It was father's day yesterday and I miss my Appa....
The one person who totally accepted me as who I am and never once told me to be otherwise was my appa. He just knew I was different, different from the others, he knew I was the rebel, the one who talked too much, the one who keeps asking all kinds of questions and also the one who showed my emotions openly.
Everyone will say their appa is the best appa and I am never ever going to refute that coz that is the truth. My appa was special in his own way too. That man had patience like a saint! of which non of his children inherited!
I honestly wish I could have done more for him. I didn't have the chance. He left too soon. I just started working and was also still studying, money was something that I didn't have. I never took him for a holiday, not for any fine dining...noting much. Today, when I am able to do all these, he is not here and how I wish I can do something for him...
I was reading all the father's day wishes on fb and all the advertisements and what not, and that made me more sad. As I am writing this, I am crying, I miss him yes, but I think there's more behind these tears. I wish you are here appa, I wish I have a chance to tell you I love you, I wish I can tell you what is in my mind, I wish we can go for our drives, I wish we can eat durians, I wish I can show who I am now....
Would you be happy of who I am today appa? Would you be proud to call me your daughter? Would you still love me knowing all the mistakes I have done in life? Would you approve of my choices in life?
Appa, please stop my tears....
A morning message that made me sad...
I received a message from my former colleague this morning. My ex staff lost his baby, his wife who was also an ex colleague of mine carried the baby full term, she's due next week and last night their doctor could not hear the baby's heart beat.
This is sad... I kept repeating the word that I am sad... I just don't know what else to say.
Losing a child is never easy. I once read, it is easier for a child to bury her parents but not for parents to bury their child. I remember now how my grandfather was when both his sons died before him. He was so devastated, my grandmother was uncontrollable. My dad was their eldest son, he came into their lives after 10 years of marriage and my uncle came along 10 years later. A very small and loving family. When my uncle died first, my grandparents still had my dad but alas a year plus later, my dad passed away. It was a difficult moment for all of us. I was mourning and grieving for my dad but at the same time, we had to see my grandmother crying for her son. My grandfather was more composed, actually, I can't recall much of my grandfather that day.
When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather did the final rites, I was next to him, holding his hands when he was doing the rites. It was really really sad. And I cried that day not for my grandmother but for my grandfather for losing his sons and his wife of 71 years. That's a long time to have been together with someone. My grandfather passed away a year after my grandmother.
I asked my brother, did you realize we lost the core family, appa's family. My wise brother looked at me and said, no, we are still part of that family, we are their legacy.
Life.
For my friends EK & PS, my prayers for your little angel. He is with God now. You gave him life, but God gave him rest. Be happy with God little one. Uncle Syd will be playing with you...
I am changed...
Was chatting with my sister yesterday. I passed her details last week about my colleague's brother who is looking for an alliance, the girl being my brother in law's niece. Everyone was excited, girl is good la, the boy is nice la, the poruthum is matching la, so on and so forth. Then investigation of the family began, my uncle found out about the boy's dad's profession and they deemed it is from a lower caste. My sister promptly called me and said, please tell your colleague the 'deal' is off. I asked her on what basis is it off? What to tell my colleague?, for that my sister said, just say something.
I then asked my sister a couple of question. First I wanted her to tell me if she is happy married to a guy from a 'good caste'. Second, I asked her, why are we still saying we are civilized people when we behave such. It made me upset and angry. I told her a person's stature has got nothing to do with his caste, it is about him/her, their attitude, their humility, their compassion....it is not their caste that makes them who they are.
I called K to tell her what happened and she asked why am I so upset....
I grew up in a house whereby this caste thing has been ingrained and indoctrinated in our minds since the day we were born and it went on in our growing years. We were made to believe we were better then others, the arrogance and the 'I am higher than thou' attitude was paramount in my family...not just my immediate family but with my extended families too. I can't change much about my grandparents nor their parents mindset, at least I know my dad was a bit more open about this caste thing but not my mom. But, today, though I came from that surrounding, I have changed but I can't say the same about my siblings though.
Time has changed, it was hard for me to break out, I thought it was not possible for me to do that, coz, if you had asked me if I could marry a guy from a different caste then mine, I might have said no, or taken a longer time to answer but deep inside I know I can't do it. The message was too deep to undo. But it is not impossible, I know it now. Yesterday was a revelation for me, I understand a bit more of myself, I know I can change, and I am not bothered about what my family would say or think of me. This is me, I accept people, regardless their age, gender, sexual orientation, skin colour and finally I can add that I can accept people regardless their caste.
Krishna, thank you for opening my heart. I am only in control of myself. Ask me now if I would marry a guy from a different caste, my answer is yes, a firm yes, without a doubt. This is me, this gives meaning to my life, to my existence, this is me acknowledging my arrogance...at least a small part of my arrogance, I have still have more to go and a long way to go. God created us all equal, if we say we believe in God and we have faith in Him, then, why do we treat indifferently to other caste? God didn't create him? Man made all the rules, and we are so blind to yet follow these man made rules.
Guide me my Krishna....
A Mani Ratnam movie on a Saturday night...
V asked if I am keen for a movie, well, why not as I do love Mani Ratnam's movies. I think I knew the name Mani Ratnam first in his Telugu movie Geethanjali when I was in Upper Six. It was a beautiful movie with wonrderful songs and I became a fan thereafter! I do make a point to watch all his movies, I loved Mouna Ragan, Roja, Ravana among many others.
Last Saturday was his latest movie, Kaatru Veliyidai, a romantic movie taken in Srinagar and Ladakh,Kashmir. It was simply stunning, the winter, the spring, beautiful landscape and scenery... I am truly excited as I will be heading there with the others in November. I am not sure whether I hope it snows by then or just pleasantly cold, whatever the temperature is going to be, I am sure it is going to be spectacular.
Well back to the movie, it was a good movie, good acting, I just wish the dialogues would have had been better. I think it is about time Mani Ratnam changes the way his hero is characterized, they seem to be the same movie after movie.
 |
| Arvindswamy & Madhu |
 |
| Madhavan & Shalini |
 |
| Karthi & Aditi |
 |
| Nagarjun & Girija |
Oh ya, just when the movie was about to begin, a gentleman sat next to me and that was when I told myself that I need to post this on the blog. It was the gentleman, I think he didn't shower, the moment he sat, V asked me the question, I almost wanted to laugh.
It made me realize that everyone in the cinema was sitting so close to each other, just like in a flight. If you stink, then the people next to you have to endure the pain for all the hours you are going to be there... that is not a punishment we deserve for no fault of ours!
Anyway, I lived through the ordeal of sitting next to the guy, hopefully for the next movie he goes to, he would shower first!!
Next time for movie, better be clean, God knows who is going to sit next to you and only god knows what is going through their mind...
My 46th birthday today....
Woke up this morning to a message from my dear Ms L. She sent me my first birthday greetings at 4.36am! God knows why she woke up that early la.
It's about lunch time as I am writing this entry. So many wishes and hugs and messages from family & friends, far and near. What more can a girl ask??
As I am sitting here, looking out at the magnificent view of the sea and the cruise liner, made me think how blessed my life is. It is a good life...Krishna has blessed me...lots...
I am just thinking, could it be this is my first year without me getting a teddy bear as a birthday gift? My first bear, named conveniently or aptly Teddy was given to me by appa on my 7th birthday, He woke me up at 6.40am, that's my time of birth if you had asked why 6.40am, to give me Teddy and well Teddy has been next to me since then. He is a bit torn and tattered no doubt but he is very much loved.
Ever since Teddy, I have received so many bears that I have lost count of the number of bears in my collection. Should be reaching 200++ I think. Well, a quick count of the bears and softtoys in my office room...15 and I have a feeling I will be adding on to the collection. My passion with my bears...well they have always listened to me whenever I needed someone to listen to me without being judged. My bears helped me with my fear of thunders and lightnings when I was young. They helped me to thwart away the fear of being alone. These bears are part of what defines me...the listening ears, the soft cuddly companions, the comforters on lonely nights....
My life.....my bears.....
"Are you a true Hindu?"
My colleague dragged me to health check organised by someone in the college. I went along thinking that's going to be a legit examination but I was met by a lady who was promoting her supplements, sigh, this has got nothing to do with health talk la!
Anyway, she was very interested in me, who won't be, I am such a good subject to sell any slimming products. The problem was, the lady could not sell me her product, she was not able to convince me with her supplements.
We were having a good conversation when she asked me "are you a true Hindu?" I looked at her and asked her to repeat her question, and yes, she said again, "are you a true Hindu?" I asked her, do you mean to ask me if I am a true Tamilian, she said no, I am asking if you are a true Hindu. I again asked her, are you asking me about my religion or race?
Honestly, I have never been asked if I am a true Hindu. I don't know what it actual means though. Is there any definition who is a Hindu? I believe in my Krishna, I trust in the power of prayers, I beleive in karma, I believe in reincarnation....but all that, does all that make me a true Hindu?
I am the one who eats beef among all other living things, I drink, I welcome open relationship....does all that make me not a true Hindu?
 |
| Aum, the ancient symbol |
Whatever the lady meant on that day, triggered my journey to understand who is a true Hindu. My knowledge in Hinduism is minimal. I was born in a family who believes in Vinagar, Muruga, Krishna, Shivan, Lakshmi, Saraswathy...and others....and yes, my parents followed rituals they inherited from their parents and I am doing some of the rituals now too. I always liked the freedom in worshiping my "God" the way I want to. There's no fixed mantras nor how many times I have to pray in a day to make me feel I belong to the religion....Hinduism, the way of life....sanathana dharma, , my eternal duty to God. My question always has been, what is my purpose in this world, what is it that God wants me to do? What is my duty? I am still looking for the answers...
Oh yes, back to the lady, when I asked her why is she asking me the question, she told me that the way I speak is different. Oh lord, what now la? How is that my believe in my Maker makes me talk differently from others, especially when I was only talking about diets and exercises!! The lady really made me ponder that evening on what has become to mankind. Do we simply use words without understanding them? Are we that oblivious of whatever we say?
I do have to thank the lady for triggering my brain cells to read more about who is a Hindu. This would be an interesting journey. Imagine, turning 46 and looking for affirmation of my faith.
Krishna, lead the way please.....
It was a beautiful wedding...
I decided not to be a drama queen on the wedding day. I decided to be happy and I was happy...it was a joyous occasion. The crowd was amazing, lots of chatting and hugging.
I saw him walking in and he had the biggest smile ever seeing me. Yes, my heart skipped a beat, my darling crush, how I wanted to give you a hug...I only managed to talk to him for a short while, was busy looking after the guests. He was as usual sweet and charming and dashing...oh how I wish I could be in his arms!!! I just wanted to tell him everything that is happening in my life at this moment and I want him to comfort me and take me away from all this drama...
Well, back to the wedding scenario, I had aunties & uncles asking where is my husband and kids...I got tired telling them I don't have a husband nor kids. I was hoping then, God, please send me someone, I shall then introduce him as my partner and get done by it. The more I think about it, the more it sounds enchanting...a partner!
My childhood friend was there, lucky his wife could not make it...I had more time to chat with him without feeling the wife going to tear me apart! It was good to catch up with my cousins too..
My Ah Leng was a pleasant surprise, said I looked nice and told me to be careful with my jewels! My typical Ah Leng :) I was lucky to have different set of friends who could mingle with each other and everyone was trying to keep one another company.
Abhi was such a sweetheart...I do believe she likes me :) She was happily playing with me, was laughing in the car when we went for a drive, was playing "what is it" at night and was chatting at the wedding. She can run now! And she can talk, says lots of things, of course nothing much I can understand la but I know for a fact she can say "whatsit"...that I am guessing she picked it up from her patti. And my dear sister, her grandmother, is teaching her how to beat!!
Though I was happy for the married couple, somehow, I missed my brother very much. He would have been so happy to see his youngest daughter married and entering into a new chapter of her life. Sending my niece back to her husband's house was emotional for both her mom and me. We were the only two people who teared when we hugged her. I know this house will always be her grandparents house and the door is always open for her and her husband but somehow, it is just not the same....
Well, two married and two more to go.....
