Why did I?

I have a couple of why did I in a span of 36 hours......

I am still wondering why did I call him and only him to convey my new year greetings. It was my crush, he was the first to send me a new year greetings and all I did was to call him and wish him and his family...why did I do that? Later in the evening, I wrote a sweet note to him, telling him how his smile assures me....why? Why was it so important for me to talk to him instead of all the other people in my life? Why was he the only person I called to wish personally when all the others was just a text?? Hmmmm.....have to remind myself not to get hurt...

Last night, why did I look for Kutty? It has been a while since I wanted to talk to him but last night at 3am, I just want to send him a message, to wish him for a brighter 2017. I was not expecting a reply from him but knowing that I wished him was enough for me. I did look for his photo, I have none, it is not like I would have forgotten how he looks, but that split moment, I just had to see him...it was that smile, the smile that made me comfortable, the smile that assured me all is well....now I know why did I search for his photo high and low on the net..

It is clearer now...my crush...its the smile that I miss so much,...

Sometimes, it is easier not to think why did I do what I did......somethings are meant to just be as it is...

The Baptists

A family that brought me into their life...

K-A was my student, she was a matured student in her late 30s in a class of young 20 something kids. The first day I saw her, she looked so lost and when I asked her if she's ok, she just smiled and said she will be from now on. That is how our friendship developed.

I had a very strong boundary with my students. I do have a good relationship with them but I personally don't want to be close to any one of them while they are still in my class.

K-A and I just hit it off, we can talk to each other, we only had a 3 year age gap between us and thus, we had the same mind set. We could talk and advise and eventually everyone in my house knew her and vice versa.

When she went to KL, I became closer to her parents, chatting with them, taking them out for dinner etc. They were very joyful people, uncle especially. It was easy to mingle with them.

This year, it was special, I was invited over for new year celebration, it was just the 3 of them and another old couple for dinner. We did bbq and aunty made lots n lots of other stuff to makan.

I truly enjoyed the tradition of saying prayers almost to midnight, welcoming the new year by thanking God and saying our blessings...it was then, I told them how I miss my parents very much and how this family makes me feel loved. It was indeed a blessing not spending my new year's eve alone....there was so much love in the house. It was wonderful to get warm hugs, it brought warmth to the heart and filled it with joy. I will cherish this friendship and here's toasting for many more happy moments in life with them.

Krishna, bless my extended family too.....

2016

What can I say...

It has been a good year though I started 2016 loosing someone very dear to me. You will always be remembered Syd...you made us all realize how fragile life is.

A week after loosing a friend, I gained a cute little granddaughter, my nephew's first baby. The 1st on the next generation in our family. That was such joy. I was amazed on the emotions, loosing a friend and gaining a new life....God showing his splendour.

Travelling a bit this year, lots of drives from KL to Penang and back to KL. Sri Lanka and New Zeland, 2 very beautiful islands. Totally different cultures but with the same beautiful hearts. It was a pleasure to see the smiling faces, people are the same no matter where you are.

Changing jobs...wow...that was something too. Walking out from work and looking for a new job was a bit too much. I had my overgrown ego to feed, it was good to change and the impulsive me had to do it as my heart desired. I didn't think much....I never do!

It was a blessing too. I think Krishna wanted me to get out from my comfort zone. Going to KL was a good thing. It was an experience working with them, half the time I was left thinking what on earth am I doing here. Receiving the call from my present employer was a total surprise. A chance for me to come back home. The offer was good, I know it was a blessing from God.

Crushes...only one this year, a guy who made me want to be in his arms, who floored me with his smile and made me value life more...yes, it has been a great year!

Back in Penang, a breathtaking view of the ocean from my office room, back with my friends and family and my 2 monsters...... a perfect end of my 2016. 

My biggest accomplishment this year...I smiled and laughed more than I cried. That is what my resolution for every year....to be happy and merry and to enjoy life to the fullest. To be myself and not to compromise what I belief in! To 2016, I bow down and thank you and for 2017, lets rule the world!! 

George Michael

He made my life beautiful...

George Michael has always been a great singer for me. Till now, my utmost number one song in my life is Careless Whisper. I have no idea why the song has so much impact in my life, but it does. When I woke up yesterday morning and read that George Michael has left. my tears just started rolling...

Some people can touch our souls without them knowing it at all. Of course he is just another guy out there but this is the guy who fed my soul with beautiful songs. This is the guy who kept me company over the nights I was burning the midnite oil. This is the guy who gave me Faith, I can't make you love me, Last Christmas and many more. This was the guy who made me fall for all the other unshaven guys. This was the guy who adorned my door with his poster....He was part of my growing years....we grew together and today he is gone, a bit too soon...

Rest in Peace George Michael. You will be missed. Thank you for the music in my heart....

Faith

Well I need someone to hold me but I will wait for something more....

A song lyric from George Michael that holds so much of truth. I have always walked on the 'Faith', 'Loyalty' card but more and more I realize that many don't have the same belief system in life.

These are not bad people, these are not those who wants to wreck their own marriage or another's...it just happens, they say it just happens. I have my strong belief that this does not just happen but over the years, I have nothing to comment on it.

I have stopped asking how come and why do they do it. I am just accepting that it happens and it is happening and it is a choice. We choose how we want to see things, how we want to confront it, how we want to endure it...it is a choice, at least it is a choice for me.

I listen to their reasons but at the end of the day, I don't hear what they say coz I tell myself, it is not my life, it is not my choice, it is not what I need to know.

Faith is all I have now. I have my Faith in my Krishna, He knows best what to do with me. Of course I am still hoping for someone to walk into my life and accept me as I am.....Krishna, I am handing over to you ....

Sayings

These were sent to me by a very good friend and I tot of treasuring them...How so true these words are...how often do we wait for someone/something to live our life for... As I mentioned in my earlier post...I am making myself  to live my life to the fullest now....

I know this too...I let too many moments pass by me without seizing them.....

Promises made to me or by me to someone are not kept...why make them in the first place?

Ahhhhh..... a classic theory...and I m so so so guilty of this....crying for those who never cared and caring for those who will never cry for me.....but then again, this is just me!

My choices these days when I wake is simple....smile, laugh and be merry....nothing else!

I agree...those who know me, knows me well enough on why I did what I did, on why I think the way I think, on how I crazy I can be....and those who do not know me tend to pass judgement on me but nowadays I am ignoring them all as I know, I can't make everyone understand me and the truth is there is no reason for me to make them understand me either...

My Crush

I just wanted to walk into his arms...

I have known him since my younger days. My memories of him is playing as young kids. We were kind of neighbours. We have bumped into each other over the years and it was just a nod or a smile here and there.

It took a funeral last year for us to start chatting... He was funny, I never knew that, and I think he found me amusing. It was comfortable and that was it.

About a month back when I met him, my heart skipped a beat. He stood there waiting for me, smiling, and all I wanted to do was to get into his arms. He gave me a sense of comfort, security and his smile just assured me that everything is ok...

It's been long since I felt the sense of security from anyone....somehow this guy gave me that. I am not sure at all what he thinks about me or whether he even thinks of me but it is just comforting to know that I can always see his smile and feel assured.

To my crush, yes, I do wish I am in your arms right now....