the movie, is there really a second chance in love? Is love so possessive? My question to myself was, am I still hoping? Hoping for what? That's a very important question I couldn't find an answer...hoping for what? A better tomorrow? But isn't my today good now and my tomorrow seems on the right path? It has to be love then, it has to be the sense of being part of someone's life, to love and to be loved...

I cried till I realized sometimes things are just not meant to be.... love was just not meant to be in my life..