A dark past

 A dark past that came back to haunt me...

I had to face my biggest demon last year. A phone call late at night shattered whatever peace I was trying to find in my life. I had been trying so hard all these years to forget and look past the events of my life.

I was a victim of sexual abuse. It is was not easy then, it is still not easy now.

I am sitting here thinking how to write this, as I am not able to put my pain into words. This post is meant to be a year of reflection but my heart says this is the moment of my reflection of my life...I am trying...trying...I know I can do this. I started writing this post since the beginning of the year but each time I want to continue writing, I find it is really difficult to move on.

I was barely 10 years old when the abuse started and it went on for over 2 years. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening, no one would have believed me. The abuser is someone very well liked by everyone, a 'gentleman' but for me he was a monster inside out. I am not being dramatic here, this is honestly how I feel. 

When I hear people talk about child abuse, the statements were always..."why didn't she tell anyone?" "She could have told someone; but she was always cheerful; are you sure she knows what she is saying...." and the list continues...

Let me say this: there is no way I can tell anyone, first coz I don't want to break my dad's heart, I don't want him to be sad for me, I thought it would have killed my dad if he knew. Secondly, I know my mom and the others won't believe me, they would have said I am just creating stories, no one would blame the abuser, he knew how to pretend.

I came up with ways to kill myself and every time, I will stop, I don't want appa to find me like that. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for God to take my life. I hated to be in the same room with him, I hated every moment he spoke, I hated my life, I hated my body, I hated every single moment I breathed. 

I am crying now, it is over 40 years, I am crying...I feel dirty all over...

He died last year, and when I got the news, I just wanted him to burn in hell. I was so angry, never have I ever been that angry in my life. I want him to suffer, I had so much hatred, so much anger, so much pain. I cannot tell here how angry I was that day.

I thought I had made peace with myself, I thought I had buried the past. 

I didn't.

I had buried the anger, the hurt, the pain. I was dealing with other issues in my life, I was dealing with my mom issue, with my ex issue...I just didn't want to dig out the memories I had buried on the abuse issue.

My tears stopped now, the anger is back, I am blaming myself...

I called SB a few days after I got the news that abuser is no more around. SB knew about this, I had told him about this long time back. And I cried uncontrollably. I told him I could not control my anger, I told him I could not forgive this person, I told him, I am hurting so much I can feel my heart breaking. I told him I want to hurt this person, I wanted to stab him over and over and I want to destroy him as he had destroyed my life, my peace, my happiness...SB just waited for me to rant, to cry. I told SB I am not me, this is not who I am,  I don't know how to handle this, I told him I hate hate...I told him I couldn't control my anger, it is just eating me up.

SB waited till I was done crying and was ready to listen...he told me to stop blaming the little girl who went through this incident, he told me the little girl was helpless, he told me it is not the little girl's fault, he told me the little girl did nothing wrong to deserve this punishment.

I did what I could do as a 10 year old girl. I could only think of my appa....no one else mattered in this world then..

My emotions is all over the place at this moment, but, I am not angry, I don't have hatred in my heart now, I am asking myself why am I crying then? It is reliving the past, a past that was not pleasant, a past that was so painful...

The little girl 40 years ago was scared to face her demon, but the 50 year old me today, is standing tall and I am telling the world....I am fine, I am beautiful, I am brave, I am happy and most importantly I love myself.

I am looking out at the window now and all I can say is...thank you Krishna!