Events over the past couple of days made me rethink what is my goal in life. I am slowly but surely loosing the will to go on. A couple of months back I had this fear that I am going to leave this world and there's not going to be anyone with me but this couple of days, I am just praying that I won't wake up anymore. I sound like a drama queen but sometimes when people make you feel you are an option in their life, you loose it all.
And there is nothing to look forward to.
I have gone through life lots... but I have taken everything with a positive attitude. I see everything as a lesson to learn. I have changed so much over the years, my arrogance, my ignorance, my superiority complex, I learned to correct myself, am still learning to be humble, learning to understand how others might feel. I learned that everyone is going through something in life and I have no idea what their journey is about and I told myself not to be a pain or obstacle in others' journey.
I am still subjected to some form of hurt once in a while. I have made myself stronger, stronger to block people and hurt away. I have learnt to deal with negative energy, walk away from confrontations, stopped being the problem solver and the peace keeper. It became too much to care for others, making sure everyone is happy and being the one who listens to everyone. K gave me a good analogy last night, she said that I have lots of love and affection to give away for my family but day by day the level is dwindling and I don't have anyone to help me to replenish the love. K is right. Of course the idea is to love without any expectation but I need to be recharged as well.
I thank my Krishna for all the support I get from my friends. I would have gone crazy without them. At least I know I can depend on my friends for love and care and for them to understand me. My friends take the time to listen to me, to comfort me, and love me as I am. These are all people whom my Krishna has sent to me...
But I also see people, my family to be precise, who are oblivious about what they have done to others, people who intentionally hurt other people's feelings, I should avoid people like this but my world is tangled with theirs...unless, yes, unless I leave them all and head towards sanyasam...My question has always been why do people hurt others? How & why do you find happiness when someone else is miserable? It won't take much for the misery to hit you back and there is always karma.
It is a choice I make not to intentionally hurt another person.
I am conscious of what I say or do and yet I do find myself at times being arrogant and getting angry, yes, time to examine myself. Life is to be respected. No one is higher or lower or better or worse than us. We are all following our path, our journey, the best we can.
Well, what is my new journey then? I have decided to go on a healthy lifestyle. Back to my rigorous regime of exercising and swimming and controlling what I eat. The target this time is to loose 40kg by the end of the year. I have done it once, I can do it again. I am going to write about my journey, make it my goal, something to look forward and get excited about. Something to focus on...
I know what is my issue nowadays, I have no focus, no goal, nothing to achieve nor look forward too....and that is about to change...
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