A dark past

 A dark past that came back to haunt me...

I had to face my biggest demon last year. A phone call late at night shattered whatever peace I was trying to find in my life. I had been trying so hard all these years to forget and look past the events of my life.

I was a victim of sexual abuse. It is was not easy then, it is still not easy now.

I am sitting here thinking how to write this, as I am not able to put my pain into words. This post is meant to be a year of reflection but my heart says this is the moment of my reflection of my life...I am trying...trying...I know I can do this. I started writing this post since the beginning of the year but each time I want to continue writing, I find it is really difficult to move on.

I was barely 10 years old when the abuse started and it went on for over 2 years. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening, no one would have believed me. The abuser is someone very well liked by everyone, a 'gentleman' but for me he was a monster inside out. I am not being dramatic here, this is honestly how I feel. 

When I hear people talk about child abuse, the statements were always..."why didn't she tell anyone?" "She could have told someone; but she was always cheerful; are you sure she knows what she is saying...." and the list continues...

Let me say this: there is no way I can tell anyone, first coz I don't want to break my dad's heart, I don't want him to be sad for me, I thought it would have killed my dad if he knew. Secondly, I know my mom and the others won't believe me, they would have said I am just creating stories, no one would blame the abuser, he knew how to pretend.

I came up with ways to kill myself and every time, I will stop, I don't want appa to find me like that. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for God to take my life. I hated to be in the same room with him, I hated every moment he spoke, I hated my life, I hated my body, I hated every single moment I breathed. 

I am crying now, it is over 40 years, I am crying...I feel dirty all over...

He died last year, and when I got the news, I just wanted him to burn in hell. I was so angry, never have I ever been that angry in my life. I want him to suffer, I had so much hatred, so much anger, so much pain. I cannot tell here how angry I was that day.

I thought I had made peace with myself, I thought I had buried the past. 

I didn't.

I had buried the anger, the hurt, the pain. I was dealing with other issues in my life, I was dealing with my mom issue, with my ex issue...I just didn't want to dig out the memories I had buried on the abuse issue.

My tears stopped now, the anger is back, I am blaming myself...

I called SB a few days after I got the news that abuser is no more around. SB knew about this, I had told him about this long time back. And I cried uncontrollably. I told him I could not control my anger, I told him I could not forgive this person, I told him, I am hurting so much I can feel my heart breaking. I told him I want to hurt this person, I wanted to stab him over and over and I want to destroy him as he had destroyed my life, my peace, my happiness...SB just waited for me to rant, to cry. I told SB I am not me, this is not who I am,  I don't know how to handle this, I told him I hate hate...I told him I couldn't control my anger, it is just eating me up.

SB waited till I was done crying and was ready to listen...he told me to stop blaming the little girl who went through this incident, he told me the little girl was helpless, he told me it is not the little girl's fault, he told me the little girl did nothing wrong to deserve this punishment.

I did what I could do as a 10 year old girl. I could only think of my appa....no one else mattered in this world then..

My emotions is all over the place at this moment, but, I am not angry, I don't have hatred in my heart now, I am asking myself why am I crying then? It is reliving the past, a past that was not pleasant, a past that was so painful...

The little girl 40 years ago was scared to face her demon, but the 50 year old me today, is standing tall and I am telling the world....I am fine, I am beautiful, I am brave, I am happy and most importantly I love myself.

I am looking out at the window now and all I can say is...thank you Krishna!

My walks

I love my walks

When I started on a lifestyle change, one item on the list was to start walking as a form of exercise. It was a 'task' / 'hard work' in the beginning. I started walking at my neighbourhood field in the mornings. The uncles and aunties were my big motivators. They always told me I can do it, keep going, keep smiling.....I formed a bond with them...it was nice to be greeted in the morning with their smiles.

This morning I went for a morning walk at Gurney Drive. I told Ms L it was not hard work anymore, it's my fun time. My perspective changed over time....from hard work, it is now fun!
For all who constantly give me the encouragement and support, thank you!!

These are some of the photos I took during my walks....

My 2019 - 2020 Journey

 My physical & emotional journey....

Last September (2019) I was fasting for a month for religious purposes. Usually I will be on vegetarian diet but last year I decided to go on a one meal a day diet but drinking as much water I wanted the whole day. I continued on doing one meal a day and added walking as part of my routine. I started by walking 30 mins a day then gradually added 5-10 mins after every week. Now, I usually walk for an hour and 10 mins @ 7km either in the mornings or evenings.

 
During the MCO, no walking but I started on HIIT. A 30 mins of sweating which I looked forward everyday. Nowadays I alternate between my walks and HIIT and I still follow my one meal a day plan but I do have my cheat days

Many have asked why this change? Is there someone in your life? The answer is...there's only me & my Krishna in my life.... I'm doing this for myself.

 
I'm still the same person but there's lightness in my steps. There's a newfound cheerfulness in my life. I love my walks when I'm not thinking of anything. It's just me, my songs and Mother Nature. I feel energized. I feel a sense of achievement...most of all I feel Krishna is with me at every step I take.

 
K-A asked me, what am I trying to say here, what is my message. My message is everyone of us is going through a journey...this is my journey. I'm not in a competition, am not comparing myself to anyone, I don't have a goal, I just want to be the best me I can be.

 
Body shaming & colorism has been a constant in my life. Throughout my life, I was belittled, made embarrassed for my size and skin color. Many thought I won't achieve anything or be the person I am today. It has to stop now.

 
I am a plus sized and a dark colored lady. I am a happy lady. I am loved by those who know me and do not judge me based on my size.

 
My message today: be the best of you.

This is me today...

My Christmas gift

K-A gave me a Christmas prezzy that got me crying...

Christmas this year I spent at K-A's house in Penang. I was in KL with her just before Christmas and the 2 of us went from one mall to another to look for a dress for her for her parent's 50th wedding anniversary. I didn't have much time to shop this year but I kind of knew what I was going to get for the family.

Christmas eve, I was with Ms L. It was her birthday. We had ice cream! It was really really good....anyone who knows Ms L should know by now she is so into her diets and at this moment she is into her Keto diet! Well, it was her birthday, she is entitled to her ice-cream or two!!!

Ice cream from Tokyo Cheese Milk Factory

After lunch, we went to print a couple of photos for K-A. At the shop, the guy in charge was friendly and we were chatting. Ms L asked who were the people in the photos, and I told her this is K-A's aunt and uncle and her brother's wedding etc. The guy looked at me and said you are really a friend to the family, I told him, they are my other family and Ms L added that I am her Indian sister!

K-A asked if we ever thought how Ms L and I are to others...I said no. It never crossed my mind but her question made me think. It is rare to see two ladies, an Indian and Chinese happily shopping together all the time. We go for lunches and dinners and have shopped for diamonds, clothes, cars and any other thing under the sky...even went house hunting together!! 

Anyway, on Christmas day I was at K-A's. We went for lunch with her parents and once we were back, we continued with the preparation for the anniversary dinner. Lots of last minute things to do. Her mom was busy baking chocolate cakes and I was glued to the dining table.

Towards evening, she gave me my present from under the tree. It was a lovely bag...beautiful words. When I looked inside I saw a letter, from her, hand written.

I started reading and I started crying...

I am blessed. I will cherish the letter...a reminder from my Krishna that I am loved.

Toddy for lunch!

Lunch was fresh toddy and wild boar curry!

After our trip to Lembah Bujang, we went for lunch. I found a place somewhere in Kulim, Divine Farm that offered fresh toddy. It was not that far off and we thought it would be a good idea...well it turned out to be one of our best food escapade!

The toddy was fresh and it was harvested from a single tree. It was so sweet and refreshing on a hot day. The wild boar curry was fantastic. We totally loved the food and the ambiance. We sat next to the spring and the gentle breeze and the sound of the spring water flowing and the paddy field across the spring was just perfect for the soul.

We are planning for our next road trip. Just a day trip, nice and easy...

Lembah Bujang

A road trip to Lembah Bujang was a good decision..

My road trip group decided to drive up to Lembah Bujang, I always wanted to go there and the others were open with the idea too. This time Vasu drove and I got to be the navigator.

It is always fun driving with Sara, he cracks all of us...and he was doing that the whole trip.

The chats were good, everyone sharing bits and pieces of their life and just trying to be us, crazy old ladies and 1 young boy!

These were the photos that were taken on the site. We spent about an hour exploring the place, reading and admiring the beauty. It was hot but we didn't mind it. It was a shame that not much was written about the history behind it. I feel we can do more to preserve on this piece of history that is part of our existence. 

I was trying to see in my head how people those days walked up the hill to go to temple. What made them choose the spot? What was the significance of that particular place? I was trying to imagine the temple, the splendor of the architecture. These kings were the ones who built so many temples in Tamil Nadu which are still standing magnificently strong. What happened here? Why did we allow our rich history end up as a ruin that not many are appreciating the importance of it?

After a moment of appreciation at the top most structure, we walked down to the museum,  It was pleasantly cold. Here, the artifacts were on display and I wished there were in-depth explanation of the Shiva Linga and Ganesha statues. I wanted to say I was disappointed but I told myself, at least it is not totally lost. Here are what I managed to capture in the museum...

The entrance of the museum that was in ancient words

The entrance of the museum had an ancient words board. I thought that was really cool, just wish I knew what was the language used and what was written there. 

Going to Lembah Bujang honestly got me thinking about my ancestors. I am 7th generation Indian descendant in Malaysia. When did my forefathers come to Malaysia? Were they those who came here first. My grandad's grandad settled up North. I was curious. I wished I had the opportunity to chat with my grandad about his great grandfather. I am sure I would have learnt much. I was too young then. Didn't understand the significance of my heritage. I only knew stories from my grandmother but it was more about her mother in law!!

It was indeed a meaningful road trip!

My Chettiar's Advice

I asked Chettiar a question yesterday....

I was driving to tuition Friday evening when I called my dear Chettiar. I was telling him what Ms L said that why am I still being nice to people when they don't value me. I told Ms L, I can't be like them, this is me, I don't want to change myself. So I asked Chettiar what do you think? 

He didn't answer me straight away but started talking to me about my tattoo and for that he kena scolded from me. I thought he was not listening to what I was yakking away earlier but my Chettiar totally totally surprised me with his wisdom. He said what others do is their karma, what we do is our karma, do what is right, don't think much but at the same time, don't let others take advantage of you. He asked me to move away from what affects me. I just asked him when did he become such a philosopher?? All these years, where was he?? And I asked him if I had told him lately that I love him 😊 

We continued our chat with me asking him what he thinks about one-night-stand. His answer was not something I expected from him. He was again going all philosophical about we are all human beings and we have our needs. So it is okay with one-night-stands!! I was in my head, oh my god Chettiar, I was not expecting that kind of answer from you. I told him, am not sure if that is the path I want to take, I want to feel love and be in love before I commit myself in a physical relationship. 


My Chettiar is an amazing guy, he cracks me up. He is a friend whom I can talk about anything and he never once made me feel uncomfortable to talk to. He is one of the guys in my life I am truly blessed to have. He is funny, charming and just just really sweet. He is celebrating his 50th birthday in February next year and I have already booked him for a weekend in February to celebrate his birthday with me and K-A.

I love you my dear Chettiar!