My new journey

I am going to embark on a new journey in life..

Events over the past couple of days made me rethink what is my goal in life. I am slowly but surely loosing the will to go on. A couple of months back I had this fear that I am going to leave this world and there's not going to be anyone with me but this couple of days, I am just praying that I won't wake up anymore. I sound like a drama queen but sometimes when people make you feel you are an option in their life, you loose it all.

And there is nothing to look forward to. 

I have gone through life lots... but I have taken everything with a positive attitude. I see everything as a lesson to learn. I have changed so much over the years, my arrogance, my ignorance, my superiority complex, I learned to correct myself, am still learning to be humble, learning to understand how others might feel. I learned that everyone is going through something in life and I have no idea what their journey is about and I told myself not to be a pain or obstacle in others' journey.

I am still subjected to some form of hurt once in a while. I have made myself stronger, stronger to block people and hurt away. I have learnt to deal with negative energy, walk away from confrontations, stopped being the problem solver and the peace keeper. It became too much to care for others, making sure everyone is happy and being the one who listens to everyone. K gave me a good analogy last night, she said that I have lots of love and affection to give away for my family but day by day the level is dwindling and I don't have anyone to help me to replenish the love. K is right. Of course the idea is to love without any expectation but I need to be recharged as well.

I thank my Krishna for all the support I get from my friends. I would have gone crazy without them. At least I know I can depend on my friends for love and care and for them to understand me. My friends take the time to listen to me, to comfort me, and love me as I am. These are all people whom my Krishna has sent to me...

But I also see people, my family to be precise, who are oblivious about what they have done to others, people who intentionally hurt other people's feelings, I should avoid people like this but my world is tangled with theirs...unless, yes, unless I leave them all and head towards sanyasam...My question has always been why do people hurt others? How & why do you find happiness when someone else is miserable? It won't take much for the misery to hit you back and there is always karma. 

It is a choice I make not to intentionally hurt another person. 

I am conscious of what I say or do and yet I do find myself at times being arrogant and getting angry, yes, time to examine myself. Life is to be respected. No one is higher or lower or better or worse than us. We are all following our path, our journey, the best we can.

Well, what is my new journey then? I have decided to go on a healthy lifestyle. Back to my rigorous regime of exercising and swimming and controlling what I eat. The target this time is to loose 40kg by the end of the year. I have done it once, I can do it again. I am going to write about my journey, make it my goal, something to look forward and get excited about. Something to focus on...

I know what is my issue nowadays, I have no focus, no goal, nothing to achieve nor look forward too....and that is about to change...

OK Kanmani

Someone is calling me Kanmani these days and it brings a bright & wide smile to my face each time without fail..

W appeared in my world rather recently and I enjoy my chats with him. It is easy to talk to him, there's no expectations and its a pleasant conversation all the time with him. Somehow he started calling me Kanmani, Poomani, Ponmani ...hahaha...it is sweet la and I don't mind the names..

Last weekend was in KL and had the chance to be with the little one. She was so cute, came to me and was okay being with me without her mother. She was watching Prabhu Deva's songs and had a beautiful smile on her face and yes, she was dancing to the Devi song and the little girl just turned one a week before that...

Well, when it was time for her to go home, her mom asked her to give me a kiss, and I received a big & wet kiss....the biggest and; wettest kiss ever and I loved it. I cupped her face and said "ok Kanmani, I love you" and kissed both her cheeks. She smiled so much that my nephew and his wife was so surprised to see her reaction.

Well, I am guessing now that the word Kanmani is a universal tool to bring out a huge smile in a soon to be a 46 years old lady and just turned one year old girl...how simple it is to make someone happy..

Thank you W for calling me Kanmani and for the lovely chat and sharing sessions..I know why my Krishna brought you into my life...you are here now at this moment to teach me how to smile again... as I am forgetting how to these days...

Rasaali

The song at the moment in my life is Rasaali from the movie Acham Enbathu Madamaiyada....

There's something about the song that caught my attention...the lyrics are beautiful and the voice...oh my...simply mesmerizing. I didn't know what was rasaali hence the search for the lyrics and meaning of the song. Here's a snippet of the song.

Rasaali Pandhayama Pandhayama

Nee Mundhiya Naan Mundhiya Paarpom

Mudhalil Yaar Solvadhu Yaar Solvadhu Anbai

Mudhalil Yaar Eyvadhu Yaar Eyvadhu Ambai

Mounam Pesamale Pesamale Sella

Vaavi Neeril Kamalam Pol Aadi Mella

Kanavugal Varuthe Kannin Vazhiye

En Thozh Meethu Nee

Naan Kulir Kaaigindra Thee

Hey Eagle, Is this a competition?

Let us see if you come out first or is it me.

Who will it be - the first one to propose our love?

Who will it be - the first one to throw Cupid’s arrow?

As silence goes by without saying a word,

it seems like a Lotus floating away seemlessly in a Pond,

Dreams come within my eyes,

that you are on my shoulders, 

You - the fire that keeps me warm in the Cold.

Well, where are you my rasaali? Been flying too high that I am not able to see you? Can you please fly along-with me, we shall soar together to a free world, without a worry..just reaching out to the sky and flying to an unknown destination. With you next to me, am sure I will soar to greater heights....I will be the wind beneath your wings as I know you will be my wind beneath my wings too...

Fly to me fast my rasaali, do come and shoot me with Cupid's arrow and I will propose my love to you....and let's break this silence.. 

Marking

Every teacher's nightmare would be marking.....

I am in this profession since 1995, that is almost 22 years now, wow I didn't realize it is almost a life time! I love what I am doing, I love the interaction with my kids...once someone asked what do you mean your kids, they are not your children. Well, yes, I do agree, these are not my biological children, but I do see them as my own. They come in all shapes and sizes and colours and attitude...some you can remember them for a long time but most are gone from my memory after the semester ends.

Well, the reason for this entry is to tell how most of us in this profession hate marking. When you are teaching these kids and ask them questions, they will answer you and nod to acknowledge they are following the lesson but only when we start marking their exam papers you can feel the frustration. And we start wondering "what the hell happened in the past 14 weeks?"" Did they not learn anything?" "How can they not even answer this simple question??!!??" After the questions comes the moment when we would want to wring their neck and give them a slap! I know I sound so violent but it is so frustrating to see all the effort you put in to teach them go down the drain.

For anyone who thinks teaching kids is a walk in the park, let me remind you, come and mark the exam papers, you would know you are walking into a complete chaotic zoo!

All said and done, I do love my job, there have been moments, years after the students graduate, they come back one day and they say thanks, that moment, that particular moment, your heart just know you did something right. It is when they go up the stage to receive their scroll is a proud moment for every lecturer, we know when these kids came into our lives, they were so young and innocent and practically have no clue what they want to do with their life, they were like a blank piece of paper....but over the three to four years, we see them grow, we see them take charge, we see them falling in love and sometimes out, we see them become confident, we see them succeed...and that is our proud moment, that is the moment that we stop asking ourselves why on earth am I here yelling at these kids, that is the moment, we know we did something right and we smile....

This job does not pay you much in dollar and cents but it pays you tonnes in satisfactions!

Why Now?

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer - Albert Camus..

This is the caption I have on my WhatsApp profile. I was looking at it a moment ago and I could see how powerful that statement is and I told myself to remember why I put it there in the first place....I know there is a stronger me inside but of late I am loosing sight of that girl. I honestly don't know what is happening with me these past couple of days...I just want to hold someone and tell him I love him. Right at this moment, I feel like taking my phone and calling 'him' and say "I love you"...but when I looked at my phone, I just don't have anyone that I can do that...and that is pulling my spirit down...

For a moment, I thought of calling my Chettiar and saying I love you da. I know he won't take it seriously...that's my chettiar la! The question now is, why do I want to utter these 3 words, why now? Is it coz I miss being loved or being in love or is it coz I am just a crazy lost in love gal?? 

Most of the time people take for granted of their loved ones in their life. They have someone to hold, talk and hug and love. I wish I have that...yes, I am aware I am blessed with so many things in life. My Krishna had and is still blessing me with so many wonderful happenings but I am still yearning for human touch. I just want to be loved and I just want to love someone...perhaps it is too much to ask but Krishna, can I have him please....

Be strong Jay...can I stop saying that to myself. Can I just fall into someone's arms and let him say, it is okay sweetheart, I am here for you now and forever...

Can I cry today please? All I want is a hug and love and assurance....anyone, someone, please...

Songs and me...

I am just falling for smile....

I wonder why each time I listen to a song it sounds just appropriate for the moment? I was just listening to BeeGees this evening while marking assignments after assignments when I stopped to listen to the song "Words", a lovely song that for a moment today, just made me think of my Crush.

The song was just so situational (how P & the others would have put it)... Here's the lyrics of the song...

Smile an everlasting smile

A smile can bring you near to me

Don't ever let me find you gone

'Cause that would bring a tear to me

This world has lost it's glory

Let's start a brand new story

Now my love, right now 

There'll be no other time 

And I can show you how, my love

Talk in everlasting words

And dedicate them all to me

And I will give you all my life

I'm here if you should call to me

You think that I don't even mean

A single word I say

It's only words, and words are all I have

To take your heart away

Tell me how is it even possible that the words are so apt about my Crush, I have been raving on and on about his smile and here's a song that just describes all that I want to say so accurately. Krishna, sometimes I do wonder what is your game. When I am trying not to entertain any thoughts about my Crush, here you go reminding me of him. Why Krishna, why? 

I do have this habit to listen over and over to a particular song, it all started with Maddy in Alaipayuthey, I was listening to Endendrum Punnagai, then Uyire from Bombay, followed by Usure Pogudhey and now the craze is Kettadhum Kodupavane...a song that I listen to sleep every night, it is just so soothing to listen to a song that glorifies my Krishna.

I always fall for words and thus falling in love with songs is just me la!

Tamilachi

Me the Tamilachi...

I guess if someone sees me now will think I am a typical Tamilachi, saree, bangles, flowers, kumkum etc. I look like one and I am happy that I am one but deep inside me, the question arises, am I really your traditional girl next door?

I have my back covered with tattoos...my wrist has one and my leg has one big phoenix tattooed, am the girl who wears sexy back blouses! I don't speak fluent Tamil, I am very chatty, opinionated, dominant and basically a pesky lady! I make loud entrances, I make my presence felt....am so not your 'lady'.

My latest ink....half the tail of a whale...Maori inspired

I am I feel have a wide spectrum to my personality, am traditional yet modern. I love my saree as well as my shorts, I love flowers on my hair and yet colour my hair red, I am the one who loves my Krishna unconditionally yet am at peace in churches or mosques...

I like me, the Tamilachi, am just proud of my heritage. I don't mind the label at all....it, in fact, empowers me. I like the fact I am still following what my patti and amma did at home, from our cooking to practice in prayers etc. I am glad I took up their skills and passion in cooking and doing palgarams. I have perfected the taste of my urandhai just like how amma & patti makes, am I am very proud of myself :-) My rich heritage that I am passing on to the girls...

End of the day, whether the world sees me as a Tamilachi or not, I know I am one, at least half a Tamilachi....and the other half will be another story la!

My Sayang

He was and will always be my sayang...

A year ago, at this hour, I received miss calls and messages. I was in an official meeting and I couldn't check my phone. When I saw all the missed calls and messages, I only knew I can trust one person who will give me a straight answer. I called L and he told me...Syd is gone forever...my tears started flowing...my heart was heavy...my sayang, my friend  went to meet his Maker and I don't know why he had to go so soon.

I went back to Penang that evening, I have to be there for the others, especially EC...It was not easy seeing him...L's wife kept on saying we just saw him 5 days ago, L held me close to him...we were all mourning for a dear friend. Syd was not smiling, he looked dark, something was not settled, I asked him what is wrong...why are you not in peace my friend? It was the following day, when I had a moment with EC, just the two of us, I finally understood something. When I went to say my final good bye to him, I promised him, told him that I approve and understand whatever happened. I promised him I will take care of her, and then I saw the smile on his face, finally now I know I am sending him away in peace...

The last I saw him was on the 31st, L with his wife, EC, Syd and I had our new year's eve dinner. It was almost midnight when we left to go home. He wanted EC and I to come up to his apartment to usher in the new year but EC had to go home to her family...that was the last I spoke & hugged him...the next day, I was back in KL. It was not easy at all to come back home after 5 days to see him like that...Syd loved plants and flowers and I am sure he would have been happy to see the amount of flowers he received..

I met Syd as a colleague, a funny old man who loves to tease and kacau everyone. His favorite thing to do with me is to untie the ribbons on my baju or saree blouse. He was really cheeky, each time I scream at him, someone will scold him not to disturb me... He brought EC and I to meet his mom, a very very old, wise, smart and beautiful lady. EC and I started cooking and have picnics at the home, feeding amma as I call her, was a norm. EC said she's the illegal daughter in law 1 and me illegal daughter in law 2. When amma passed away, Syd held on to both of us.... We were all there for him. 

I call him sayang and everyone at work knows that. I was comfortable with him, love the hugs he gave. When I introduced him to my family, one look at him and everyone knew he was harmless. He was lovely with kids and dogs! He loved EC's daughters and Marley. He was a man with many wonderful experiences and he loves to tell stories, which only God knows is true or not! He loves to start his conversation with me by " You know Jay......"

I was given the honour to write his eulogy, it was not an easy task but it was the least I can do for him...Syd, he touched so many hearts, his students loved him, his colleagues though thought he was a pain at times, loved and adored him. He was a filial son. He was a brother to many, a sister to some but definitely a good friend to most.

Rest in peace my dear sayang, we are getting together this evening at your final resting place to celebrate your life. We miss you dearly and you are always in our hearts....

Why did I?

I have a couple of why did I in a span of 36 hours......

I am still wondering why did I call him and only him to convey my new year greetings. It was my crush, he was the first to send me a new year greetings and all I did was to call him and wish him and his family...why did I do that? Later in the evening, I wrote a sweet note to him, telling him how his smile assures me....why? Why was it so important for me to talk to him instead of all the other people in my life? Why was he the only person I called to wish personally when all the others was just a text?? Hmmmm.....have to remind myself not to get hurt...

Last night, why did I look for Kutty? It has been a while since I wanted to talk to him but last night at 3am, I just want to send him a message, to wish him for a brighter 2017. I was not expecting a reply from him but knowing that I wished him was enough for me. I did look for his photo, I have none, it is not like I would have forgotten how he looks, but that split moment, I just had to see him...it was that smile, the smile that made me comfortable, the smile that assured me all is well....now I know why did I search for his photo high and low on the net..

It is clearer now...my crush...its the smile that I miss so much,...

Sometimes, it is easier not to think why did I do what I did......somethings are meant to just be as it is...

The Baptists

A family that brought me into their life...

K-A was my student, she was a matured student in her late 30s in a class of young 20 something kids. The first day I saw her, she looked so lost and when I asked her if she's ok, she just smiled and said she will be from now on. That is how our friendship developed.

I had a very strong boundary with my students. I do have a good relationship with them but I personally don't want to be close to any one of them while they are still in my class.

K-A and I just hit it off, we can talk to each other, we only had a 3 year age gap between us and thus, we had the same mind set. We could talk and advise and eventually everyone in my house knew her and vice versa.

When she went to KL, I became closer to her parents, chatting with them, taking them out for dinner etc. They were very joyful people, uncle especially. It was easy to mingle with them.

This year, it was special, I was invited over for new year celebration, it was just the 3 of them and another old couple for dinner. We did bbq and aunty made lots n lots of other stuff to makan.

I truly enjoyed the tradition of saying prayers almost to midnight, welcoming the new year by thanking God and saying our blessings...it was then, I told them how I miss my parents very much and how this family makes me feel loved. It was indeed a blessing not spending my new year's eve alone....there was so much love in the house. It was wonderful to get warm hugs, it brought warmth to the heart and filled it with joy. I will cherish this friendship and here's toasting for many more happy moments in life with them.

Krishna, bless my extended family too.....