July 28 once again

It was the year 2002, a Monday morning, when I legally married him...

It's been 16 years and I am still questioning myself for the choices I made in life. He was the one I truly loved, he understood me, he knew my vulnerability, he knew my desperation, he knew how much I loved him.

I don't know where and how he is today, I tried to reach out to him, but I am not getting any response. I do wish him well, I am happy for him, we made our choices, am still crying but I do hope he is happy with his chosen life.

I am so broken inside me, I have patched up lots of hurt and pieces of my heart, there are still cracks and I realised some parts are not fixable but I am surviving. My Upperwalla has blessed me in many other forms, I am grateful. Perhaps I am being selfish for wanting more, wanting it all.

I need to refocus my life. The new job opportunity is a good diversion. I am looking forward to my own place, a new beginning, meeting new people. That's something to look forward.

I am questioning myself if this is the right move to make. I am safe and comfortable at my present place, what will the future be? No one can answer this. I have been asking my Upperwalla to guide me in the right direction. My only trust is in Him..

How am I going to go through this 28th? 

My plan, go to work, after work swim, after swim, sleep till the next day....don't think much, it is just another day....

Moving On

I was in KL over the weekend...

It was akka's 60th birthday and she had prayers at home. I survived the morning though I was a bit sad with what my sister did but I told myself that is expected.

Lucky for me K-A was there, we had fun going window shopping for lights and fans. I am not sure how many shops we went but it really lots and lots of lights we saw. We managed to watch a movie, but through out the movie there was something in my mind.

Earlier, as KA was driving, I called my friend who had said he was not well and etc hence I wanted to visit him. He didn't answer my call but texted back saying he was in Singapore attending a meeting. I wished him well and just said my bye. I looked at KA, I didn't cry, but just told her that's the reason I told myself not to be attached to anyone. It was a betrayal, telling me he was so sick but yet he was able to travel. I was disappointed, he could have just told me he is well.

All these are just reminders in life, just trust yourself, no one else.

So what now, well, ! move on, as I have always done. Life goes on and it should go on happily for everyone.